Honestly, when i first started this blog it was originally about me learning how to communicate with Master and a place for me to be open about my feelings. It has been nine years since the two of us came together and our communication has increased (in my opinion) by light years compared to where it was. Although there are times right now where it is hard to communicate what i want/need and how i am feeling. This is more to my mental health struggles than anything.
i'm going to open up (if i havent already mentioned it in a previous post) and come out and say that i struggle with both anxiety and depression which is a side effect of my abusive childhood as well as growing up with a narcissistic parent and military verbal/emotional abuse. It's left it's mark and i find that there are better days than others. Lately though it seems that the bad days are becoming more frequent and that scares me. i had been taking medication previously, however i had to come off the first one due to it affecting my sexual drive and causing major insomnia. Then the second medication i tried caused massively vivid nightmares to the point i felt like i was actually experiencing it first hand. Both these medications were the same class and the next option suggested by the lovely healthcare system was another med from the same class. i refused to try it due to 2 others already not working and having massive side effects that made me want to deal with my anxiety/depression over the side effects. Now i've been having to deal with it on my own and i think that is partially the reason for struggling so much more these past few months or so.
It hits me hard when it hits and sometimes it feels crushing, which is one of those moments right now. As i'm typing this i'm dying to go upstairs and wake Master up because it feels like the weight of the world is crushing me. But the anxiety cripples me because i know He needs His sleep for work and i know He has His own worries and fears. i also dont want Him to think i cant handle being a parent especially since we are wanting to try for another one in the very near future. It's not His fault i have all of this going on and sometimes i wonder if He wishes He had someone who wasnt so broken (cue the tears falling down my face as i write that) to be with instead of me. i also wonder if my kids deserve a mom who doesnt go from 100 to 0 in a split second and can have a happy medium. Kills me to know i'm not there for them like i truly want to be (cue tears again).
Today started out great and i was so proud of myself for getting a good bit accomplished. Then it came to a screeching halt with a text message. Work gave me the choice of working same nights as Master or opposite shift. It has been a crushing decision because it comes with pros and cons on both sides. There is a sitter we use who we had talked about the changes with and the kids staying overnight. Well we thought of trying to find a sitter for overnight and then we could keep the kiddos schedule the same during the day. However, our sitter saw my post and now seems upset. It crushes me to know that i possibly screwed things up and upset our sitter by the post and i just dont know how to respond. My anxiety is at an all time high and i hate that all it took was a single text message and i'm sure the sitter didnt even mean to. It's just hard trying to figure out the right thing to do in this situation as we're willing to pay more for our kids to stay in our house overnight and stay at the sitter on their schedule, but then idk. There's so many choices to make and i feel like any of them cause someone to be upset :(
i honestly hate my anxiety/depression at this very moment and i think it is time for me to look into a dr appointment with my outside dr to get some new meds to help this. i dont think i can keep fighting like this and having such extreme highs and extreme lows. It's not fair to Master or our kids to have to deal with this....
i think the other major thing that really affects all this is i'm still struggling with not really having any friends who live close enough to me that are in the lifestyle that i can talk to about everything. It's just harder when you dont have a friend to go and grab drinks or do things with. Maybe this feeling will change since Master and i will be back on the same schedule in a little over a month's time. i'm honestly just ready to get back to being lil one and not this shell of a person i feel like some days.
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