Crazy Life with a little bit of honesty....

Honestly, when i first started this blog it was originally about me learning how to communicate with Master and a place for me to be open about my feelings. It has been nine years since the two of us came together and our communication has increased (in my opinion) by light years compared to where it was. Although there are times right now where it is hard to communicate what i want/need and how i am feeling. This is more to my mental health struggles than anything.

    i'm going to open up (if i havent already mentioned it in a previous post) and come out and say that i struggle with both anxiety and depression which is a side effect of my abusive childhood as well as growing up with a narcissistic parent and military verbal/emotional abuse. It's left it's mark and i find that there are better days than others. Lately though it seems that the bad days are becoming more frequent and that scares me. i had been taking medication previously, however i had to come off the first one due to it affecting my sexual drive and causing major insomnia. Then the second medication i tried caused massively vivid nightmares to the point i felt like i was actually experiencing it first hand. Both these medications were the same class and the next option suggested by the lovely healthcare system was another med from the same class. i refused to try it due to 2 others already not working and having massive side effects that made me want to deal with my anxiety/depression over the side effects. Now i've been having to deal with it on my own and i think that is partially the reason for struggling so much more these past few months or so.

   It hits me hard when it hits and sometimes it feels crushing, which is one of those moments right now. As i'm typing this i'm dying to go upstairs and wake Master up because it feels like the weight of the world is crushing me. But the anxiety cripples me because i know He needs His sleep for work and i know He has His own worries and fears. i also dont want Him to think i cant handle being a parent especially since we are wanting to try for another one in the very near future. It's not His fault i have all of this going on and sometimes i wonder if He wishes He had someone who wasnt so broken (cue the tears falling down my face as i write that) to be with instead of me. i also wonder if my kids deserve a mom who doesnt go from 100 to 0 in a split second and can have a happy medium. Kills me to know i'm not there for them like i truly want to be (cue tears again).

    Today started out great and i was so proud of myself for getting a good bit accomplished. Then it came to a screeching halt with a text message. Work gave me the choice of working same nights as Master or opposite shift. It has been a crushing decision because it comes with pros and cons on both sides. There is a sitter we use who we had talked about the changes with and the kids staying overnight. Well we thought of trying to find a sitter for overnight and then we could keep the kiddos schedule the same during the day. However, our sitter saw my post and now seems upset. It crushes me to know that i possibly screwed things up and upset our sitter by the post and i just dont know how to respond. My anxiety is at an all time high and i hate that all it took was a single text message and i'm sure the sitter didnt even mean to. It's just hard trying to figure out the right thing to do in this situation as we're willing to pay more for our kids to stay in our house overnight and stay at the sitter on their schedule, but then idk. There's so many choices to make and i feel like any of them cause someone to be upset :(

i honestly hate my anxiety/depression at this very moment and i think it is time for me to look into a dr appointment with my outside dr to get some new meds to help this. i dont think i can keep fighting like this and having such extreme highs and extreme lows. It's not fair to Master or our kids to have to deal with this....

i think the other major thing that really affects all this is i'm still struggling with not really having any friends who live close enough to me that are in the lifestyle that i can talk to about everything. It's just harder when you dont have a friend to go and grab drinks or do things with. Maybe this feeling will change since Master and i will be back on the same schedule in a little over a month's time. i'm honestly just ready to get back to being lil one and not this shell of a person i feel like some days.

Struggling....

    This is extremely hard for me to write because i hate to admit that i'm struggling, but i truly am today. It feels like my mental health demons are getting into my head and i hate it. It is even harder becuase today is one of the days that i get to spend time with one of my littles while Master sleeps. This is nothing against Master as He is an amazing man and i can't interrupt His sleep because He needs it to be able to work tonight, especially if things get any kind of crazy (one can never tell with His job). i hate days like today where they make me feel like i'm not a good mother, good lil one, or even a good person in general (which i know isnt true but my head doesnt let me believe it). 

     This morning seemed fine when i woke up and took one little to school. Came home and took another short cat nap until the other little woke up. Since then it is like i am fighting a constant war with my own self and i feel like i'm doing it alone. This morning it occurred to me that i have people that i talk to, but i dont really have a close friend that can understand everything i'm going thru and i can message anytime. It's even harder because we are all by ourselves out here with no family to go visit and talk to and my closest family is about 6-8 hrs away or 18-24hrs away. Honestly the biggest struggle so far is just the aching loneliness. It is so deep and dark that words cant even begin to express just how much there is a need. i had a friend that understood everything and would have understood the career struggles, but that changed when i took time off nursing school and they graduated. i dont know if Master feels the same as me sometimes with the loneliness, but i definitely do. Dont really have anyone i can tell everything to or family to visit and it's starting to wear on me. Thought i would have someone with my newfound sister, but now i'm not so sure. 

     Yesterday was a good day and i got to spend time with Master and the littles, but i dont feel it's enough. On top of that, i love my job but part of me still has that drive to go and finish nursing school that i started. i loved nursing and it is a much better living wage for our family. We would definitely be able to afford things even better than we can now. But it's hard because Master wants to go back to school (and i absolutely want Him to do that because He deserves it because He has put it on hold while i did my schooling).  i loved it and part of me feels it wouldnt be as emotionally and mentally draining as the work i do right now, but then i cant know for sure. It's just the current work environment has me feeling like i should have pushed and took the option of going back to school instead of working. 

    Just feel like i'm stuck in a spot and cant go one way or the other. On top of all of that i'm working opposite of Master completely both in working day shift and working His opposite day shift. Work is long hours and it is hard, but it's even harder that i dont get to enjoy the same days off as Him. :(  We need the money especially with wanting to buy a house in the near future, but part of me feels that i'm not happy where i am. There's a lot of bullying by coworkers and i feel like that drama should have been left in high school. It's just hard to have good days where the coworkers dont seem to mind you and then others where it's like everything you do is wrong and you cant do anything right no matter how hard you try. The benefits at this company are worth it and the wages arent bad, but at what point do you say enough is enough. i know i wont quit until i have another source of income coming in, especially with our new purchase....i love the job but i wonder if it is sustainable long term and can provide enough of an income that we can purchase a house and still be able to do things together as a family without scraping pennies together like we have done in the past. i dont want to go back to that, but i also feel like i dont want to stay where we are at right now. 

    All these feelings may just be the hormones talking, but i hate feeling like this because i feel it takes me away from the people i love the most...Master and my littles. It makes me feel like i'm not totally there for them. Honestly i feel like that depression med commercial where they put up the fake happy face for others until they get meds. i was on meds previously but they were giving me horrible nightmares or caused crazy insomnia and no sexual desire. Unfortunately the dr only wanted to do the same class of meds and after 2 failed meds in same class it wasnt going to work. i'm struggling and they dont want to help....part of me feels maybe it's worth it to deal with the nightmares if it means i can feel like myself again. But i also have a new doc i could reach out to and see if they could do something for me....tears come to my eyes right now because i can barely muster up the ability to get up off the couch to do laundry and i wanted to cook nice surprise dinner for Master but i cant even do that 😢😢😢😢😢 i feel like such a failure right now and it hurts sooo bad. Thankfully i know these feelings will pass, but i also know if they get to bad i can wake Master up early and explain things to Him.

    On top of all of this, i am DESPERATELY wanting another little. It's been hard on me because we planned to have one after i graduated nursing school which would have been this past May. However, now we are pushing it back even further by at least another year. It is killing me because i would love to have another little and love the idea of being pregnant and being a mom, but at the same time we know i am high-risk and with wanting to buy a house/move in less than a year i wont be able to help with any of that if i am pregnant. Then my job doesn't offer maternity leave so i have to save up all my time that i can to get time off with the baby and to plan in the event that something were to happen. Granted they do have a bank that you can pull from for things like cancer and such, but i would hate to need that. It is just so hard and i'm struggling because it feels like everything stems from me dropping out of nursing school a year ago....If i had gone through with it, i would be working a nursing job with better pay, we could get into a house for sure, i could have benefits to try for a baby, i would have a friend to talk to and meet up with about things, and the list goes on. Just feeling like a lonely failure i guess. :'( 

     Then add into it that we dont get as much time together as Master and lil one due to my schedule and His. :( Just feel so disconnected/not like myself....i know He tries a lot but it is hard between crazy schedules and taking care of littles and getting them from sitter/take to sitter and other things....

   Just feeling like life is getting to me right now. Praying that these feelings will ease up because i hate this.

Decisions Make me Feel Like I'm Drowning....

    This post is a little hard to write, but I feel this is the best way to get these overwhelming thoughts out of my head and maybe get to where I can feel comfortable with whatever happens. 

     First things first, this month has seen several changes and one of them is that I have started working out and focusing on getting healthier for myself. This has become a major priority to me and I want to make sure that I am able to go workout every day that I can as well as push myself to become healthier. I have always had excuses before of why I couldn't do something and that I just couldnt do it at that point in time. Well, this time things are different. I have found an amazing gym that even has the ability to watch my kids while I do workouts. They also offer just 30 minute classes. I have literally told myself that there are no excuses for me to not go because of them doing this: it's a short time and no worries about childcare during the workout time period. It has only been a week, but I have already seen such a massive improvement with myself and my self-confidence, strength, motivation, and toning of my body. I love it and I want to keep working towards that goal of getting healthier. 

      That leads in to where I am having a major dilemma. Each time I feel like I come up to a decision, there is something else that comes along that sets me going back and forth between my options again. I was granted the ability to return back to nursing school at the same level I was when I withdrew from my classes. On the flip side of that, I have also applied to another local university and am waiting to hear an admissions decision. This leaves me in a dilemma and it is not one that I can go with the "let the chips fall where they may" outlook. I have to make a decision because financing of this decision is a big factor. 

     Returning to nursing school is a big deal and I love that I was accepted back. However, there is part of me that is hesitant because the same teacher that nearly failed me and was not organized at all is teaching again. This already has me leery. Then to top that off, the stipulations are if I withdraw or fail a class then I am completely done with nursing school at this school. I don't like this because what happens if a personal conflict or something comes up and I have to withdraw due to that. Basically I become screwed and am no longer able to attend nursing school. That's just as bad as failing a class in my opinion. Then add in that I have to check off on skills that we were only introduced to and said we were checked off on (teacher explained how to do it and did group demonstration so that we could do it in clinical) as well as do a health assessment again. This has me slightly worried because any margin of error and I will not be allowed back into nursing school. Yes, I was allowed to come back but the return is contingent upon doing these things. It is this contingencies that leave me slightly worried and nervous. Part of me also wants to say screw it to the particular professor that told me that they felt I wouldnt be a good nurse and were concerned about my skills and could not agree with me caring for anybody let alone a NICU infant (despite getting amazing/glowing reviews in semester preceding this one).

     Then the school change comes into play. Changing to this other university I would be completely starting over nursing school. Honestly, I am perfectly okay with that as I feel that I get another chance to learn the skills (possibly some that weren't even taught at my current school) as well as refresh my clinical experience and working with variety of patients. The flip side is that I have to take classes either during the summer and the HESI exam to be able to apply for the nursing program to start in the spring. If I can't do this, then the dates would be pushed to the following Fall. This is better than the other school because the other school only has a program start date of once a year, in the summer. This multiple start date would allow me to continue to apply to start the very next semester if I don't make it the first time. There is another downside and that is that this school I would have to drive anywhere from 15 minutes (if get classes on campus close by) or 30-45minutes away (if take on one of main classes). This takes time away from my family, time away from being able to workout (HUGE priority to me right now outside of family time). The one thing that has me nervous is that I have not heard anything back about if I have been admitted or not, but I also just found that they were on spring break this week (cue Master laughing and saying that i have no patience).  Just nervous not knowing whether or not I was accepted to start classes this summer.

     Then add in another factor that comes into play. Paying for school. There is the possibility of a program paying for school but that requires me to have a set degree plan in place and I am unable to deviate from that. This has me worried because that leaves no backup option if I don't get into nursing school the first time.  Then I feel I should go for a biology degree and have them pay for that then I have a degree to fall back on no matter what happens with nursing school and if I don't get in the first time. If the program doesn't pay for school than Master and i are left to cover the costs ourselves and for that, the other school is the better option. We would be paying for a full 2 years of nursing school for what we would pay for a semester of nursing school at the school I withdrew from. That is something that I definitely don't take lightly because right now Master is the main person working (not for lack of trying on my end) and I don't want to make things where we are struggling because of having to pay tuition.

      These decisions are not an easy one to make and I want to make the right one. However, it seems like they are so evenly matched that I really don't know what the right one is. I know that I have to make a decision, but my head keeps spinning everytime I look at this. And the even harder part is that I am the one that will be learning the material so it is up to me to make this decision, and solely me. I also feel like I am letting Master down whatever decision I choose. If I choose the other school, then I am choosing to take time away from my family even more as well as the time that I would for working out. But if I choose the school closest to us that I withdrew from, then I am choosing to sacrifice my mental health again and quite possibly push our relationship again (definitely unintentionally) because of the major stress that this school would put on me. It is already stressful enough, but I know that I would feel added pressure to succeed because if I fail out then I am completely done with no second chances. 

      I just feel like I'm barely treading water with this decision and don't know which way to go or which way to choose. Master is highly supportive and has told me everytime that He will support me no matter what decision I make. However, I want to make the right one for myself and my family and that just doesnt seem clear to me at the moment. This decision isn't an easy one to make and I truly feel lost as to what direction to go. Each one has a huge drawback as well as huge good things.How do you make a decision that could impact your family one way or another? Do I go back where I know the stress levels are 10x what they should be for nursing school? Do I hope and pray that I got into the school I applied to and not worry about going back to the old school? My mind is reeling so much over this that I feel any minute I am liable to bust out into tears because it is so hard for me to choose and I want to make sure that I do something that I love, which could be either a Biology or Nursing degree. There is more to feel/write, but I cant even put the rest of it to words yet...maybe an update later with the rest of the thoughts rolling thru my head.

Thoughts flowing around my head

     Lately, there has been a lot of thoughts that have been going around my head, and it is becoming harder to put my thoughts together, especially because they seem to be conflicting with each other. So i guess for me the best way to figure things out is to lay them out in writing and maybe that will help them gain some type of order.

    This blog has kind of fallen to the side because my communication with Master has become drastically better since He and i first got together. Part of me feels badly because i do not write in it as much, but i also enjoying having all those writings to look back on at how i was feeling in the very beginning of Our relationship together and to remind me just how much i love my Master (not that those feelings will ever change). He and i have always been amazing together and despite our few disagreements (mostly from me being stubborn and hard-headed) we have come out stronger. It is this strength that i am drawing on as i move forward with the relationship, school, kids, and life in general. He has shown me that we can take on anything with stride.

     So the first part of thoughts rolling around in my head has to do with the way things have been lately between Master and myself. i have apologized to Him recently for how things have been since i started nursing school. i honestly did not realize between that and some medication side effects that i had put our physical relationship on the wayside.For the two of U/us this is one of the ways that we truly connect and reconfirm the Master/slave relationship. It puts me back into my place as a subtle reminder of who is in charge while also allows Him to assert His dominance. i am on a break from school and i have realized just how horribly and how long He had to deal with the two of us not physically connecting. It hurts me to think that i did that without meaning to and that in the future i hope to find a way to get around this and be able to focus on that side of our relationship just as much as i am now during my break from school. i can only hope that He knows just how sorry i am about that whole time period.

    The next part rolling around in my mind has to do with the job/school dilemma. Until recently i honestly didnt think it was much of a dilemma to face, but my brain now says otherwise. A few weeks ago i made the decision to step back from nursing school because i was in danger of "failing" two classes. Now i say "failing" because by grading standards i was not failing, but by nursing school standards i was. For them anything less than a 74 is considered failing.  Well i was initially very okay with my decision to take a break and Master was very supportive of it as well. He let me know that no matter what decision i chose that He would be there to support me. Now that i am a few weeks removed from the situation and am looking at it from an outsiders perspective, i am wondering if i should go back. There are many things that have me thinking this and one of the big ones is since i left i talked with a classmate and it was made clear that the Dean of the program could care less about the fact that people had childcare issues due to a professor not relaying clinical times/information in a timely manner and that there was not anything being done about the drastic issues with the class as well. That to me has me frustrated because you claim we have to be flexible as students, but that can only be done to a point when childcare is involved. Most people, myself included, are not able to call up a sitter in the morning and say "oh by the way i need you to be here in 30 minutes". It just doesnt work like that. Then there is the added cost of going to this school, but the issues we have had with the program don't seem to make it worth it.

     The second part of the school dilemma is that i am trying to get a job because of the time frame that i am having to wait to restart classes with my program. Initially i was planning on getting a job as in the hospital that would allow me to use the courses that i have already completed and keep my skills up to date. However, i have yet to get a callback from the hospital about the positions that i have applied for. Master has mentioned a possible second job that He feels i would do really well in and this is where the dilemma increases. i know that He did not mean to cause this dilemma on purpose but this idea has led to thoughts of whether i should go back. This job is completely different from nursing, but it is also something that i could see myself doing for the rest of my life and being happy with. In searching for this type of job, i feel it isnt fair to get the job and then have to leave within a year for a nursing job. It isn't fair to the company, but at this point i would like to get a job to help the family out and i have the skill sets to do this other job. So this had led me to feel that if i was given the opportunity to get the job that Master thinks i would be good at that i would step away from my nursing degree for now and maybe the future. Part of me feels that i am coming to the point in my life that i need to be realistic and settle on a career. It is not good for me to keep jumping from one track to another when things get harder or just in general. This is why i am leaning more towards looking the path of the job that Master suggested.

      The above thought also leads to me feeling this would be a better decision for my body. Right now we are talking about having another little one and clincials are hard on the body as it is, let alone if i were to have to do them towards the end of pregnancy (depending on when we get pregnant in the near future). There is also the fact that i am high risk and if we dont get pregnant before i was to return to school, i would be in a hospital and on my feet for 12 hour shifts with little time to sit down or pee or even eat. During my clinical time period i noticed that not many of the nurses had time to eat and were often scarfing down a cracker here or there and mostly drinking water or some sort of caffeine to keep them going. While i could do this in theory, i wonder if it is possible for me to do longterm with already having a bad back. My back was hurting during clinicals, but it was something i felt that i could push through. Now i am wondering if physically i would be able to do what the job demands if i did not get my inital choice of working in the NICU. Part of me just feels that i really need to be realistic in the decision that i make. The other part of me also feels that i would be better suited for the jobs that Master suggested because i have noticed that my studying/ability to retain nursing school information isnt what it used to be. i have noticed that i am finding it harder to retain ALL the information that is required to know throughout the school in the amount of time required. Now i can use this break to study and focus on my weak spots, but i cant help but wonder if it will be enough in the long run for me to pass boards and the NCLEX. It's wondering if this is just self-doubt or if i am really being truthful since starting school about my capabilities. i was able to get my EMT but that was not as much knowledge as what is required to know for nursing. SOOOO MUCH INFORMATION......This picture of the books needed doesnt do justice to the pile of papers and notes that are added to all this as well and i am expected to retain all of this. i want to be a nurse but i am feeling drawn in another direction if i am being realistic with myself.

    Then the next thought process jumps to if i make this jump, will i be letting Master down? There is Him and one other person that i truly care about letting down because they have both been there for me. Master because i dont want to disappoint Him because He has truly been there for me since day 1 and has been my strongest advocate and supporter. i dont want to let Him down in choosing to stop my schooling even though i know He feels i would make a great nurse. Then the other person i care about letting down is my father. He has been there for me since i got into touch with him and i dont want to disappoint him by not finishing school and choosing a different career path. However, i feel that if i do this career that i can be happy in it and do it for the rest of my life. It is just a hard decision to make because these are the two people that i would hate to disappoint, although Master is the most important person because my father tells me that i always have to do what is best for myself and my family. Reasoning that out like that makes me realize that yes i dont want to disappoint my father, but the ultimate person that i dont want to disappoint or let down is my Master because He truly is my world and has ALWAYS been there for me.

     With that being said, i am truly wondering what is the right decision for me. i have always felt led to be a nurse and felt that was God's calling for me, but now i wonder if i am being called to work a different job. Either one i can be truly happy at. It's a matter of which one is the better choice for myself and my family....hopefully with some time i will know what God is calling me too, but i am blessed to have this blog to be able to put my feelings out so that hopefully Master can help His lil one make some sense of it all too.

      Hopefully all of that made sense and it is everything that has been running around in my head. Now to talk to Master and see what He thinks of my idea of taking the job He thinks would be good and putting the nursing school on hold either temporary or permanently (depending on things).

Life's Musings about Life Changes

     It seems that life truly is about rolling with the punches lately. Not that anything bad has happened per say, but it just feels that way with how much things have changed for our life lately. Sometimes i feel like i am just kinda skating by with things and then other days i feel like i'm just not doing enough for myself or for Master. 
     Master and i are slowly getting used to the routine of things now that i am in nursing school. Between the work load for that (one week i had about 7-10 chapters to read for class not including online material i had to complete), taking care of family life, running errands and making sure the house stays in clean shape i am all but exhausted. Then add into that i have to do this by myself most days because Master works at night and needs to sleep during the day for a little bit to ensure He is prepared for work that night, it can wear anyone down. It wears me down a good bit as i have so much to do to keep everything running smoothly. Then there is the pride thing that i don't/shouldn't have to ask for help. He already does so much in working to take care of the family that i can take care of all the other things. But things lately have shown that this isn't true and that i need to work at getting out of my pride thing and learn to ask for help if i need it. He has already told me that if i need help with anything laundry, or such, to just ask Him and He can help, but that He isnt a mind reader and doesn't just know that i need help unless i ask. i could have sworn He was a mind-reader lol, but i guess not. :D 
      Anyways, so last night i was getting things ready in the house after completing some study work and to be honest, it felt like i had finally settled into somewhat of a routine. Not sure if this was a fluke or not, but last night i truly found myself feeling extremely submissive and very content getting everything done. It was even better when i shared with Master just how much i had gotten done before going to bed and to get a text back with a shocked "wow" and then a "good job lil one". It felt amazing and put the biggest smile on my face to know that i had made Him proud by how much i had accomplished. Part of me wonders if it has to do with the fact that i have started wearing my collar to class again (wasnt wearing it for lab because i know once starting clinicals i definitely wont want to wear it to prevent it being pulled on). 
       Life has been pretty crazy and hectic lately and Master and i both know that time together is even more precious now considering both of our schedules are mismatched and that i am having to put WAY more time into my studies to make sure that i pass my nursing courses. It definitely isn't easy, but i wouldn't want to go thru this journey with anyone else. He truly knows when to push me, but is also understanding when i am just too exhausted from trying to manage everything while He is at work or catching up on sleep for work. 
       This brings me to something that i wanted to write for Master, but just couldnt find the words at the time. Since He is at work a lot there are several nights where i find myself going to bed alone after completing everything i need to. His side of the bed is empty and i find myself just longing for His touch/embrace just to know He is there. With my past and all that i have been thru from the abuse from my parents growing up to the two sexual assaults i experienced, He is my safe place at the end of the day. He keeps me safe and i never have to worry or be afraid when He is there. The nights that He is gone, it is almost like that sense of safety and security isn't quite there. Now i know He has to be out and i am okay with it, but my body just yearns for that. It is so much that the nights when He is home i always ask Him to rub my back. Part of me thinks that He only knows this is just to rub my back, but it is actually because my body needs His touch. It craves it because as i am falling asleep and He is rubbing my back, it is comforting me and reminding me that i am back in the safety and security of my Master's arms. It lets me know that nothing bad will happen and that He is there to protect me. It is hard to explain just how much His touch on those nights calms me, but it eases my mind in so many ways that is more than just what i described above. i honestly never knew how much just feeling His hand run over my back and butt as He is rubbing them would mean to me. He is my safety blank and safe ship in a world that is always ever changing and never completely safe.
        On top of that, i am also realizing that my faith and experience with Master are finally coming together. It took a major conversation with Master about it, but i finally feel that it is getting to a place that i am happy with not feeling like the two are battling each other. Master has always been a big supporter of me and my faith, but for some reason for the longest time i felt like i couldn't be Master's slave and be a Christian. It just didn't seem to go together. However, the more i thought about it and the more we talked, it was made clear that you can be a Christian and also be in the lifestyle. It actually has made our relationship better and brought an amazing change that i wasn't expecting. i am now able to grow in my faith to God as well as expand my relationship with Master. There have been several times that i have prayed about things in our relationship and doing certain things and just letting me be at peace with it and it has worked amazing. i will admit that i haven't been the best Christian lately, but it has worked wonders being able to have both at the same time. :) i honestly can't wait to see where we are at a year or two from now and see how much things have changed for us. Both of us truly trust in God and He has guided us to places we never knew were possible. Trusting in Him to guide our steps and see where we go from here. He created both of us this way and i am not ashamed to say that i am a Christian and a slave. :D 
            ***future post coming when i get a chance about the reaction of my "Christian" friends to a BDSM related blog that they found talking about Christian Domestic Discipline and how it definitely sparked a controversy in me

Past Few Weeks....

   So right now i should be working on some homework and studyi, but i felt that i needed to write this before getting started on that. This is mostly something that Master already knows with a few things that He might not know mixed in (just not sure what all He has picked up or i have mentioned to Him lately).

These past few weeks have been an adventure to say the least. Master is now working and it has been a HUGE adjustment period for me and the kids, but mostly me. When Master and i first met He was working, but then He took some time off and has been home everyday since then with a few times where He had to be gone during the day to take care of things. During that time i was the one working between the time in the military and then the few odd jobs i have had after getting out before truly being able to focus on school. Part of me believes that this is what has spoiled me because He was always home for me and i could talk to Him anytime that i needed. Well since starting work that has changed. With His job there are times where i can't talk to Him because He is unavailable. It has been an adjustment to not always having Him right here to talk to and most of our conversations while He is working take place by text with a phone call or two. It definitely makes for a HUGE adjustment period in my opinion.
     Well along with that, things have been tipped opposite of what they were and i am finding myself lost on some things. Because of the dynamic that Master and myself have, i find myself thinking that i have to take care of everything from making sure kids are fed, changed, bathed, and any other duties that come with that to making sure laundry and dishes are done and the house picked up. It felt like i didnt want Him to have to worry about taking care of things between His short time at home between shifts and the days that He had off. It was all about making sure He was able to relax before going back to work another long shift. Master and i have talked about this, but for some reason i feel like i struggle with it every week. i just dont want to feel like i am adding to His already hectic schedule and cut into his relaxation time with me and our family while He is home. i feel it is my job as His lil one to provide for Him and make sure He is taken care of and by doing the things mentioned above i don't have to place that burden on Him to take care of those things while He is at home resting between work days. However, Master has been very quick to reassure me that it is perfectly okay and that i don't have to do all those things except what He has told me -- take care of the kids and do my school work. He has told me numerous times that it is me putting all those things on myself. It is very true and sometimes i wonder why i make extra work for myself when He has already stated that He is more than willing to help out if i need it because my days are just as long as His from dealing with the kids, going to school, and then studying/doing homework.
     

Guess all of that explains how rough of a transition it has been for me. On top of all that though, i dont have my Master with me at night which is typically when i would get my time with Him away from our kids (not that i dont love them and spending time with them but me and Him need our own time too). It is harder because the time that Him and i have together as Master and lil one is definitely much shorter now...It does make me value the time that i get with Him that much more though. He has even made comments to me in the past two weeks that it seems like i am more of lil one now that He is back at work when He has home. Admittedly i know there are days where i have felt that i have failed miserably at being lil one but He has pointed out to me that i havent. There have only been a couple times where i did get frustrated at Him for no reason. He very quickly corrected that with a spanking, which made me feel very loved and like lil one.

         At this point, i can only hope that most of this Master already knows. i have tried to truly be more open and communicate with Him even when He is at work. He has told me that He is always a phone call away and the even better blessing is that His partner at work is into the lifestyle as well and understands it so if Master can't answer the phone His partner can and relay any information that i need Him to. It makes it a little bit easier knowing that i dont have to be careful what i say around Him while He is at work and that i can relay information thru His partner at work if necessary. It has made for several interesting conversations between Master and myself. Hopefully at some point i can meet the person He is working with, but that may be in the future after the holidays or after my semester at school ends. It helps knowing that He is always going to be the one there for me and is truly trying to push past the barriers that have been put up from my past, which is part of the reason that i am so glad that i don't have to worry about what i say around His partner at work. i have too many people that i already have to be careful around that it makes one less person to worry about (people are ones that wouldn't understand at all if i said what Master and i are into).
       Now i have to confess that there is another part to what has been going on that i have told Master but it amazes me at how my body recognizes the change as well. Over these past couple weeks there have been several times where i have wanted to play because i was turned on, was missing Master, and just wanted to play. i am trying to work on communicating better with Master about me being turned on and the sucky part is that these days were ones where He was at work. i asked for permission and He allowed me to play. The crazy thing was that the first two days He was able to reply back right away when i sent Him a picture about half way thru the play time i was having with our wand that we have. However, i was able to cum a little bit but it was no where near the huge orgasms that happen when Master plays with me. For some reason those nights where He texted right after receiving His pictures my body recognized that He was there and there was a massive orgasm following a few minutes after His text message reply back to the picture. The hard part was a couple days ago. After giving my body some time to heal from the night Master got to play with His lil one (went in a little too far with the glass dildo that we have and nicked my cervix a little bit), i was allowed to play with myself. Even though i was distraction free and had my music on to keep my mind focused i just wasn't able to bring myself to truly cum like i do for Him. i think my body really does recognize that He is my Master and either i have to talk to Him in the middle of/right before playing by myself. My body recognizes that He is the one in control and follows His commands even when the two of us are apart. It is truly a wonder and makes me feel amazing at the same time knowing that i have come a long way for that to happen. Before i would have tried to push thru and ignore it (since i was given permission to play), but now i take it as a sign that my body wants Master's touch and that the toys just will not work the way i would like them to for play time. This was even with adding other toys that usually enhance things while Master is at home. This time it just didn't work, but i don't worry about it. Each time i have told Master that i wasn't able to have an orgasm like He gives me and it has made our playtime that much better.
      

Which i have to go back to our playtime the other night where i had so much fun and truly felt like lil one the whole time despite a few times where i felt my body trying to fight for a second or two (due to something trying to hit a trigger that i have gotten past for the most part). It is hard for me to just come out and jump Master, although i have done a handful of times. For me, it is easier to ask Him to leave the room for a few minutes because i can create a scenario of me waiting for Him in some shape or form as my way to express to Him that i am turned on and wish to have some time with Him. It is still a work in progress in being able to verbalize that i want Him that much, but hopefully these show Him that i truly am thinking of Him and wanting to spend time with Him. i set up the scenario and actually bound myself and found myself on my knees. This is typically a hard spot for me to be in after a certain period of time and they start hurting and i have to shift to a more comfortable position. However, i found that even though they did start hurting that it wasn't like before where i was seeking to get out of that position because that was where Master wanted me once He came in and saw the scenario i had put together. Now when i say scenario, i dont dictate what happens in a scene at all as that is Master's domain, but i do just get out our toys that He can use so they are easy to reach instead of thrown in our toy drawer and also put myself in a slave position for Him. It makes me feel so much more like lil one and helps further my mind into that lil one mindset that He loves so much. But during that whole scene i found myself in love with everything He was doing and wished that it didn't have to end. i remember pleading with Him for more times to cum because He had to stop due to me bleeding after nicking my cervix a little bit. It truly makes me feel so loved and warm and comfortable knowing that He gives me just what i need no matter what.
         

Oh and during that time it was amazing because i got to try out the new toy that Master had gotten as a gift from His new partner at work. It was a new glass butt plug and it was nice because it was smaller than the one that we had been using which was hurting because it is just too big at the present time and after having kids. Part of me had wanted to try it after getting it on one of the nights that Master had allowed me to play with myself, but i waited until He got to use it on me first. It felt so amazing going in and didn't hurt at all. The other one i could tell when it was going in and the smaller one we have just didnt stay in partly because it was one of the cheapo ones we bought when we were first buying toys after delving into the lifestyle together. This new glass one feels amazing and doesn't hurt and sits in there just right. Hopefully i can wear it a little bit better than the attempts that i had with our bigger one and wear it out of the house and remind myself that i am Master's lil one. It always makes me feel amazing to know He is with me and that would just remind me of His presence even when He isn't there with me (like at school or around the house when He is at work).

       So the last part is in relation to a new thing that i haven't brought up with Master yet. i just thought about this while my thoughts were coming out for this post and i plan to talk to Him about it later tonight. Master had bought me a necklace that i wore in public to symbolize my collar and it was also symbolic of my faith. However, it has been work constantly and had children pulling on it as well as just life happening and the chain is on it's last legs. So instead of wearing it and possibly losing it, i have chosen not to wear it because i don't want to lose it at all. Well before this latest collar, Master had bought a different one and i loved it (still do) but it got a little snug around my neck after our last child. Before it had felt like it was going to choke me at any second and was a little tight for my comfort. However, looking at it now i think i am going to go back to wearing it. It is my collar for Him and is in essence my slave collar because it has a locking mechanism on it. It may be a little snug, but the other slave collar that i have confessed to Master that i liked would be even tighter around my neck (the solid  ring that some slaves wear). Even though i may feel a discomfort while wearing it, i have to push that discomfort aside. It is essentially the same as putting my own discomfort out of the way while in a scene with Master (like something is merely uncomfortable not meaning something that qualifies as a safe word use). i need to break out of my comfort zone and get back to wearing my collar and realize that there is always going to be some discomfort with something, but that it is okay. It may even serve as a reminder to me that it is okay to step out of my comfort zone and that He will always be there for me if i need it. So starting this next week i will be wearing my collar again with pride for my Master and not for me, because it is His collar after all. He didn't give it to me lightly and i shouldn't not wear it simply because i feel uncomfortable. It is my mark of ownership and i will be very proud to wear it out and show off that i belong to Him!

        And last thing is Master and i are needing a new bedframe at some point in the near future. It has been almost 6 years since we have bought one (trashed our old one with this last move since it was broken beyond repair). With how much Master and i are truly connecting with each other and focusing on the lifestyle as well, i feel that a bed like this would be an amazing option. We may not have enough to purchase a bondage bed from one of those major dealers, but i think we could swing a canopy bed that looks similar to this since Master and i both love the bondage side of the lifestyle and He likes to experiment with rope ties too :)

Reflections

Wow...as i sit here and write this, i realize just how bad i have been at updating my blog. However, i will say that life has gotten even crazier and even more hectic since Master and i have added a second child to our family and with me back in school working towards my nursing degree. There have been so many changes that i am so glad that i still have this blog to keep track of them.

The major thing i have realized is that i am quite hard on myself in telling myself when i get back on here that i havent blogged in so long and that i will do better and blog everyday and i blog once or twice and then it goes back downhill again. Well this time, i have come to realize that this blog used to be the only outlet that i had to tell Master how i was feeling and what was going thru my head. Instead, He has very much pushed hard for me to communicate better with Him about things. This means that there is less blogging on my end about various things because i am being more open and honest with Him about things. Now i feel like i can start to make this blog more about everything in my life instead of just using it as an outlet to vent my feelings to Master since i wasn't good at expressing my feelings.

This picture says everything about the way i feel now about how i am truly trying to work on communicating better with Master about various things. Granted, there are still some times where i find myself having issues communicating with things or various things that happen get in the way of me being open and honest with Him, i feel i am getting better. He has gotten more patient and has learned a couple questions that if i'm not able to pull out what i want to say right away help me pull it out and put it into sentences that i can tell Him to get things across.


With changing to a new school and being so close to getting into nursing school and getting my

nursing degree, it has definitely added a lot to my plate. However, i feel that for some reason this time around i am still able to focus on Master and His needs for the most part. With that being said, i have to point out how amazing He has been. Master wakes up early to take care of the kids and get them where they need to go. He makes sure that when i get home if i need time to study or do any kind of class work that i can get it done by taking care of the children and keeping them occupied. Master has also been very amazing in that He has helped me study for major tests. This semester i may get close to a 4.0 and a lot of it has to do with His support. If i need help, he is very good about quizzing me and of course there is an extra reward to remember the right answers. For every wrong answer i receive a swat/spanking. It has led to me remembering a lot. Plus it helps ease my piece of mind by showing me what i really know and what i need to focus on. Master is very quick to point out when i am VERY much overthinking things. He has been a big blessing in me being able to get as close as i am to achieving my nursing degree. i dont feel like i ever tell Him enough, but i am beyond grateful that He is as supportive of me achieving this dream of becoming a nurse as He is. :D He has truly kept me from giving in the towel when all the chips were down because i felt like there was nowhere to turn. Now i am in an amazing school and have a great chance of getting into the nursing school i applied to and am doing amazing in my classes.

Master is truly my strength and has allowed me to keep it together so many times. He is amazing and it is amazing to think we have learned so much in the time the two of U/us have been together as a couple and as Master and lil one.

Master has brought this belief out in me and i hope to work on it in the future. He made mention earlier today about how He wished when i facetimed Him that He could have seen me on my knees in position for Him because i have a hard time staying still. It made me smile so big because it made me feel loved to know that He wanted me at His feet and this position is where i feel the most at home at times. Although this picture talks about pleasing a Dom, i feel it is just as pertinent in relating to me pleasing Master. As He tells me a lot of the time, i let myself get into my head and i let things get to me too easily. The part about pushing my body is very true and part of that for me is that i definitely need to start focusing on keeping my body healthy and the other part is that i sometimes need to push past the pain that i feel when my body decides to act up a little bit. The good thing about this is that i am working at trying to put it into Master's hands and let Him judge whether or not He wants to push any kind of activities while knowing what i am experiencing pain wise and level (such as migraine or side pain). This picture leads me to wonder if getting into position during the day for whatever reason i need it at the time would be something i should look into doing, especially if the kneeling position is a position that i feel puts me back into my submissive/slave mindset.

Ultimately i find myself feeling this a lot more each day that i focus more on Master and O/our relationship instead of letting the humdrum of the day get to me. More time i find myself focusing on Master and making sure that i am taking care of Him or not getting frustrated because something was done the way that i would have done it. When i focus on Him and being His lil one, it lets me know that He loves me unconditionally and it helps keep me going. He is what allows me to do everything else because by focusing on Him and making Him happy, i receive the support that i need to handle things that come up in my life from a rough day at school to juggling things with Him, family life, work life, school life, and just all things in general. He truly makes me feel loved and i can only hope that He sees the changes i am trying to make for Him for a better lil one, but also most importantly for myself so that He can have the lil one that He deserves! i find myself tired, but He is what keeps me going and gives me energy each day knowing He is proud of me for going (plus loving the school i'm at now helps).

New thoughts and transitions ahead maybe??

       There have been thoughts rolling around my lately about what i wanted to post on here from things ive thought before and wanted to say to just things i want to do in the future and how things are progressing between Master and myself. However, life has seemed to make everything else a priority besides turning on the computer and writing down everything that is roaming around in my head. So many changes since the last time i wrote and unexpected turns that life has brought to Master and myself. 

     Last time i posted about how Master and i were beginning to make changes in how the two of U/us interacted with each other and the type of relationship we had. Since Master and i got married, there have been many different things that influenced our relationship and the dynamic we shared. For lack of a better way to put it, life definitely got in the way as well as things in both mine and His control got in the way....although more mine than His. i guess i have to explain this part to make more sense of why the change....

    In the beginning of our relationship, i was more carefree than i was a year to two years ago. When i first started blogging on here, it was partially a way for me to keep Him in the loop with what was going on with me both in my head after things happened and also with because i lived out of state at the time we got together. Now it is a way for me to get things off my chest and just to let Master know what is going on in my head since i am still working on some of the minor details that come with O/our dynamic. It was very different when we first got together because not long after the two of U/us got together and He became my Master i had to leave to do my job. Between that and basically being in a field where it is male dominated and having to take control, it caused me to lose the lil one side of myself. It was there, but it was only a shadow of what it had been when i first met Master. He never once complained and though things were good, i wasn't the lil one that He had met and had fallen in love with. Now with that being said, both of us know that people can change and things evolve over time. However, this was more because i was letting another job dictate things and it became my Master and He began to be put second. It took A LOT of talking between the both of us since this job has ended and i am moving on. But there are still the scars that are still here and it has left me trying to embrace a new future and let the past go at the same time. 

    In the past, i have posted that i will start to put more blog posts up or even post every single day. It seems that i need to be more lenient on myself on writing and that sometimes it may not be feasible for me to be able to write every single day. Crazy that before i felt that i just HAD to write for it to be a part of the lifestyle dynamic between myself and Master. However, since starting to make changes to our dynamic it has come to my attention that writing down what im feeling or something that i need to tell Master isnt as good as actually communicating with Him about things. He has encouraged me to work on my communication and until recently i had used these writings as an excuse to do so. Now there is the possibility that every so often writing may be the only way to get my words out, which would be the exception to the case above. Not communicating has been one of my biggest issues.

    Since Master and i got together, there have been walls that have been up due to several things that came about either from how i was raised or certain events that happened in my life. He pointed out to me several times over the years that i had walls up and that i didnt trust Him, but the words kept coming out of my mouth that i did trust Him. Apparently i was a walking contradiction especially when the phrase "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind. This was most definitely what i was doing and i fought against this up until recently. Then one day something changed and i realized that these walls were there and that because of them i wasnt fully trusting Him. *gasp* i know...crazy to say that He was my Master and that even though i was His submissive that i wasnt fully trusting Him. Even worse was that this man had NEVER done anything to make me not trust Him. In fact, He did EVERYTHING to make me trust Him and then some. He was that rock that was always there and never once ran away from me. Even when there were the big huge fights (which oddly enough have been the defining moments that led to new changes in our dynamic), He never once left me like i thought He would do because that's what other people in my life had done. He has always stayed by me and has constantly reassured me that no matter what happens He will always be there for me. 

    That is something that has taken some time to really sink in my head. Oddly enough, it took me having a second child to really come to understand just how important the dynamic is not just for us on a sexual level but the peace and comfort it provides us in our everyday life. Lately i have realized i am more comfortable with myself as lil one when i let things happen naturally. There are still many different things that i am trying to overcome from my past and allow myself to let loose on, but i know that it is a slow process. Master has been so amazing in talking with me and getting me to realize that there have been walls up that i never really knew about or am starting to find as i dig thru and let loose. He has taught me so much in the past year that i am really trying to take it to heart and show Him that i am trying to be that lil one that He truly deserves to have. He has been so patient and has stuck by me when there have been several times He could have run because things weren't what they were when we started together. 

    Now with all that being said, life has been crazy the past two years and both Master and myself have had to tone down the dynamic a little bit because we had to move in with a super conservative family member to help save money on bills. It is hard to believe that this family member has passed away, which allows us to be more open with the lifestyle that we live in. This family member was an amazing person to let us live with them and Master and i will always be grateful for them providing a roof over our head when we needed it the most. So our family has been thru a lot with the family member passing, but now i find that the two of us have been able to get back in to being our own selves again. The two of us are trying to get settled back on our own again, but it has caused me to think about a lot of things with the two of us and how i would like to continue to get back to being the lil one that i was when i met Master and before i let other people cause me to lose sight of myself. 

     The past few weeks i started some classes as i am working on my degree towards nursing at a new school. It has me gone most of the day and when i do come home i barely have time to eat before i have to dive into the homework and studying. It makes me wonder if i am being there for Master and being the lil one like i should be. He is always great about reassuring me that He will ALWAYS want me. But the craziest thing is that the week i started school, Master had to get up with the baby and i was getting ready for class. i had to cook myself breakfast and since He was already awake i felt that i should fix Him something too. It was just a natural reaction and it made me feel so proud that i was able to make Him some breakfast and take care of Him even though i spend a lot of time away for school. He has been so amazing helping with the other things that i am not able to take care of as well as i would be able to if a majority of my time wasnt focused on school. The past few weeks with Master and i myself being back in our roles (with a few exceptions from day i was sick and with times i have to work on homework later into the night) it has been the most comforting thing in my life despite our life being very up in the air at the moment. It has brought me a calming reassurance that no matter what, He will always be there to help push me to better myself in a good way and that He truly does want me to better myself. This was shown the other morning when He woke up early with me, let me drive to school (if both of us are together He always drives unless it is thru a drivethru order), quizzed me on my biology, took care of the kids while i took my test, waited for me to have lunch with a friend, and numerous other things despite being tired from waking up with the baby during the night. Words can't express how grateful i am for the little things like this that He does for me, while also showing His dominance and control over me. 

     The future is uncertain at the moment, but i think that from now i plan to try to write in here when it is needed but not use it as my only means of communication. For the longest time i used it as a crutch and it has hampered things when i should have been able to say how i was feeling. Instead i hid behind my writings and told myself that was my way of telling Him how i felt. Now i intend to focus on actually talking with Him like i should have been able to do from the beginning. i also need to accept that lil one is a part of me and there is no way to hide it. Honestly im actually excited about the two of us getting into our own place so we dont have to worry about family coming by and messing things up. It is exciting to see where things will go from here with the two of us and the lil one that Master fell in love with coming back out. 

how i feel about Master most recently :) 

the D/s that Master and i have are most definitely very unique like this post says 

Master has most definitely been reminding me of this all the time 

my best friend and has most definitely ALWAYS been there for me

      

Catching up.....

So first off, i have to admit that i didnt realize how long it had been since i last wrote in my blog. Omg do i feel bad for those that look for a post to see if i'm still around. Promise i havent disappeared, but life has most certainly gotten chaotic around here. 

Master is back in school and is working hard to get His certifications back. Which im SOOOOO proud of Him in doing so. He is working hard to make sure that He can provide for His family and it makes me love Him so much more. Now im not going to lie, but it brings out the lovely feelings down inside that before long i will be able to enjoy making His lunch and waiting for Him when He gets home and hopefully having dinner ready on the table. 

On top of that, im back in school and working towards my degree. It has been kind of chaotic getting back into the swing of things are going through a period where i felt that i wasnt really being challenged. Now i ended up challenging myself, and possibly too much as Master has been so good to point out, and have taken on 18 hours this semester. It has been a rough spot so far and i have been struggling slightly with getting my assignments handed in on time and studying and just balancing it with the chaotic life of being married and having a child. 

Family life has gotten very crazy and there has been so much that has changed since the last time i wrote. Christmas has brought some very strong emotions up in that i went out to visit my biological father for the second time and his wife, who i call mum because she was like a mother to me (even more of a mother than the one that gave birth to me). It was there that my dad revealed to me all the paperwork that he had been keeping over the years from the custody and divorce battle between him and my mother, and towards the end my stepfather. Reading through those and finding out all about how different things are really was shocking to me. Those letters revealed that she was trying to hide from him. He had to get the police involved to get them to let her know that she was being called in to court, not to mention at the time she left the state and flew all the way to the otherside of the country to keep me from him (which in my opinion was kidnapping at the time). 

My biological mother is a liar and has been lying to me my entire life after those documents revealed her true nature. She told my biological father in a letter that he just needed to give up and let me go because i was calling another man daddy and that was how it was going to be and that he just needed to accept it that way. It was hurtful to me that she would do this. I didnt get to make a choice at all and that is the part that infuriates me! She, for whatever reason, chose that he would be cut out of my life! The whole time growing up whenever i had asked about him growing up i would be told that he chose to not be involved in my life and he is the one who didnt call or write or send anything. However the letters revealed that she told him that i was going to be adopted by my stepfather and that he should just go ahead and let me go and forget about me because i wasnt going to know him. 

Since finding out about all of this, i have been struggling with what to do and how to manage things.

(these are some ramblings that i forgot to post)

Been gone with life

    Wow it has been a while since the post on this blog has been updated. Mostly because of life has it been neglected. W/we both have been busy with school, ride along's, our daughter, her being pregnant, and just life in general. W/we are still living the BDSM lifestyle as best we can.  W/we have been really blessed to have made it to 29 weeks with this little boy with minimum complications. Its been a whole new experience for us as with our daughter we were in a hospital room and had nurses looking after her making sure all was going well. lil one has a cerclage that is helping with her cervix and is also being given P17 shots to help as well. I (Master R) have been busy with going to school to get My recertification as an Advanced EMT (think of paramedic) and having to deal with all that comes with it. lil one is doing the same while being pregnant so she has it twice as hard. W/we have come to the conclusion that we do need this lifestyle and that it has helped us in so many ways when we have some arguments or rough times.



    For those wanting to know W/we are having a boy and when he was last measured he was ahead of where we actually thought he was so he is growing great and lil one is hanging in there with all the aches and pains and all the symptoms that come with the pregnancy. she is a hero in My book with keeping the house in shape, taking care of our daughter and all her activities, making and protecting our offspring, keeping up with bills, making sure I am taken care of, getting lunches and dinners prepared and served, and keeping sane through it all. I try to tell her everyday that she is amazingly sexy and beautiful. To Me there is nothing more beautiful than your wife and best friend to be molding and making an offspring for you. W/we have an amazing daughter who is daddy's girl all the way but I know for Me I am excited to have a boy. Having one of each has always been the way I wanted it and am so blessed to have it that way in a few months.




So for those who did read this blog W/we thank you and will try to keep it up as best we can.

Feeling free

Last night was a magical night for me and Master, at least in my opinion. It seems like life got in the way for a while and both of U/us were trying to find the path back to the lifestyle and back to being Master and lil one while adding in the responsibilities of O/our everyday life. 

Master and i were laying in bed last night when He had the urge to take what belonged to Him. He used me and i remember that He wanted to be finished by me sucking Him off. As i did so, He had me on my knees on the ground. In this past, this typically meant that my knees would start hurting not long after getting into this position. However, with how the activity level of both myself and Him have increased, my ability to hold that position have gotten better. It almost feels like i am getting back to what i was able to do when i first met Him (where i was put in position for 30 minutes no moving as a punishment when long distance skype was O/our only option).  This is an amazing feeling to me as i truly want to get back to being the lil one that He first met as i feel since getting married and having a child things have gone to the wayside a little bit in regards to the lifestyle. 

Back to me being on my knees (lovely picture right now im betting) on the floor in front of Master and sucking Him off. He ended up shooting His cum all over me and marking my face and breasts with His cum. It was an interesting feeling for sure and it definitely makes me feel like His slave and lil one when He marks me. It reminds me of my place and makes me feel more secure with where i stand. After He shot His cum all over me, normally that is when He ends things and both of U/us get cleaned up and cuddle together and calm down before falling asleep for the night. Last night, Master treated me to the wand massager that was bought a month or so ago. Then He decides that while i am still down on my knees that He will continue to play with me and push me to cum multiple times. 

The crazy thing is that as i was in the position, my senses were heightened and i could feel it that much more. Body and mind craved Him and i could feel myself loving the feeling of Him exerting His control over Him. He began to push my body more and more as He held the wand in. It was the most intense feeling in the world as every ounce of my being told me to fight it and break the position, but i knew He wanted me to hold the position because He had started playing with me while still on my knees. It was sooooo freeing and it was an interesting feeling to have wave after wave of the orgasms cut through and hit me but i was still able to hold the position. It was the most intense feeling and i loved it. :) It made me feel extremely close to Him and im so glad that He did that for me.

Now i find myself craving His touch again. Part of me wants to jump Him, but at the same time He isnt feeling very good and i definitely dont want to push Him too hard and make Him sicker. He is working very hard to go to school so that He can support U/us in the future and i dont want to risk that (not that i would anyways but just the thought in my head). My thoughts find myself on wanting to use the butt plug that W/we have that i have finally gotten to where it is comfortable when inserted. The first night that He played with it and the glass dildo inside of me, i realized what it was like to truly feel full. Part of me craves that feeling of being full from a combination of Him in either my pussy or ass and a dildo/buttplug in the one not being used. It creates an amazing sensation and last time i believe made my orgasms that much more. My mind goes back to that night where He and i played with the new toys and He had me tied to the bed where i couldnt move as He played with the glass dildo in my pussy, inserted the butt plug in my ass, and played with the wand on my clit. OMG the feelings that i remember. It is hard for me to just come out and ask for things, but i love it when Master places me in the restraints and uses me as it reminds me everytime of my place. 

The crazy thing is i crave a good spanking and then being used with what was mentioned above with Him teasing me like crazy and then just ramming both me with His cock. It truly does sound absolutely amazing right about now, especially the feeling of being fucked after getting a spanking and squirting for Him when He tells me to cum. However, as much as i want all of these things i also have to remember that it is not up to me if i get it or not. Master decides when i will and will not get what i want and if He feels He is sick then it will have to wait. All i know is there is such a strong craving to be restrained with rope/bondage and forced to do as He wants as it centers me and makes me feel at home (especially since we have a chair that makes for easy restraining in the room now). The pictures included below are what im feeling right now:

Please, please, please, please, please Master?? Can You please?

 This looks sooooo hot!!! love the thought of this....

Love the thought of this....being teased, tied up, and fucked by Master...yummy :)

interesting to try since i have yet to be restrained to a chair and used. Would it be any fun for Master? Dont know yet if it would be......

Wonder if this is why people buy futons for their spare bedrooms? This would be interesting to say the least to try and see how it works with Master ;) 

 Tied to the bed with a wand right there? Oh man i would love this as Master stands over me telling me either to wait to cum or whispering in my ear to cum for Him.

 This almost looks like the plug that Master and i have that has taken me a little bit to get used to...love this picture

Love the thought this picture makes me think of Master using me like He does. 

All of these pictures have me thinking and i know with both of us not feeling well for the day, these thoughts will be for another night. But for now, at least Master knows that i am thinking about Him.