Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
That Drowning, Helpless Feeling
Today finds my head and heart in two different places and my emotions are once again all over the place too. For the first time in a little while Master and i are having a misunderstanding and it has left me feeling ashamed of myself and just hurt, upset, and frustrated. The worst part though is that i am ashamed of myself and the selfish feelings that have welled up inside of me. When Master got onto me, saying that i was upset just because i wasn't getting my way and that i do this when i don't get my way hurt. To me, it felt like i was slipping back to how i was before i met Master. Before i met Him, when we were first talking there were a lot of changes that i had to make with myself as far as dipping into the lifestyle with both feet. When the two of us first began talking, i remember thinking that some of the decisions He made left me upset or if i didn't like it i would pout and get upset. After Master made the comment He did today, i felt like i had lapsed back into that person---that submissive that lacked the training and proper Master to correct her.
All that leads to my feelings of being hurt and upset. The crazy thing is that it is over something as little(well now it seems somewhat little) as a german shepherd puppy. To explain why i reacted the way i did, i first have to give a little background before the story of today. Back in January, Master and i decided that we were ready to start trying to have another child and i thought we were pregnant again after missing my period at the beginning of this month. There were all the signs and symptoms, my body was changing and my hormones were through the roof. We went to the doctor for a test and it came back negative, but i felt this wasn't true because i knew my body and i could tell that i was. The doctor tried pushing me to take the provera to jump start my period again and fix my cycle, but i refused until i knew without a doubt i wasn't pregnant. He said the only other way was to do an ultrasound so i requested one. Well the night before the ultrasound, Master and i had some rough sex to where He caused me to bleed a good little bit. Then the ultrasound came and they had to do the pelvic one and that restarted the bleeding. It showed that there wasn't anything that could be seen, but the ultrasound tech said it was possible if i was too early along and from my last pregnancy, we didn't show up on the ultrasound right away. By the dates they use to calculate i was supposed to be 7 weeks, but was only showing at 5 weeks by ultrasound and 2-3 weeks by blood. So i knew this had to be the case because my body was telling me i was pregnant(and it wasn't me wanting to be pregnant so bad that i was thinking of these symptoms because Master even said He noticed them too). Anyways, the next day i went into full bleeding mode and this crushed me. Yes i had told Master that i would be fine if we ended up not pregnant and i thought it was true, but now i don't know. Just like last time when we were trying for our first child, i strongly believe that i had an early miscarriage. It sucks because i was looking forward to having another baby in the house. Well to add onto that, i found out at the end of February that i would be cut loose from my job at the end of May and there is all the stress and such that goes with that, but the worst part is we will no longer have the health insurance coverage that covers pregnancy after May. So Master and i were concerned if we got pregnant after May, what would happen.
With the threat of not having health insurance after May and it being a testy time to bring another baby into the house, i threw out the idea to Master about getting a second dog instead and think of it as a trial run like we did with our first dog before deciding to try for a baby. He agreed and said that we would wait until we got moved and then we could look. This got me excited because He agreed that we could look for a dog and one dog that we both agree on looking for would be a german shepherd. The two of us just love that breed and the jobs it is able to do. But back to earlier....about two days ago i was bored at work and looking through craigslist at the various dogs they had posted on the site. There i found a german shepherd that was being offered for free as long as it would go to a good home. The next morning when i got home, i talked to Master about it and asked if we could get her and the reply i got was that if i got a kennel first then we could. However, after not receiving an answer that day i began to look around for a german shepherd again and sent out a few more emails to people that had ads listed on Craigslist. There was a dog i found and i was texting Master about it and asking what He thought about the specifics that were listed. There were two different prices, one without AKC papers and the other with the papers. He suggested it would be better to get with papers, but He would have to see the dog to judge if the price was worth it. Seeing this, it was clear to me that Master understood that i was looking for now and not in the future. Since the first dog He told me we could get didn't ever contact me back, i felt that i needed to see if there were any others out there that were within what we were looking for. A few more emails later and i had my answer.
So now i finally get to the events of today. Last night and today when i asked Master about a puppy that i had found that was a reasonable price, He kept saying no looking at puppy and just shaking His head. This comment was made in a joking manner, or so it seemed to me. Not once when i was looking around was i told that we would not get one now, especially after being told i could get the one going to a good home if i simply got a kennel for it. Anyways, there was a puppy that i had found that is a very reasonable driving distance from us and is well within what we were looking for(the people are actually discounting what was a firm price for us to come get her tomorrow). When i keep trying to ask Master if we can get her, He simply laughed until the most recent attempt. He told me that He had never said that we would get one right now and that when i appeared upset i was acting that way because i simply wasn't getting my way. This hurt me because like i said earlier, it made me feel like i was digressing but at the same time frustrated me because i felt led on in this whole process. The whole time Master knew that i was looking at the dogs, but not once was i told you can look but we aren't buying one right now or anything along those lines. To me, He had consented to getting one as long as i could provide a crate, especially after okaying a price on one as long as He could look at pictures of the dog. He also made the comment that He thought i was looking for a younger dog when i showed Him the second one i got a price on because it was already two years old.
There are mixed feelings of i should have asked for clarification on this whole thing and that it is my fault because i was jumping to conclusions, but at the same time it hurts because He had said okay and now all of a sudden He is changing His mind with no notice. Now i know that as a Dom and my Master that He has every right to do it and that i should accept it as the final say, but i really feel strongly about getting this dog. There are just no words to describe how badly i would like to add this puppy to our household. It is a dream dog of mine every since i heard my parents talking about how they used to own one and watching them as police dogs and various other things. On top of that, Master and i had even made a deal after i asked Him about the first dog that if we got another dog it meant no more trying for another baby. So if He is making me wait until at least the end of next month when we move to get a dog, then why is it that we cant try for another child because if i were to get pregnant before the end of may, i would have continued coverage for my entire pregnancy.
How do i explain all these confused and mixed emotions to Master? How do i explain that i feel cheated because we had a deal and now He is going back on it, but that im torn inside because i know it is my duty as a good submissive to accept His authority and final decision on this issue. Its just hard because i cant help but feel that it is a good thing to get this puppy and put trying for another baby on the backburner for the time being and i know the price on this puppy is a very good deal from all the other prices i have been seeing. The owners are only wanting $150 and from what i have seen, german shepherd pure bred puppies are running from $250 and up.
After getting all this out, i feel like i really need a crash course on submission and that things are starting to well up again inside of me and im struggling with them again. It is time for me to get back to writing on here every night so as to get out the various emotions because it seems to be coming out against Master and i hate that thought(which is another reason i think a puppy would be good for us because just like our daughter it would help brighten both our moods and i think our dog would have fun with the puppy and needs a playmate). My pride is hurting right now as i type this, but i feel that i have to suck it up and deal with it if Master makes the final decision that we aren't getting another puppy. He is the Master and Dominant in this relationship and no matter what He will always have the final say after i plead my case and whether i like it or not that is what goes. Before we even started dating, i knew the type of relationship i was getting into and i think as i wrote this i had to remind myself that He is the ultimate decision make in ALL things no matter how upset or angry i get.
So im sorry Master for getting upset and feeling angry and hurt and frustrated about the whole dog situation. In my head, it seemed like a big deal to me at the time, but now i realize i shouldn't have made such a huge issue out of it. You are my Master and i trust that You will always make the right decision for us. Please forgive me for the way i acted and i promise that i will understand whatever decision You decide about the puppy. It may not be easy for me to accept if You tell me that we are either waiting or not getting another one, but i must do it not only because i am Your submissive but because i know You have our best interests at heart. Just please consider everything before making the final veto and know i will do everything i can to help you take care of this new puppy if you decide to let us get it. (Heres a pic of what the puppy would look like a little bigger---not the dog i am looking to get but another one that looks like it)
All that leads to my feelings of being hurt and upset. The crazy thing is that it is over something as little(well now it seems somewhat little) as a german shepherd puppy. To explain why i reacted the way i did, i first have to give a little background before the story of today. Back in January, Master and i decided that we were ready to start trying to have another child and i thought we were pregnant again after missing my period at the beginning of this month. There were all the signs and symptoms, my body was changing and my hormones were through the roof. We went to the doctor for a test and it came back negative, but i felt this wasn't true because i knew my body and i could tell that i was. The doctor tried pushing me to take the provera to jump start my period again and fix my cycle, but i refused until i knew without a doubt i wasn't pregnant. He said the only other way was to do an ultrasound so i requested one. Well the night before the ultrasound, Master and i had some rough sex to where He caused me to bleed a good little bit. Then the ultrasound came and they had to do the pelvic one and that restarted the bleeding. It showed that there wasn't anything that could be seen, but the ultrasound tech said it was possible if i was too early along and from my last pregnancy, we didn't show up on the ultrasound right away. By the dates they use to calculate i was supposed to be 7 weeks, but was only showing at 5 weeks by ultrasound and 2-3 weeks by blood. So i knew this had to be the case because my body was telling me i was pregnant(and it wasn't me wanting to be pregnant so bad that i was thinking of these symptoms because Master even said He noticed them too). Anyways, the next day i went into full bleeding mode and this crushed me. Yes i had told Master that i would be fine if we ended up not pregnant and i thought it was true, but now i don't know. Just like last time when we were trying for our first child, i strongly believe that i had an early miscarriage. It sucks because i was looking forward to having another baby in the house. Well to add onto that, i found out at the end of February that i would be cut loose from my job at the end of May and there is all the stress and such that goes with that, but the worst part is we will no longer have the health insurance coverage that covers pregnancy after May. So Master and i were concerned if we got pregnant after May, what would happen.
With the threat of not having health insurance after May and it being a testy time to bring another baby into the house, i threw out the idea to Master about getting a second dog instead and think of it as a trial run like we did with our first dog before deciding to try for a baby. He agreed and said that we would wait until we got moved and then we could look. This got me excited because He agreed that we could look for a dog and one dog that we both agree on looking for would be a german shepherd. The two of us just love that breed and the jobs it is able to do. But back to earlier....about two days ago i was bored at work and looking through craigslist at the various dogs they had posted on the site. There i found a german shepherd that was being offered for free as long as it would go to a good home. The next morning when i got home, i talked to Master about it and asked if we could get her and the reply i got was that if i got a kennel first then we could. However, after not receiving an answer that day i began to look around for a german shepherd again and sent out a few more emails to people that had ads listed on Craigslist. There was a dog i found and i was texting Master about it and asking what He thought about the specifics that were listed. There were two different prices, one without AKC papers and the other with the papers. He suggested it would be better to get with papers, but He would have to see the dog to judge if the price was worth it. Seeing this, it was clear to me that Master understood that i was looking for now and not in the future. Since the first dog He told me we could get didn't ever contact me back, i felt that i needed to see if there were any others out there that were within what we were looking for. A few more emails later and i had my answer.
So now i finally get to the events of today. Last night and today when i asked Master about a puppy that i had found that was a reasonable price, He kept saying no looking at puppy and just shaking His head. This comment was made in a joking manner, or so it seemed to me. Not once when i was looking around was i told that we would not get one now, especially after being told i could get the one going to a good home if i simply got a kennel for it. Anyways, there was a puppy that i had found that is a very reasonable driving distance from us and is well within what we were looking for(the people are actually discounting what was a firm price for us to come get her tomorrow). When i keep trying to ask Master if we can get her, He simply laughed until the most recent attempt. He told me that He had never said that we would get one right now and that when i appeared upset i was acting that way because i simply wasn't getting my way. This hurt me because like i said earlier, it made me feel like i was digressing but at the same time frustrated me because i felt led on in this whole process. The whole time Master knew that i was looking at the dogs, but not once was i told you can look but we aren't buying one right now or anything along those lines. To me, He had consented to getting one as long as i could provide a crate, especially after okaying a price on one as long as He could look at pictures of the dog. He also made the comment that He thought i was looking for a younger dog when i showed Him the second one i got a price on because it was already two years old.
There are mixed feelings of i should have asked for clarification on this whole thing and that it is my fault because i was jumping to conclusions, but at the same time it hurts because He had said okay and now all of a sudden He is changing His mind with no notice. Now i know that as a Dom and my Master that He has every right to do it and that i should accept it as the final say, but i really feel strongly about getting this dog. There are just no words to describe how badly i would like to add this puppy to our household. It is a dream dog of mine every since i heard my parents talking about how they used to own one and watching them as police dogs and various other things. On top of that, Master and i had even made a deal after i asked Him about the first dog that if we got another dog it meant no more trying for another baby. So if He is making me wait until at least the end of next month when we move to get a dog, then why is it that we cant try for another child because if i were to get pregnant before the end of may, i would have continued coverage for my entire pregnancy.
How do i explain all these confused and mixed emotions to Master? How do i explain that i feel cheated because we had a deal and now He is going back on it, but that im torn inside because i know it is my duty as a good submissive to accept His authority and final decision on this issue. Its just hard because i cant help but feel that it is a good thing to get this puppy and put trying for another baby on the backburner for the time being and i know the price on this puppy is a very good deal from all the other prices i have been seeing. The owners are only wanting $150 and from what i have seen, german shepherd pure bred puppies are running from $250 and up.
After getting all this out, i feel like i really need a crash course on submission and that things are starting to well up again inside of me and im struggling with them again. It is time for me to get back to writing on here every night so as to get out the various emotions because it seems to be coming out against Master and i hate that thought(which is another reason i think a puppy would be good for us because just like our daughter it would help brighten both our moods and i think our dog would have fun with the puppy and needs a playmate). My pride is hurting right now as i type this, but i feel that i have to suck it up and deal with it if Master makes the final decision that we aren't getting another puppy. He is the Master and Dominant in this relationship and no matter what He will always have the final say after i plead my case and whether i like it or not that is what goes. Before we even started dating, i knew the type of relationship i was getting into and i think as i wrote this i had to remind myself that He is the ultimate decision make in ALL things no matter how upset or angry i get.
So im sorry Master for getting upset and feeling angry and hurt and frustrated about the whole dog situation. In my head, it seemed like a big deal to me at the time, but now i realize i shouldn't have made such a huge issue out of it. You are my Master and i trust that You will always make the right decision for us. Please forgive me for the way i acted and i promise that i will understand whatever decision You decide about the puppy. It may not be easy for me to accept if You tell me that we are either waiting or not getting another one, but i must do it not only because i am Your submissive but because i know You have our best interests at heart. Just please consider everything before making the final veto and know i will do everything i can to help you take care of this new puppy if you decide to let us get it. (Heres a pic of what the puppy would look like a little bigger---not the dog i am looking to get but another one that looks like it)
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Q and A time in blog world
Ok so from reading around the blog world it has come to my attention that March is Question and Answer month. So if you wonderful people you glance at this little space in the blog world have a question for me or Master then please feel free to type it in the comments section and W/we will try to get to them. I can't promise you that all questions due to privacy reason but W/we will try our best to answer the ones that W/we can.
Thank you for participating in this fun time and can't wait to hear the questions that yall come up with.
Thank you for participating in this fun time and can't wait to hear the questions that yall come up with.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Confusing thoughts and emotions
So last night and today have left me very puzzled and confused and trying to figure out how to process everything and cope and just function like im supposed to. There are so many emotions twirling around inside my head that i really just want to throw my head into the nearest pillow and scream my head off, but i cant...partially because Master would probably look at me very weird and i have a baby that needs to be taken care of as well. Lately i have been feeling like i am distancing myself at times to keep from connecting to something emotionally or trying not to let it overwhelm me(Master hasn't said anything about this but i think He may be noticing it but is trying to figure out what to say), but in truth i feel that it really has overwhelmed me and i don't know what to do about it.
So i guess since i am talking about something overwhelming me, it might be helpful to put out what it is that is actually overwhelming me to the point that i feel like i am distancing myself and want to scream into a pillow. For starters, the biggest part right is that i think i am pregnant again. There are the full blown symptoms occurring that are leading me to believe this, but as of today i have yet to see that positive test result. Yesterday was my second blood test, my first being two weeks ago today, and i have also taken numerous home pregnancy tests hoping for that positive test result. Not getting a positive on a blood test or a home pregnancy test but still experiencing these symptoms and just have that feeling that im pregnant is hard. It makes me feel like things are in my head and that im going crazy, but at the same time a part of me is trying to rationalize it. When i got the first negative, i had been having pregnancy symptoms for a few days but once i got the negative i put being pregnant out of my mind and told myself that Master and i would keep trying and it just wasn't meant to be for us to get pregnant that fast. However, after another week the symptoms were still there. Now i know that it is not from me wanting to be pregnant so bad that my body is actually making the symptoms happen because when i got that negative i told myself i wasn't pregnant and moved on.
With experiencing all that and still having pregnancy symptoms but negative tests leaves me confused and worried. Right now it is a guessing and waiting game to try and find someone to listen to me and check me by either an ultrasound or internal exam to verify that what i am feeling is true and that i am pregnant or tell me what the hell is going on and why im experiencing these pregnancy symptoms. I hate to be graphic here but these are all the symptoms that i at first tried to discount but as time continues and they get more frequent it is getting harder to ignore.
~lighter than normal period, both in flow and in color (also didn't pass tissue like i normally do during my periods and it also ****sorry if TMI right here**** didn't smell like a normal period did)
~headaches
~light headed at random moments (lasts maybe a minute or less)
~moodiness/crankiness for things that i never used to get upset about
~frequent urination
~increased thirst
~full/sore feeling boobs
~grown in size areolas
~white pimples/growth in the little tube thingys that grow around your areolas (forget what theyre called)
~nausea after EVERYTHING i eat (this morning got nauseous after eating toast and scrambled eggs with cheese which NEVER happens)
~heartburn (doesn't matter whether i eat spicy foods or not)
~sensitivity to smells (cigarette smoke seems extremely strong like when i was pregnant with our first and makes me want to puke)
~food aversions
~food cravings (last week i wanted a slice of a vlasic pickle out of the blue and i NEVER eat pickles, not even with my first pregnancy and i also hate eating tomatoes by themselves and i ate from a sliced tomato as well)
~go from hot to cold super fast and have periods where i should be cold but i feel hot
~my stomach is starting to firm up a little bit, but is still a little bit squishy around the middle (Master even felt it and said that it has changed)
~increase in vaginal discharge and sexual appetite
~incredibly tired(even more so despite working weird hours and having a baby it is more than that)
I just don't know what to think with having all those symptoms and add onto that just the indescribable feeling that i am pregnant. Since we started trying to have a baby (both times), i am very in tune with my body and with our first child i knew i was pregnant before the tests even did. The disheartening thing is that if i am pregnant, i would be a little over 6 weeks now and i still have not received a positive pregnancy test. There have been nights at work or at home that i have scoured the internet trying to find out if what i am feeling has happened and if it is possible to be pregnant with a negative blood and urine test. There are mixed results and at this point i don't know what to believe. Do i go with what is in my head or do i just ignore it and continue on none the wiser. If anyone has experienced this, id love for a good story out of all this. Its just hard feeling really pregnant but the tests don't show anything at all.
So on top of all of that, i have been feeling so unsubmissive lately, kind of like i have lost my submissive mojo. The house got so messy that our laundry was piled up and dishes were stacked up in the sink and let's just say it was very bad. Then last night was the first night that i was off work for my break and Master has been sick and i was supposed to be helping watch the baby so He could rest. Unfortunately in order to help Him, i also had to be able to have clean laundry and dishes and all that. The part that hurt me though was He seemed highly upset that i was cleaning the house and kept calling me a tornado because i would pop in and out of the bedroom putting this up and that up. On top of that, i was finally able to put the rest of our baby's things in the room instead of sitting in a corner in our bedroom. To me, it felt like things had gotten to a breaking point and i was just trying to get to where things were good again and our house looked like a normal house (lived in but it can be a little bit dirty). It just made me feel bad that i had to take care of the baby and He didn't get to sleep like He should, but at the same time i also had to clean up the house so we had clean clothes and clean dishes to eat from.
The other part that hurt was tonight Master was talking to me about playing my game on my phone. He was joking with me after i made the comment that i had been watching the baby that i had only watched the baby for about four hours and was implying that He does it all the time. It seemed that i was being called a bad mother because i go to work and school and then have to find time for homework and cleaning while spending time with Him and the baby. In my head, it hurt to hear Him say that but at the same time i know He was more than likely joking and not calling me a bad mom but it doesn't take away how i feel after hearing that. My emotions are completely out of wack right now and it just seemed like He was saying that i was a bad mother by not spending as much time as He does with the baby. The guilt just started to eat at me that i don't spend enough time with our baby and that i work so much and am i taking on too much by trying to get school done as well and then throw in time for homework. Lately i have tried putting off homework time just so i could spend time with Him and the baby after a long day at work and class. Am i taking on too much and should i put things on hold? The option of becoming a stay at home mom is not one for us because i am the one who supports all three of us so theres no way for me to just up and quit. Besides i cant just up and quit anyways because i am owned for the next three years. After that, its up to me if i want to move on or continue where i am.
Lately, Master and i have been working on getting to know someone to possible have a threesome and see where we go from there with. There has been one chick so far that i have talked to that i like and Master has about died laughing over the messages that we trade back and forth. It is going to be interesting to say the least when this first experience happens, but im looking forward to it. It is something that gets me out of my comfort zone and i know it is something that Master has only dreamed about. No offense, but no matter how much He denies it...i know any straight guy has a fantasy about having fun with two women at the same time. She seems really nice and only time will tell how things go. For now, we are making friends and seeing how things go from there.
The last thing on my mind is that i am CRAVING some time in the lifestyle, such as punishments and just being teased and played with and tied up and just everything about it. It has been a little while since i received a spanking, although that one i had asked for after taking a fitness test and failing it and on top of that i had cussed A LOT during the process because it hurt my legs a good bit and i am not allowed to cuss. So Master spanked me that night and it felt good and made me realize i miss getting a good spanking every now and then. Its just i know that Master has a lot on His plate and He spends His days taking care of the baby, but a part of me wants to ask for Him to really enforce the rules and for us to go back to square one with that. Where for me to learn the rules, any breaking of the rules results in a punishment whether its the same day or later when we get home. To me, it just feels like im getting away with a lot and i crave and need that structure back again(or just to feel like it has never gone away). I also need guidance when it comes to my schooling because i recently missed 5 due dates and it was a mistake on my part and the instructor but mostly mine. It sucked, but Master tried to help out and in my mind i should have gotten it done before the extra time allowed before it was late. Either way....i know Master is trying to help me and knew i missed the 4 videos, but i recently forgot a discussion in the same class so i am bracing myself for that. It was done, but i was unable to post it within the time frame because i kept putting off working on my homework because i have felt so tired/sick.
Master i am sorry when You read this if You get offended by things that i write, but this is how i have been feeling and why i have seemed mad/upset/agitated or whatever with You. In my head i have been trying to figure out how to put into words how i am feeling and for some reason i was finally able to tonight. Please Master, can you please bring me back to square one. Punish me if i mess up a rule (such as the one i set for myself that i HAD to keep up with the dishes and throwing away diapers and little things like that once i get home or wake up on my off days) or even every so often can i have a good girl spanking. My body craves Your touch and it longs to have You toy and play with it day after day. There are times that i shy away, but sometimes its because You play with me right before work and i cant play until late the next day(although that decision is not up to me as to whether i get played with or left wanting You and i see that now) and others its because i crave that control and feel like i just need You to ignore me pushing You away and grab me and just show me Your dominance. Please remind me what things are like and that things are still good because everything else around me is crashing down and this is the only thing that is still stable in my life is You and me and our dynamic together. Please Master remind me of my submission...control me, dominate me, bend me to Your will, whatever You choose. Most of all though, i just want to say that i love You and You are the most amazing man in the world. From the bottom of my heart, i apologize if i come off rude or mean or just upset/mad at You because im really not. Things are just in turmoil inside me right now and You are the one that helps make it all clear and unwind or be forgotten. You bring me back down to earth when it seems everything is crashing down and there is nothing left to do. You are my life and soul and i will cherish You for all time. Love you so much Master and again i hope this post does not upset You as i needed to find someway to express what was going on and that i am definitely NOT upset or mad at You.
So i guess since i am talking about something overwhelming me, it might be helpful to put out what it is that is actually overwhelming me to the point that i feel like i am distancing myself and want to scream into a pillow. For starters, the biggest part right is that i think i am pregnant again. There are the full blown symptoms occurring that are leading me to believe this, but as of today i have yet to see that positive test result. Yesterday was my second blood test, my first being two weeks ago today, and i have also taken numerous home pregnancy tests hoping for that positive test result. Not getting a positive on a blood test or a home pregnancy test but still experiencing these symptoms and just have that feeling that im pregnant is hard. It makes me feel like things are in my head and that im going crazy, but at the same time a part of me is trying to rationalize it. When i got the first negative, i had been having pregnancy symptoms for a few days but once i got the negative i put being pregnant out of my mind and told myself that Master and i would keep trying and it just wasn't meant to be for us to get pregnant that fast. However, after another week the symptoms were still there. Now i know that it is not from me wanting to be pregnant so bad that my body is actually making the symptoms happen because when i got that negative i told myself i wasn't pregnant and moved on.
With experiencing all that and still having pregnancy symptoms but negative tests leaves me confused and worried. Right now it is a guessing and waiting game to try and find someone to listen to me and check me by either an ultrasound or internal exam to verify that what i am feeling is true and that i am pregnant or tell me what the hell is going on and why im experiencing these pregnancy symptoms. I hate to be graphic here but these are all the symptoms that i at first tried to discount but as time continues and they get more frequent it is getting harder to ignore.
~lighter than normal period, both in flow and in color (also didn't pass tissue like i normally do during my periods and it also ****sorry if TMI right here**** didn't smell like a normal period did)
~headaches
~light headed at random moments (lasts maybe a minute or less)
~moodiness/crankiness for things that i never used to get upset about
~frequent urination
~increased thirst
~full/sore feeling boobs
~grown in size areolas
~white pimples/growth in the little tube thingys that grow around your areolas (forget what theyre called)
~nausea after EVERYTHING i eat (this morning got nauseous after eating toast and scrambled eggs with cheese which NEVER happens)
~heartburn (doesn't matter whether i eat spicy foods or not)
~sensitivity to smells (cigarette smoke seems extremely strong like when i was pregnant with our first and makes me want to puke)
~food aversions
~food cravings (last week i wanted a slice of a vlasic pickle out of the blue and i NEVER eat pickles, not even with my first pregnancy and i also hate eating tomatoes by themselves and i ate from a sliced tomato as well)
~go from hot to cold super fast and have periods where i should be cold but i feel hot
~my stomach is starting to firm up a little bit, but is still a little bit squishy around the middle (Master even felt it and said that it has changed)
~increase in vaginal discharge and sexual appetite
~incredibly tired(even more so despite working weird hours and having a baby it is more than that)
I just don't know what to think with having all those symptoms and add onto that just the indescribable feeling that i am pregnant. Since we started trying to have a baby (both times), i am very in tune with my body and with our first child i knew i was pregnant before the tests even did. The disheartening thing is that if i am pregnant, i would be a little over 6 weeks now and i still have not received a positive pregnancy test. There have been nights at work or at home that i have scoured the internet trying to find out if what i am feeling has happened and if it is possible to be pregnant with a negative blood and urine test. There are mixed results and at this point i don't know what to believe. Do i go with what is in my head or do i just ignore it and continue on none the wiser. If anyone has experienced this, id love for a good story out of all this. Its just hard feeling really pregnant but the tests don't show anything at all.
So on top of all of that, i have been feeling so unsubmissive lately, kind of like i have lost my submissive mojo. The house got so messy that our laundry was piled up and dishes were stacked up in the sink and let's just say it was very bad. Then last night was the first night that i was off work for my break and Master has been sick and i was supposed to be helping watch the baby so He could rest. Unfortunately in order to help Him, i also had to be able to have clean laundry and dishes and all that. The part that hurt me though was He seemed highly upset that i was cleaning the house and kept calling me a tornado because i would pop in and out of the bedroom putting this up and that up. On top of that, i was finally able to put the rest of our baby's things in the room instead of sitting in a corner in our bedroom. To me, it felt like things had gotten to a breaking point and i was just trying to get to where things were good again and our house looked like a normal house (lived in but it can be a little bit dirty). It just made me feel bad that i had to take care of the baby and He didn't get to sleep like He should, but at the same time i also had to clean up the house so we had clean clothes and clean dishes to eat from.
The other part that hurt was tonight Master was talking to me about playing my game on my phone. He was joking with me after i made the comment that i had been watching the baby that i had only watched the baby for about four hours and was implying that He does it all the time. It seemed that i was being called a bad mother because i go to work and school and then have to find time for homework and cleaning while spending time with Him and the baby. In my head, it hurt to hear Him say that but at the same time i know He was more than likely joking and not calling me a bad mom but it doesn't take away how i feel after hearing that. My emotions are completely out of wack right now and it just seemed like He was saying that i was a bad mother by not spending as much time as He does with the baby. The guilt just started to eat at me that i don't spend enough time with our baby and that i work so much and am i taking on too much by trying to get school done as well and then throw in time for homework. Lately i have tried putting off homework time just so i could spend time with Him and the baby after a long day at work and class. Am i taking on too much and should i put things on hold? The option of becoming a stay at home mom is not one for us because i am the one who supports all three of us so theres no way for me to just up and quit. Besides i cant just up and quit anyways because i am owned for the next three years. After that, its up to me if i want to move on or continue where i am.
Lately, Master and i have been working on getting to know someone to possible have a threesome and see where we go from there with. There has been one chick so far that i have talked to that i like and Master has about died laughing over the messages that we trade back and forth. It is going to be interesting to say the least when this first experience happens, but im looking forward to it. It is something that gets me out of my comfort zone and i know it is something that Master has only dreamed about. No offense, but no matter how much He denies it...i know any straight guy has a fantasy about having fun with two women at the same time. She seems really nice and only time will tell how things go. For now, we are making friends and seeing how things go from there.
The last thing on my mind is that i am CRAVING some time in the lifestyle, such as punishments and just being teased and played with and tied up and just everything about it. It has been a little while since i received a spanking, although that one i had asked for after taking a fitness test and failing it and on top of that i had cussed A LOT during the process because it hurt my legs a good bit and i am not allowed to cuss. So Master spanked me that night and it felt good and made me realize i miss getting a good spanking every now and then. Its just i know that Master has a lot on His plate and He spends His days taking care of the baby, but a part of me wants to ask for Him to really enforce the rules and for us to go back to square one with that. Where for me to learn the rules, any breaking of the rules results in a punishment whether its the same day or later when we get home. To me, it just feels like im getting away with a lot and i crave and need that structure back again(or just to feel like it has never gone away). I also need guidance when it comes to my schooling because i recently missed 5 due dates and it was a mistake on my part and the instructor but mostly mine. It sucked, but Master tried to help out and in my mind i should have gotten it done before the extra time allowed before it was late. Either way....i know Master is trying to help me and knew i missed the 4 videos, but i recently forgot a discussion in the same class so i am bracing myself for that. It was done, but i was unable to post it within the time frame because i kept putting off working on my homework because i have felt so tired/sick.
Master i am sorry when You read this if You get offended by things that i write, but this is how i have been feeling and why i have seemed mad/upset/agitated or whatever with You. In my head i have been trying to figure out how to put into words how i am feeling and for some reason i was finally able to tonight. Please Master, can you please bring me back to square one. Punish me if i mess up a rule (such as the one i set for myself that i HAD to keep up with the dishes and throwing away diapers and little things like that once i get home or wake up on my off days) or even every so often can i have a good girl spanking. My body craves Your touch and it longs to have You toy and play with it day after day. There are times that i shy away, but sometimes its because You play with me right before work and i cant play until late the next day(although that decision is not up to me as to whether i get played with or left wanting You and i see that now) and others its because i crave that control and feel like i just need You to ignore me pushing You away and grab me and just show me Your dominance. Please remind me what things are like and that things are still good because everything else around me is crashing down and this is the only thing that is still stable in my life is You and me and our dynamic together. Please Master remind me of my submission...control me, dominate me, bend me to Your will, whatever You choose. Most of all though, i just want to say that i love You and You are the most amazing man in the world. From the bottom of my heart, i apologize if i come off rude or mean or just upset/mad at You because im really not. Things are just in turmoil inside me right now and You are the one that helps make it all clear and unwind or be forgotten. You bring me back down to earth when it seems everything is crashing down and there is nothing left to do. You are my life and soul and i will cherish You for all time. Love you so much Master and again i hope this post does not upset You as i needed to find someway to express what was going on and that i am definitely NOT upset or mad at You.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Schedule of things for Master
So after posting last night about how i was feeling and what i was struggling with, i am following up with my plan to post here all my due dates for various things. This is so that no matter what, even if i cant hold myself accountable, i know that Master will do it for me. He will make sure that im not lying and saying something isnt due until the next day when im really trying to hurry and get it done so that He doesnt know. :/
January 22
cover Chemistry Chapter 2 (Bio)
January 23
learn telling time and Intentalo p.25 (Span)
January 24
cover Biological Molecules Chapter 3 (Biol)
January 28
Reading discussion 3 due (Itec)
Read Chapter 3-4 (Psyc)
Exam 1 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p1 #1-2, p3 #1-3, p4 #1, p5 #2, p6 #4-5, p7 #1-2, p8 #3 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p1 #1-2, p3 #1&4, p4 #3-4, p5 #1&5, p6 #1&3 (Span)
January 29
Exercise 2/Metric system (Biol lab)
cover Biological Molecules Chapter 3 (Biol)
January 30
cover Chapter 2 vocabulary (Span)
January 31
Exam 1 over Chapters 1-3 (Biol)
February 1
Discussions Chapters 1-4 due @10pm (Psyc)
February 2
Exam 1 over Chapters 1-4 due @ 1159pm (Psyc)
February 4
Video Assessments 1-4 due (Itec)
Read Chapter 6 (Psyc)
Chapter 2 Intentalo (Span)
February 5
Exercise 3/Microscope (Biol lab)
Quiz 1 (Biol lab)
Cover The Cell Chapter 4 (Biol)
February 6
Intentalo p56 & p64 (Span)
February 7
Cover The Cell Chapter 4 (Biol)
February 11
Reading discussion 4 due (Itec)
Intentalo p60 (Span)
February 12
Exercise 5/pH (Biol lab)
Cover Cellular Function Chapter 5 (Biol)
February 13
Exam 2 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p11 #2, p12 #3, p13 #2-3, p14 #4, p15 #2, p17 #1, p18 #3-4, p19#1-2 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p7 #1&3, p9 #1&4, p10 #1&4, p11 #1&3, p12 #2-3 (Span)
February 14
Cover Cellular Function Chapter 5 (Biol)
February 18
Reading discussion 5 due (Itec)
Read Chapter 7-8 (Psyc)
Cover Chapter 3 Vocabulary (Span)
February 19
Exercise 6/Life's Chemicals (Biol lab)
Quiz 2 (Biol lab)
Cover Cellular Respiration Chapter 6 (Biol)
February 20
Intentalo p90 (Span)
February 21
Cover Cellular Respiration Chapter 6 (Biol)
February 25
Video assessments 5-7 due (Itec)
Intentalo p 93 (Span)
February 26
Exercise 4/The Cell (Biol lab)
Exam 2 over Chapters 4-6 (Biol)
February 27
Intentalo p97 (Span)
February 28
Cover Photosynthesis Chapter 7 (Biol)
March 2
Exam 2 over Chapters 5-8 due at 1159pm (Psyc)
March 4
Essay Assignment due (Itec)
No class all week for Biol, Biol lab, Psyc, Span
March 11
Read Chapters 9-10 (Psyc)
Intentalo p101 (Span)
March 12
Exercise 9/Osmosis & Diffusion (Biol lab)
Quiz 3 (Biol lab)
Cover Photosynthesis Chapter 7 (Biol)
March 13
Exam 3 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p.23 #1, p24 #3, p25 #1-2, p26 #5, p27 #1-2, p28 #4&6, p29 #1-2, p30 #5, p31 #1-2 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p13 #1&3, p15 #4-5, p16 #1-2, p17 #1&4, p18 #4-5 (Span)
March 14
Cover Mitosis Chapter 8 (Biol)
March 18
Reading discussion 6 due (Itec)
cover Chapter 4 Vocabulary (Span)
March 19
Exercise 10/Membrane Stress (Biol lab)
Cover Meiosis Chapter 8 (Biol)
March 20
Intentalo p127 (Span)
March 21
cover Genetics Chapter 9 (Biol)
March 25
Reading discussion 7 due (Itec)
Read Chapters 11-12 (Psyc)
Intentalo p130 (Span)
March 26
Exercise 11/Enzymes (Biol lab)
Quiz 4 (Biol lab)
Cover Genetics Chapter 9 (Biol)
March 27
Intentalo p133 (Span)
March 28
Review (Biol)
April 1
Reading discussion 10 due (Itec)
Intentalo p137 (Span)
April 2
Exercise 14&15/Mitosis&Meiosis (Biol lab)
Exam 3 over Chapters 7-9 (Biol)
April 3
Exam 4 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p37 #1, p39 #1-2, p40 #3, p41 #1, p42 #3, p43 #1-2, p44 #5, p45 #1-2 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p19 #1&3, p21 #1&4, p22 #3, p23 #1&3, p24 #1&3 (Span)
April 4
Cover Molecular Biology of the Gene Chapter 10 (Biol)
April 6
Exam 3 over Chapters 9-12 due @ 1159pm (Psyc)
April 8
Video Assignments 8-10 due (Itec)
Read Chapters 15-16 (Psyc)
Cover Chapter 5 Vocabulary (Span)
April 9
TBA (Itec)
Handout/Genetics (Biol lab)
Quiz 5 (Biol lab)
Cover Molecular Biology of the Gene Chapter 10 (Biol)
April 10
Intentalo p164 (Span)
April 11
Cover Genetic Regulation Chapter 11 (Biol)
April 15
Oral presentation due (Itec)
April 16
Final (Biol lab)
Cover Genetic Regulation Chapter 11 (Biol)
April 17
Intentalo p175 (Span)
April 18
Cover DNA Technology Chapter 12 (Biol)
April 22
Video assessments 11-12 due (Itec)
Course summary (Psyc)
Intentalo p171 (Span)
April 23
No class (Biol lab)
Cover DNA Technology Chapter 12 (Biol)
April 24
All assignments due for grading (Itec)
Exam 5 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p49 #2, p50 #5, p51 #1, p52 #3, p53 #1-2, p54 #2, p55 #3, p56 #1 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p25 #1&4, p27 #1&4, p28 #1&4, p29 #1&5, p30 #1 (Span)
April 25
Cover Evolution Chapter 13 (Biol)
April 29
Course summary (Psyc)
Oral Exam (Span)
April 30
Review (Biol)
May 4
Exam 4 over Chapters 13-16 due at 1159pm (Psyc)
May 7
Final exam over Chapters 10-13 (Biol)
January 22
cover Chemistry Chapter 2 (Bio)
January 23
learn telling time and Intentalo p.25 (Span)
January 24
cover Biological Molecules Chapter 3 (Biol)
January 28
Reading discussion 3 due (Itec)
Read Chapter 3-4 (Psyc)
Exam 1 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p1 #1-2, p3 #1-3, p4 #1, p5 #2, p6 #4-5, p7 #1-2, p8 #3 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p1 #1-2, p3 #1&4, p4 #3-4, p5 #1&5, p6 #1&3 (Span)
January 29
Exercise 2/Metric system (Biol lab)
cover Biological Molecules Chapter 3 (Biol)
January 30
cover Chapter 2 vocabulary (Span)
January 31
Exam 1 over Chapters 1-3 (Biol)
February 1
Discussions Chapters 1-4 due @10pm (Psyc)
February 2
Exam 1 over Chapters 1-4 due @ 1159pm (Psyc)
February 4
Video Assessments 1-4 due (Itec)
Read Chapter 6 (Psyc)
Chapter 2 Intentalo (Span)
February 5
Exercise 3/Microscope (Biol lab)
Quiz 1 (Biol lab)
Cover The Cell Chapter 4 (Biol)
February 6
Intentalo p56 & p64 (Span)
February 7
Cover The Cell Chapter 4 (Biol)
February 11
Reading discussion 4 due (Itec)
Intentalo p60 (Span)
February 12
Exercise 5/pH (Biol lab)
Cover Cellular Function Chapter 5 (Biol)
February 13
Exam 2 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p11 #2, p12 #3, p13 #2-3, p14 #4, p15 #2, p17 #1, p18 #3-4, p19#1-2 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p7 #1&3, p9 #1&4, p10 #1&4, p11 #1&3, p12 #2-3 (Span)
February 14
Cover Cellular Function Chapter 5 (Biol)
February 18
Reading discussion 5 due (Itec)
Read Chapter 7-8 (Psyc)
Cover Chapter 3 Vocabulary (Span)
February 19
Exercise 6/Life's Chemicals (Biol lab)
Quiz 2 (Biol lab)
Cover Cellular Respiration Chapter 6 (Biol)
February 20
Intentalo p90 (Span)
February 21
Cover Cellular Respiration Chapter 6 (Biol)
February 25
Video assessments 5-7 due (Itec)
Intentalo p 93 (Span)
February 26
Exercise 4/The Cell (Biol lab)
Exam 2 over Chapters 4-6 (Biol)
February 27
Intentalo p97 (Span)
February 28
Cover Photosynthesis Chapter 7 (Biol)
March 2
Exam 2 over Chapters 5-8 due at 1159pm (Psyc)
March 4
Essay Assignment due (Itec)
No class all week for Biol, Biol lab, Psyc, Span
March 11
Read Chapters 9-10 (Psyc)
Intentalo p101 (Span)
March 12
Exercise 9/Osmosis & Diffusion (Biol lab)
Quiz 3 (Biol lab)
Cover Photosynthesis Chapter 7 (Biol)
March 13
Exam 3 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p.23 #1, p24 #3, p25 #1-2, p26 #5, p27 #1-2, p28 #4&6, p29 #1-2, p30 #5, p31 #1-2 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p13 #1&3, p15 #4-5, p16 #1-2, p17 #1&4, p18 #4-5 (Span)
March 14
Cover Mitosis Chapter 8 (Biol)
March 18
Reading discussion 6 due (Itec)
cover Chapter 4 Vocabulary (Span)
March 19
Exercise 10/Membrane Stress (Biol lab)
Cover Meiosis Chapter 8 (Biol)
March 20
Intentalo p127 (Span)
March 21
cover Genetics Chapter 9 (Biol)
March 25
Reading discussion 7 due (Itec)
Read Chapters 11-12 (Psyc)
Intentalo p130 (Span)
March 26
Exercise 11/Enzymes (Biol lab)
Quiz 4 (Biol lab)
Cover Genetics Chapter 9 (Biol)
March 27
Intentalo p133 (Span)
March 28
Review (Biol)
April 1
Reading discussion 10 due (Itec)
Intentalo p137 (Span)
April 2
Exercise 14&15/Mitosis&Meiosis (Biol lab)
Exam 3 over Chapters 7-9 (Biol)
April 3
Exam 4 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p37 #1, p39 #1-2, p40 #3, p41 #1, p42 #3, p43 #1-2, p44 #5, p45 #1-2 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p19 #1&3, p21 #1&4, p22 #3, p23 #1&3, p24 #1&3 (Span)
April 4
Cover Molecular Biology of the Gene Chapter 10 (Biol)
April 6
Exam 3 over Chapters 9-12 due @ 1159pm (Psyc)
April 8
Video Assignments 8-10 due (Itec)
Read Chapters 15-16 (Psyc)
Cover Chapter 5 Vocabulary (Span)
April 9
TBA (Itec)
Handout/Genetics (Biol lab)
Quiz 5 (Biol lab)
Cover Molecular Biology of the Gene Chapter 10 (Biol)
April 10
Intentalo p164 (Span)
April 11
Cover Genetic Regulation Chapter 11 (Biol)
April 15
Oral presentation due (Itec)
April 16
Final (Biol lab)
Cover Genetic Regulation Chapter 11 (Biol)
April 17
Intentalo p175 (Span)
April 18
Cover DNA Technology Chapter 12 (Biol)
April 22
Video assessments 11-12 due (Itec)
Course summary (Psyc)
Intentalo p171 (Span)
April 23
No class (Biol lab)
Cover DNA Technology Chapter 12 (Biol)
April 24
All assignments due for grading (Itec)
Exam 5 (Span)
Workbook pages due: p49 #2, p50 #5, p51 #1, p52 #3, p53 #1-2, p54 #2, p55 #3, p56 #1 (Span)
Lab manual pages due: p25 #1&4, p27 #1&4, p28 #1&4, p29 #1&5, p30 #1 (Span)
April 25
Cover Evolution Chapter 13 (Biol)
April 29
Course summary (Psyc)
Oral Exam (Span)
April 30
Review (Biol)
May 4
Exam 4 over Chapters 13-16 due at 1159pm (Psyc)
May 7
Final exam over Chapters 10-13 (Biol)
Monday, January 21, 2013
Ramblings going around in my brain.......
So today has left me thinking a lot more than normal. As usual there is so many things rattling around in my brain, but after last night i find that i need to get these out and also let Master know how i am feeling. We had a session together last night and it felt amazing hearing Him whisper in my ear how much of a slut i was and just how well i knew the position to get into when He flipped me over onto my back.
Master and i have had our fair share of ups and downs over these past few years. Lately it seems that my head keeps spinning more and more back to the lifestyle and having more experience in it. My heart and mind feel a little lost because it has been a slow return back things. Granted we had a baby and have had to modify things, but i thought that once the baby went in their own room that things would kind of start getting back to normal. A part of me is wondering if i can ask Master if it is possible to start from the beginning(not like where i was under consideration or anything like that) or just have some time together every night. We only get a few nights together by ourselves and the rest i am usually working. At the same time, the other part of me is wondering if it is better to ask for just the time and if it is possible to do more accountability for breaking rules and things along those lines.
Master has a lot asked of Him from me and i feel truly sorry that i always seem to ask/kind of demand so much from Him. It is hard to explain just how isolated i feel at times because i dont really know but a couple people here and there is only one person that is in the lifestyle that i have met around here. It sucks not really knowing people and i wonder if there are others that i can get to know and maybe hang out with. A part of me wonders if that is what really is wrong with me is that i just need some friendship outside of just me and Master. The one friend that i know is very busy most of the time and we have only hung out once so far.
Reading back through my first few blogs, i found myself wanting to experience that again. If i did something wrong while we were out, Master gave me a spanking when we got back later that night or would save up a few punishments and then give me one for all that i had done wrong. Understandably Master has a lot on His plate lately because He is playing daddy and everything else for our baby and taking care of me when i get sick, so things with the lifestyle have been put on hold. Right now though i feel that holding onto the hope of everything between us is what keeps me going. The lifestyle is who i am and Master being in charge of me helps keep me going when the times get tough. Despite all this, i feel that things have kind of been pushed to the back burner because of me feeling sick at times or because of the baby. Now that things are at a place where we can reestablish the lifestyle in our bedroom, i want to take charge of it. My body is craving a spanking and just Master showing just how much of the Master He is in our lifestyle.
Lately i have been dressing up for Master and it has helped me realize that i need the submissive side of me back. For the first time ever i felt sexy and just amazing like Master thought i was hot. Before doing this for Master, i had never felt hot before. There is the need and desire to be put into position(old injuries can flare up but its nothing that ice or biofreeze cant cure) and played with and teased for hours on end as His toy like i am. Our house always looks like a disaster and yes there are times that i am busy or dont feel good, but there are times where i know that i could clean up everything i just dont feel like it. Master is an amazing man and i dont want to put too much pressure on Him so it is hard to ask Him for things like this. He does so much already from starting dinner to taking care of our baby while im sleeping after getting home from work or working on school work and sometimes cleaning up the house or the kitchen. It is my job to do all of this and i know there is time for me to do it, if i just had help with things. In my heart, i know that we can go back to actively being in the lifestyle and that it will take some modifications but we can do it. I'd like to be held accountable for ensuring the kitchen is cleaned every night, the baby's bottles are washed out every night/day, the bathroom is kept clean(clean toilet and shower at least every other week), mop the floor in the house and vacuum up the dog hair when it is piling up because i know i can do it in between my classes and work because it is not impossible and there is plenty of time between the two and i know that i will still be spending time with Master and our baby because like He says if im in the house/same room with them, then i am definitely spending time with them no matter what i might think.
This is hard for me to do because i am very stubborn and hard headed, but im going to post soon a copy of everything that i have to do and dates due so that Master knows for sure. He doesnt have the schedule or planner book that i have because it stays with me, but there are times i just dont feel like working on my school work or studying and i know that i should be doing it but i blow it off. By posting all that for Master, i am showing Him what is due when and there is no way of getting around it. He will be able to access it whenever and that way He knows when i have a test coming up and when i need to study a little extra since i have a hard time asking for help and am very stubborn. My grades are important to both Master and i and i have to do as well as i can to get into the next level of schooling to achieve my bachelor's degree.
On a side note, i got a letter in the mail the other day and waited to open it until i got home to Master. Come to find out, it was a letter from my college saying that i had been invited to join the honor society at my local college. It is crazy to think that after only 3 semesters i have made it into the honor society and fulfilled a promise that i made to my parents. Years ago i had told them that i was going to make the honor society and that it would be done just the same way that one of them had. It was crazy to think that i made it on top of being stuck in the hospital on bed rest and with a newborn baby at home (all with Master's help of course). It made me feel sooooo proud knowing that i made Him proud by making this honor society and doing my best. Between that and sticking it out through work one night while i was super sick was the best feeling in the world to hear Him say that He was proud of me and that i had done well. There are no words to describe.
So there is something else that i have to add that i have been thinking about as well that i havent really ever mentioned to Master before. Lately i have been reading and i have gotten more curious about what it would be like for me to experience doing anything with another girl. Before i met Master, i had been adamant that i wanted nothing to do with another female. The stories i have been reading lately have me thinking that maybe i was a little too quick to put myself into a box and say that i wanted nothing to do with another female. A part of me is very curious as to what Master would think once He reads this. He has joked about it and if He wanted to, He could have had any other female that He wanted with me because i had not made it a hard limit but He had chose not to. Now though, it is more the curiosity is killing the cat and i think that maybe a part of it is part of my bucket list to do it. A huge part of myself is highly curious as to what it would be like to have another girl with Master and Him enjoying Himself with both of us. To me, i would like to actually try this with Master if He feels that it is something that He has wanted to try too. I mean nowadays, who actually gets told by their wife that they want to have a threesome with their husband. It is definitely going to be interesting seeing His face when He reads this section of the blog. That will be for another time for me to post further details as to if anything comes out of it and if i ever do experience something like this.
Well anyways, this is how i have been feeling and conveying it to Master. Granted it's not the same as telling Him face to face, but He knows that when something is rattling around in my brain, it is far easier to put down in writing then tell Him because ive not always been one to say what is on my mind. Wish me luck :)
Master and i have had our fair share of ups and downs over these past few years. Lately it seems that my head keeps spinning more and more back to the lifestyle and having more experience in it. My heart and mind feel a little lost because it has been a slow return back things. Granted we had a baby and have had to modify things, but i thought that once the baby went in their own room that things would kind of start getting back to normal. A part of me is wondering if i can ask Master if it is possible to start from the beginning(not like where i was under consideration or anything like that) or just have some time together every night. We only get a few nights together by ourselves and the rest i am usually working. At the same time, the other part of me is wondering if it is better to ask for just the time and if it is possible to do more accountability for breaking rules and things along those lines.
Master has a lot asked of Him from me and i feel truly sorry that i always seem to ask/kind of demand so much from Him. It is hard to explain just how isolated i feel at times because i dont really know but a couple people here and there is only one person that is in the lifestyle that i have met around here. It sucks not really knowing people and i wonder if there are others that i can get to know and maybe hang out with. A part of me wonders if that is what really is wrong with me is that i just need some friendship outside of just me and Master. The one friend that i know is very busy most of the time and we have only hung out once so far.
Reading back through my first few blogs, i found myself wanting to experience that again. If i did something wrong while we were out, Master gave me a spanking when we got back later that night or would save up a few punishments and then give me one for all that i had done wrong. Understandably Master has a lot on His plate lately because He is playing daddy and everything else for our baby and taking care of me when i get sick, so things with the lifestyle have been put on hold. Right now though i feel that holding onto the hope of everything between us is what keeps me going. The lifestyle is who i am and Master being in charge of me helps keep me going when the times get tough. Despite all this, i feel that things have kind of been pushed to the back burner because of me feeling sick at times or because of the baby. Now that things are at a place where we can reestablish the lifestyle in our bedroom, i want to take charge of it. My body is craving a spanking and just Master showing just how much of the Master He is in our lifestyle. This is hard for me to do because i am very stubborn and hard headed, but im going to post soon a copy of everything that i have to do and dates due so that Master knows for sure. He doesnt have the schedule or planner book that i have because it stays with me, but there are times i just dont feel like working on my school work or studying and i know that i should be doing it but i blow it off. By posting all that for Master, i am showing Him what is due when and there is no way of getting around it. He will be able to access it whenever and that way He knows when i have a test coming up and when i need to study a little extra since i have a hard time asking for help and am very stubborn. My grades are important to both Master and i and i have to do as well as i can to get into the next level of schooling to achieve my bachelor's degree.
On a side note, i got a letter in the mail the other day and waited to open it until i got home to Master. Come to find out, it was a letter from my college saying that i had been invited to join the honor society at my local college. It is crazy to think that after only 3 semesters i have made it into the honor society and fulfilled a promise that i made to my parents. Years ago i had told them that i was going to make the honor society and that it would be done just the same way that one of them had. It was crazy to think that i made it on top of being stuck in the hospital on bed rest and with a newborn baby at home (all with Master's help of course). It made me feel sooooo proud knowing that i made Him proud by making this honor society and doing my best. Between that and sticking it out through work one night while i was super sick was the best feeling in the world to hear Him say that He was proud of me and that i had done well. There are no words to describe.
So there is something else that i have to add that i have been thinking about as well that i havent really ever mentioned to Master before. Lately i have been reading and i have gotten more curious about what it would be like for me to experience doing anything with another girl. Before i met Master, i had been adamant that i wanted nothing to do with another female. The stories i have been reading lately have me thinking that maybe i was a little too quick to put myself into a box and say that i wanted nothing to do with another female. A part of me is very curious as to what Master would think once He reads this. He has joked about it and if He wanted to, He could have had any other female that He wanted with me because i had not made it a hard limit but He had chose not to. Now though, it is more the curiosity is killing the cat and i think that maybe a part of it is part of my bucket list to do it. A huge part of myself is highly curious as to what it would be like to have another girl with Master and Him enjoying Himself with both of us. To me, i would like to actually try this with Master if He feels that it is something that He has wanted to try too. I mean nowadays, who actually gets told by their wife that they want to have a threesome with their husband. It is definitely going to be interesting seeing His face when He reads this section of the blog. That will be for another time for me to post further details as to if anything comes out of it and if i ever do experience something like this. 
a collar that i would like to get to be able to wear for both my work and at home because my original collar from Master is too small for me to wear because i gained weight when i got sick :( :( :(
more toys but thats for another night ;)
more toys but thats for another night ;)
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Torn Emotions and Thoughts?
So today i find myself in turmoil with my emotions and trying to figure out what to do. The most prevalent emotion that im feeling though is happiness from today and being around Hubby. It is our two year anniversary and i can hardly contain myself! It has been a rocky two years full of ups and downs and just getting through life's challenges. He is the most amazing man in the world and has helped get me personally through so many things from the issues we had with our daughter to my crisis of thinking that i wasnt feeling submissive anymore. He has stuck by my side and never once tried to leave me. Sadly, i will admit that there was a time that i was threatened with being put back under his consideration, but i have not had that happen since that dreadful day. :( That is a day im choosing to forget and am not going into detail about it. Anyways, back to the whole two year thing. It is hard to believe that Hubby and i have been married two years and it feels like it hasnt even been a day since we got married. The two of us are first and foremost best friends before we got into a relationship, especially with one involving the lifestyle. He was told all about my reservations and how i was hesitant and had bad issues in the past, especially with someone who was very active in the lifestyle (that one was revealed a little bit later into the relationship just because it was hard to talk about and only when i was forced to take a sexual assault class and it came rearing its ugly head up did i realize i needed Him more than ever). He took me in with all my flaws and talents and quirks and everything and still wanted to be with me. Everyday is amazing that i spend with Him and i know that no matter what, the two of us will always survive in this life because somehow things always tend to work themselves out.
Well happiness isnt the only emotion rolling around in my head. Lately Hubby has had to deal with a VERY moody and emotional lil one because just recently my grandmother passed away. She had been fighting with cancer and lost the battle. To be honest, i had felt that i had come to terms with it, but hearing the news of her passing after leaving that day and saying goodbye one last time really hurt. It hurts knowing that she isnt here to share future holidays with our family and wont see our baby grow up and just miss out on a lot of things with the family. She still had a lot of life to live and it seemed like it was cut short. Plus at the same time she seemed to be doing so well and it was like all of a sudden that she went downhill over night. From the day i got the news that she was dying, it was close to three days later that she passed away. It is honestly the hardest thing i have had to experience to have to tell someone that you love goodbye. Right now, i am not as emotionally sad as i was, but that is partially because i am keeping myself distracted by focusing on everything but her passing. Bad way to go about my grieving process i know, but i just cant handle it right now.
Last but not least i had another tugging at my heart or brain or whatever it is you want to call it. Tonight i was watching a movie and in it there were some orphans and to sum it up they got a happy ending of a home. For the longest time i have been toying around in my head with the idea that i wanted to adopt a child even if i could have my own because i always wanted to help at least one child feel the love of a family that they may never know. It has been my wish to do this ever since i could remember because when i was younger, i was adopted by my stepdad into his family and given his name. Granted it's not the same as adopting someone who has no parents out of the states system, but i really would like to do that for at least one child. Watching that movie tonight, i keep feeling like i am meant to do this and keep feeling a strong tug towards this way. Hubby and i have plans for future child(ren) but i dont know how He would feel about this. In the past i have joked about it, i think, but now i feel more and more that i would like to adopt a child just to give one the love that the two of us have. There is no doubt that i know He will be an amazing father because He already is to our baby and i know that He would love to have a son or another child to share that love with. For Him, children are the only weakness. He hates to see them hurting, so i know He probably doesnt like the idea of a kid facing years in the foster care system if it was possible for us to give them a home. However, how do you even begin to go thinking about a process like this? Its not something that you jump into lightly, but at the same time i know in my heart that it is something that i desperately want to do. I know that we have the means to take care of another child, but it is the matter of going about doing it. My worry is that Master wouldnt want to do something like this, but i know also that it takes some time to consider something like this, especially since this is the first time that im bringing it up and im sure that He will read about it in here. There have been prayers said about this before and i will continue to pray as to whether this is really what im being called to do, but i have a strong feeling that it is.
So aside from that, it has been a long week for sure. Hubby and i are ready to celebrate the holiday with our family and it is going to be exciting to see what everyone got for everyone. We will update and things continue and if anyone reading this is the praying type, i ask that you pray for my family for healing, especially for my parents after my grandmothers passing and that we will get a clear answer as to the adoption process. I know that even if i feel it is the right thing to do, Hubby has to agree to it as well and i have not seriously talked with Him about it before so i will definitely need prayers for that too! Well good bye for now, it is off to enjoy the rest of the night of our anniversary with Hubby while we have a sleeping baby.
Well happiness isnt the only emotion rolling around in my head. Lately Hubby has had to deal with a VERY moody and emotional lil one because just recently my grandmother passed away. She had been fighting with cancer and lost the battle. To be honest, i had felt that i had come to terms with it, but hearing the news of her passing after leaving that day and saying goodbye one last time really hurt. It hurts knowing that she isnt here to share future holidays with our family and wont see our baby grow up and just miss out on a lot of things with the family. She still had a lot of life to live and it seemed like it was cut short. Plus at the same time she seemed to be doing so well and it was like all of a sudden that she went downhill over night. From the day i got the news that she was dying, it was close to three days later that she passed away. It is honestly the hardest thing i have had to experience to have to tell someone that you love goodbye. Right now, i am not as emotionally sad as i was, but that is partially because i am keeping myself distracted by focusing on everything but her passing. Bad way to go about my grieving process i know, but i just cant handle it right now.
Last but not least i had another tugging at my heart or brain or whatever it is you want to call it. Tonight i was watching a movie and in it there were some orphans and to sum it up they got a happy ending of a home. For the longest time i have been toying around in my head with the idea that i wanted to adopt a child even if i could have my own because i always wanted to help at least one child feel the love of a family that they may never know. It has been my wish to do this ever since i could remember because when i was younger, i was adopted by my stepdad into his family and given his name. Granted it's not the same as adopting someone who has no parents out of the states system, but i really would like to do that for at least one child. Watching that movie tonight, i keep feeling like i am meant to do this and keep feeling a strong tug towards this way. Hubby and i have plans for future child(ren) but i dont know how He would feel about this. In the past i have joked about it, i think, but now i feel more and more that i would like to adopt a child just to give one the love that the two of us have. There is no doubt that i know He will be an amazing father because He already is to our baby and i know that He would love to have a son or another child to share that love with. For Him, children are the only weakness. He hates to see them hurting, so i know He probably doesnt like the idea of a kid facing years in the foster care system if it was possible for us to give them a home. However, how do you even begin to go thinking about a process like this? Its not something that you jump into lightly, but at the same time i know in my heart that it is something that i desperately want to do. I know that we have the means to take care of another child, but it is the matter of going about doing it. My worry is that Master wouldnt want to do something like this, but i know also that it takes some time to consider something like this, especially since this is the first time that im bringing it up and im sure that He will read about it in here. There have been prayers said about this before and i will continue to pray as to whether this is really what im being called to do, but i have a strong feeling that it is.
So aside from that, it has been a long week for sure. Hubby and i are ready to celebrate the holiday with our family and it is going to be exciting to see what everyone got for everyone. We will update and things continue and if anyone reading this is the praying type, i ask that you pray for my family for healing, especially for my parents after my grandmothers passing and that we will get a clear answer as to the adoption process. I know that even if i feel it is the right thing to do, Hubby has to agree to it as well and i have not seriously talked with Him about it before so i will definitely need prayers for that too! Well good bye for now, it is off to enjoy the rest of the night of our anniversary with Hubby while we have a sleeping baby.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
No longer submissive?
Is it true that you can feel like you are no longer submissive anymore? If it is, then i feel this way. It seems that life has taken a huge chunk out of things and left me feeling cheated in a way. Everything else gets put onto my plate to deal with and i am expected to keep going as if nothing happened. Lately i have had to deal with finding out that one of my family members has stage 4 cancer in their lungs, lymph nodes, adrenal glands, and colon. The news isnt the greatest and the prognosis from what i looked up is a few months to maybe a year or so at the most. Add onto that being majorly homesick, dealing with being sick and work not playing nice(major part of my frustrations) and just everything in general and thats a lot to handle for one person. It feels as if i am the one that should shoulder everything and keep on going.
How do you handle dealing with all these issues and still keep your submissive side. Between work, school, mommy duties, i feel there isnt really anything left for submissive me. At the end of the day, Master and i are both exhausted and there isnt really anytime for us. Our needs have been put to the way side and occasionally we have a few minutes for some adult time together, but there isnt really any time for Master and submissive. There have been no new positions, no play times in a good little bit, and just nothing really to do with the lifestyle. Now in the past Master and i have said that if it wasnt in our life we could live without it, but i dont feel that i can live without it. It is a strong part of who i am and i feel utterly and completely lost without it.
When i first got into the lifestyle, i found that i could go without it when i tried denying who i really was and go with a total vanilla relationship. Then before i had really gotten to know what the lifestyle was about, i was able to live without it and there was no need for me to really deal with the lifestyle or dabble in it. However, now that i have lived it and know what it is like i love it and know that i cant live without it. There is just something about it that calms and centers me and brings me back to reality when things get to be too much. Master knows just what to do when it seems that in my head so much is put onto my shoulders and i feel like i cant handle it all and am getting close to a mental breakdown. With my sickness, Master has been more careful but i feel that im suffering due to it. There is this soooo strong pull in me that is craving the lifestyle. Before i had our baby, Master couldnt keep His hands off me and would play with me and little things like that, but now it seems few and far between that this happens. The only good thing is that when i walk naked into the room to change after starting laundry, He automatically diverts His attention from the tv to me.
My feelings are so mixed and overwhelmed with everything that i feel like my own self is fading. I feel my submissive side is fading, although Master has made occasional comments about how He has me trained right. I guess its just that a part of me wishes we had more time to spend as just Master and submissive, although i wouldnt give up being a mommy for all the money in the world. Maybe it is time that Master and i invest in a babysitter or ask someone to watch our little one for a few hours so that we can have fun with each other whatever that may be. Maybe i need some submissive friends that i can meet up with and talk openly with, although around here theres not many people. It makes me nervous to talk to new people, but at the same time i want to find someone that understands being parents and that sometimes we cant drop everything. Honestly, i just wish i knew what i needed. Maybe i will try finding some new friends and trying to talk to Master about this issue. This is the first time since me and Him have met that i have felt like i am losing my submissiveness and that i dont want to lose that with Him and ALWAYS want Him to be my Master.
If anyone has gone through this, please feel free to give me some advice because i really do need it right now. I feel like im struggling to stay afloat and i need to just feel better somehow.
How do you handle dealing with all these issues and still keep your submissive side. Between work, school, mommy duties, i feel there isnt really anything left for submissive me. At the end of the day, Master and i are both exhausted and there isnt really anytime for us. Our needs have been put to the way side and occasionally we have a few minutes for some adult time together, but there isnt really any time for Master and submissive. There have been no new positions, no play times in a good little bit, and just nothing really to do with the lifestyle. Now in the past Master and i have said that if it wasnt in our life we could live without it, but i dont feel that i can live without it. It is a strong part of who i am and i feel utterly and completely lost without it.
When i first got into the lifestyle, i found that i could go without it when i tried denying who i really was and go with a total vanilla relationship. Then before i had really gotten to know what the lifestyle was about, i was able to live without it and there was no need for me to really deal with the lifestyle or dabble in it. However, now that i have lived it and know what it is like i love it and know that i cant live without it. There is just something about it that calms and centers me and brings me back to reality when things get to be too much. Master knows just what to do when it seems that in my head so much is put onto my shoulders and i feel like i cant handle it all and am getting close to a mental breakdown. With my sickness, Master has been more careful but i feel that im suffering due to it. There is this soooo strong pull in me that is craving the lifestyle. Before i had our baby, Master couldnt keep His hands off me and would play with me and little things like that, but now it seems few and far between that this happens. The only good thing is that when i walk naked into the room to change after starting laundry, He automatically diverts His attention from the tv to me.
My feelings are so mixed and overwhelmed with everything that i feel like my own self is fading. I feel my submissive side is fading, although Master has made occasional comments about how He has me trained right. I guess its just that a part of me wishes we had more time to spend as just Master and submissive, although i wouldnt give up being a mommy for all the money in the world. Maybe it is time that Master and i invest in a babysitter or ask someone to watch our little one for a few hours so that we can have fun with each other whatever that may be. Maybe i need some submissive friends that i can meet up with and talk openly with, although around here theres not many people. It makes me nervous to talk to new people, but at the same time i want to find someone that understands being parents and that sometimes we cant drop everything. Honestly, i just wish i knew what i needed. Maybe i will try finding some new friends and trying to talk to Master about this issue. This is the first time since me and Him have met that i have felt like i am losing my submissiveness and that i dont want to lose that with Him and ALWAYS want Him to be my Master.
If anyone has gone through this, please feel free to give me some advice because i really do need it right now. I feel like im struggling to stay afloat and i need to just feel better somehow.
Whats going on with me?
I dont even know what is going on with me anymore. There is this feeling that there is a little monster eating inside of me. Between dealing with work and my duties as being a mom and lil one to Master and just taking care of everything, i feel disconnected. It feels like something is off and im doing things that i never would have done before. There are thoughts and feelings surfacing in me that i cant hide, but i dont want to voice them out loud because its not how i really feel. My emotions are all over the map, one second i feel like having an outburst and the next my emotions have me wanting to bawl my eyes out. Why do i feel so not myself anymore and out of whack?
Things with Master and i have kind of taken a back seat with everything going on. He has created a play night for a couple of nights, but it didnt seem long enough to me. Its not that im wanting something to last 24/7 or anything, but i feel that me and Master dont get anytime to ourselves unless the lil one is asleep and even still we have to make sure she isnt waking up or anything along those lines.
The major disconnect that i feel is with myself as a submissive to Master. Tonight He asked me to do the dishes and i told Him that i would do them in a little bit. He proceeded to take care of the dishes and while He was doing that our lil one woke up so i was taking care of her and feeding her and changing her. He did the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and went to wash the bottles for our lil one to have some clean bottles. The whole time (i feel horrible for even thinking this and im sure this will upset Him) i was thinking in my head that now He sees what i go through in trying to keep up with everything and work and school. Its not in my nature to ask for help because im stubborn like that, but i felt mean because i was thinking He finally saw just how much there is to do with taking care of everything. There is no excuse for thinking like this, especially about Master because He bends over backwards to help me, but He has taught me to always be honest on here. This blog is my means of expressing myself and what im thinking and feeling so i wont hold back.
Lately i havent faced any kind of punishment although Master has threatened me with it a few times. Its not that i want or crave a spanking or anything because i hate them, but at the same time i need to be punished. We have another bedroom to use that Master can spank me in or even the living room. My thoughts seem to fall on that if i do something bad, there isnt a consequence for it right now. Now for this, Master may be planning in his head just how many hits i should get at a later date but to me it feels like im getting away with murder. He gives me leeway because of me being sick and tired from work, but at the same time there are times where i should get in trouble for not doing things (especially my days off).
Tonight after feeding our little one, i went into the kitchen so we could see what He was doing and the both of us were ignored. It hurt because i can tell that He is mad at me, but i dont know why. These things i do on a regular basis as well as take care of our daughter while He just watches tv and takes care of her as im doing some things. Today finally felt that He saw my side of things and that He could be understanding when i want to get things done all at once or leave them for a little bit later to spend time with the two of them. He didnt have to do these things, but He did them because He wanted to. Between today and tomorrow i was planning a mass cleanup but it was already taken care of. It left me feeling thankful that he did these things for me, but to get mad or upset with me for the most recent thing is weird in my opinion. Thats just me though.
Anyways....i dont feel like a submissive anymore, even though i still am. With no punishments and very little play time,i honestly feel like my submissive self is fading by the way side. My former self has already disappeared and i dont want to lose this either. This is who i am and i feel like im losing myself because there isnt really a lot with it anymore. Granted i know things change when you have a kid, but at the same time i feel that we need time for just us. We have argued about things that we shouldnt have argued about and things have been let slide that shouldnt have been let slide. Maybe i need to get used to this, but im not sure. It seemed that the new set of rules we agreed upon were going to work, but they have been broken so many times that i just dont know. The only thing i have really gotten punished for was when i missed a couple of assignments and Master wasnt very happy about it.
For now, i guess that i will work on being a better submissive and a little more understanding of how things are working and that Master has to balance things and will do things in His own time. It is not about what i want and i need to realize that yet again....it is about Master and His desires and needs being fulfilled, then mine and our little ones. Until then, i will work at being a better submissive because right now i dont feel that im being a very good submissive at all :(
Things with Master and i have kind of taken a back seat with everything going on. He has created a play night for a couple of nights, but it didnt seem long enough to me. Its not that im wanting something to last 24/7 or anything, but i feel that me and Master dont get anytime to ourselves unless the lil one is asleep and even still we have to make sure she isnt waking up or anything along those lines.
The major disconnect that i feel is with myself as a submissive to Master. Tonight He asked me to do the dishes and i told Him that i would do them in a little bit. He proceeded to take care of the dishes and while He was doing that our lil one woke up so i was taking care of her and feeding her and changing her. He did the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and went to wash the bottles for our lil one to have some clean bottles. The whole time (i feel horrible for even thinking this and im sure this will upset Him) i was thinking in my head that now He sees what i go through in trying to keep up with everything and work and school. Its not in my nature to ask for help because im stubborn like that, but i felt mean because i was thinking He finally saw just how much there is to do with taking care of everything. There is no excuse for thinking like this, especially about Master because He bends over backwards to help me, but He has taught me to always be honest on here. This blog is my means of expressing myself and what im thinking and feeling so i wont hold back.
Lately i havent faced any kind of punishment although Master has threatened me with it a few times. Its not that i want or crave a spanking or anything because i hate them, but at the same time i need to be punished. We have another bedroom to use that Master can spank me in or even the living room. My thoughts seem to fall on that if i do something bad, there isnt a consequence for it right now. Now for this, Master may be planning in his head just how many hits i should get at a later date but to me it feels like im getting away with murder. He gives me leeway because of me being sick and tired from work, but at the same time there are times where i should get in trouble for not doing things (especially my days off).
Tonight after feeding our little one, i went into the kitchen so we could see what He was doing and the both of us were ignored. It hurt because i can tell that He is mad at me, but i dont know why. These things i do on a regular basis as well as take care of our daughter while He just watches tv and takes care of her as im doing some things. Today finally felt that He saw my side of things and that He could be understanding when i want to get things done all at once or leave them for a little bit later to spend time with the two of them. He didnt have to do these things, but He did them because He wanted to. Between today and tomorrow i was planning a mass cleanup but it was already taken care of. It left me feeling thankful that he did these things for me, but to get mad or upset with me for the most recent thing is weird in my opinion. Thats just me though.
Anyways....i dont feel like a submissive anymore, even though i still am. With no punishments and very little play time,i honestly feel like my submissive self is fading by the way side. My former self has already disappeared and i dont want to lose this either. This is who i am and i feel like im losing myself because there isnt really a lot with it anymore. Granted i know things change when you have a kid, but at the same time i feel that we need time for just us. We have argued about things that we shouldnt have argued about and things have been let slide that shouldnt have been let slide. Maybe i need to get used to this, but im not sure. It seemed that the new set of rules we agreed upon were going to work, but they have been broken so many times that i just dont know. The only thing i have really gotten punished for was when i missed a couple of assignments and Master wasnt very happy about it.
For now, i guess that i will work on being a better submissive and a little more understanding of how things are working and that Master has to balance things and will do things in His own time. It is not about what i want and i need to realize that yet again....it is about Master and His desires and needs being fulfilled, then mine and our little ones. Until then, i will work at being a better submissive because right now i dont feel that im being a very good submissive at all :(
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Perfect storm of trouble....
So it seems that things keep getting more complicated for me and i feel myself sinking down even further. I feel like a lamb being lead to the slaughter lately with everything happening all at once. Im questioning whether or not that I took on too much this semester with just having a baby, trying to be a perfect lil one for Master, keeping up with the dishes and other housework, dealing with work issues, and many other things.
It seems that everytime i get caught up, things tend to go out of control again. I find myself not getting enough sleep for work, then when i get to work i can barely deal with the emotional and stress that comes with it, wanting to get some time to myself but hating that i feel like im never spending enough time with my own family, wanting more time as lil one with Master, just wanting to have more time in the lifestyle. There just seems to be no end to things and i am starting to feel more overwhelmed than ever.
I have to bear some bad news to Master here shortly after the football game is over and im not sure how to do it. Either way im going to have to let Him know because there is no point in delaying it. The bad thing is that i've disappointed Him in the past and i almost lost Him at one point. My biggest fear is hearing Him say that He is putting me back under consideration instead of me being His lil one. Because i came so close to hearing that one night a few weeks ago, i fear that i may hear them again. Either way it is time for me to step up and hopefully he sees that i have taken steps to prevent it from happening again.
Wish me luck and i think im going to have to take a hard look at things and take some things out until things smooth over.
It seems that everytime i get caught up, things tend to go out of control again. I find myself not getting enough sleep for work, then when i get to work i can barely deal with the emotional and stress that comes with it, wanting to get some time to myself but hating that i feel like im never spending enough time with my own family, wanting more time as lil one with Master, just wanting to have more time in the lifestyle. There just seems to be no end to things and i am starting to feel more overwhelmed than ever.
I have to bear some bad news to Master here shortly after the football game is over and im not sure how to do it. Either way im going to have to let Him know because there is no point in delaying it. The bad thing is that i've disappointed Him in the past and i almost lost Him at one point. My biggest fear is hearing Him say that He is putting me back under consideration instead of me being His lil one. Because i came so close to hearing that one night a few weeks ago, i fear that i may hear them again. Either way it is time for me to step up and hopefully he sees that i have taken steps to prevent it from happening again.
Wish me luck and i think im going to have to take a hard look at things and take some things out until things smooth over.
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