Just another day in the life, I guess....

    Wow today has been a good day and a much needed day of rest and relaxation (aside from chasing a baby around and making sure our baby didn't knock their head open on the table). The weird thing is that despite not really having to do anything today other than look at applications and find various places that are hiring around us, i noticed later this afternoon i started to feel blah. Master has been amazing today and has helped to take care of our baby, but i still felt like i was messing up and just felt blah.
    My emotions aren't usually through the roof, but Master has acknowledged that there are times where i am on a roller coaster as far as my emotions go. Maybe it has to do with the fact that yesterday i wasn't able to get my birth control switched to the Mirena because of the stupid insurance and the loopholes and bells and whistles you have to do just to get in to see the doctor. It sucks and im hoping that things get better later this week when i go to get our insurance changed over and hopefully find a doctor that is closer to us up here. Although it is still weird to me that reading about the Mirena, you have to feel yourself up (depending on the ob) to see what the string feels like and then Master was like "so theres going to be a string hanging in your vagina?" and it was the funniest thing to me. Ever since our almost two month stint in the hospital this time last year with our daughter threatening to come way before my due date, i have had an aversion to getting felt up or checked by an ob because there were so many times that i had to get checked to see if i had dilated any further and to determine if my membrane was still intact. It was just a long and tiring ordeal, although it did have the most amazing pay off as a reward :) our little one. Anyways, since i had our child my emotions have kind of been on a roller coaster and im not sure if its because im still depressed or just my hormones are imbalanced. Master thinks its due to me having a hormone imbalance because it comes on very suddenly and with no warning. I can be having the best day ever and all of a sudden just feel completely blah and i don't know how to fix it and it lingers around for a good little while. So now im trying to shake this by doing whatever i can.
      Speaking of it lingering, a part of me wonders if it is because im homesick and missing everyone and that i don't really have too many friends. Things have gotten even more tense since Master and i have moved back into town because of a situation that happened. Master's sibling was up with their partner and they were staying in the master bedroom that we were moving into that had the bathroom attached. Master's old bedroom was available and we were going to move the bed that His sibling and partner were sleeping on into the other room because we were going to set up our own bed. Well text messages exchanged and Master and i were asked if me, Him, and our child could sleep in His old bedroom because they didn't realize we were coming up that night and they couldn't stay with Masters other sibling and partner. Their house was full because His brother's partner's parents were staying with them because they were working on closing on a house and the paperwork hadn't gone through. So instead of doing the right thing of trading rooms with us because we have a child and they DO NOT have a child, we were asked to be inconvenienced and crammed into a small room that was definitely NOT made for two adults and a baby and a dog. So to say i was a little upset and mad was an understatement. On top of that, Master and i moved everything into the house by ourselves. There was no offer from Master's sibling to help us even though we had taken time out of our vacation to help His sibling move. With no help, Master almost had to take me to the doctor because the pain got so bad. Luckily i still had some of my medicine left so i was able to take it and began to feel better. For some reason, im not able to lift extremely heavy objects, but i had to in order to help Master because He had no other help and there was no way He could move that stuff on His own. Well His siblings were at the house when we were moving the last of the heavy furniture in and not one offered to help us carry it in real quick to get it into the house and to help Master out because the whole family knows of the medical issues that i have. It was just frustrating. Then we had to lie to His older relative when it was asked who was outside because we didn't want them to know that Master's sibling was outside because then they would have asked why they weren't coming in and be upset about that.
     The family situation is just frustrating because its like more and more i feel that we are the odd man out. Master's older and younger sibling both hang out and talk to each other more than they talk to the two of us. On top of that, i made a peace offering by cleaning up the spare bedroom and consolidating our stuff just in case we are still here when they come up here to live with us at Master's older relatives house. Which i forgot to mention....we found out about two months before we moved in here that i was going to be getting out of the military and didn't have time to save for a place. Well, Master's sibling says that they will be moving up here with their partner once they get married 6 months after the marriage. This is after we had already told the family that we would be staying with the same relative that they were going to try to stay with. Their excuse is so they can save money, but what i don't understand is how you cant have money saved up when you are planning A YEAR OUT to move up with family. That is a year that you could set aside money each pay check to go towards moving expenses and finding a place up here. I mean come on, especially with knowing their paychecks and that they make EXCELLENT money, it really makes me mad that they are doing this. It is putting the crunch on me and Master to find places that will hire the two of us and also find a place to live that accepts pets and is suitable for us and our baby. That is a lot to do in a 9-10 month time frame. To me, its almost like if you know that far out, maybe you cut out the trips to certain places or eating out all the time to put money aside for a life event that you are making a choice to do and not being forced to do like me and Master were.
    So all of this is just frustrating me and so i feel like i don't have anybody to turn to as far as family really. My family is someone to talk to occasionally, but there are just things you cant talk to them about. On top of that, the two friends i had made in the lifestyle were where Master and i used to live and that is a good trip from where we are now. This leaves me back to trying to make new friends in the area we are in, but the two sites that Master and i are members of that i send messages on gets me nowhere. Its like im being ignored or when i do get messages, its from the people fishing and telling me that either my pictures are being reported or i should prove that im not a man by getting on cam for them. Its frustrating and i don't know what to do. This lifestyle isn't something that you tell any normal person about that you meet and become friends with. It takes a lot of trust and years of being friends with them before i think i could even tell someone about me and Master and our relationship, but even still they might not get it. Im just at a loss as to how to go about meeting new people, especially since im not on my own territory so to speak. My life is now in Master's territory so im trying to meet people around His area. Plus having a child we have to make sure they are okay to be around them.
       In other news, today was my first full day of wearing the everyday collar that Master bought me. It is gorgeous and i absolutely love it. Feeling it around my neck, it is a little tighter than a normal necklace, but it doesn't look like a choker on my neck and it makes me feel like im owned and His. He is my Master and He is the one in charge. It is definitely evident with the surprises that i have given Him the past couple times that we have been intimate. Last night was another surprise for Him and wearing His collar made me feel even more submissive. When i made a trip to the local store, i bought a couple more bandanas to use because they are versatile for us and definitely inconspicuous as far as being used for play. Tying them to the end of the bed and then to the spreader bar that Master had bought, i left my lower half completely helpless to Him. His lil one's body was His to do with whatever He wished. It was so surreal because i was feeling completely submissive and knew that i would be able to handle whatever it was that He did to me. It sucks because to unveil my surprise, i have to ask Him to wait in our closet, but it is amazing listening to Him come out and willing myself to do this for Him. Everytime right before i tell Him that His surprise is ready and it is safe to come out, i find myself having a battle of wills with myself on whether or not i really want to do this and i have to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves and remind myself that what im doing is for Him. So last night i had to do that. For me to be able to do it, i haven't gotten to the point where i can watch Him come out and lay eyes on His surprise just yet but i know i will some day. He played with me, spanking His lil one's ass and using the flogger and belt that i had laid out all while playing with the vibrator in me as well. He knew that the last time i had written, i had come so close to asking Him to claim His lil one's body as His to do with what He wished and He did last night. His pussy was fucked hard and then His ass (which felt glorious after the initial moment of pain from Him just plowing in but i loved the feeling of getting used to Him and then Him fucking my ass just as hard as He would His pussy with the vibrator in His pussy) and then He took His mouth and used it to make Him cum. It was such an amazing feeling knowing that i was bringing about those feelings and opening myself up to be that little slut and whore that He wants me to be for Him.
     Yesterday Master said something that made me realize it was very true. He was playing with His lil one and told me to spread my legs so that He could play with His pussy while we were driving down a backroad. There was nobody coming and nobody in front of us to see, but there was still something in me that wanted to resist and did slightly at first. After what felt like forever, He looked at me and started laughing saying i had this look that showed that i was battling with myself. There was a battle between my body saying yes, but my head is saying no that's not a good thing to do. It shows that there is some time for this to be worked on until i can spread my legs for Him without even thinking twice about it, but until then i know that He knows that i am working on it and doing my best to conquer these feelings. So far there have been a couple surprises and i think im running out of ideas, but hopefully i have inspired Master's creative juices. The past two times that i have thought of things i have felt so hot and bothered that i couldn't believe how amazing it was. On top of that, i have been in some form of bondage/restraint and i think i like being restrained slightly so that no matter what i know He has control over me. It felt hot when He grabbed my legs by the bar last night and kept pulling me back when my body was wanting me to pull away. To me it shows that He loves me and is truly the Master and has the control.
      The other part has been working on the learning the rules too for Him so that i can please Him. So far, i think ive done well but i cant be completely sure. Yesterday we had a rocky time where He told me a few times (probably more than should have with me being stubborn) to tell Him what i was feeling and i was being stubborn and shrugging my shoulders or saying i don't know. He had to drag the answer out, but i did communicate with Him after a couple minutes what i was feeling. On top of that, i know i have a maintenance spanking coming up some time soon which should be interesting. It has been a little while since i have had a really good spanking that left me sore sitting down later/the next day but i know it is very much needed and will remind me that i am Master's lil one. He is the Master and i am the submissive. So tonight is another night of alone time for us and im curious as to what will happen tonight. Curiosity is getting the better of me and im wondering what quite a few things would feel like, like having my arms immobile or wrist cuffs would feel like. There is no surprise for tonight that i know of, but i think ill wear something that Master will like.

Dont even know what to call this....

   My head feels so confused and emotions just swirling and running around rampant that i honestly don't know what to feel anymore. Right now Master and i aren't speaking (due to me and not Him) and i just don't know. My brain is so confused right now that i am trying to make sense of everything.
   Lately Master and i have seemed to be in some kind of funk, me more than Him. He has even made the comment to me that i don't seem like His lil one lately by the way that i have been acting. Hearing those words crush me because to me i have been trying my hardest to act like lil one now that i don't have anything stopping me, but it just seems like im doing everything wrong. Master and i have had more disagreements then usual and a lot of it is that i get upset or frustrated about something and that in turn leaves Him mad at me and its a cycle until He comes to me and gets me to talk to Him, but for some reason tonight feels different.....
    To me, it feels like i have lost touch with the lifestyle. Yes Master and i have a child and we get alone time together, but it still feels like we aren't connecting at all like we were before. My moods can change in a heartbeat and that often leaves Master distancing Himself from me, or so it feels, and then He comes back later to talk to me about what is going on. After trying so hard and then coming up short, a part of me wonders why try anymore. Its almost like i want to break every rule just to see if anything will happen, but im not that kind of submissive/girl. Lately, a part of me feels that im to blame for every little thing and that times Master says He is okay with whatever is going on that He isn't okay. Its almost like i get tuned out at times and He tells me what i want to hear to appease me at the time. A part of me feels like im the one who always has to communicate with Him and im the one that gets shut down when i try to talk to Him about things. He tells me that He is the one that has to shoulder everything, but sometimes i know that He needs to talk.
     The other thing that has been circling around in my brain is that we have gotten a new puppy recently. She wasn't exactly healthy when we got her (a $184 vet bill later and she was diagnosed with round and hook worms, serious high level infestation causing her to be underweight and unable to hold food down), but since we got her He has seemed mad that she is here and gets upset when she whines at night sometimes and takes a little bit to calm down. Admittedly this morning i was ready to kill her when she wanted to play at 4 in the morning but ive gotten up with her everytime she has had to go potty in the early morning. He has taken care of her between 8-10/11am when i take a nap from getting up with her throughout the night. He suggested putting her back up the other night (before i took her to the vet and found out why she wasn't keeping food down) for adoption because of her whining and inability to hold food down and seemed hesitant when i took her to the vet. It had been almost a week and she was holding small bits of food down at a time. He would seem distant about her and when i asked Him if He was fine that she was here, i would get told that as long as i was happy He was happy, but His actions say otherwise. He just doesn't seem to like her a majority of the time and is frustrated with her. My thought is that if He didn't want her, He should have said something and not waited until after we got her to be upset. He made the deal with me that it would be a new dog or a baby because of things that were going on it was wiser for us to get a new dog (plus our current dog needs a playmate and our child needed their own puppy). It just hurts when He acts like He doesn't want to be around her or hates her. She is such a good puppy and i just want Him to be as excited about her as i am because for being only 8 weeks old, she already lets us know when she needs to go outside and is very well behaved (aside from her getting sick after eating issue but that's being fixed).
      The most important thing that keeps popping up in my head is about how He feels that i haven't been acting like lil one at all. Its weird to hear that and then get told later that i make Him proud by the things that im doing. My mind is conflicted because i don't know what to do and what not to do to act like His lil one. A part of me feels like im so disconnected from the lifestyle and that we just need a reset, but how do i ask Master for that? He has threatened to put me back to "under consideration" because of things that have happened in the past and things got that bad but it didn't happen. Lately it seems like there are no punishments for things done wrong and He just lets things go and a part of me gets frustrated because of that. A part of me knows that sometimes He holds back because of where we are at or He doesn't want to hurt me, but at the same time i feel like its time for Him to start punishing me for things. Granted i don't get into trouble often, but sometimes laundry gets left in the dryer or bottles sit on the sink for a day or two before they get washed and should be washed every night. There was an incident a couple weeks ago where Master accidentally hit my sore spot without meaning to and nothing came out of it other than me getting upset at him and hitting him back hard and He got upset because i hit Him (same day i was told that i hadn't been acting like lil one for at least two weeks at that point). We talked a little bit that day and it seemed things eased out, but lately it seems that there are more and more days where im getting frustrated at Master and i don't know why. To me, its time for the cycle to end and i just have to figure out how to go about doing that and whatever effort it will take.
     When Master and i first started dating, there were times where He would take control of me and do whatever He wanted with me in the bedroom, but now its more like vanilla sex with aspects of bdsm built in. We have lost that spark that we had when we were first together. Granted right now our living situation isn't the best, but we were staying in this same place when we first got together and made it work amazingly well. Now that our child is sleeping through the night, we have all the time in the world for time together just the two of us and there isn't any sickness lately (although i do have an occasional twinge in my back but nothing to where we have to work around it like in the past). Its just hard because believe me it is not Master that is having the issue in all of this, it is me. He has been looking out for me and ive gotten used to the slack and use it to get away with a lot. There is an underware rule in place and there are times it hasn't been followed and Master knows it hasn't such as with skirts or in regular jeans. My body is craving more of the lifestyle, but its just hard because i don't know how to get myself back there. Maybe i need to see if Master will start using positions with me or punishments for any rule broken until i get back into the swing of things. There has to be some way for me to get back into being lil one again so that i can stop upsetting Master and us having little arguments/disagreements. After this, i think Master and i will have a discussion about things and where we stand and maybe a revamp on the rules and discuss things and figure out how to get better. Granted right now, not a whole lot can be done because of Mother Nature but im sure Master will have a plan for things and i have to trust Him about it.
       i just love Master so much and want to make Him so proud of me, but lately it feels like all i have done is let Him down and get upset with Him. i don't want that anymore and im hoping that getting back to ourselves will help me feel like lil one again now that i don't have to worry about things with my old job and the stress that i was under from it. Hopefully this post is a stepping stone for us and it helps me figure out how to talk to Master and explain how ive been feeling without Him getting upset and feeling hurt when He reads this. i want to fix things before they get to the point of breaking and i lose Master because that is my deepest fear is no longer being the lil one that He fell in love with and collared and He doesn't want to be with me anymore or doesn't want to be in the lifestyle anymore (that would devastate me and i would more than likely cease to function if that happened). So for now....im going to try to gather my thoughts, revisit an old story, lay in bed with Master and hopefully talk with Him and see where things go from there.


***none of these are my pictures, but i found them on a google search. They are merely what im hoping to get back to.***