Warning...dangerously emotional material ahead...read at own risk!!!

    So tomorrow is going to be an interesting day for sure. It's not one that i am 100% sure that i am ready for, but in the long run i know it will be better for me and peanut in the long run as well as Master. He is completely on board and told me the decision to go ahead is on me because He doesnt want to tell me one way or the other what to do concerning this major issue because it is about my healing.
    Tomorrow is a big step for me because i am going to be starting to work on bettering myself and getting to a point where my past doesnt affect me as much as it seems to do every so often. It is hard for me to admit and a part of me is not sure how it will go because i have to be cautious in the little details that i tell the counselor tomorrow for the safety of my job and my life because it is not advisable for the lifestyle and military to mix at all, especially with the military's view on how it could be considered abuse.
    Anyways, i guess im kind of scared about tomorrow. This is a demon that im getting ready to face that i havent brought out into the open since i was in training for my job. Even then, it didnt fully come out but it was more that i was reminded of the assault i experienced. To be a victim of it not once, but twice is excruciating to me and there are times that i question myself and whether i really did everything that i could have. To me, its scary to face this demon that i have tried so hard to bury and just move on from, but there are times where it still rears its ugly head at me and a lot of them happen to be the most inopportune time.


****this is the hardest thing for me to admit and in writing this, i am writing it more for myself to brace myself for bringing it up in therapy tomorrow. For anyone that has gotten this far, proceed at your own risk with the rest because it is very brutal and is somewhat raw at times. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone****

    When i first got into the lifestyle i researched a lot and one of the things i found mentioned the safety measures. It talked about having a friend that knew you were into the lifestyle and knew who you were going to meet and the information about them as well as how long you were going to be gone and things of that nature to ensure that as a submissive you remained safe. Now by no means am i saying that it cant apply to Doms either, but usually it applies to submissives and slaves because 9 times out of 10 we are the ones that get pushed this way or that. Anyways, i knew about the safety measures and after already being a victim of a sexual assault outside of the lifestyle the year before, i knew to make sure that someone knew where i was going and who i was meeting and that id call them if anything happened. At the time, i felt that i had done everything right that i should have done. This guy on fetlife messaged me and we had talked for a few weeks. He was interesting enough that i decided to meet up with him and see about at least making a new friend in the lifestyle. Through all of his messages there wasnt anything that spoke out to me that told me that he was going to do what he would do later that night. He seemed like a decent guy and to top it off, he was a police officer that had moved into the area and was looking to meet new people, especially ones in the lifestyle.
    We met up and things seemed to be going alright. We met in a public place and i made sure to park away and met him in front of the counter to buy tickets. It seemed things were fine til we got into the movie. It was dark and he chose the seat at the very top and decided that he was going to do what he wanted with me during the movie. There wasnt much i could because he had his arm around me, pretty much preventing me from moving away and i didnt want to draw attention to myself and make people think that it was just i was wanting him to almost have sex with me in the theater. So i sat through the movie and it finally ended, i was ready to go. He had me walk with him back to his car and this is the one part that i feel like i should have thought differently. I guess it was because it was in the middle of a lighted parking lot that i felt he wouldnt really try anything with me again. There were too many people around for that. I couldnt be farther from the truth in my thought. When we got to his truck, he offered for me to sit in it because it had started to rain. When i sat down, he pulled me over to him and began to use his hands anyway he wanted. Despite my protests, he was going to get what he wanted and i knew it by the way he was holding me down. In my own attempt to save myself, i dialed my friend that was my safe person and pretended that they were locked out of the house. It took  me telling him no and pushing this guy away about ten times before i was finally able to get out of the truck and walk back to my car. Trying not to let him see, i made it to my car and immediately lost it.
     I had just been assaulted and i felt so dirty and unpure and completely unsafe. On top of that, i couldnt report it. Honestly, who would believe a girl that comes in and accuses a cop that he sexually assaulted her? Not very many people. There's an unwritten code with cops that i have seen even if you dont work with them. It is like a brotherhood and nine times out of ten they will try to protect their own. Granted he wasnt a cop from my town, but he would have had more credibility compared to me. I mean from that to how do you explain how you met him? Do you tell them that you like men to be dominate with you and thats why you met him? Then it makes you look bad because they would assume that they were dominant with you and you just changed your mind. After experiencing a previous fail with the system on reporting my assault, i kept this one a secret. That has been the hardest part because to this day there are only two people that know about it.
    I guess tomorrow scares me because it will bring up those emotions again that i faced that night, much like they are right now as im writing this. Although i feel that i ended up on the better end of the bargain because i have a Master that loves me and supports me through anything. He has been there and showed me that the guy in the lifestyle who assaulted me was a jerk and should have been shot. My only hope is that one day looking back on this i can show my child that i am a positive role model for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens, they should always report an assault no matter what it is because even if its just hands in your private areas and you dont want them there, it is still assault. Thats one reason i decided to go ahead with the therapy in bringing all this back up to the surface was for peanut and Master. I also want to get to a point where i dont push Master away when He's just playing with because of something buried inside me. It's nothing He is doing because i know i am ALWAYS safe with Him, but sometimes there's that unconscious reaction to push away if someone is on top of me or if it hurts sometimes. To me, im hopeful for a brighter future where i can gain a semblance of my old self back and put this demon in my past for good.

Better Late than Never

   First off, i apologize to those who read my blog. After reading a couple blogs posting about people asking them questions, i realized that its question and answer month. Sorry for the delay in posting, but feel free to ask myself or Master any questions that you have about things in O/our lives. Again, sorry it is a little late in posting, but i promise to do better on posting in the future.

Update in general...

    Wow, i cant believe that its been a good while since ive posted a blog. I feel bad because ive said that i was going to blog everyday, but i think i was a little overconfident in myself and how i was going to handle this pregnancy and school and work all together. Let's just say blogging had to be put on the backburner for a little bit while i figured things out.
     Things between Master and myself are better than ever. He is the most amazing man and truly knows how to take care of me and give me what i need. One of the last posts i made was asking Him to use me for His pleasure and just asking for more because i felt that since i got pregnant i wasnt able to do enough for Him. He majorly delivered in a good way and im feeling much better and happy about things.
     He treated me last night and made me feel so loved and special and very much like His lil one. It seemed like i had almost forgotten what it was like for Him to do what He wanted with no control coming from me. Last night was my first ever adventure into being tied up with rope and it was definitely interesting to say the least. Honestly, i never knew Master could tie me up the way He did. It was crazy though because He brought out the toys and it has been soooo long since my boobs have been smacked and spanked and just tortured. My hands offered slight protection, but not much. If i tried to protect them, my pussy would get spanked. It was hard to choose the lesser of two evils, but to be honest i wouldnt have had any other way last night.
       So....aside from Master and i getting back to ourselves i have been dealing with school. It has been a battle for me in between feeling sick and not wanting to go to class for a few days and keeping up with everything. Luckily most days at work i am able to work on my school work and get a good bit of it done so that i can just spend time with Master while im at home at night. It's good...right now im looking at A's and B's. My psychology class i bombed the midterm so now im trying to do my best to achieve that high B that i know i can get. Master actually wasnt upset about me failing the midterm, but told me that as long as i tried my best that i would be alright. He surprises me because when im hardest on myself, He says that as long as i tried my best and did what i could to do my best that He wouldnt be upset with me. Its amazing having a wonderful motivator behind me helping me to finish school. Im not sure if i want to take a full load yet this summer, but i know for sure that im taking classes. I may take as many as i can now so that i can spend time with the baby when it comes around fall semester.
       Oh, speaking of baby, for those of you that have read that Master and i are expecting....we have an update..We still dont know the sex of the baby yet (sucks for me and that was a big fiasco at the doctors office in and of itself) but we find out in about 2 1/2 weeks time frame. Im so excited and Master and i cant wait to find out if our hunch is right that we're having a boy. Everyone keeps laughing and asking how we know, but between the both of us its just this unexplainable feeling that it's a boy. I cant really explain it, but i just know that this baby is a boy by how it feels and how ive been feeling. If you go on the heartbeat, it says boy too. Our last appointment the nurse had to chase the baby around to find the heartbeat but once she got it, it was 139. So based off that, it says that its a boy too. Oh well, guess we have to wait a few more weeks to find out. For now Master and i are just looking at gender neutral clothes and stocking up on diapers and wipes since our baby's room is already ready and waiting for them to come home.
      Sorry to bore everyone with this blog, but i felt that i needed to do a catch up blog and let everyone know that we're still here, its just things have gotten a little crazy for right now. When we find out the sex, ill post about the baby.

Feelings of some sort....

   Today has been a good day :) It is so amazing to just be able to relax and enjoy spending time with Master. Today was the first time in a week that we have both been able to just sleep and do things on our schedule. All this week i have been on the run with work and Master has been sick. He's finally feeling better and i am almost over whatever little thing that i caught too.
    So i guess the reason for writing this is about my feelings...oddly enough since the title happens to be "feelings of some sort". It's weird, but i think lately i have felt so out of it. To be honest, i dont feel like myself submissively. The other day i had the worst moment ever. Master was feeling sick and He ended up going to sleep early while i was still out visiting with a friend(i had stayed longer than i had planned). I got upset about it, and must admit i even was partially mad at Him at the same time, but it was like i was fighting myself at the same time. The rebel in me wanted to scream and shout at Him how mad i was that He had fallen asleep without me, but the submissive side at me knew that He hadnt been feeling good and i was more upset that i had let myself down. To me, i felt like a failure that i hadnt taken care of Him very well because i wasnt home and He is always there with me when i get ready to go to sleep to rub my back or just snuggle with me. Needless to say, we talked about it and i explained how i felt after He woke up and realized i was home.
    That whole situation was a win for me partially because i didnt go with my rebel side and yell and wake Master up. He understood how i felt and wasnt mad at me for being upset that He had fallen asleep on me. So now that that issue is out of the way, there is another issue that im struggling with. Reading on several blogs that i follow, i see how they are experiencing numerous things. Now i know that with that everyone experiences things differently, but at the same time i find myself missing things. It's like its missing from our life and i know that Master is taking great pains to take care of me because a lot of days i can go from being completely fine one second to puking my guts up the next courtesy of our little baby that has taken up residence in my belly. It's just sometimes i miss it and im not quite sure how to come right out and ask for it just yet.
    The weird thing was that tonight Master and i were watching a movie and He started spanking me playfully. It hurt, but at the same time felt so good to me. To be honest, i feel like i need a good spanking and just a good session overall. My body is craving it and needs it since its been a while since ive had a good spanking and been played with like a fiddle. Reading a fellow bloggers post, i find myself craving a good spanking that leaves my butt red and sore and then Master getting so turned on that He uses His pussy.  So i guess this is my way of putting my need out there to Master for a good hard use session. Our toys havent been played with in so long and i know that the only thing that is really fine to go inside me is Him because the toys dont yield(sorry if too graphic but its true cause of being preggo) I guess my mind is just wanting to find some way to ask Him for a good spanking and a good use session because i want to squirt for Him again. He's made me do it before and id love to do it more for Him. To be honest, im not sure how much i could squirt if i really just let go. Im up for trying with Him though :) Oh well....wish me luck. Im off to go snuggle with my Master.

Just for You Master :)

   This has been the most amazing day ever and I find myself in shock more and more everyday that I am with Master. He is the most amazing man in the world and i couldnt ask for a better husband, Master, and soon to be father. He is the man of my dreams and i am thankful that God placed us in each other's lives everyday.
    These past few days i have been sick and i know that i am miserable to be around when im sick because i turn into even more of a baby then usual. You are amazing though because you take everything in stride and always do your best to make sure that i am comfortable and even more so now. On top of that, you also comfort me when im not sure if peanut is okay or not and just help to ease my fears. I honestly wouldnt dream of having a better person to have there for me when im at my absolute worst other than you.
     Its hard to believe that its been almost two years since we have started talking and became Master and lil one(okay almost is still two months away but still). In a world where things for me were shifting and beyond my control, you brought the control back to me. You let things move at my pace and didnt push me to be that doormat submissive that other "Doms" had done. Hearing things from my past that would make anybody cringe, You didnt turn to run but instead grabbed me up in Your arms and just held me tight letting me know that i was safe and ALWAYS would be. It has always been Your love and caring side that has let me know that You are an amazing Master because you truly know how to take care of Your submissive. Thank you so much Master for the amazing time that we have spent together so far and i look forward to the years to come to see where we go with the lifestyle.
    On that note, I have to say something that has been bugging at me lately. Well not so much bugging, but i feel the need to let you know something that i cant figure out how to put into words or come straight out and tell you yet. That will stay take a little time before i can just come to You and say flat out "Master i need _____ " so i hope that You will bear with me on this. Lately i have felt that there has been a good amount of time between You enjoying Your lil one. In the past i have never been one to ask for sex, but i find myself wanting it and craving it everyday(it must be the hormones talking cause it seems like i cant get enough lately and i definitely dont want to seem greedy). In the beginning, my body was telling me that it just wasnt comfortable with anything sexual, but now that i have experienced it i know that i definitely want it and can handle it. The first time that we had sex since i got pregnant was soooo amazing that i want to experience it as much as possible. The one night that You just began kissing me and took what was Yours was sooo amazing that i find myself wanting more of that. Having as much time together as we have and the history together that we have, i trust You Master and i know that You can read my body way better than i can. Please use me Master!!! My body craves it and needs it. I need You to take Your pussy and use it and just make it cum and squirt for You like You did once before. I never knew that i could squirt and i want to do some more for You....Your tongue so amazing that i long to feel it so much all over my clit and just teasing me until You cant take it anymore and then You plunge into Your soaking wet pussy.
   Hopefully this can express my need to You and how i feel about things. Since it is getting into the second trimester, i am feeling much better and find myself not feeling nauseous very much. So please Master if You feel like You need it, please use me. It lets me know that even though im pregnant that i can still do something for You without getting worn out to where i cant keep up with my normal tasks or do them because they are a health risk(like cleaning the whole house every weekend like i wanted to)

              HAPPY
                    VALENTINE'S
                                          DAY
                                                MASTER!!!!!!!

Update....

    So today i realized i havent written on my blog in a while. I think its time for me to start back with writing again. There is so much that is going on in my life right now that I think i reallly do need to allow myself time to vent and just let people know what is going on with things.

  My time is even more precious lately because on top of working 40 hours a week, im taking on 12 hours of classes and still have to make sure that i have time to take care of Master and myself and our growing baby. It seems that time has become more of my enemy lately, but i know that it will only be like this for a short time.
    Master and i decided that it was better for me to go ahead and take a couple extra classes this semester because with our lil peanut arriving in August, i wont have very much time for school. Its actually not that bad because luckily im taking two classroom and two online classes. It really helps me with my time a whole lot better. My classes are just three nights a week and the rest of the week i have time to just go home and relax if i need to or catch up on my homework from all my classes. I thought that having online classes was going to be easy, but this time its a little bit harder than i thought. I have to balance making sure to get assignments done by the due date, reading chapters, studying lessons, taking notes, completing discussions and projects. Its enough to make anybody's head swirl, but add onto that being pregnant and it makes you even more tired than usual.
    Master is so amazing with everything and i am so happy to have Him by my side supporting me through everything. He is helping me to realize that everyday that i push to get these four classes done, is another day that i will have more time to spend and bond with our peanut when they get here. He reminds me that i cant let myself have excuses. Im not sure if ive admitted it here before, but i have been to college before. Last time i was in college, i had been raised in a structured household and needless to say i went a little wild when i got to college and was left on my own. I had a full ride ROTC scholarship as well as 2-3 other scholarships and i was getting paid $300 a month tax free just to go to school and an allowance to get my textbooks every semester. Looking back now, i realize that i had life made then. Despite that, i ended up hooking up with some friends that were real good friends with frat boys. Let's just say i was one of the many freshmen that drank and partied a lot.
   After going through my first semester, i also got sick and had to deal with that and the effects of too much partying. On top of that i had to deal with the after effects of being the victim of sexual assault and going through the whole trial and everything through the school. After that i made excuses for everything. I was always tired from being sick or i just couldnt do it anymore and my grades fell because of it. At the end of my freshmen year i was placed on probation for my scholarship, which i ended up having to give up because my grades just werent good enough and some other things. It took a lot for me, but i realized that i would have to grow up. I got a job and took out loans to pay for my third semester and it seemed that with working my butt off and really putting in the time to study and showing up to my classes that i could do the work. Going from a 1.8 GPA(which i am most definitely NOT proud of at all) to finishing a semester with 1 A, 3 Bs and a C (which was in the hardest class with the hardest professor) I was proud of myself. I knew what it was to work hard to get what i wanted and that if i set my mind to it i could get those grades everytime.
    Needless to say those plans got put on hold after i joined the military, but with us having a baby and the future with me in the military was beginning to get a little bit shaky from the health concerns that i have been facing. It just made me realize that i need to get it done and i want to make sure that i have a future in place that would allow both Master and i to support our lil one. I just want to have the best job to support them and going to school and finishing my degree will allow me to do this. Not only that i made a promise to my grandfather that i would finish school and that is one promise that i am not going to break no matter what. Anyways, Master has helped me to stay on track. He cant do much right now because of me being pregnant(and now His belt is broken), but He has offered to help be that reassuring strength to let me know that i can and will be able to finish school when i doubt myself. He has offered to give me spankings for missing an assignment or homework or not doing as well as i know i could have. He expects nothing but the best out of me, even when im tired from the pregnancy. He isnt going to take any excuse from me at all.
    An update on things with the pregnancy is i will be 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Its so weird to know that im pregnant, but at the same time it is the best feeling in the world knowing that i am carrying Master's baby. He still cant believe and has said He probably wont until He sees the little baby on the ultrasound. We both are so excited and cant wait for the next 9 weeks to pass so that we can find out what the sex of our little peanut is. Its so exciting and i cant believe how supportive He has been through everything. He has been there holding my hair and helping me up after my numerous bathroom trips to the toilet because peanut didnt like something that i ate or drank. He has taken care of me so well that i only wish i could return the favor. He is my whole world and i cant wait to meet this baby that will make our world that much better. We are both so excited to be parents. I wanted to share this picture. Its a little late, but its me with a little bit of a baby bump already at 10 weeks.
   Other than everything that has been mentioned above, i would like to say that Master and i are having so much fun and just enjoying life. We take things day by day and hopefully as things progress i will have more to talk about.

Slight scare for U/us and baby....

   So last night Master and i ended up going to the emergency room. I experienced some bleeding that was heavier than the usual spotting i had been told about. It had started after i had physical therapy and i wanted to make sure that our little peanut was doing alright. We had a blood test, but the two of us still had no clue as to how far along i was. We just knew that the bloodwork had said i was pregnant, but the doctor wanted to run another blood test in two weeks just to be sure.
    After waiting around for about 2 hours or so, they had taken some blood and then came in to take me to ultrasound. The nurses felt bad for me because i was looking so sad. Master was encouraging during the whole thing, reassuring me that our peanut was going to be alright. Sometimes i am able to comprehend what He is saying and it goes through and im fine once He says that. However last night was different. Since we didnt know how far along i was and didnt have any kind of idea as to how far along i should be other than between 4 and 8 weeks, i needed to see that ultrasound. It was all i cared about was seeing that ultrasound picture and making sure that our peanut was alright and developing right where it should.
    So after getting the ultrasound done and experiencing the weird wand in places that only Master has touched like that, i found out that we are 5 weeks pregnant. It was such a sobering thing to see that little black dot on the screen. Granted it wasnt much, but hearing the ultrasound tech say that the baby was right where it should be for measuring 5 weeks was the most amazing thing to hear and it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me knowing our peanut was officially okay. The nurse came in and told me the doctor would be in shortly and sure he came in not too long after that.
    Master and i listened to the doctor as he told me what he felt was happening. He felt that i needed to check back in with my doctor in 2 days to get my HCG levels checked to make sure that the baby was developing normally and progessing as it should for this pregnancy. On top of that he said the bleeding could either be from a threatened miscarriage or early pregnancy spotting. I kind of feel bad though because when we went in we told him just bleeding. We didnt specify how much other than it was more than normal spotting. He took that to mean it was a lot, like the kind that would begin to mean a miscarriage, but it was just spotting and a little bit of blood after doing some exercises at physical therapy. We just wanted to make sure with the spotting that our peanut was okay because after that bit of bleeding, i spotted once or twice but then it was back to normal. There wasnt really anything. Either way i am definitely going to follow the doctors orders and rest as much as possible until i make it to my next trimester.
   Please keep Master and i in your thoughts for this baby to keep developing normally. With all my past health problems, it really is a miracle i was able to get pregnant and that the baby has made it this far so far. I know that i am truly thankful and that Master is too :) I will be thanking God everyday for giving me this precious gift and everyday He gives this baby another day to grow and develop inside me. :) Keep your fingers crossed that my next appointment will go a lot better for baby.

So we have an annoucement to make....

     We're EXPECTING!!!!!So Master and i are completely excited :) We have just found out this past week the amazing news!!  It's the most exciting thing ever and i cant believe that the two of us are going to be bringing a little one into this world. It's the most exciting thing in the world to know that i have a life growing inside of me.

     We are a little bit nervous because right now im facing a little bit of spotting, but according to the doctors that is normal for women to spot in their first trimester of pregnancy. I havent been to my first appointment yet, but as of now the best guess is im anywhere between 5 and 7 weeks pregnant. To me it is the most exciting time in the world. The spotting has me a little nervous but after talking to two nurses and an ObGyn about it i kind of am not as worried about it. Its still a major factor in the back of my mind, especially because i dont know whats causing it and i dont know how far along i am. My mind says ill be okay if i can just find out how far along i am and hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat(from what ive read you can hear it as early as 8 weeks but im not sure). Master keeps me calm and im trying to not to worry because i know its bad for baby. So for now im just keeping an eye on things and if it gets worse i think we'll go in and get it checked out even if its just to say that this is normal and the baby is doing alright.

     Master and i are ready to have some fun and tell His family. We're waiting until Christmas and by then hopefully i will have had my first appointment and will find out just how far along i am with the baby. :) The debate has already started as to what we want to have--a boy or girl. Either way we know that we want the baby to be healthy. Id like a boy because i want him to be protective of his little sister when/if we have a girl and Master wants a little girl. Its crazy but i feel that we are both bonding with the baby right now. The baby isnt very big, but have an unofficial name until we find out what the baby is. We call it Peanut :) and its so cute because Master tells Peanut bye every morning that i go to work and just at random moments. The weird thing is that i find myself rubbing my tummy and thinking of the new life that is growing in there. It's the best feeling in the world and now i feel like i have to be so protective of my stomach.

     My family is going to be told the day after Christmas, but im kind of leery of going up there. With everything that happened with our wedding i am not to sure how this is going to go. Its bad enough i have to go up there alone because they are mad at Him for protecting me. Ugh, i hate family drama. To add to it, they dont seem to be too happy that im bringing our dog with us, but she deserves to experience a change of scenery and shes way better behaved than my parents dog because she just listens very well. Yes she may have crack dog moments but thats normal for her breed.

     Anyways...i figured id break the news here first because i feel like im bursting at the seams to tell everyone. It's exciting and i cant wait, but we are still thanking God everyday that He allows us to have this baby. Its going to be interesting because Master and i arent the typical couple and sad to say our life has changed a little bit since i found out i was pregnant, but i have a feeling it will change once i get further along. Right now, i just feel that i have to be a little too protective. Other than that im having all the usual symptoms....nausea, lightheaded at random moments, weird food cravings, and just not being able to handle other things that i used to love. It's going to be a brand new experience.

So anyone that has advice, we would be more than welcome to take any advice we can get. Especially because it is a lot different when you start having children in the lifestyle versus having children and you're a regular vanilla couple. If you have tips of what you thought you should have bought and didnt, things you wished you had known, or just anything please feel free to pass it along.

     Master and i will keep this updated and i look forward to letting everyone know what we're having. Either way please pray for us and that this baby will continue to develop happy and healthy and come out a healthy beautiful baby(or babies***knock on wood*** because there is a chance of that happening too with my family genes).

Wow....just wow....

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Definitely facing raw emotions and struggle

  If my head full of feelings was able to be translated into words, i feel that i wouldnt even know where to start. For some reason its like this awful monster has taken over my head and my life tonight. There is just no way for me to put into words how i feel. Its confusing and raw and heavy. It feels like its clawing at me and im fighting it, but the harder i fight it the faster it takes over me.

    Master and i have talked numerous times about children and how i feel so worried about whether i will be able to give Him kids or not. He is my whole world and for some odd reason the only thought on my head has been about how i wish to provide Him one of the most important things to me. Everytime the two of U/us have talked He reminds me that its not something that has to happen overnight. Its something that has eaten at me since i got sick because i feel that my health issues have gotten in the way.
    Before i go into more detail i have to say that this next little part is raw and i am not sure what is going to go through my head as i type these next words. The weird though is that i dont feel so focused on the thought of having kids. My head makes it feel like its constantly in my head. TO me i feel that life is so short and with my health concerns, i dont ever know what is going to happen. Before life got hectic for us and i found out how much of a pain in the butt that my family can be, we were facing my health concerns. Things had seemed to stabilize with my health for a short period of time and we were trying for a child. We werent told that we couldnt try and the weird thing was that the first two times we tried, i think i did get pregnant. All the signs and symptoms were there and i felt such a hope and a light feeling that we were going to have a child. I read all about the feelings and what to expect if you were expecting a child. I had the sensitive boobs(not because Master had been playing with them) and i was definitely seeing the skin changes(the darkening of the boobs too) and was thirsty as could be. Being as thirsty as i was definitely changed things for me because i had never been that thirsty in a long time. Growing up, i had always wanted to be a mother. I knew it was one of the most important things to me and to be honest, i wanted to be a stay at home mom and just provide a nice home cooked meal and everything for my husband, whoever He would be. So to finally know that i was pregnant was amazing. Before all these feelings i had been pregnancy tested before because of my other medical symptoms, but never experienced them like i did once i knew i was. Its weird how you can just know, but with everything out of whack at that time, i could tell this was different then the rest of the symptoms.
    So going through everything, i was so happy and thought i was. I began to drink more water and was even taking prenatals just in case(also a suggestion from the obgyn to take them if we were trying to get pregnant at the time). I hadnt really told Master either time because i wasnt for sure if i really was. It was about two weeks after i thought i got pregnant and probably about a week after noticing the extremely sensitive boobs and the extreme thirst that i had the description of implantation bleeding. In the beginning it did just like what everyone said it would do. The bleeding was extremely light and it was like that for two days or so. Then it got really weird. The first time our dog pounced on my stomach. The bleeding had almost ended and it seemed that she had jump started it somehow. I began to bleed heavy and dark blood. It looked almost like my normal period minus the tissue coming out. So i thought maybe it would do that for a day or two and then go away. A few hours later, i passed a massive blood clot that was the size of about a quarter. After passing the clot, the bleeding eased up and completely stopped. It seemed that my mind couldnt comprehend what had happened. It was like i knew that i was pregnant, but even after that i didnt test positive when i tried a pregnancy test. It was like i was in shock and disbelief and when i went and sat down with Master He  knew immediately that something was wrong. Choking on my words, i told Him that i wasnt sure, but i had thought that i had had a miscarriage. Bawling i cried and sobbed into His arms trying to find sense in everything. To me, i knew i was pregnant and i had been messing around with our dog. All the what ifs went through my head and i wondered if her doing that and me climbing all the stairs and everything made it that much worse on me and made me lose the baby or made it just too hard for that embryo to implant. He was a true Master and just comforted me as best as He could because He was at a loss. He couldnt tell me if i had a miscarriage or not because He hadnt seen the clot, but somehow in my heart i knew that i had probably had one no matter what anyone else said.
    Master calmed me down and got me to where i wasnt crying as much and explained that i shouldnt cry. It was not O/our time to be pregnant and that maybe God felt that it wasnt time for U/us to have a child just yet and that we could always try again. To me this seemed fun because it meant way more sex and way more making sure that Master was pleased. I think honestly that being away from Him for six months made me into a sexual maniac, but you wont catch me openly admitting that. Anyways, i sighed and wiped my tears and realized that He was right. Maybe this just wasnt our time to have a child and that W/we could try again. Somehow we tried again and about two months after the first time i found the feelings coming back a short time later. I could feel that i was pregnant again. I saw my boobs changing again and saw that i was even thirstier then last time and that i just knew it had to work this time. When i got those feelings, i made sure to not let our dog anywhere near my stomach and i was just working as easy as i could to make sure it stuck when the implantation bleeding started. Stubborn me had a lot of work to do from cleaning the dishes and other things around the house, so needless to say i wore myself out the last couple days of the bleeding and made it start worse. This time there was dark bleeding, still no tissue coming out until i got up from the toilet. All i could see was this huge clot and i began to panic. It wasnt happening again to me. There was no way!! I had done everything possible to make sure it stuck. The doggie wasnt jumping on my stomach and i was taking it as light as i could without being a total couch potato. The clot passed anyway and it was about the size of a quarter again. This time it wasnt just one, there were two clots and then the bleeding just magically stopped. It was like the clot was some magic drain stopper or something. I was heart broken.
    The one thing that i could do for Master and i was screwing it up. This happened not once but TWICE. I felt like i had done something wrong when i could have controlled something. There was just raw emotion and hurt and i dont know what else there. Its weird because im sure some people would say that i was never pregnant because the embryo didnt implant so theres no way i was pregnant and thats why my tests were negative, but i know my body and i know what i felt. I WAS pregnant then.
    Master has comforted me numerous times when i get these thoughts in my head but it is so hard to see everyone out walking around and having kids left and right. We were told not even a month after trying the second time not to try at getting pregnant anymore because it would complicate the doctor's attempt to treat whatever was going on with me. It was heart breaking to be told that you cant do what everyone else around you is able to do like rabbits. It seemed that people who had no intention of getting pregnant were getting pregnant and just the people who dont need any kind of kids are having kids and it makes me sad to be honest. Here we were trying and nothing could result from it, but these people were doing it with little effort. Granted i dont know their stories completely, but thats just what it looks like to a lot of them.
    There is no way that i can even begin to describe this urge that i have in me and sometimes it is so overpowering that i dont even know how to control it. There is no way that it is the number one thing on my mind, but its like there is such a strong need for us to have a child. I can see it in Master's eyes when He smiles at His niece or laughs at the little kid laughing on the tv. He loves little babies and little ones and i can tell that He would be an amazing dad, but for some reason i cant do that. Our attempts have showed nothing and even then my health has gotten in the middle of it. Right now, i am able to get pregnant because the doctor decided not to keep pursuing the rounds of tests because he felt that he wanted to give me the ability to have a child and going through anymore raditation would just put me at much worse of a risk for not having children.
    So after all this rambling about the past, i have to say that today has caught me off guard. Maybe its because i keep seeing people coming in with their babies and i just found out that one of my friends is pregnant and due in July. I mean how do you fight this feeling that is so strong that it threatens to overwhelm me? No matter what i do, i cant hide the fact that i so badly want a child that it hurt so bad that i lost the two that we possibly could have had. It was my job to protect them and i couldnt even do that. Its hard to explain to Master why im sad when i read the news that friends are pregnant. To be honest, im a mixture of sad and happy. Im happy for them that they get to experience that little bundle of joy and that happiness that only comes with seeing that innocent child smile at you and know that you're their whole world. Nothing could be better in my eyes. The sadness comes with knowing that i have yet to be able to experience it and at this point we arent sure that i will be able to. We are trying right now to get pregnant. Well not trying, but its a matter of if it happens it happens.
    My heart breaks because i dont even know how to put into words for Master how i am feeling. How do you explain all the turmoil that i mentioned above that is rolling around in my head and i feel it threatening me every so often? How do you explain that sometimes i just need to be pulled in tight and told that you love me and that it is beyond my control? He has told me that before, but for some reason it hasnt stuck(insert lovely family life story here because i have a feeling that takes a part in it). Maybe one day we will have a child to call our own, but until then i have a feeling that i will struggle with these feelings every so often. Maybe i can get a radar to sense this rolling tide so that i can take cover in Master's arms and hope it just passes by. Until then i have to hope that He understand just how hard it is for me to go through this and not know how to describe it to Him while hoping that He doesnt think He did anything wrong in the situation. He is my whole world and i dont want to ever do anything to lose Him and i feel if i keep letting this baby thing get to me that He's going to crack from my constant need to have a child even if it is from an indescribable itch. But thats where im wrong because He is strong enough to stay. He's shown me numerous times before that He will stay, now its time for me to really get that through my head that no matter what He wont run and hide from whatever demons im facing.