Wow....just wow....

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Definitely facing raw emotions and struggle

  If my head full of feelings was able to be translated into words, i feel that i wouldnt even know where to start. For some reason its like this awful monster has taken over my head and my life tonight. There is just no way for me to put into words how i feel. Its confusing and raw and heavy. It feels like its clawing at me and im fighting it, but the harder i fight it the faster it takes over me.

    Master and i have talked numerous times about children and how i feel so worried about whether i will be able to give Him kids or not. He is my whole world and for some odd reason the only thought on my head has been about how i wish to provide Him one of the most important things to me. Everytime the two of U/us have talked He reminds me that its not something that has to happen overnight. Its something that has eaten at me since i got sick because i feel that my health issues have gotten in the way.
    Before i go into more detail i have to say that this next little part is raw and i am not sure what is going to go through my head as i type these next words. The weird though is that i dont feel so focused on the thought of having kids. My head makes it feel like its constantly in my head. TO me i feel that life is so short and with my health concerns, i dont ever know what is going to happen. Before life got hectic for us and i found out how much of a pain in the butt that my family can be, we were facing my health concerns. Things had seemed to stabilize with my health for a short period of time and we were trying for a child. We werent told that we couldnt try and the weird thing was that the first two times we tried, i think i did get pregnant. All the signs and symptoms were there and i felt such a hope and a light feeling that we were going to have a child. I read all about the feelings and what to expect if you were expecting a child. I had the sensitive boobs(not because Master had been playing with them) and i was definitely seeing the skin changes(the darkening of the boobs too) and was thirsty as could be. Being as thirsty as i was definitely changed things for me because i had never been that thirsty in a long time. Growing up, i had always wanted to be a mother. I knew it was one of the most important things to me and to be honest, i wanted to be a stay at home mom and just provide a nice home cooked meal and everything for my husband, whoever He would be. So to finally know that i was pregnant was amazing. Before all these feelings i had been pregnancy tested before because of my other medical symptoms, but never experienced them like i did once i knew i was. Its weird how you can just know, but with everything out of whack at that time, i could tell this was different then the rest of the symptoms.
    So going through everything, i was so happy and thought i was. I began to drink more water and was even taking prenatals just in case(also a suggestion from the obgyn to take them if we were trying to get pregnant at the time). I hadnt really told Master either time because i wasnt for sure if i really was. It was about two weeks after i thought i got pregnant and probably about a week after noticing the extremely sensitive boobs and the extreme thirst that i had the description of implantation bleeding. In the beginning it did just like what everyone said it would do. The bleeding was extremely light and it was like that for two days or so. Then it got really weird. The first time our dog pounced on my stomach. The bleeding had almost ended and it seemed that she had jump started it somehow. I began to bleed heavy and dark blood. It looked almost like my normal period minus the tissue coming out. So i thought maybe it would do that for a day or two and then go away. A few hours later, i passed a massive blood clot that was the size of about a quarter. After passing the clot, the bleeding eased up and completely stopped. It seemed that my mind couldnt comprehend what had happened. It was like i knew that i was pregnant, but even after that i didnt test positive when i tried a pregnancy test. It was like i was in shock and disbelief and when i went and sat down with Master He  knew immediately that something was wrong. Choking on my words, i told Him that i wasnt sure, but i had thought that i had had a miscarriage. Bawling i cried and sobbed into His arms trying to find sense in everything. To me, i knew i was pregnant and i had been messing around with our dog. All the what ifs went through my head and i wondered if her doing that and me climbing all the stairs and everything made it that much worse on me and made me lose the baby or made it just too hard for that embryo to implant. He was a true Master and just comforted me as best as He could because He was at a loss. He couldnt tell me if i had a miscarriage or not because He hadnt seen the clot, but somehow in my heart i knew that i had probably had one no matter what anyone else said.
    Master calmed me down and got me to where i wasnt crying as much and explained that i shouldnt cry. It was not O/our time to be pregnant and that maybe God felt that it wasnt time for U/us to have a child just yet and that we could always try again. To me this seemed fun because it meant way more sex and way more making sure that Master was pleased. I think honestly that being away from Him for six months made me into a sexual maniac, but you wont catch me openly admitting that. Anyways, i sighed and wiped my tears and realized that He was right. Maybe this just wasnt our time to have a child and that W/we could try again. Somehow we tried again and about two months after the first time i found the feelings coming back a short time later. I could feel that i was pregnant again. I saw my boobs changing again and saw that i was even thirstier then last time and that i just knew it had to work this time. When i got those feelings, i made sure to not let our dog anywhere near my stomach and i was just working as easy as i could to make sure it stuck when the implantation bleeding started. Stubborn me had a lot of work to do from cleaning the dishes and other things around the house, so needless to say i wore myself out the last couple days of the bleeding and made it start worse. This time there was dark bleeding, still no tissue coming out until i got up from the toilet. All i could see was this huge clot and i began to panic. It wasnt happening again to me. There was no way!! I had done everything possible to make sure it stuck. The doggie wasnt jumping on my stomach and i was taking it as light as i could without being a total couch potato. The clot passed anyway and it was about the size of a quarter again. This time it wasnt just one, there were two clots and then the bleeding just magically stopped. It was like the clot was some magic drain stopper or something. I was heart broken.
    The one thing that i could do for Master and i was screwing it up. This happened not once but TWICE. I felt like i had done something wrong when i could have controlled something. There was just raw emotion and hurt and i dont know what else there. Its weird because im sure some people would say that i was never pregnant because the embryo didnt implant so theres no way i was pregnant and thats why my tests were negative, but i know my body and i know what i felt. I WAS pregnant then.
    Master has comforted me numerous times when i get these thoughts in my head but it is so hard to see everyone out walking around and having kids left and right. We were told not even a month after trying the second time not to try at getting pregnant anymore because it would complicate the doctor's attempt to treat whatever was going on with me. It was heart breaking to be told that you cant do what everyone else around you is able to do like rabbits. It seemed that people who had no intention of getting pregnant were getting pregnant and just the people who dont need any kind of kids are having kids and it makes me sad to be honest. Here we were trying and nothing could result from it, but these people were doing it with little effort. Granted i dont know their stories completely, but thats just what it looks like to a lot of them.
    There is no way that i can even begin to describe this urge that i have in me and sometimes it is so overpowering that i dont even know how to control it. There is no way that it is the number one thing on my mind, but its like there is such a strong need for us to have a child. I can see it in Master's eyes when He smiles at His niece or laughs at the little kid laughing on the tv. He loves little babies and little ones and i can tell that He would be an amazing dad, but for some reason i cant do that. Our attempts have showed nothing and even then my health has gotten in the middle of it. Right now, i am able to get pregnant because the doctor decided not to keep pursuing the rounds of tests because he felt that he wanted to give me the ability to have a child and going through anymore raditation would just put me at much worse of a risk for not having children.
    So after all this rambling about the past, i have to say that today has caught me off guard. Maybe its because i keep seeing people coming in with their babies and i just found out that one of my friends is pregnant and due in July. I mean how do you fight this feeling that is so strong that it threatens to overwhelm me? No matter what i do, i cant hide the fact that i so badly want a child that it hurt so bad that i lost the two that we possibly could have had. It was my job to protect them and i couldnt even do that. Its hard to explain to Master why im sad when i read the news that friends are pregnant. To be honest, im a mixture of sad and happy. Im happy for them that they get to experience that little bundle of joy and that happiness that only comes with seeing that innocent child smile at you and know that you're their whole world. Nothing could be better in my eyes. The sadness comes with knowing that i have yet to be able to experience it and at this point we arent sure that i will be able to. We are trying right now to get pregnant. Well not trying, but its a matter of if it happens it happens.
    My heart breaks because i dont even know how to put into words for Master how i am feeling. How do you explain all the turmoil that i mentioned above that is rolling around in my head and i feel it threatening me every so often? How do you explain that sometimes i just need to be pulled in tight and told that you love me and that it is beyond my control? He has told me that before, but for some reason it hasnt stuck(insert lovely family life story here because i have a feeling that takes a part in it). Maybe one day we will have a child to call our own, but until then i have a feeling that i will struggle with these feelings every so often. Maybe i can get a radar to sense this rolling tide so that i can take cover in Master's arms and hope it just passes by. Until then i have to hope that He understand just how hard it is for me to go through this and not know how to describe it to Him while hoping that He doesnt think He did anything wrong in the situation. He is my whole world and i dont want to ever do anything to lose Him and i feel if i keep letting this baby thing get to me that He's going to crack from my constant need to have a child even if it is from an indescribable itch. But thats where im wrong because He is strong enough to stay. He's shown me numerous times before that He will stay, now its time for me to really get that through my head that no matter what He wont run and hide from whatever demons im facing.

A nice convo and understanding!

Last night Me and lil one had a very nice conversation about how she has been feeling. Without going into too much detail due to personal reasons, in My opinion, W/we came to very good understanding and now W/we are heading down a great path TOGETHER. I can't believe that O/our wedding anniversary is right around the corner. W/we will have been together for one year. I know its not a long time as some of the other subs and Doms have been together but I wouldnt change it for the world.

This weekend is going to be a great weekend cause Me and lil one are heading to a college football game again but this time it is at home! I know that I am really excited for lil one to experience the amazingness of being surounded by 92,000 of your closest friends. I have a suprise for lil one and I hope that she likes it and maybe writes about it on the next blog.

Friendship and some of a famous song feeling...

   Lately i have been feeling like the lines from Miranda Lambert's song below. My head and body have been so confused and i dont know what to make of anything anymore. All i know is i definitely need a better support system than what i have. I need a support system that isnt one sided(my Master's family). I need to have my own support system that will be there for me when i need it and not tell me lies or call into question my emotions.
"You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this ol world and forgot who i am
I thought if i could touch this place or feel it this brokeness in me might start healing,
Out here its like im someone else, i thought that maybe i could find myself
If i could walk around i swear ill leave with nothing but a memory from the house that built me...."

   So these past few days i have realized that i feel somewhat lost with who i am. Reaching out to Master in the last post was comforting because it helped me realize part of the problem. Part of the problem was that i felt this sickness was taking over who i am. After realzing this, i felt the past few days that i dont know who i am anymore. Its a weird description because i do know who i am, but its like i go back to work and im reminded of what im not.
    Today i was working as an extra for a disaster preparedness event that was small scale. It said that they needed volunteers to serve as a moulage victim for the event. The weird thing was i was feeling even more left out then before because everyone else could carry their gear and was able to wear chem gear and things of that nature. To me, i felt broken because i wasnt able to do things like everyone else. It made me feel like the odd person out, kind of like "one thing is not like the other" type deal. Master always tells me that i can do what im able to do and that i shouldnt worry about what other people think, but to me thats just not who i am. I do care about people think and it does matter that im the oddball out.
    For some odd reason, ive always been about having friends around and it makes this feeling going away, but seeing as i dont really have many friends around it makes it hard to get used to this new place. Master has friends that live close enough they could drive an hour and come to see Him, but i dont have that luxury. I think this is where i identify with the line in Miranda's song that talks about "you leave home, you move on and you do the best you can". To me, im struggling and not doing the best that i can. Master and i are living an amazing life, but i feel theres more support from His side and i need to make friends of my own too. Its just awkward when He's talking with His friends because im that awkward third wheel.
    Is it normal to go through phases where you feel that you have no friends around you? I  have tried looking for friends around me that are into the lifestyle, but the only person ive spoken with that i could meet with is one person. To me, i need a couple friends that i can spend time with that know how things are and are close. Either that or someone to text and talk to about things going on and how crazy my day has been that understands. My job isnt one that i can talk about to just anyone. I have to trust whoever i become friends with way better than anyone else, because if something happens they turn on me, it could cost me my job or even worse things. But back to my rant, i really want some friends that i can just go unwind with and be a normal person but also have the lifestyle aspect understood as well. No normal person is going to understand how i have to check in with Master when i get to places or how if He says no, it means no i cant do it and not give me crap about how im whipped and im the one making the money so i should have the say type thing.
     I guess part of this post is an effort to reach out to those who read my blog, even those who have just started. Im looking for friends to email and keep in touch with outside of the blogworld because i feel like i dont have anyone here with me other than Master and 1-2 close friends. Feel free to shoot me and email at hislilone23@gmail because i'd love to chat with other people and know that im not alone. (Please no creepy stalker type emails though)
    Seeing that a big part of my emotional rollar coaster has to do with friends and family, i am making a resolution that things are going to change. I will reach out to make friends and get out of my comfort level to attempt a connection. The family i may not be able to change, but it is time that i stop trying to fix everything with them and let them be the ones to put their hand forward to try and mend things because im done being the person in the middle. It is time that i make that part of her song above true. Im going to move on and do the best that i can when it comes to making friends and just being the best person that i can regardless of the fact that im told that im broken because i know im not broken, just sick with who knows what yet.

Master please help me....Warning raw emotions ahead

****Before You read this please know i love You and hope to always make You proud. There is a feeling in me that i need to ask You for help. After You read what follows i hope You will see im ready to start trying to get back to U/us. The couple whoe explored every intimate detail of eacch other every night regardless of how tired we were. I miss that connection...baby remind me please. Lastly i hope You wont be upset with me after You read how i feel. I only hope it doesnt add to what You need to tell me. ******
The disappointment is eating at me and i feel like things arre spiraling out of my reach. There are things i feel im limiting myself on because im afraid of the unknown. Im afraid to hurt more than i do now, but also afraid of the loss and what could happen.
It seems since ive been sick that ive let it consume me. My thoughts make me feel like ive lost every part of me. Its been hidden by the headaches, side pains, and dizziness. You tell me how You have caught glimpses of the old me. Somewhere inside of me i feel my old self clawing to get out. How do i claw away the bricks that have been put up by the sickness? How do i get back to being me? Most importantly how do i get back to being Your lil one?
As much as i moan and whine, i really need there to be an U/us again. Its not that there isnt, but i feel when it comes to the lifestyle there isnt a Master and His lil one but more just me and You. Our life has been put on hold due to whatever is going on with my body. Its caused You to want to treat me a little more delicate and that is my struggle. Ive never been a person to be treated like fine china, but i feel thats what it has become.
Its not You at all. You have done nothing but keep my best interest at heart. You want to keep me from aggravating my conditions and making it worse, while also still wanting to maintain control over Your lil one. My heart is in it to be Yours, but somehow my body betrays me. I say no when i really mean yes. My mind craves the lifestyle and my body desperately needs the lifestyle. Its the only thing that has remained steady in my lifee(other than You of course). Your power and dominance calm me and often give me a peace that everything else cant give me. Your correcting me when i need it is soothing because i know You will aalways be there and that even if im sick im still held accountable for everything i do and say. Being sick is just a condition and doesnt change the fact that You are Master and im lil one. You control me, make the rules, and have the final say in everything.
My sickness has made me lose a lot of things in my opinion. It has caused me to gain weight to where i cant wear my old clothes. Its a huge disappointment to me because i feel gaining the weight let You down somehow. You didnt have the same skinny lil one that You had when i met You and when i came home from training. You say You love me and think im pretty no matter what, but i dont feel that way. I hate how ive gotten bigger and feel my body looks ugly.
Ive also had to sit and watch while everyone around U/us is getting pregnant and preparing for their first child. It is so heart breaking to me that i cant do thaf one thing for You because of not knowing whats wrong with me. Its my one wish to provide You with children. Its just sad not knowing what is going on and not knowing if it would harm the unborn child or not.
The only other part is i feel like i cant be active or play the sports i want to. Not knowing what makes my sympttoms get worse or bettr and having physically limiting problems make it hard. There is no outlet for all my frustrations, anger, sadness and any other feeling. I feel like ive lost who i am and who i was. All thats left is a girl who cant really do any activity, partially out of fear and partially due to the pain.
Please help me to start holding myself accountable and get back to at least a part of being myself. My job makes things harder and i dont want things between U/us to be hard too. Its not U/us and i dont ever want it to ever be. There are times where i feel bad, but its not bad enough to be let off from a correction or punishment. Lately it has been that ive gotten away with breaking rules or saying things i shouldnt. Its nothing against You because i know that You have nothing but my best interest at heart. I want to thank You for that. That shows that You really do care for me. My mind is ready and body feels ready. Its time for me to get back to being lil one. Its not a want, it most definitely is a need now to have that connection. I need You to punish me when the laundry isnt done or when i mouth off. Please help me to get back to being me and reclaim at least some sort of myself back. Help push me when i feel i cant go anymore (the diet i failed after a week is an example)
You are my heart and soul and i would do anything in the world for You. You complete me in ways that i couldnt even begin to describe. My heart melts when You pull me close and wipe my tears away or rub my back when it is as tight as could be. It is my hope that You know now and forever how important You are to me and i dont know what i would do if i eever lost You.. You are my heart and soul and i will always belong to You.
Im asking You please lets get back to the U/us we were bwfore i left for the military. Dont let me lose myself because im afraid im going down that road. There are days i will be hurting, there are days where i will be almost back to normal, and then days where im in between. You see me better than i can see myself. Dont let me trick You into thinking im sicker than what You see me as. Make me be accountable for myyself. Please make me get my chores done or cook dinner. If You want something, please do it. I hate knowing thhat You want me, but i fall asleep. Yes i may be tired, but there is always rime for You. You deserve to be satisfied and happy and to be sexually satisfied as well. There shouldnt be a way for me to say no to You.
This is my confession to You because i dont want things to get to where You dont love me, i lose myself, or even both of these. I dont evver want to lose You because that would kill me. I may not be able to fix work, but i can fix U/us. It is hard, but i nedd to change myself. It will make U/us better and i feel will reinstate that submissive in me tthat i feel has been buried so deep down inside. I love You and i nedd You to help get me back.

Happy LOL Day!!!!

Well today is Love our Lurkers Day and I have to say as lil one's Master that W/we are excited and thankful for all the people who come to read this blog. W/we don't get too many comments from people but W/we love everyone that reads this blog. I believe lil one started this blog as a way to express her feelings and to have a place to vent and also to get to know other people that are in this lifestyle. As most of yall know this lifestyle is not put out there for most people to see so it is great to interact with the people that also have the same thoughts and style as yourself.

I am actually shocked at how many people do read the blog. I know that lil one likes to here from different people. It is also amazing how read what Doms and subs do going through their days and how W/we in a strange way go through the same things and how each person deals with those things in their own way. It is really cool how reading that one sub is preggo and feeling that joy for her after trying so many times to get preggo. Also reading the trials that some subs go through and laughing because I know My lil one goes through those trials too.

Once again thank you to everyone that reads this blog and leaves comments and to the ones that don't leave comments thank you also for exploring O/our little world in the internet. I hope everyone continues to enjoy O/our adventures and I know W/we will continue to enjoy reading everyone elses blogs.

A Football Game Date for U/us

   So today has been a wonderful day that I just cant get enough of. Its days like today that i am just so thankful for having a wonderful Master like i do. He is truly amazing and i love Him more and more every day.
   Yesterday Master and i had somewhat of a date day. We woke up early to leave early for our football game. Master and i were lucky enough to win tickets to go to the GA vs FL game yesterday that was held in Jacksonville. This event is in such high demand that tickets are sold at least a year in advance, possibly longer. We were lucky enough to receive tickets that someone had donated for a certain group. These seats were amazing, but before i start about that i need to tell you about the day.
   Master and i woke up about 7am to make sure we got down to Jacksonville in enough time to get good parking. He was getting ready and i had so much fun cooking Him breakfast. He had scrambled eggs and biscuits while i had oatmeal and a biscuit. It was so much fun cooking for Him and knowing that He was going to have a good meal before we left. We left with our lunch packed and snacks for the drive down because needless to say we were pressed for money to make it down there and to be able to drive back. Thankfully, our prayers were answered and we were able to get a little bit of money by taking unused items back to walmart to get us a little bit extra money(speaking of...is anybody in need of a George Foreman grill for two?? Its been used twice and has everything and is nice and clean and back in its original packing)
    The drive down to Jacksonville to the game was amazing. My body wasnt tired at all and i couldnt tell that my back was hurting me. Everything seemed fine. It was a little chilly, but as we got closer and closer the sun started to come out. We got to the stadium and enjoyed our home brought lunch of pb &j. Master loved it and we both went to check out the river and then headed to our seats. We sat in the second deck and had excellent seats. It was my first ever college football game and i couldnt wait to enjoy it with Master. He had always talked about taking me to a college game and my first happened to be one of the biggest rivalries in the south. It was an amazing game and i loved every minute of it.
   The bad thing about the game was we had to walk about 15 minutes to get to the stadium. To be honest, i didnt have any kind of problem with walking to the stadium. My body on the other hand protested a little bit. We had to stop on the way for me to rest before things got too bad. We mad and went in and walked up the ramp to our seats. The seats were at an amazing position and we sat until the game started. Part way through the first half, i realized my body wasnt liking what was going on. I was a little hot and my back was starting to throb horribly. Added to that, my chest started hurting and it wasnt something that i could ignore. Try as i might, it seemed my symptoms werent going to let me ignore them. I put them aside though because there was no way i was asking Master to leave this game because i was feeling bad. Yes, i did have my medicine but i couldnt take it and there was no way that i was going to pay 7 dollars for a drink that would be gone in 2 minutes. It wasnt worth it in my eyes. He knew something was wrong, but i kept promising Him i was okay.
   To Master, this was like the greatest gift for Him. He has done nothing but be there for me and now that He was able to go to one of the games that were one of His dreams, i wasnt going to ruin it. I was going to hold out no longer what it meant because i was definitely not ruining this day for Him. As the second half wore on, i cheered on and on and threw my hands up in frustration when they did bad but my back got worse. I could feel it swelling and it hurt a good bit, but it was enough to where i could swallow it. I was sucking it up for Him. I lasted out until the fourth quarter. They took the lead and was blocking well when i suggested we leave. There was about 10 minutes left so i hoped that we would keep the edge over FL. Walking back to the car that night, my back was on fire and my knee had started hurting and it was like i was walking a marathon or something. I had to focus on my breathing and everything. It was wonderful though because He was so supportive of everything and asked me if  i needed to stop and just took care of me. He really makes my heart melt at how sensitive He can be when it comes to taking care of me when im sick.
    We made it back to the car and boy were we exhausted. We had been up since 7am and now had a long drive back to our home. It was about a 4 hour drive, but it was still a long drive since it was already almost 8 at night when we left. We stopped for food and talked about all sorts of things. I took a pain killer when we stopped for food, so when we got home i felt like a mac truck had hit me. The effects of the pain killer were clearly kicking in and i felt that my whole body was just doing whatever. There was no thought process as to what i was doing and all i knew was that i wanted to sleep so badly. Master had me ice my back for a little bit, but to be honest it did nothing to help it.
I passed out and woke up around one today.
    The day to me was a day of just relaxing and laying with Master in our bed and watching all sorts of movies on tv. It was nice to just lay down and do nothing. I loved it because its not very often that i get to just lay around and do nothing. So i definitely enjoyed it. Yesterday makes me feel bad thinking about it though because Master didnt get to see the last part of the game. He wanted to leave because He left it up to me and my choice. I knew that i wouldnt be able to stand the walk back with all those people that were going to be trying to get out at the same time. It would just make things worse with my back. I only hope that it didnt make it bad that He had to keep checking on me during the game.
    Master and i have started to realize that i am getting back to what we were before i got sick. We arent going to fully be back to us until they can figure out what is really wrong with me or i just get better, but i relish in the moments when i can just lay with Him and be myself. He loves me being lil one and i love when i can show my submission by cooking for Him and doing laundry and things like that. So i can only hope that i can continue being His good lil one and keep getting spanked or punished when i screw up. Which is weird because i dont think ive screwed up lately, but i know whenever i do Master will be there to guide me when i go wrong. Until then, its just us.
    Although i cant wait to get back to using our toys and see what more pleasures each of them can bring. (Whole new post that i forgot to talk about i think----my first endeavor into a sex toy shop). Master hasnt used them a lot lately and i kind of miss them and miss Him. Although that is mostly due to mother nature....so hopefully the future is filled with a lot more of pleasing Master. Im craving right now pleasing Him and just feeling Him screw me until my brains fall out or i experience that bliss of subspace. I guess i can ask Him for a session, im not sure. Im sure He knows how im feeling though since He is so intune with me, but i know a lot of times i have to explain myself as well. He cant completely read minds. So i guess i will talk with Him and try to figure out words to explain how much i really need Him to just take me and play with me and push my buttons and leave me begging for more and just screw me until i think my brains will fall out. Is there such a thing as that much of a need being met?? Well i guess i will find out. Wish me luck.

Why our lifestyle has taken a backseat!

I don't usually write on this blog or any blog for that matter, but I felt that I had to put into words how our relationship in the lifestyle has changed. As all who read this blog may know, My lil one has been dealing with medical issues and that has changed how W/we partake in this lifestyle. As a medical professional it is hard for Me to watch her suffer and not have any answers for why she is suffering. My medical training kicked in when she started to have these problems and the first thing that I wanted to do was make sure she was taken care of. It may not be how our Doms thinkk or act but I dont pretend to be anyone else except Me. As she has said plenty of times in this blog, I take precautions against anything that may effect her in a negative way as to not cause the situation to get worse. I have seen that she has gotten better but it is a day by day process.

What I have started to notice is that she sometimes uses the sickness to have a bratty or rebelious nature. W/we have played a few times this month but not as often as W/we did before. I have also seen that she is coming back to herself. she doesnt believe it because she is still feeling the symptoms but I can see the glow that she has in her face that she had when W/we first met. I know her biggest fear is losing Me but I try to reassure her that I have been here since the beginning and I will be here till the end. she has taken it upon on herself to revamp the rules and also to get back in school. I love that she is going back to school and trying to better herself. she is WAY over qualified for the job that she is doing now. I am also going back to school to better Myself. I know it is going to be hard for her to try to concentrate on doing a good job at work and also passing her classes but she is a very bright girl and I know she can do it.




she also started to venture out into the lifestyle to try to find more submissive friends that live closer to us so she can bounce ideas off of and also to try and not have to explain why she has to check in with Me when she goes out. I know that most of the submissive can understand that it is hard to try to have friends that dont understand the lifestyle that W/we chose. Even O/our families dont know about the lifestyle that W/we have chosen to live. Im not sure if My family would understand it or not but I sure dont want to have that conversation.

Well Im not found of reading long winded blogs but I love to read all of the submissive blogs that My lil one is following. I love to here the input that the lifestyle has on different people and how there masters or daddies handle it. I am thankful that she has a place to put her thoughts and also things she needs to write to get off her chest. I know W/we will over come whatever is happening because W/we have already been through so much. I know she is My lil one and that she will always be My lil one. I think I need to figure out how to make a poll to put on the blog. Yall have a great day and come back now ya hear! (yes I am a country man) :D

Some new thoughts for a hopefully strengthened lil one

   Last night was an interesting night, but one well needed after the way i have been acting towards Master. The two of us cuddled and talked about various issues that were going on with me that i had mentioned in my blog post last night. To even begin to describe it, i have to really think of how to put into words everything that was running through my heads and the emotions last night. Last night was the first time in a while that i have been raw emotionally and opened myself up to Master about how run down i was feeling.
   Master has always told me that no matter what He always loves me and that nothing will ever change that. After coming clean with how i felt last night, i have to admit that i had put my heart on a shelf for alittle bit wondering if He was going to think that i had changed so much that He would want to leave me. Master reassured me though that this would never happen. There was nothing i could do to change how much He loves me whether in the vanilla lifestyle or in this lifestyle that we chose to live. Master pulled me close and stroked my head, another reassuring factor for me when He does this, and told me that no matter what my fears were, they had no foundation whatsoever. He would stand by me through thick and thin, even when my mind was wishy washy.
   Last night it felt as if i was having to become rebellious to get that form of release in a spanking that i so desperately craved from Master. My luck though left me hanging because i wasnt going to receive the spanking that i hoped to get from my bratty attitude and just plain rebellious nature. Master talked to me about my attitude and made me realize that He knows i want us to be 24/7 but my rebellious side and nature make it so much harder for Him to make things 24/7 when i gripe and complain about various things or stomp my feet. Somehow being sick i felt like i had become disconnected, but it was really me sabotaging myself. To put things in perspective, i read a lot of BDSM stories growing up once i found that i was into the lifestyle. The stories and various articles i read made comments about how you arent supposed to make things easy for the Dom or Master because then it just seems like you are a complete doormat and they dont want that. So in essence, i let my rebellious side loose because i thought it was what He wanted. Turns out, this wasnt what Master wanted at all. He does want a little bit of rebellion now and then because it makes things interesting, but He doesnt want me to fight Him tooth and nail over every little thing. A comment was made to Master about how i felt that i had to be the southern girl that let my rebellious side out, but He countered back that a true southern girl knows when to listen and obey without question.
   So in light of the discussion that Master and i had last night, i have a feeling that i am in for a good spanking (or at least i hope so) for all the past brattiness that i have showed. It also showed me that i have been doing nothing but following what other people think and that is over starting today. In the past i was questioning myself and trying to blend my submissive personality while also trying to hold a foot in a predominantly male career field. It's very hard and i was being told to take note and follow what some of my male coworkers were talking about with their partners. The odd thing is, Master and i havent really had a disagreement persay, more a misunderstanding or miscommunication, but compared to the men i work with we are way better in our reactions. Both Master and i think this is because our relationship dynamic has levels of trust that go way deeper and the connection is way deeper because of all that is involved with living our type of lifestyle. If you dont trust the partner you are with, then you are putting yourself in grave danger everytime you let them choke you or spank you until you hit that nice fuzzy place. It is up to me to realize that i dont need to pay as much attention as i have been to what everyone else has been saying because it is causing me to sabotage what myself and Master have. I dont want to do that anymore and it is time for a new change.
   The other change that i have decided to make is also that i will be changing how much or how badly i rebel on things. Naturally i am stubborn by nature so i cant honestly say that i am going to completely quit doing it because that is impossible for me. It is almost like saying im going to take away the very air that i breath. It just cant happen. I think though that i am going to do a rules revamp and i am going to actually create a book just for me. Personally, i think this book is going to be a reminder to me of the various things that i need to keep track of in my own head from my rules, to things Master likes, to just random tidbits that pop in my head. But back to the topic i started this point about, i want to quit being so stubborn headed. Master may not have to punish me as often but i wonder if we can start maintenance spankings every week. These help to keep me from going insane and losing my head after all the stresses that i have to deal with at work. With knowing id be getting these at some point, i think id definitely feel more and more submissive and like myself.
   Feeling like myself is one of the major points that im looking for and i want to go back to being lil one. Lately i have done nothing but make excuses as to why i dont feel like myself when i realized i just have to change a few things and i could still be myself with only a few minor limitations. So today i decide that im going to stop being so rebellious and id like for Master and i to go back to things being 24/7 but not exactly with Him micromanaging me. I know that micro-managing is tiresome and takes a lot out of a Dom and i dont expect Him to dictate what i wear, who i hang out with, and things like that but id like for Him to exert His control as much as possible because it is my reassuring factor. Knowing that if i do something wrong there is consequences or that if i dont keep track of my food journal that Master will take care of me and deal a punishment that fits the crime. I may not be back to my perfect health, but i can get back to how things were with us in the lifestyle. I crave more activity every night as well as knowing that im giving Master pleasure. We bought new toys and im anxious to put them to good use. The naughty little girl in me cant wait to try these out and allow them to be very well used. There's a gag that hasnt been tried out, rope yet to be used, and another vibrator that im wondering how it would feel. Oh well, i guess time will tell because im not going to pressure Master into anything. It is up to Him when and how things happen. Too long i have struggled with trying to overpower Him and rebel against Him, but that time is over. Now its time for me to be that good lil southern girl that listens and does what she's told(although every now and then rebellion may come out).

Formspring

   I just wanted to put a note in here letting everyone know that i have a formspring account now. Feel free to ask me any questions. It's on the right hand side of my blog. Ill try to answer them as they come and hopefully i can get more and more into it.