Desires....

      So tonight has found me thinking about a lot of things and most of it is concerning Master. He is the most amazing man ever and today has just completely solidified that even more. There has been so much growth between the two of U/us that i am really amazed at just how far W/we have come. Granted there are still days where i revert back to my old ways, but Master is much more quick to set me back in my place and in my ways.
      Master and i had a nice long talk last month about what things i would like to change and various things that i would like to see in myself. A lot of it has been from introspection thanks to a friend that Master and i met at the local munch. Not sure about Master, but i know that i consider this person to be a mentor to me and Master too. The insight revealed that i need to learn how to ask Master for something if i need it. He is not a mind reader and if i need something He cant tell that i need it unless i am open with Him about it. This is something that i have tried so hard to work on, but it is hard for me to vocalize my needs to Him. He knows that it is not easy for me to ask Him to tie me up and use me or to do this or that to me. There is a part of me that has been shut down for a while now due to how i was raised and the ideas that my family put in my head. My parents decided that it wasnt right to have different desires and urges (hypocritical because of the situation with my dad being transgender and my mom still being married to him). It wasnt normal to show these desires and urges and on top of that, most of my memories of relationships growing up was one of fighting and bickering and keeping things behind closed doors. With Master, it has taken some time for me to learn that it is perfectly acceptable to want Master to touch me or to give Him a kiss although W/we will never be ones to be on the verge of having sex in public because W/we dont like that kind of display.
         Working out with Master was such an amazing feeling for me today. It was amazing to know that He was right there with me, going through what i was going through. He was acting just as goofy as i was doing the workout videos and then went for a walk with me after the workouts. It felt amazing and i am still on that high even though its hours after the fact. He made me feel so special and i just cant believe how special i felt. It has taken a while for me to get on the train for working out, but im glad that He is right there and not against doing it with me.
          That brings me to the thing that is weighing on my mind heavy tonight. It has been a good while since Master has given me a spanking (like a good spanking not from where i got in trouble). When the mentor told me that there are times where i need something from Master and it may even be a spanking or something along those lines, i thought it would be forever before i would be able to ask Him for a spanking. These new changes have allowed me to become more connected with my inner self. It may be just in writing, but i know that i am asking Him for a spanking. It is a desire that i feel in me that i couldnt quite tell before. There is this need and desire in me to feel Him mark His lil one, to spank me and mark me as His, to remind me of my place as His lil one, to soothe my worries and fears, just to resituate myself. There are other reasons, but those are the only ones that i can put into words. He has just made me feel so much more like my slave self that i feel i need to get back to it even more. Things are stressing me out and a spanking centers me.
          There is another need too. It is a need to be taken by Master and used as He wishes. It feels like so long since the two of U/us have been able to play that i feel off centered. He has tried anal with me again and i find myself wanting that and to feel Him just in me and used at His whim. It was amazing to feel Him and the love i feel when He ties me up and teases me......ummm yeah. It makes me feel whole and complete to know that i please Him by allowing Him to do that to me and it makes me feel so pleasurable at the same time. Just to feel His hands running up and down my body and knowing that my body is His to do with as He pleases. Yummy. Oddly enough im hoping that Master will enjoy His lil one tonight by making good use of my body for Him. My mind is thinking of Him cumming in my ass and how it feels so good when after He gets comfortable He starts plowing in and out making me feel crazy and then the feeling when He uses the wand on me as He is going in and out of my pussy. Ahhhhh i find myself craving all these different sensations. My mind is hoping for a session from Him to leave me relaxed and feeling even more connected to Him.
            It may not be tonight or it may not be til next week, but i know that Master will read this and know that this is my way of asking Him. He is my Master and i trust Him completely to know when to give me what i need. Last night allowed me to reconnect with Him in an amazing way and im hoping that tonight He will do the same thing again. Last night was the first time in a good little while that i have worn my collar and it left me feeling very submissive. Im not sure how Master feels, but im hoping that every night W/we can put on my collar until it is time to sleep because it makes me feel whole and complete and very connected with Him.
         This blog post may be a lot of rambling, but im hoping it makes sense for the one person that im trying to express my feelings for. It is a good thing that mother nature has disappeared and His lil one is excited to be able to show just how much i love Him. :) love You so much Master. Now to watch the movie with You and enjoy Your roaming hands.

Being Brave

This holiday season has led me to a lot of revelations about myself, my Master, O/our family, and O/our local munch family. It is both good and bad because part of it was an amazing thing that i realized about both Master and myself that is making me so proud of myself, but the other part is so disheartening to me and it makes me just feel so down and out. However, there is always a silver lining to everything and that will be expanded on later.

Lately my new personal anthem has taken the shape of a popular song(actually 2-3 of the new popular songs) and i find it being played whenever i feel myself going down the negative road. It is so inspirational to me and keeps me from dwelling on these negative feelings that would have overwhelmed me in the past and caused me to lash out at Master. He knew in the past why these were happening and would take a step back and sometimes my lashings hurt Him, but He was quick to realize the situation. Now He has told me that He couldnt be prouder of me for turning over this new leaf. He laughs, but in a good way, because when He hears these songs He knows that it is my way of destressing and preventing these people and situations from getting the better of me. They are the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Roar" by Katy Perry, and "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.
"You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave"
~"Brave" by Sara Bareilles

With my temporary job, I allowed myself to work as much as possible because i knew that W/we needed the money and there was no guarantee how long it would last. This meant that i was working on Christmas eve. When i was originally hired, Master's family made plans that on Christmas eve the family would get together and His grandfather to celebrate because the older brother did Christmas with his wife's family on Christmas day. So in this conversation which the family members had in a group message on FB, i told them all that i was going to be working that day and that my family would be in town (originally they were supposed to be). Well on Christmas eve, i was at work and Master and i had decided that W/we would go visit on Christmas since i was off and my family had changed plans. Well i sent out a text to the older brother and younger brother's wives telling them that W/we would be up if they wanted to meet up since they had presents they wanted to exchange. It was basically letting them know the approximate time frame that W/we were expected to be up there to visit and they could get their presents from U/us as well. Needless to say the conversation turned from "im sorry but if we had known sooner we could have made plans" to (this next part is the conversation from one wife to me--the conversation where i could tell she was trying to make me feel like crap)

younger Wife: "im working until 2 and then going to older wife's. thats why we all planned on going to His grandfather's. so we could all spend Christmas together. ill just leave your presents at His grandfather's."
me: ok sorry. we just found out"
younger wife: "why dont yall come tonight?"
me: "im working and my family was supposed to be here but they changed plans"
younger wife: "what time do you get off? im working today. im going afterwards."
me: "i dont get off til late tonight. plus its at least an hour drive for us to get there."
younger wife: "ok. well i can leave your presents at His grandfather's that way yall get them"

(This second conversation is from the older brother's wife to me. She set up the meet up to celebrate Christmas for Master's side of the family because her family celebrates their own Christmas on Christmas morning.)

older wife: "gosh if we would have known earlier we could have but tomorrow is completely filled were doing our family Christmas...." "No sorry we have a bunch of family tomorrow. Thats why we set up His family side tonight..just let me know the next time yall come down a couple days in advance"
me: "okay sorry. we just found out. i can leave your gifts at His grandfather's"
older wife: "its cool but we will def have to meet up the next time!!...."
me: "ok sounds good"
older wife: "are your parents spending the night with yall"
me: "no they changed plans and are stopping by after Christmas later this weekend"
older wife: "oh ok yall still cant come tonight?"
me: "no im working late an its at least an hour drive to get to His grandfather's for us"
older wife: "oh yea younger wife, younger brother, and older brother work today to. older brother just doesnt have far to drive. what time do you get off"
me: (at this point i was just pissed and i just threw out a late time so they would leave me alone) "11"
older wife: "gotcha"

Needless to say that these text messages between both of them (both at the same time) infuriated both myself and Master. This was family and they were basically trying to make U/us feel like crap for not being there when W/we had already explained due to work obligations there was no way we could make it. To be honest, if they had reacted differently W/we may have gone that night because it started at 630 and i got off work at 5 but because of this interaction W/we both refused to go. W/we have a set timeline for O/our family because of a child and it would require U/us to drive about an hour fifteen minutes to hour and a half to get to the family house and then not having eaten yet (which makes for cranky child) and just all sorts of other factors playing into it that just wasnt a good setup for U/us. Receiving all these texts at work infuriated me and Master was just as furious when i sent Him a copy of the messages that i was receiving, especially after i told Him that they made me feel like they were trying to single U/us out for not coming there and for not coming despite me working. It made me made, but i vowed to not let it bother me too much.

Fast forward to today and i find that i have found even more clarity when it comes to this so called "family" of O/ours (more His than mine but my family has its own faults too which a post in and of itself). His older brother's wife was throwing the get-together on Christmas eve so she could celebrate Christmas with her own family Christmas day. However, the odd thing is that His younger brother and His younger brother's wife and her family were invited over to celebrate Christmas with this family as well. His younger brother has no relation to that side of the family other than his older brother married the wife. There should have been no reason for them to celebrate if it was for her family only like i was told. So then FB this morning, there are pictures of them celebrating and lovely comments back and forth about how it was so amazing that they were able to spend time there and that her family had such a good time and other things. To be honest it infuriated me at first because it hurt to know that i have been in this family longer and they all claimed to have accepted me and loved me, but their actions are saying more and more that they dont. It's like Master has said that they have an elitist view that somehow they are better than anybody else in the family. It even makes one wonder about what they will think about O/our gifts. Due to O/our finances this year, W/we did a cute homemade ornament and scrabble letters for each family as O/our gift. It wasn't much but Master and i like gifts that are thoughtful, not ones where You spend a ton of money to use a few times and toss away (not that it is a bad thing if people want to buy that for U/us). W/we have realized the memories of making these gifts and how personalized they are is greater than a lot of things W/we could find in stores. Not only that as many family members as W/we have to buy for and the people mentioned above are given everything they want on a silver platter, that leaves little for U/us to find for gifts. Master and i are definitely the outcasts and they have no problem flaunting this on FB. As far as im concerned, i will not stoop to their level but im not going out of my way anymore for them. There will be no purchasing anything for them if they whine about not having things and needing them (there is more money there than Master and i have had even with me being former military). No helping moving or anything unless W/we get asked and that is only if W/we can fit it into O/our schedules not theirs.

The most important lesson i learned from the so-called "family" was that they are not "family" at all to me. There is no care and concern there for either Master, myself, or O/our child. There has been ample helpings of care and concern from O/our local munch family that W/we have been completely overwhelmed because of it (in a good way of course). When W/we brought up the topic of trying to find a job, there was no judgement whatsoever but instead messages of encouragement and advice on where to look for both Master and myself. The times W/we are able to go to munches, it is as if W/we had never missed one. It has been years since i have felt entirely comfortable around others and the local munch family makes me feel so comfortable. Granted W/we are still getting to know people, but they still treat U/us way better than O/our family has ever done! There is more love and laughter than W/we have ever been used to and i can only hope that O/our child learns more from their examples than from the people that claim they are "family" to U/us. Words can never be expressed just how thankful i am to have these people in O/our lives and to turn to in a time of need or even just for a word of advice or comfort. T/they are amazing people and i cant wait to get to know more and more about these people who i feel have become just like my aunts/uncles/cousins/sisters/brothers/whatever they wish to be known as. Their love is what i chose to surround myself and at some point in the future, i will chose to ignore the negative and embrace the positive things and love that surrounds U/us. My only hope is that T/they know just how much of an impact T/they have had on me in such a short amount of time and that i am truly thankful for each and every one of T/them. The future is looking bright for myself and Master and i cant wait to see what it holds with O/our new family. :D

update
These past few days have showed U/us even more of why W/we are thankful for what W/we have and that O/our "family" isnt really family at all. It was discovered after pictures were posted on FB that our child ranks significantly lower than the niece and nephew of the younger brother. There are three children for him and his new wife to buy for. Of course, one would expect to spend the same amount of money on each child. However, in this case it wasnt true. O/our child got a toy that costs $5 and a pair of pants and jacket. The oldest niece of the younger brother got a powerwheels four wheeler that costs about $175ish and a few other gifts as well. To me that seems very insensitive to pay a lot for one child and not really anything for the other. It made me feel hurt for my child because when they get older how am i going to explain why the cousin is getting more than them? Thats not a conversation a child should deal with? It just floors me how they can openly do this and be okay with it? No person who truly cares about family would do this, especially to a child. Needless to say W/we are grateful for what O/our child did get, but it would have been nice for them to spend the same amount on both children. They could have bought learning toys or something else to go with it (it didnt have to be a powerwheels car since the child is still too young for one). This was the last straw that broke the camel's back i guess Y/you could say.

The other part of the update is that apparently the older wife has gotten their Christmas presents from U/us and was none too happy about it. There was a facebook post that said "some people never seize to amaze me(written while she was mad and should have been cease)" Then that wife when asked who it was refused to name who it was on facebook. The part that told me it was U/us was when i sent a message asking if they had opened their gifts yet. Magically older wife went from being online to mobile and then completely offline (gotta love facebook and the new chat settings) but the ironic thing is that i know she saw the post because it said "seen at ...." which was about two minutes after i wrote it. Then when i sent a text message the next morning, she has yet to answer this text message (although she would probably claim that she never received it). It just makes me laugh if she is unhappy with O/our Christmas gifts because Master and i have learned that its not about the money or buying the newest and greatest gift, but right now W/we like the thought of doing homemade especially since it gets O/our child involved in the gift exchange. Memories and putting things together like that in a time where W/we dont have much money is worth more to U/us right now than a store bought gift. We'd be happy with pictures or things like that which are more momentos and either dont cost anything or are very inexpensive to make, but older wife and younger wife insist on buying gifts instead of making them. Either way W/we were very happy with O/our gifts and had a blast making them. Besides its the thought that counts right?

So needless to say they have moved even farther down the totem pole than they were before. Master and i are feeling more blessed than ever before for what W/we have and the people that are in O/our lives, especially those in O/our local munch family.

Updates....oh and some thoughts thrown in too!

   Wow, so i just realized that it has been a little over a month since i have written last. Maybe that is why i feel like there are so many emotions swirling around in my head. Either way, it is definitely something that is much needed and right now i feel i need to get everything out in the open either way.
    So i feel that i should get this out in the open and hopefully it doesn't come off the way that i don't want it to. Master i am throwing this disclaimer out right now that there is nothing displeasing about what You are doing, it is what im doing/not doing that i am unhappy about.
    Best place to start is to catch up on our lives recently. Master and i are FINALLY back in our own place. Thankfully we found a place that was the perfect price range, quiet community, excellent amenities and everything. It is amazing, but the only downside is that we have neighbors below us that we have to take care not to stomp and things of that nature. Plus we also have a neighbor beside us. It is frustrating having to be careful about our activities because we definitely don't want to alarm our neighbors by them hearing Master smacking me or giving me a spanking. This makes it hard for me to concentrate, especially since i know that there is the possibility that our neighbors can hear us. This happened yesterday when Master punished me for getting upset at Him for no reason. It was hard because the smack of the hairbrush echoes in our room.
     Other than that fear, this new place is amazing because i am able to clean up at leisure, do laundry and not worry about it being moved to make way for someone else's if they need it, and just being able to get back to being us in general. Having our own space and not being looked at funny because we do things a certain way is certainly a blessing and i have never been so thankful to be in our own place in my life. It makes me more thankful that we were able to get this place. It happened out of a bad situation with His family, but i will choose to leave that out of this post because it is a HUGE problem with me but Master knows how i feel concerning this.
     So there is a couple things that i have been struggling with since we moved in here and i feel bad because Master has even told me that i am bad at communicating at times. It has taken me a little while to figure out how to voice what i feel about these two things, but now that i know what it is, i can only hope that it doesn't upset Him/hurt Him/make Him feel like He is doing anything wrong. Reading on FL, i came across a post in one of the groups i belong to about who cooks in the family and it got me thinking about us. Since we have moved in here, aside from last night Master has cooked just about every night. Now don't get me wrong, i really don't mind Master cooking and love His cooking. He cooks just as well as i do if not better at quite a few meals. However, there is a part of me that struggles with this and only after reading that post did i realize what it was about---Master cooking. It has nothing to do with His style of cooking or anything like that, but that simply put He is the one cooking and not me. Ever since things have changed in our dynamic to shift towards the M/s dynamic, i have felt that it is more my duty to do the things like keep the house clean, do the laundry, cook, and just make sure everything is running smoothly and that Master is completely happy. Now don't get me wrong, i don't mind sharing the kitchen with Him but to me it feels like i should be the one doing it while He is in the living room watching our child and watching tv. Before we moved into the apartment, He even allowed me to buy an apron so that i could wear it for Him while i cook but it still hangs up in the kitchen. Its just weird because in a way its like im jealous maybe that He is cooking and im not, but it makes me wonder if this is normal for someone in our dynamic. Do the other slaves that their Masters cook feel this way? Believe me i don't mind it, but i feel it is something that is my duty as a slave to do and i feel like im not doing my job properly in that He has been cooking. Maybe i need to ask Him and see if it is just that He likes cooking and im not doing anything wrong and maybe we should switch off cooking so we both get to cook or something...ahhh i don't know.
       On the other hand, there is another issue that i have realized too after reading in the same group above that i have going on. It seems that i have been letting things go and unconsciously pushing buttons or forgetting things (not on purpose or intentionally trying to push the limits). There are things that i have done that i know Master would have punished me for before but He has been hesitant on. Just recently we had one night where it left me wanting and DEFINTELY feeling owned, but then it was like we went back to ourselves, well vanilla selves. It just leaves me feeling like sometimes the M/s dynamic of our life gets pushed to the side and i feel that it shouldn't. Coming back from visiting family in the south, i had never felt more slavely (is that a word) in my life when it came to Him. He pushed me and played with me and pushed my buttons. We have had a few nights of this since moving in, but nothing like that ride coming back and the amazing way it made me feel so connected with my lil one self and with Master. Its hard to put into words exactly what im feeling concerning this, but its almost like i feel like we should go back to the root of things and go over the rules and what works for us and doesn't and if some of the rules that we first thought up don't work then change them. That is one thing i have learned is that this lifestyle changes and sometimes you grow and change as a result. Things that worked when we first got together will be different this time around because we have a child and have to be cautious of the people we are around. Now i feel we just need to figure that part out and remember that the lifestyle is who we are (although we are excellent together as a vanilla couple too, but the lifestyle is at the core of who we are because neither me nor Master could function without it in our lives). So now that we have our own place, maybe it is time to sit down again and talk about the rules and what is expected of me and see where that leads and go from there. Who knows, in the future it may need even more tweaking because nothing is ever perfect when it is first started.
      It has been a crazy road for me and nothing has made me happier and feel more loved by Master and more like His slave then when He pushes my boundaries, like He did on the way home from our trip. He knows just how to make me feel secure and loved and like lil one. There are times that i know that i will disappoint Him or upset Him and times that He will need to punish me, but i know that in doing so He is forgiving me and allowing me to clear my slate with Him. One can only hope that things continue to progress for the both of us and i look forward to even more amazing moments as His lil one as we explore things here.
        On a happier note, Master and i are getting ready to delve into the lifestyle and brave out into the world of munches and play parties. It is harder having to ensure schedules match and that our child is taken care of, but we are excited about getting to know people in our area that are kinky and to really explore this side of ourselves because vanilla friends for us just don't cut it because they don't understand our dynamic and it is easier t be around like minded people, especially if i do something wrong and Master gives me the look or something they understand what is going on. It is exciting and to be honest i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited about going to my first ever munch. Not quite sure when it will be yet, but im excited and nervous and just ready to see what it is all about. Believe me i know it is not all about sex and orgies and things like that, but friendship and talk about things and just making friends.
      Well, i guess that is about enough excitement going on in our lives for now. This semester is starting to wind down and im thankful for that, but still gotta make it to the December before im done and get a break until the next load starts. Best wishes and hopefully i can check in tomorrow after talking with Master about these feelings im having.

Odd how things just come to you isnt it?

  

So last night was an amazing night of Master and i just spending time together laying in bed. It's moments like that which make me extremely grateful for everything that we have and being able to lay next to Him every night. Before things were crazy and i often worked so much that for five nights out of the week i wasn't able to cuddle beside Him and i was asleep while He was awake. It just didn't make things very good for us and left little time for play, not including me being sick in between all of that. So naturally last night made me into a really happy lil one.
   Master is always great about rubbing my back as i go to sleep, which makes me feel loved and safe and helps ease my back to let me sleep since its usually slightly irritated from the day. Well last night i drifted off to sleep and before long Master appeared in my dreams. It's not often that this happens, but i think last night that my dream was trying to tell me something and i think i realized what it is. Master and i had a long talk after my last writing to discuss how i was feeling and just all the emotions that i let well up inside me until they burst and then it turns into long discussions with frustrations and tears and hurt and anger and then resolution. We have talked about how there are times where i want Him to take me and then there are times where i am just feeling like i want to cuddle. There is no way for Him to decipher either one and a part of me felt hurt because i couldn't figure out what to say about that. So we decided if it is a night that i only want to cuddle, i have to let Him know otherwise He will be fully prepared to take His lil one if He wants me. This made me happy because now i didn't feel like i was confusing Him and telling Him one thing but my body language was saying another.
    The talk also led to us discussing about my family and i realized that no matter how hard i try, i feel like im stuck in an endless cycle with them. Master made me realize that i am the typical abuse victim and that im staying with them because of some warped since of hope that they will change and because i love them. Granted its a lot more complicated because it is my parents who were the abusers, but it doesn't make it any better for me to continue to allow them to keep going with the abuse. It's weird how Master's family when told the news about the pre-diabetes and high cholesterol that they sat and talked with Him for a good while asking how I was doing. My family answered with the typical half paying attention "uh-huh" or "oh, okay" answers which meant that they didn't really care about it. It wasn't about them so it didn't matter. Its just hard and im still trying to figure out how to come to a place of acceptance where they are still in my lives, but im not allowing them to continue to be that negative source around me. Theres already been enough hurt and heartache in my life that i don't need anymore.
     So all this brings me to the dream that i had last night with Master in it that made me realize something about myself. In the dream there was a part that Master and i went to this place, i don't know where it was, and they knew Master there. The only reason i know this is because they had this thing where if it was your first time there you had to get naked and walk around. Master didn't have to do it because in this dream He had been there before with another girl. Well being the good sport that i am (at least in the dream i was a good sport) i got naked and was walking around. There was a joke though that whoever was new would get naked and then be surprised by getting hosed off by some cold water. It was weird because when it hit me in the dream it wasn't cold and somehow one of the people had a firehouse that was being sprayed at me. Then the rest of the time that we were there (which was a weekend) i was to spend my time naked. It was weird because in my dream i was totally accepting of this situation. In real life, this thought scares me because i am so self conscious of my body and especially my stomach. Right now i am still a little overweight and am working on losing the rest of my baby weight not to mention the stretch marks that are all over my stomach and arms. Those im not too ashamed about because it came from me doing what i had to for our daughter. But i digress back to the dream....it left me completely embracing being a slave and left me feeling free. There was no worry about what other people thought, it was only about Master's opinion and whether or not He approved. He was the one that i was owned by and His opinion was the only one that mattered when it came to things.   

  This leads me to realize that I need to be completely comfortable in my own skin and stop being negative about myself. Master tells me all the time how pretty i am and there are times where i know that i will disagree with Him, but i need to believe that i am pretty. My body is marked because i had His child. My body carried the greatest gift i could ever give Him in addition to my submission, a child. It also made me realize that i need to embrace my submission and stop fighting Him. He has made me realize that my past is coming back up every time that im with Him because im holding back or i swat Him away. There are times where He doesn't mind me being playful, but then there are times where i need to be serious. It has left Him confused because when i want Him to punish me i still fight Him on it for some reason (ask me why and i couldn't tell you to be honest). He has done everything for me and its time that i start giving back to Him like He has given to me. There should be no more fighting (although i know there may be some as i work through this new mind process) and no more pushing Him away when i know that i really want it. We are married and there is nothing wrong about how we have sex or what we do when we have sex. He is in control and im willing to do whatever He asks me to do because i completely trust Him. He has NEVER showed or given me a reason to not trust Him.
      So here is where im going to list my new goals of what i can do for Master and other things that have popped in my head.

              -stop pushing Him away when He is trying to play with His lil one no matter where we are because He wont do anything to put me in danger or to draw a negative look upon either me or Him
              -allow Him to do whatever He wants to with me without complaint or hesitation and embrace it as meaning He cares about me because He is showing me attention and love by playing with His lil one
              -try new things with Him (examples listed above)
                              *take pictures of myself in bondage created by Master
                              *try playing with new toys that we order or create to play with
                              *wear either a plug or the balls we have out somewhere with Master to remind me
                     of my submission to Him
                              *try new bondage with Master
                              *if Master wishes to, allow Him to choose the outfits that i wear when i go out
                     with Him and any accessories and if He chooses no underware to be okay with it
                               *try wearing outfits for play for Master if He wishes
                              *try anything new that Master wants to try
             -wear His collar during play time (get the items needed to make one for us) or the everyday collar (get the items to make this one as well) to remind me of my submission to Him and where my place is
             -start getting into position the nights that i am home when we go into the bedroom and await for Master to tell me what He wants me to do for the rest of the night (whether it is come snuggle with Him or stay there and go over my tasks for Him) and do so naked to remind myself that He is my Master and controls what i do as His slave
            -sleep in only Master's tshirt and/or underware or whatever other outfit He chooses for me to sleep in to again remind me of my submissiveness and if He chooses me to sleep naked, be comfortable with it
           -allow Master to give maintenance spankings without any thought of backtalk, fighting it, or pushing Him away if He mentions it
           -embrace my submission and stop fighting or holding back from Master and give everything to Him
            
            

Need a friend to lean on after this news....

    So today has been a day full of a lot of reflection. It started in my history class with a quote that was put in there. Odd how decades later and Socrates is still teaching through his words. “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” This saying just really hit home with all of the health concerns that I have been facing over the past few years. It reminded me that no matter what is going on with me that i should do the best i can to take care of my body.
    Over the past three years, Master and i have faced a slew of doctor's together from regular doctor to a gastroenterologist and a few other specialists. My symptoms were all over the place and it was hard for the doctors to piece together what was going on with me. There would be test results that would come up abnormal one visit and normal the next or an antibody that would finally pinpoint something turn up positive then the next time it would turn up negative. It was definitely frustrating to say the least to go from doctor to doctor and hear them come up with nothing and then look at me as if it was all in my head. Hearing someone say that it was because i wasn't able to hand things or because i was depressed was just making me start to get that way because nobody could find out what was wrong.
     Just this past week it finally came to where we figured out what was wrong with me. It only took another doctor and a specialist that i should have seen three years ago to finally diagnose me. It turns out what i have is a combination of high cholesterol and im considered to be prediabetic and my pancreas is damaged right now. The high cholesterol is being treated now, but it was mentioned briefly three years ago but for some reason the doctors seemed to only think that telling me would solve it. Having a family history of high cholesterol and already having high cholesterol should have been a red flag, but obviously not. It was allowed to continue on as the blood tests were done and before long, it got to a point of no return. The high cholesterol ended up hurting my pancreas in its own right. For years i have also been having issues with being hypoglycemic until after i got sick. Since i got sick, it has skyrocketed into me being prediabetic. Right now i have to take medicine because my body is no longer recognizing what is or isn't a normal blood sugar. It was definitely scary hearing the word "diabetes" and "impaired glucose", but after meeting with this new doctor it didn't seem so scary after all. The doctor calmed me down by telling me that there is a possibility that i may or may not develop diabetes in the future. It all depends on making changes in my lifestyle about what i eat and adding more exercise in.
     So all this has left me feeling very contemplative about everything in my life and just how i feel about this whole diagnosis. A part of me is accepting of it and i feel that it is definitely a peaceful feeling because there is an answer as to what is going on with me. It sucks that it is a life altering diagnosis, but it makes me all that more thankful for the time that i have. The other part of me is utterly terrified!! Diabetes in today's world is a disease that can sometimes turn into a killer because of the various complications it produces in the human body. This terrifies me because im afraid that something will happen to me and i will leave here early and like Master's father did. His father passed away younger than he should have and it is my fear that i will do the same to Master because of this dreadful thing. Despite the fact that i may not develop it, it still scares me. It scares me for our child and future children. How will this affect them? Did i pass this onto them or is there a chance that they could get it? Will i be there to watch them grow up or will my body say that it is beyond repair and i develop this disease despite the help to prevent it? There are just so many factors that honestly scare me. Plus i hate needles and having to poke myself to give myself any kind of shot during the day and also to check my blood sugar would just kill me. It's so much of a mind trick and i feel like my mind is still slightly trying to wrap itself around the results. There is a huge positive in that we have a diagnosis now, but the downside is the fear of what is to come and whether or not these medicines will work well enough to hold off this major disease.
      Master doesn't quite know that these thoughts well up in me, but they do. There are times that i realize that because of this i have to fight even harder to lose this weight. According to the doctor, i have to lose roughly 40-50 pounds to be considered a healthy weight for my frame and height. Im currently at 188 and it is definitely going to be a struggle, but it is one that i feel has never been more important than now. If i don't make these changes, i could be giving myself my own life sentence and be the reason why i develop full blown diabetes. It is rough and sometimes i feel like emotionally it is draining me because i feel the support system here is super small. It is hard to work to lose weight on your own, even if you have the right motivation. A part of me wants to ask Master to take on the healthy eating that i am because i don't even know what His numbers are and if both of us are eating healthy it will definitely help me. It is just hard because i don't want to seem like a burden to Him and i don't want to seem like im forcing Him into this choice. It's just i wish to have a partner to go through this with and losing weight and just to be happy when we hit milestones of certain weights. It is just hard. IS it mean of me to ask Him to do it with me or should He want to do it with me (not that He doesn't want to do it, its just He likes His food lol)? So i guess my big thing is that my support system is Master and three good friends right now and that is it. Master's family is hit and miss and i feel like i cant rely on them. The bad part is all my friends are spread out and nowhere near her for me to workout with or meet up with for support if im having a bad day. Maybe that's why part of me goes towards the food at night when i feel like the pressures of the day have gotten to me and subconsciously that's my way of handling it. Maybe exercising will help me get back my way of venting and Master will get His lil one back to the way she was before i got sick. This sickness has affected me for so long, im ready to get back to who i was when Master first met me and fell in love with me. My only hope is that i make Him proud through all of this and tha tno matter what happens if things don't change that He knows that i tried my best and that im doing what we can with what ive been given.
     So with that being said, if you're ready this i would love it if you could offer some sort of words of encouragement, advice, tips, tricks, anything would be lovely. Right now my mind is just overwhelmed and i need this more than ever. Anything you offer to me will definitely be read and i will reply back as soon as i can. Again thank you to everyone who reads this blog and im sorry for anyone who is a regular and feels ive dropped off. Its just hard to find out how to deal with this.

Crazy Life Always Getting in the Way

    So lately life has yet again gotten in the way of things and it has left me wondering about a lot. Let me first say that it is nothing about the lifestyle that has gone wrong. Honestly that is the first place where things haven't gone all to hell. Master has been the most amazing man and has done a lot with me in the past few weeks.
    Well it all has started with school and i feel like i have been going crazy. This semester i decided to take on 18 hours and it was definitely something that i am wondering if it was right to do. It is not so much the course load, it is just more about trying to balance the time between working on all my school work and family time with Master and our family. Before when i was in school it wasn't a struggle for me because there was still time for me to work on things and i didn't do anything at work so i used that as time to work on my homework. It is just hard for me and i am definitely struggling with trying to find the right balance of everything. Taking all these hours and then i also have to throw in work to the mix. That is at least 5 to 6 hours average and 4-5 nights a week and add in travel time to and from work and it makes for long days, especially on days that i have classes. So naturally this leaves me struggling and feeling like im neglecting things with Master and the family and not paying enough attention to them. It has left me wondering how to find the balance and how to make sure they don't feel like im neglecting them or not paying enough attention to them. How does someone find the balance between 18 hours of classes, a job of working 5-6 hours, and then homework time as well and then somehow squeeze in time for sleep and U/us time?
      Then to top all this confusion off there is medical issues that have decided to pop up out of the blue again. Recently i have been having feelings like i was going to pass out or getting very shaky. Usually this has been corrected by eating something with sugar and then eating in general. But lately with my job and not being able to take a break to grab a bite to eat, it has been hard. Where i work it gets so busy that i cant just stop work and take a break to eat, even though my body is telling me that it needs food of some sort, without a doctor's official diagnosis. So today i went back for a checkup from last week and the doctor thought that i was hypoglycemic based on my description of my symptoms and told me to check my levels, write them down and keep track when i eat and also anytime i feel shaky or off, and that i could change the way i eat and it may prevent it from developing into diabetes. Now today after going back, it seems things seem bleaker and scarier to me. The doctor told me today that after looking at my numbers im definitely not hypoglycemic. The news that he proceeded to tell me next was even scarier to me. It seemed that based on my lab results that i was close to being diabetic and on top of that he mentioned that because i had such a high triglyceride number my pancreas could have been damaged by it being so high. He mentioned things about diabetes and having "impaired glucose" and how it's not functioning like it should and that is the reason that i am experiencing the symptoms that i am. It is crazy to think that lately i have done everything right (for the most part) since finding out that my triglycerides were that high. It is frustrating to think that it could lead to me having diabetes because of it. Diabetes is very serious and i know like some people say it could be a death sentence. Diabetes affects a lot of things and i know that i definitely want to be around for a long time to come. It has been a crazy day and my mind is still trying to come to the possibility that in the near future i could end up diagnosed with diabetes.

       So other than that, life has been pretty good to me. Master and i are saving to get our own place and as far as the lifestyle is concerned there has been a lot more play and a lot more spice added in. For Master's birthday, i stepped out of my comfort zone and ordered some new toys for Master and i to play with and delve deeper into the lifestyle. It has even been admitted to Him that i want to add to our toybox and get a few more things to play with to make things even more fun than what they already are. He has already had fun with one of His presents and needless to say i think it caused both of us GREAT pleasure. One of His new toys is this magic wand and oh boy is it magic. The other day was my first time playing with it and He teased me for a while with it. That invention is a love hate deal with me because it was so much harder to keep from cumming with it than just having Master play with me with His hands. Then because of me not following His orders, i wasn't allowed to cum so i was left on edge all day. Later that night when Master was ready to play some more, He grabbed the wand for some more fun. The funny part (and slightly embarrassing to admit here) was that when He finally let me cum due to the wand i soaked His part of the bed, floor, and His foot by squirting so much. It was crazy because i never knew that i could do that and it was crazy because i felt so amazing afterwards. Of course i went off into lala land (or subspace as people like to call it) and didn't get to pleasure Master like He should have been pleased. That was the sad part for me, but im glad that i got to fix that the next morning. So anyways, it was interesting trying out our first new toy, i wonder how the next ones will turn out when we get them in the mail tomorrow. These are what i got Master.
       Nipple clamps definitely will be an interesting first for me to try and I wonder if Master will want me to try and wear them under my clothes if we go somewhere just the two of us or if they will be reserved simply for the bedroom only.
    

      This one was a set that i found that i thought would be interesting to buy. It comes with a vibrating butt plug (which would be a first for me wearing at all), mini vibrator, and some pussy balls or kegal balls as they were called. It wasn't a bad price and i am definitely wondering if i will think the same thing when they get here and Master is putting them to good use. When i got the butt plug in the set, i figured it would be an amazing addition to our toy chest because i definitely want to be ready for Master anytime that He decides He wants to use His slaves ass. It will be interesting to wear and i wonder if i will be wearing it outside the house somedays or maybe to a dinner or lunch together with Master holding the remote and me having to keep my composure. The same thoughts could be said about the kegal balls that are in the kit as well.


      This last toy will be a nice addition and im definitely thinking that it will be interesting to be restrained with tape and know that there is no way that i can get out of it. I have never been restrained by tape and it will be a new experience for me that i definitely look forward to and cant wait for Master to try this new toy out on me.

 

 

      So with all of that being said, i am hoping for some more play tonight. Master and i haven't played in a while and He had hinted earlier that there was some fun to be had tonight but im wondering what it will be. He is definitely a Master of playing with my body. A part of me is secretly hoping for some more fun with the wand (even though at the same time i hate how it makes me a moaning puddle of goo) and maybe experiencing being tied down with what we have right now. We have a good bit of ties that could work for us. Either way, i know that He will definitely enjoy playing with His lil one and reminding me that im His slave and to forget the worries of everyday life. 

What is this im feeling?

   Oh wow my other half has decided to rear her ugly head again. Well more so just my ugly emotions but it has me wondering what in the hell is going on with me? Master and i can usually settle whatever is going on between the two of us, but right now that isn't the case and it has me writing trying to figure out why i feel the way im feeling right now.
    When i left for a job interview everything was just fine and peachy. Lately it seems that my emotions have gotten the best of me. Master and i are staying with family so im taking care of not just Him but our child and the other relative too. This relative is not knowledgeable on certain things and doesn't want to inconvenience us by eating our food, but we planned for ALL of us eating. Anyways, it has been hard having to adjust to living in someone else's house and not being able to do things the way that i want to be able to do them. Then there is the whole cleaning up after me (and that is one thing i hate is for people to clean up after me and not give me a chance to do it myself), doing things that i don't want to be done (and this relative is the type that i cant correct them because of the whole respect thing), and not to mention we don't really have our own privacy. Oh and if something happens with our dog we feel bad because it isnt our house that she is accidentally using the bathroom in. So add all that onto an already stressful situation and it is something bound to make anyone go nuts right?
     Then for some reason add into that the whole job situation. It has been so stressful trying to find a job and just getting back on our feet. Today i got news that i finally got a job and i was so happy that we would finally be able to celebrate! Well yeah i got told to think twice because Master is sick so neither one of us can go out to celebrate this big achievement. Don't get me wrong, i completely understand Master getting sick but it is very hard having to deal with something like this. It has left me feeling frustrated at the situation going on here.
      Hopefully i don't seem petty by what im writing, but then again that is why it is a journal for me and anybody reading it is just an added bonus, right? The whole situation is frustrating because of everything that has happened in the past. This is supposed to be a big achievement especially after i was getting turned down left and right for jobs that i should have easily gotten. To me, when i left to go to the interview Master seemed just fine and was capable enough of going out to grab some food. Well, when i told Him i got the job and asked if we could celebrate that was when He told me that He wasn't feeling good and had gotten dizzy while standing up a few minutes before. It shocked me and it left me feeling all kinds of emotions. It was hard trying to figure out how to deal with them.
       Master has always been the most amazing Master and husband for me and still is the best Master and husband to me. When im sick He lets me stay in bed and does everything for me, but it is hard when it is the other way around. He doesn't let me take care of Him and it is hard chasing after a child and taking care of a dog and just everything all at once. Believe me i can do it, but there are some days that i just struggle trying to take care of everything in this house and all four of us. So naturally i got frustrated because Master was sick and i wanted to celebrate, but its not at Him. My feelings are not directed at Him, but somehow they have come out that way.
      When i got home, i distanced myself because i was trying to put my emotions into check and He took it to mean that i was angry at Him and that i was upset with Him because He was sick. There was just no way to communicate this because how i was acting was completely different from what He knew. I had already communicated with a trusted friend, reaching out because i knew that these emotions weren't right and that i wasn't upset with Him so how could i fix it. But distancing myself to try and get these emotions in check was the worst thing for me to do. He took it as me being mad and it made things ten times worse. Now Master feels that im mad at Him about everything because i was just frustrated with everything going on and i don't know how to fix it.
       All i was doing was trying to protect Him and keep Him from thinking that i was upset with Him for being sick when He has no control over when He get sick. Instead i ended up doing worse damage and now i find myself looking for a way out of this situation. This whole thing has made me feel miserable because i screwed yet something else up. Something that was supposed to be a happy day is now overshadowed by my emotions because i couldn't get them in check before coming in the house. It is my fault for screwing up this amazing thing yet again. I can only hope that He will forgive me because i honestly never meant to hurt Him and was trying to figure out a way to fix myself so that i wouldn't come off upset at Him.

What a day....

     So today has definitely been interesting day to say the least. This morning i woke up to Master getting ready to gather the stuff He needed for our child and go in the other room. The child was still asleep so i asked Him to come lay back in bed with me by patting the bed. It was crazy because it was like He read my mind because He was asking me what i wanted. Now part of me did want something, but the other part was perfectly content with cuddling in bed. It has been so long since Master and i have woken up in the same bed together, without one of us having to sprint off to get our child or take care of some need. It was nice to be able to just lay there with Him and snuggle together and enjoy laying in His arms. Although it was short lived, it was still enjoyable nonetheless. It made me feel like today was already starting off on the right foot.
     This morning i will admit that i did want something, but i didn't know how much time we had. Plus i haven't been able to ask Him for sex yet. It is up to Him when i get sex and im very afraid to just come right out and ask for it. He knew my needs but i couldn't tell Him that's what i wanted. Last nights dream was about Him playing with His property, which when i woke up made me want it but i couldn't ask Him. It is something that id like to work on, but this morning leaves me knowing that He reads my mind and knows my every thought and emotions.
     The past few months have been filled with disappointment over job searching. There have been a few that after seeing my resume asked me to come in for an interview but are then shocked because im willing to drive a distance to get there. Then somehow it ends up that they find someone else that is better qualified or seem skeptical that Master and i are willing to relocate for a job. It is not a crazy thought and Master and i really are trying to find a new place to settle down.
     So it has been a rough couple of months and these past few weeks have been even more stressful. There was an offer to start the process for joining a police department, but the first step is just beginning and i have to take a test and do numerous other things before i even get close to a job offer. Plus once that is done there is still the dilemma of having to go to the academy and all that. So that's another couple months until i can even begin to think about starting the process of earning a paycheck. Then there is another job as a dispatcher that i was offered to start the process by taking a test and then it would go from there. Then yesterday i had an interview and it is a job working in a warehouse and keeping track of orders and other things but the guy seemed hesitant to think that i could keep up. He mentioned that he would have to talk to the current assistant and then he would call me and let me know. So far i have heard nothing so i am assuming the worst about that job.
       Master laughed at me yesterday when i came home because i had gotten a job interview, but yet i got right back on the computer and began to apply for more jobs. This morning i was back at it again and He thought it was just crazy that i was applying for so many jobs despite the hope that i would get this job. There is just the thought that until i get a definite yes, i need to keep putting myself out there. Besides that, even if i get a job as like a fast food clerk or something like that i can do that job until i hear back from a police department (which is my ultimate goal to be honest until i finish school).
      He surprised me though with the most special thing to me. It has been so long since i have bought anything for myself, especially new clothes. It just makes me self conscious and i feel bad like im taking away from the family. When i went for the interview yesterday i was dressed up, but i don't have a shirt that there is no question about it business attire (not dress pants and a polo shirt). So Master chose to let me go to the store and pick out one or two shirts for my interviews and possible job (if i got an admin job id need it for my work attire). He saw the ones that i got and it made me feel amazing because after trying them on there were two that i really liked that went with the pants that i already had and could be worn with my jeans as well. Trying them on for Master when i got home, it made me feel so much more like an adult wearing them and that i wasn't dressing so much like a child anymore. It was the most amazing feeling ever and im so glad that He took me shopping and made me get them. (He had to order me to get both shirts because i was only going to get one of them).
      The other part that was surprising for me was the feeling as i was walking around with Him. When Master brought up the topic of going shopping to look for shirts, He told me that i would have to wear either a dress or skirt with no underware and paint my toes. They hadn't been painted in a while and i had been putting off doing them for one reason or another. So i chose to wear a skirt and i went without bra and underware. It was the most freeing feeling and both at the same time made me feel naughty. Knowing that only Master knew that i was naked under my skirt, made me feel so slutty and naughty. Then He played with His slave on the way home in the car and it took all the power in me to hold still when He told me to keep still and keep my legs spread for Him. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. This free feeling is something that i had forgotten since Master and i had first started talking and i came to visit Him for the first time. He had the rule then that i was to wear no underware (unless it was my time of the month) and only under certain circumstances could i wear it. Today made me realize that i was afraid of not wearing underware because of a past experience with my pants rubbing me raw. It is not going to happen this time and i think i may go around as often as i can for Master without underware. Knowing that only He will know that i will have nothing on under there is freeing to me and makes me feel more like His slave. Plus i know that it will make Him happy knowing that im one step closer to always being available for Him. That way if He decides He wants to have me in the middle of the day while our child is napping He can.
        Now im off to snuggle with Him and hopefully get some love and play and lesson time. It has been amazing being taught by Master and seeing how much change is happening in myself. Things that i would normally not have liked before have become a thing of interest. He has spanked me a few times while pleasuring me and it has created a weird mix of pain and pleasure, although i still hate being spanked as a punishment. Master has had me crawl on all fours and before that would have been something that i was against but now i find that if He wants me to do it, i will do it to make Him happy. He has left me wanting to do more things to make Him happy. There are so many toys that i cant wait to buy once we have money to make Him happy.
        (the last comment made me realize that i forgot to mention the one bonus of Master and i moving from where we are at now). The houses in the area that we are looking to move to are not too expensive for what we are looking to get and to top it off we may be able to either have a garage/basement area or a back shed that we can make off limits for just our area. That or have a nice big master bedroom area. Either way the possibilities are endless in what we can do and how much more we can expand. It is going to be so much fun trying to find a place like that because it is part of my dream when we get to find our first house to find something that can provide that while being discreet about it.

Realizations and a little motivation can go a long way!

   So last night was an interesting first for me and i think that it definitely deserves some insight to figure out why i acted like i did and why things went the way that they did. Last night Master gave me a spanking and it was one that i fully deserved for being as messed up as i was acting to Him earlier in the day.
    He had pulled me over His knee last night and was giving me a spanking with His hand. For some reason a part of me fought it and i knew it was what i needed, but the stubborn side in me came out and i fought going over His lap so hard that He had to get me to lay down on the bed. It was then that things just kept going and i found the other side of me coming out that i have no idea who she was. It was like all i could think of was fighting to get away from Him and to ease the pain in my backside. My butt was stinging so badly and all i could think about was easing that pain. So honestly, it was the selfish side in me coming out that wanted to end this pain even though i knew i deserved whatever Master was willing to give me. He told me to lay still while He finished the spanking and that if i moved again i was going to get it with the hairbrush. Try as i could, it hurt so much and after a couple hits, i couldn't help but try to move away from the pain and seek some sort of comfort. All i could do was lay there and try to catch  my breath from crying as i heard Master rummaging around in the bathroom.
      Before long my answer was found in the sting of the hairbrush as it landed on my already stinging backside. What was supposed to be a regular spanking turned out to be this big fiasco and me getting the hairbrush was only the half of it. When the pain gets too unbearable, i tend to put my hands up in defense and even if Master is holding onto them i try to get them loose if possible. It may not take the sting out of the pain in my butt, but it is some mental thing that tells me it does a little bit. After a warning telling me not to put my hands up again, i did it anyway. (Ugh why haven't i learned already that no matter what He is going to get the hits in whether i defend myself or not). He then went and rummaged in the closet and by this point i was definitely working at catching my breath between great gasping sobs and occasional scream into the mattress from the sting of the pain. Master came back with a tie to bind my hands together so that i could no longer block where He was aiming. It hurt like hell the next few hits, but i definitely deserved it for not listening to Master.
      He had me count out ten more hits that were spaced out. It was all i could do to count them out and i think i more gasped them out as i was trying not to scream at the top of my lungs with each hit. It hurt so much, but yet again i realize after the fact that i really did deserve every bit of the spanking He gave me because i had put myself into that situation to begin with. After the spanking, i found myself in the corner with my hands still bound. Standing there, tears streaming down my face, i realized that i had been such a bad lil one and that Master was only spanking me for what i deserved. My butt hurt so bad and i knew that i could reach it, but there was no way at this point that i was going to rub it at all to ease the pain. It would only make things worse and as His slave, i was only allowed to comfort myself once He told me that i could. So many thoughts ran through my head but the one thing was that i had let Master down by not taking my punishment gracefully like i should have as a good slave. Acting the way i had, not only let Him down but it also made me look like a fool.
     Master let me out of the corner and all i could do was cry into His shoulder because i felt so overwhelmed and upset that i had reacted the way i had. Even when i had posted in the journal that i was ready for whatever He would give me, i had done the totally opposite so i felt like i had lied to Him too. It just hurt but to know that He loves me and forgives me is the most amazing thing in the world. He knows my every thought and it was as if He could read my mind because He pulled me close to Him and said that i was forgiven. Hearing those words give me so much peace and solace because it knows that all is okay again.
     So this brings me to the big realization that it took me a day to realize. Last night with the spanking that i got from Master, despite knowing that i had let Him down and acted the way i did, i was still loved and forgiven for the wrongs that i had committed. It is an amazing feeling to know that no matter what happens, once the punishment is over that it is forgiven and everything is back to being like it never happened. To know that you are basically clean as can be. There is just so much love there and i love the way it feels knowing that all is forgiven and the love that Master has for me. The way He holds me and lets me know that all is forgiven and better is just a powerful thing to feel and know. It is weird to think that before i used to try and shy away from anything to do with the lifestyle, but after last night i feel that i am so grateful to be in this loving and amazing relationship like i am with Master. There is so much love and just the bond that the two of us have is so much better than the ones that my friends and their husbands or boyfriends have. It's crazy that most of my friends in the vanilla world complain about their husbands don't listen or they have a lot of rocky points where they don't talk or things are wrong, but i know that i am the luckiest girl in the world because of Master. He has listened to me, stood by me and been there through EVERYTHING, doesn't take any crap from me, loves me both when ive been heavy and when i was the thinnest that He knew me, just it is amazing seeing how deep our relationship is when most others today are barely skin deep.
      He is an amazing Master and last night just reconfirmed it even though it was (in my opinion) one of the worst punishment spankings i have ever received since the time when Master had to punish me for causing Him to worry like He did when i was in training. Last night made me realize just how much He loves me and i only hope that i show Him the same amount of love as He showed me by correcting my behavior last night, no matter how hard i made it for Him. He has truly blessed me and i hope He will always know that.
      Which on a side note, i forgot to post that Master and i were trying on our clothes the other morning and i have so far lost 2 pants sizes. With just changing what we were eating, i went from wearing a size 15/16 to a size 14. The next size down is a 12 which i fit into, but not the way i'd like to into them. It made me look like i had a muffin top, but at the same time i still fit into them without them feeling tight or feeling the button press into me when i was sitting down. Master laughed because i sent the picture of me fitting into the size 12 jeans to my mother and her reaction was that i shouldn't focus on the numbers but focus on what i was doing. To me, i love knowing how far i have come so far. To me, it is more discouraging for me to see a weight number than it is a pant size. To see me drop that much is an amazing feeling and i will not let anyone spoil it. The funny thing though is that my mother also told me that but yet she is the person who has never stuck with a diet plan and ridiculed me for taking the thought of gaining all the weight i could while i was pregnant to ensure that our baby was born at the most weight possible to give the baby the best fighting chance. Her snide remarks were that i wouldn't be able to lose the weight and that based on our family genetics once we gain weight we cant get rid of it and other things like that. To see me drop almost 2 pants sizes in the matter of a couple weeks is an amazing thing to me and the only person's opinion that matters anyways is the one of Master and myself. Although i think on that aspect He would say that the only opinion that matters would be mine, but i like knowing He likes what im doing too. :) He has chosen to stand by me and though i may not be the little thing that He first started dating, i know that i will get back to that weight. It may not be for a little while, but with a little work and determination i will get there. Until then, i plan on measuring my gains on the pants sizes that i lose and not focus on the number of my weight. If i focus on something more measurable, then weight isn't as much of an issue for me.
     My ultimate goal though is to get down to a healthy weight of 125 for my height. When Master and i first met i was slightly overweight, but it wasn't an unhealthy type of overweight. Running, swimming, softball, walking, basically anything that was active was my way of losing weight. It has been a while since i have run since getting sick, but i know i will get back to that level. It is something that takes time and healing and it is not an overnight process like i was expecting in the past. So far Master and i have made changes in our eating habits and glad to say i have kicked the habit of having to have a dr.pepper or dr.thunder or some sort of cola drink, but i have NOT given up my sweet tea. As a southern girl, no matter what diet i go on that will NEVER happen. It just means i have to drink as much water as i do sweet tea. Anyways, now it is time to mix in a little working out and the weight should come off even faster. Master and i have a deal that if i get to my goal weight i can buy a whole new GA outfit and some shoes to go with it. :) It is a deal that i cant pass up and im glad that Master is here to do it with me as well. He is between His 38 and 36 size but i know that with a little more time that He will be fitting into His smaller pants just like i will be back down to my size 4 or 6 in no time. Ahhh life is good!!

Up, down, roll around, upside down, emotions are a pain!

     So last night Master and i had an amazing experience together! Lately the two of us have been taking steps towards changing from a Master/submissive type relationship to a Master/slave relationship. It has definitely been a great change and there is still a good road ahead of us before things to even a normal point of us having a Master/slave relationship.
     In the past week, Master and i have done a lot of research into a Master/slave style relationship to see just how things will change before fully diving into it. To say it is a little change is an extreme understatement. Master loves it when i voice my opinions at times, but there are also times where i am supposed to be the obedient slave and know when to hold my tongue. It hasn't been easy for me because of my natural personality because of how i was raised, but i know that Master is up for the challenge of taming His wild girl. Speaking of which, i feel so horrible for Master after everything that has gone on this week because i think my emotions and feelings have gotten the better of me and how i was raised was really coming out. Growing up, i often had to guard myself against my family and how they treated me. There was a lot of hurt and mean things said and i have gotten so used to putting that guard up that it has been so hard to fully take it down for Master. He has worked so hard to chip away at it piece by piece and slowly it has come away, but there are times i notice that it comes back. He has even made comments that i have gotten irritated and frustrated with Him and said things i shouldn't have said. It is not me and i hate that this evil trait comes out in me when i know that Master has done nothing wrong.
     Sarcasm was a trait that was commonly used around my house so that i never knew what was going on and if something said was true or not because things were always laced with sarcasm. On top of that, i had to shield myself from being hurt all the time by the people who were supposed to love me and accept me for how i was. Growing up i was always not performing well enough for them or i couldn't do this because we didn't have the money (but we could always blow money on going out to eat or my parents would blow money on some gadget or gizmo that we didn't need). Then once i got into adult age, my parents kept telling me that they didn't feel i was performing well enough and it was all about my dad and the changes that he was going through. Everything became about him and i had to constantly bottle up how i felt about things because i didn't want to disappoint anyone and i was expected to always be this perfect little angel. So naturally with Master sometimes these walls come back up and i get this attitude where i have to defend myself and support myself. It was reconfirmed this afternoon when Master told me that He wasn't going anywhere. Hearing those words, i knew He had recognized that those too familiar walls were closing in that He had worked so hard to tear down.
     It is hard for me to communicate how i am feeling sometimes and i really am trying to communicate a lot better with Him. He has always been there and He has always told me to be honest with Him and ALWAYS wants to hear what i have to say and what im thinking. It is hard to erase things that happened all throughout my childhood, but i know that i can do it. He has supported me more than i ever had growing up and has turned the focus on me and how im feeling instead of on himself or someone else. Now that kind of sounds selfish or needy or whatever you want to call it, but it is about wanting things to be about me every once in a while instead of like the major times in my life where it was all about my dad and the issues that he was facing.
    One part of that is where Master has taken how i feel about being a slave and run with it full stride. Before i had confided in Him that i felt that He wasn't as interested in it as i was and that He wasn't researching and getting into things like i was. Turns out He was working on a surprise for me and was starting the list of tasks and the positions that He wanted me to learn. It was a welcome surprise and made me realize even more just how much i love Him. He even gave me a week to learn them and remember the positions, commands for the positions, and the new rules that He is implementing. There was a lot of research that went into this new change because both of us wanting to go into it knowing what we could find out about it all.
      There are 15 positions total, including the two punishment positions, and then having to learn the rules too. Most of the rules are common sense but there are a few new ones that i have to get to know. He also has a new toy that He has tried out a couple times on my butt and let's just say it stings something horrible! It is one of those wooden dowels that you can buy at the craft store and it is smaller which provides a huge sting! Not my best friend by any means, although i don't like getting spanked at all whether its with Master's hand or the stupid cane.
     So last night was an amazing night with Master. The start of it began with me pushing Master (not on purpose i might add) and pushing His hands away from me. He was trying to play with me and let's just say i was a little sensitive down there. For some reason its always been more sensitive since i met Master. He has definitely learned how to play it like a fiddle. He grabbed me and within minutes had me blindfolded and going through a couple of the positions that i was supposed to know. It was hard and i honestly didn't react as fast as i should have, but it will take some time i think. It is hard to reprogram myself to the new slave mode instead of submissive mode. It was the first time that He has had me go through a few of the positions and i got myself into even more trouble. He had me go into one position and as He was playing me like a fiddle, He told me not to move and sad to say i haven't quite learned how to not move yet. It cost me ten strikes with the cane and i had to count every single one of them out for Master. It hurt a good bit, not as bad as those 200 strikes i had when we first got together, but i understand why He did it. His slave needed correction because i had messed up and it needed to be fixed so that i learn not to move when He says not to move.
     Then Master began to fuck His pussy as fast and as hard as He could, making it clear that it was about Him. It was all i could do to hold myself up on my arms, ensuring that i held the punishment standing position for Him until i was told that i could move or He moved me to a new position. He then moved me over to the bed and began to fuck His pussy again as hard as possible and pulling my hair. Oh man did it feel good and i knew that it was mostly for His satisfaction and not about myself at all. He then switched from fucking His pussy to fucking His ass and oh my has it been a little bit since i have felt that sensation. It hurt a little bit going in, but it definitely was such a good kind of hurt feeling by that point. It was an amazing feeling and i felt so good afterwords. The part that pleased me was that during this training Master kept telling me that i was doing good and how i was such a good lil one. It made me feel amazing!
     So needless to say, last night was an amazing feeling for me because it made me realize my place to say the least and that is me definitely feeling like a slave. It also allowed me to experience the cane in a different perspective. So who's to say where things go from here and what other kind of fun Master and i will be having. He definitely is taking me to new places that i have never been before.
      A part of me is wanting to ask Master to forgive me for earlier today when i got frustrated with Him over a mistake that i made with an online application. He had nothing to do with it and all i could see was how He and the baby had pushed me to where i had to leave and not get the things done that i wanted to get done. It was misplaced frustration and anger and it sucked horribly knowing that i had gotten mad at Him when He had done nothing wrong at all. He was just trying to ensure that we all got fed and that the baby was taken care of and all i could see was that i couldn't get into an application anymore to apply for a job that i was thinking would help us out if i could get it. But how do you ask a Master to forgive you other than by writing it or just coming out and saying it? He reads this and i feel bad that sometimes this journal is the only place that i have the courage to say/ask for things but i feel like i can truly say what id like in here and not be afraid of being judged for it. Master knows i love Him so much and there will be one day where i can come out and say what im thinking/feeling to Him. Should i get a punishment spanking? Lose a privilege? Or whatever He can come up with as a way to apologize to Him? Well to me, i can only hope that He will take this apology and decide what He thinks is best for me and if i need a punishment or not for how i reacted to Him. He is such an amazing Master and i feel so blessed to have Him in my life and taking care of me. For now, i am headed to take care of the nighttime routine before the two of us head to bed and i study my slave book for the night. Either way i know that tonight will be another night of learning because Master has promised that we would start training at night and things have died back down for us. So who knows what adventure i will have tonight! :D