Rough week is an understatement....

    So this week has most definitely been a rough week for both Master and me. At the beginning of the week, Master woke me up to inform me that our new german shepherd puppy that we had gotten was dead. It was heartbreaking for me because she hadn't been a part of our family long at all. To start off with, when we got her we found out that she had a major infestation of ring and roundworms. They were so bad that even the vet was shocked. She also had a heart murmur that the vet said was more than likely because of the large amount of worms in her body. When we got her, she was 9 weeks and 5 days old. We took her to the vet at 10 weeks and 4 days. Not even a week after taking her to the vet and getting medicine to treat the worms and then giving it to her, she died. Master found her in the bathroom after going in to use it and it was already too late. We had been putting her in the bathroom at night with a pillow and a towel over it to simulate her old surroundings with her littermates and mother. It just sucked to find out that she was sicker than either one of us ever thought possible. She had such a short life and she was already loved so much and was such a sweet and good dog that she didn't deserve to die. :( The only reason that i can think of is that the people who we got her from were complete idiots and didn't realize to deworm her and the rest of her littermates at 4 weeks, especially when i have a vet tell me that a 9 week old puppy should not have the amount of worms that she did. Ugh, end tangent although that doesn't end the pain of losing her.
    On another note, today Master and i got news that a family member passed away. It just sucks because this family member was looking forward to our child's first birthday. It just sucks finding out this kind of news and the timing isn't great, but when is the timing ever great to find out that a family member passed away? So now Master and i are dealing with that.
     So on to other news that is a little more spicy at least concerning Master and i. So far it has been a battle between the two of us and adjusting to the new rules that were set forth after Master came up with them. Lately, Master and i have been working on things and i have been trying to get better at communicating with him instead of bottling things up and getting mad at him. The first big to do after the rules was in the car on the way home. We were trying to figure out what to do for dinner and because of my health i have a limited amount of things/places i can eat. For some reason i cant eat red meat in huge quantities and very often at all. It was bad because He wasn't in the mood for what i suggested and it was all i could think about for what i could eat and our budget as far as choices went. So i got frustrated and then got mad and it just continued. To put it mildly that i was a bit upset was an understatement. Master and i stopped for a drink and while i was getting it, He brought up the rules and reminding me that i had signed them and showed me where it said that i wasn't allowed to shake my head as an answer to His questions. Master told me that i signed those rules and agreed to it that i would follow them and i wasn't acting like i was going to follow them. It hurt hearing those words come out of His mouth, but i knew that He was right and i wasn't acting like it. He told me that He loved me and the two of us made up, but it still sucked that i let Him down and wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. So far i haven't been punished for that, but then again sometimes Master does like to keep me on my toes and guessing when i will get my punishment for something. Sometimes He punishes me that night and others He punishes me days or a week or two later, letting me stew in my mess.
       This brings me to what i feel today. To me, im not sure if Master is just waiting until things calmed down or what the plan is but i know He has a plan....He always does!! Today has left me wondering about things. The past few days i have let a few things slip, not purposely, but it was one of those things where i just didn't feel like doing it. Right now there is laundry sitting across from me that is waiting to be folded (and will be taken care of first thing in the morning after i get up and am ready to go). Its just sometimes i feel like i just don't know what to feel and just feel blah, while at the same time i know that i need to be a good submissive and do these things. Lately i feel like im being a brat and sometimes wanting to push buttons, but there has been so much that has gone on that i don't want to be a brat to Master. That is not who i am and that is definitely not the person that Master met up with when He met me and we discussed what we liked and didn't like.
     Part of the rules for Master and i is that we try new things in the lifestyle or that i be open to it and lately i have been thinking a lot about things in the lifestyle. Tonight i found something that id like to try, but haven't had a chance to yet. When Master and i got our first toys, one of them was a vibrating egg with a remote and so far we haven't had a chance to try it because the batteries went out as soon as we got it. The problem is that the batteries for it are super expensive because theyre the small little round disk type. Its always been a fantasy of mine to go to dinner somewhere with Master as just the two of us and He has the remote and im at His mercy, trying to hold myself together as He enjoys the view. The other thing is maybe at some point me and Him can go camping just the two of us and enjoy the great outdoors together because that has always been a wish of mine too. There are a lot of things that id like to try that im slowly working on and trying to figure out as to what id love to try with Master, not including what is running through His head.
     So that is it for now. Time to go wallow in my own fantasies and snuggle with Master.

Just another day in the life, I guess....

    Wow today has been a good day and a much needed day of rest and relaxation (aside from chasing a baby around and making sure our baby didn't knock their head open on the table). The weird thing is that despite not really having to do anything today other than look at applications and find various places that are hiring around us, i noticed later this afternoon i started to feel blah. Master has been amazing today and has helped to take care of our baby, but i still felt like i was messing up and just felt blah.
    My emotions aren't usually through the roof, but Master has acknowledged that there are times where i am on a roller coaster as far as my emotions go. Maybe it has to do with the fact that yesterday i wasn't able to get my birth control switched to the Mirena because of the stupid insurance and the loopholes and bells and whistles you have to do just to get in to see the doctor. It sucks and im hoping that things get better later this week when i go to get our insurance changed over and hopefully find a doctor that is closer to us up here. Although it is still weird to me that reading about the Mirena, you have to feel yourself up (depending on the ob) to see what the string feels like and then Master was like "so theres going to be a string hanging in your vagina?" and it was the funniest thing to me. Ever since our almost two month stint in the hospital this time last year with our daughter threatening to come way before my due date, i have had an aversion to getting felt up or checked by an ob because there were so many times that i had to get checked to see if i had dilated any further and to determine if my membrane was still intact. It was just a long and tiring ordeal, although it did have the most amazing pay off as a reward :) our little one. Anyways, since i had our child my emotions have kind of been on a roller coaster and im not sure if its because im still depressed or just my hormones are imbalanced. Master thinks its due to me having a hormone imbalance because it comes on very suddenly and with no warning. I can be having the best day ever and all of a sudden just feel completely blah and i don't know how to fix it and it lingers around for a good little while. So now im trying to shake this by doing whatever i can.
      Speaking of it lingering, a part of me wonders if it is because im homesick and missing everyone and that i don't really have too many friends. Things have gotten even more tense since Master and i have moved back into town because of a situation that happened. Master's sibling was up with their partner and they were staying in the master bedroom that we were moving into that had the bathroom attached. Master's old bedroom was available and we were going to move the bed that His sibling and partner were sleeping on into the other room because we were going to set up our own bed. Well text messages exchanged and Master and i were asked if me, Him, and our child could sleep in His old bedroom because they didn't realize we were coming up that night and they couldn't stay with Masters other sibling and partner. Their house was full because His brother's partner's parents were staying with them because they were working on closing on a house and the paperwork hadn't gone through. So instead of doing the right thing of trading rooms with us because we have a child and they DO NOT have a child, we were asked to be inconvenienced and crammed into a small room that was definitely NOT made for two adults and a baby and a dog. So to say i was a little upset and mad was an understatement. On top of that, Master and i moved everything into the house by ourselves. There was no offer from Master's sibling to help us even though we had taken time out of our vacation to help His sibling move. With no help, Master almost had to take me to the doctor because the pain got so bad. Luckily i still had some of my medicine left so i was able to take it and began to feel better. For some reason, im not able to lift extremely heavy objects, but i had to in order to help Master because He had no other help and there was no way He could move that stuff on His own. Well His siblings were at the house when we were moving the last of the heavy furniture in and not one offered to help us carry it in real quick to get it into the house and to help Master out because the whole family knows of the medical issues that i have. It was just frustrating. Then we had to lie to His older relative when it was asked who was outside because we didn't want them to know that Master's sibling was outside because then they would have asked why they weren't coming in and be upset about that.
     The family situation is just frustrating because its like more and more i feel that we are the odd man out. Master's older and younger sibling both hang out and talk to each other more than they talk to the two of us. On top of that, i made a peace offering by cleaning up the spare bedroom and consolidating our stuff just in case we are still here when they come up here to live with us at Master's older relatives house. Which i forgot to mention....we found out about two months before we moved in here that i was going to be getting out of the military and didn't have time to save for a place. Well, Master's sibling says that they will be moving up here with their partner once they get married 6 months after the marriage. This is after we had already told the family that we would be staying with the same relative that they were going to try to stay with. Their excuse is so they can save money, but what i don't understand is how you cant have money saved up when you are planning A YEAR OUT to move up with family. That is a year that you could set aside money each pay check to go towards moving expenses and finding a place up here. I mean come on, especially with knowing their paychecks and that they make EXCELLENT money, it really makes me mad that they are doing this. It is putting the crunch on me and Master to find places that will hire the two of us and also find a place to live that accepts pets and is suitable for us and our baby. That is a lot to do in a 9-10 month time frame. To me, its almost like if you know that far out, maybe you cut out the trips to certain places or eating out all the time to put money aside for a life event that you are making a choice to do and not being forced to do like me and Master were.
    So all of this is just frustrating me and so i feel like i don't have anybody to turn to as far as family really. My family is someone to talk to occasionally, but there are just things you cant talk to them about. On top of that, the two friends i had made in the lifestyle were where Master and i used to live and that is a good trip from where we are now. This leaves me back to trying to make new friends in the area we are in, but the two sites that Master and i are members of that i send messages on gets me nowhere. Its like im being ignored or when i do get messages, its from the people fishing and telling me that either my pictures are being reported or i should prove that im not a man by getting on cam for them. Its frustrating and i don't know what to do. This lifestyle isn't something that you tell any normal person about that you meet and become friends with. It takes a lot of trust and years of being friends with them before i think i could even tell someone about me and Master and our relationship, but even still they might not get it. Im just at a loss as to how to go about meeting new people, especially since im not on my own territory so to speak. My life is now in Master's territory so im trying to meet people around His area. Plus having a child we have to make sure they are okay to be around them.
       In other news, today was my first full day of wearing the everyday collar that Master bought me. It is gorgeous and i absolutely love it. Feeling it around my neck, it is a little tighter than a normal necklace, but it doesn't look like a choker on my neck and it makes me feel like im owned and His. He is my Master and He is the one in charge. It is definitely evident with the surprises that i have given Him the past couple times that we have been intimate. Last night was another surprise for Him and wearing His collar made me feel even more submissive. When i made a trip to the local store, i bought a couple more bandanas to use because they are versatile for us and definitely inconspicuous as far as being used for play. Tying them to the end of the bed and then to the spreader bar that Master had bought, i left my lower half completely helpless to Him. His lil one's body was His to do with whatever He wished. It was so surreal because i was feeling completely submissive and knew that i would be able to handle whatever it was that He did to me. It sucks because to unveil my surprise, i have to ask Him to wait in our closet, but it is amazing listening to Him come out and willing myself to do this for Him. Everytime right before i tell Him that His surprise is ready and it is safe to come out, i find myself having a battle of wills with myself on whether or not i really want to do this and i have to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves and remind myself that what im doing is for Him. So last night i had to do that. For me to be able to do it, i haven't gotten to the point where i can watch Him come out and lay eyes on His surprise just yet but i know i will some day. He played with me, spanking His lil one's ass and using the flogger and belt that i had laid out all while playing with the vibrator in me as well. He knew that the last time i had written, i had come so close to asking Him to claim His lil one's body as His to do with what He wished and He did last night. His pussy was fucked hard and then His ass (which felt glorious after the initial moment of pain from Him just plowing in but i loved the feeling of getting used to Him and then Him fucking my ass just as hard as He would His pussy with the vibrator in His pussy) and then He took His mouth and used it to make Him cum. It was such an amazing feeling knowing that i was bringing about those feelings and opening myself up to be that little slut and whore that He wants me to be for Him.
     Yesterday Master said something that made me realize it was very true. He was playing with His lil one and told me to spread my legs so that He could play with His pussy while we were driving down a backroad. There was nobody coming and nobody in front of us to see, but there was still something in me that wanted to resist and did slightly at first. After what felt like forever, He looked at me and started laughing saying i had this look that showed that i was battling with myself. There was a battle between my body saying yes, but my head is saying no that's not a good thing to do. It shows that there is some time for this to be worked on until i can spread my legs for Him without even thinking twice about it, but until then i know that He knows that i am working on it and doing my best to conquer these feelings. So far there have been a couple surprises and i think im running out of ideas, but hopefully i have inspired Master's creative juices. The past two times that i have thought of things i have felt so hot and bothered that i couldn't believe how amazing it was. On top of that, i have been in some form of bondage/restraint and i think i like being restrained slightly so that no matter what i know He has control over me. It felt hot when He grabbed my legs by the bar last night and kept pulling me back when my body was wanting me to pull away. To me it shows that He loves me and is truly the Master and has the control.
      The other part has been working on the learning the rules too for Him so that i can please Him. So far, i think ive done well but i cant be completely sure. Yesterday we had a rocky time where He told me a few times (probably more than should have with me being stubborn) to tell Him what i was feeling and i was being stubborn and shrugging my shoulders or saying i don't know. He had to drag the answer out, but i did communicate with Him after a couple minutes what i was feeling. On top of that, i know i have a maintenance spanking coming up some time soon which should be interesting. It has been a little while since i have had a really good spanking that left me sore sitting down later/the next day but i know it is very much needed and will remind me that i am Master's lil one. He is the Master and i am the submissive. So tonight is another night of alone time for us and im curious as to what will happen tonight. Curiosity is getting the better of me and im wondering what quite a few things would feel like, like having my arms immobile or wrist cuffs would feel like. There is no surprise for tonight that i know of, but i think ill wear something that Master will like.

A Day to Remember.....

   Man today was such a good day I cant believe it. There were so many good things and it was just a gorgeous beautiful day. To top it off, i got to play softball with my church, which I love playing softball. There was so many good things with my parents too that I was extremely surprised.
          I started out the day by heading to church. I had to get there early for youth group so that I could go to church before softball. I couldnt believe that I was finally getting to play softball again. But back to church. I got there and found my parents and got to talk to them for the first time since my mom and I had a big blowout. It was amazing. I talked to her about the accident and I honestly thought she was going to be mad at me. I gave her the piece of paper with all the information on it and everything I remembered from the accident. After talking with her and her seeing the damage and me showing her the pictures of the accident, she told me not to worry about it because there wasnt damage to his car to really file anyting. She also told me she thought that he was driving on a suspended license and might check into that. I am just glad that she's not upset about what happened and is understanding of it. She told me not to worry about it, that accidents happen and it wasnt my fault she would take care of it. I cant admit how relieved I felt about it.
          After youth group, which was kind of funny itself. We ended up finishing up the youth group all under the trees. We were all spaced out, but it seemed that we were all put into time out because of how we were spaced. I thought this was hilarious and laughed it off. It was a good youth group discussion about things God does for us and it had to do with the abbreviation ACTS. It was amazing and I actually enjoyed the lesson.
   Church ended and I met up with my parents. Come to find out, I didnt have to be at the fields at 11:30 like I thought so I opted to spend some time with my parents and grab lunch with them and a friend. It was funny because I was texting him and my dad yells at me to turn my phone off that nothing is so important it cant wait til after lunch. Laughing I let him know and he was okay with it. Lunch was amazing and I got to talk with my parents and a couple friends from church. It was amazing and I got lunch for free. I was surprised that my parents offered for me to pay, but hey I'm not going to complain about free food. i felt it was a step in the right direction, but I'm still taking it one day at a time with them. I am just glad I have support either way with whatever happens to my relationship with them.
          I started out the day playing an extra game of softball. It was so much fun because I picked up an extra game. I did really well playing second base where they put me. I think that I may request that they put me there because I am so used to playing it or short stop. I just dont think I can do outfield with my knee, it's a crap ton of dead sprints the whole game long to backup first base. But then again, I'm happy with any position. We ended up coming from behind and winning the game, but sadly had to forfeit the game because my real team was playing a few minutes later on the other field. It was so much fun to play, but i am mad at myself because of how I was hitting in that game. But I guess mistakes will be made after not playing since last season.
        We ended up playing the best team in the league for our second game. It was not fun at all and we got our butts handed to us with at least 17 or 18 to nothing. It was crazy but a fun game. We tried fighting, but there were just mistakes all over the field to be honest. The third game we ended up doing better. I couldnt believe it and I hit way better after C told me what I was doing wrong. I just need to work on getting used to a bat being between my feet while hitting, keeping my back foot down, and watching the ball all the way in. I have a bad habit of not watching the ball. But I know that I can fix it with practice and persistance, especially with wanting to make sure I do well or my best every game.
           The day ended with me having dinner with my friend. She is amazing and we have been close friends since I started college. We met at a college party, oddly enough, and have been great friends ever since. I met up with her and we sat and talked for a while. It was so amazing....we sat and talked for at least a good twenty to thirty minutes after paying. It was so crazy because she is one of my closest friends and knows what I'm into. We talked about my new boy and it was so amazing and she could tell I was so happy. She asked about like where he was from and all. It was so cool just talking to her and telling her how happy he has made me. It's crazy to think that one guy can make me so happy. It's like everything he does is truly to make sure I'm happy. He has been there for me at my worst, seen me at my best, and knows my weak points and is still okay to stand there and support me no matter what I do. I can admit that I thought I had felt this way about someone before, but I was completely wrong. There are no words to describe how he makes me feel, and I dont know if he knows just what he's done for me in the short time he's known me. I feel that with him being there to help guide and push me to become a better person not only because he wants me to be happy, but he has taught me that I need to take care of myself along with trying to take care of others.
          I cant believe all the different things I'm noticing in myself after the short time we've been talking. I love it and cant wait to see the more that come. I also realized tonight that I do respond very well to "the look". I noticed it tonight that one of the girls was acting up and all it took was for one of the guys to clear his throat or look at her and she completely shut up. The funny thing was I started laughing inside and realized I do that too when it comes to him. Although I sometimes think I'm getting "the look" and I may not be, but the couple times I've gotten it I changed my tune real quick. I guess you can say I'm a quick learner, but I like that look anyways. I guess because to me it is a warning to be careful that you're in dangerous waters and that he means business. I'm curious as to what else I may find out about him when it comes to these type of things.
         I guess I'm just enjoying life right now. It is going amazing and even when there are downhills, he's been there so far to calm me down and let me know not to stress too much over things. I really think and this is my guess here, but I know for sure there was a higher power at work here. Either way I know there was, but I think there was a reason for us to start talking. He's just amazing and everything. I definitely cant wait to see him and finally see what it feels like to sleep in his arms, especially after realizing that the other night I couldnt go to sleep til i talked to him. I guess its because I have gotten so used to talking to him every night that to not talk to him set things going haywire.

Sometimes Life is Just Crazy...Pure Crazy

   Man, what a day. I cant believe how crazy the whole day has been and everything that has happened. I just hope that later this week isnt as crazy as the whole day was put together. I dont think I could handle another day with the mix of emotions that I had. Well I guess enough of just talking about how it was crazy, i might want to actually say why it was crazy.
        Well the day started with me getting to work. I got there on time and walked in. F was working tonight and I can say that he is the least favorite manager to work with out of all of them. Everyone seems to think that he's an arrogant kind of asshole like guy. He just kind of assume everything you're doing is wrong and all. It sucks. But anyways, he handed me my money and I helped put out pizzas and then went on my first run. It went uneventful and I ended up getting an $11 tip from my first run. It was a long day. I was just about ending my first shift this morning and I was pulling into the dealership. This was where my mix of emotions come in.
         I pulled into the parking lot and it was a congested road. I had a clear view behind the huge truck that was sitting in front of where I need to turn. He left a gap for me to go through and indicated that I was clear. I pulled forward a little bit and checked to make sure and I saw it was clear. I pulled into the parking lot and as I finished the turn and was almost in, I looked to the right and saw this car coming. It hit me with full force, and the only thing I could think to do was grab the steering wheel as hard as I could with both hands. I remember the thoughts running through my head were "Oh shit I'm about to get hit." I dont remember what else went through my other other then that as I felt the car hit me and shift my car slightly to the left. I couldnt believe I had just been hit. I was in utter shock and felt it was somehow my fault, but I knew that I was in the clear because I was almost in the parking lot. I got out of the car and remember shaking because I had just been hit and didnt know what to do. I was a little dazed, but I know I was very grateful for wearing that seatbelt. If I hadnt been wearing it, I think things could have been worse.
         The only thing I dreaded next was calling my mom. I was afraid that she was going to be upset with me, but I calmly explained to her things that had happened and she calmly told me to get his information. She instructed me to make sure to take pictures of everything and have all his information. The whole thing I found odd and she did too after the fact was that he didnt really insist on calling the cops. Most people after having an accident would insist on calling the cops to get a report of the accident and everything. I do know after talking with my mom, she agrees that he was in the wrong. The back half of me car from the back half of my tire to the side of the trunk was where I was hit. This means that he saw me pulling in. The other thing was that he hit me with enough force to move my car. Now the light was red at the time, so for him to be able to hit my car with enough force as he did, he had to be speeding. So thats my hope is that it can be taken care of.
         Anyways, after that rough start to the afternoon I went and hung out with my friend who was leaving for basic training soon. I owed him lunch/dinner off a bet we had so I took him out to eat. It was so much fun talking and laughing with him, because the way we are friends we like to push each other's buttons. I still cant believe that he will be leaving here shortly. But I guess such is life..I'll be leaving soon too. I'm nervous about it, but so ready at the same time.
         Well, the afternoon came to end and I headed to work. I didnt really want to go into work, but hey it was two hours worth of tips. I ended up making a little over $100 in tips today. It was such a good night, but I also ran into someone that I knew from church. I was just ready for the night to be over with after having a long day. I couldnt wait to relax and just be comfortable. I realized though so many stressful things have happened in the past couple days that I'm just ready for things to stop stressing me out and to stop getting bad news. The one good thing through everything is that my parents have started to be there for me and he has been there as well. With the bad news yesterday, I thought he would run but he didnt. He stood by my side and said everything would be okay. He has been there and lets me know that things will be okay. Thats why I'm glad I have him because when I stress out or get worried over something that isnt really anything to worry about, he helps me see the better side and that things will all work out. I cant wait to see what the future holds for things because so far everyday that I've known him I've been the happiest girl ever, despite the bad things that have happened to me.

Is There Any Mercy Left?

  Man today has been filled with both good and bad things happening. I guess it all started off first thing this morning. I woke up and fixed myself a snack and lunch so that I didnt have to worry about buying anything even if I cashed my paycheck. Well I got an early morning text right as I woke up from him. I think that he is a mind reader because it always seems that he texts me right as I'm waking up. But back to work...I got to work and was going to pick up my check after work, but found out that I didnt have to be into work until five that night. I felt so stupid that I didnt check the schedule the night before. Thankfully I had plenty of time I could go home and take a nap. I decided because they were getting their butts kicked that i would get my paycheck later.
         I went home and took a nap enjoying the peace and quiet of the apartment, but wishing that I could spend the time talking with him. Although much to my sadness he was at work so I could only talk to him by texting. But the day passed by and I took a nap. The day seemed to be going pretty well, until I checked my mail. I had a huge bad piece of news waiting in the mail for me.
          I opened a letter from my doctor's office thinking it was notifying me of the negative results of my pap smear. But it was quite the opposite. It was letting me know that they had found some abnormal cells and didnt know why they were there or the cause. They also stated that I tested positive for the HPV virus, which didnt mean that I had cervical cancer but was at a higher risk for getting it. I read those lines over and over again and flipped out. I immediately began trying to make sense of it because in my mind the only words that I could comprehend was cancer. I felt lost all of a sudden and didnt know what to do. I tried reaching my sister and mom, trying to get in touch with either one of them for that comfort. i texted him, hoping not to freak him out, but I felt he deserved to know what was going on. Much to my comfort he didnt flip out or freak and just calmly said it was probably something minor(at least minor in my mind). But I finally got a hold of my sister and she helped calm me down by telling me other people have had that same results and it was something benign and nothing to worry about. My mother said much of the same thing and told me that when I found out my doctor's appointment date she would take off and come with me.
         After that I got to work and cashed my check. It was $65, more then I thought I was going to make. It was amazing. I cashed it and went into work. Work went by so amazingly fast that I cant believe it did. I was out on runs every 5-10 minutes or so and made tips on every single one. Most of the time the tips were at least $2. I loved it and had so much fun driving around. I loved it and cant wait to go back and do it again tomorrow. I got off work and counted out my money and tips and found out that in the course of 4 hours I had made $45. I couldnt believe it. That's money to pay one of my bills. I think tips tomorrow will go to my parents for my car insurance.
          I got home and felt so exhausted that I figured I would go ahead and sleep. I also figured that he would be at work and that I wouldnt be able to speak with him tonight. i think it's sad, but in a good way that I miss not talking to him. I laid down and couldnt sleep. It was as if I was waiting to hear back from him, since I hadnt heard from him since I had clocked out of work. I felt bad though because he logged on later tonight and he reminded me that I had forgotten something crucial that I am supposed to do everynight. I couldnt believe I had forgotten something so easily. I feel horrible and have realized that I need to make sure it's always done even if I'm extremely tired. I only hope he'll be understanding and show a little mercy.
       I have to admit that I loved how he calmed me down after I was stressing and getting worried about the letter I got. It's funny how sometimes just seeing him makes the bad things that have happened in the day, much better. I'm glad he's around more and more everyday

Mouth Restraint?

   Wow today has been an amazing day, but a long day at that. I have had a slight scare and on top of that I just had a rough day with my mom and everything ordeal. I just wish that whole ordeal with my mom hadnt happened, but there's nothing I can do about it.
       The morning started off uneventful with me heading to work. I found out that I passed out on him last night and couldnt believe that I had. I felt horrible that I just like passed out on him without saying goodnight or anything. It made me feel bad, but he knew I was tired. I guess I should start listening to him when he tells me to go to sleep because I am tired. I may not realize, but apparently he does. Maybe there's some stubborness coming out in me.
        Well anyways, the work day started and as usual I just didnt want to go to work. I just wanted to get it over with, but it passed by pretty fast. I got to take my first phone order and it was amazing. The guy was really understanding and was patient as I took his order and made sure I had it right in the computer. It was kind of cool to take the orders and all. I just wanted to learn because I felt that I was just standing around doing nothing while everyone else was doing the cheese and making the pizzas. So I jumped in and started helping out.
        After helping out there we left and went to door hang again for another day. I'm beginning to hate it and am feeling nervous about it today after my coworker almost got beat up by this guy. He wasnt doing anything wrong, just walking up and putting fliers on the door. Well this guy came flying out of his house and was like "Can I fucking help you with something?" and my associate just replied we were hanging fliers and apologized to the man. Well the guy didnt even apologize for flying off the handle but warned my coworker that we might want to be careful and that the other houses wouldnt take it too lightly as he did because there had been about ten houses broken into on the street. I'm not usually one to get nervous very often, but this sent a little chill in me and a little birdie was going "lets go to another street". Thankfully he felt the same and we went the next street over. The amazing thing was after we got done doorhanging, I had asked if the store had spotted other drivers before because he had mentioned it; I was afraid of not making it to work on low gas and just wanted to make sure i had plenty. Well, he told me that he wasnt sure but that he could pay for it if it was only like $10 of gas. I honestly protested and told him that he didnt have to do that. He said that it was okay because he doesnt pay a lot of bills and that he has money just sitting around. I told him thank you and told him I would pay him back tomorrow when I got my paycheck cashed, which he insisted that I didnt have to worry about it. I couldnt believe it that he was willing to do that. I hate that he paid for it though and I tried telling him I would pay him back, but he wouldnt hear anything. I guess I may have to find a way to like slip the ten dollars to him without him knowing because I feel bad and really do want to pay him back. Much like the I hate feeling like I'm using people. I could either do that or set it aside for something and I pay for him or something like that.
         After I got off work, i decided to do the nice thing and bring my mom and some of her coworkers some pizza and breadsticks. This is partially because we had a whole lot of extra dough to get rid of and I took at least 3 orders of breadsticks plus the pizza, cinnasticks, and breadsticks I had gotten. I ended up having 2 slices of the pizza and a couple cinnasticks for lunch. On a side note, those cinnasticks are A-Mazing!!! I love them and they are so yummy and just extremely good. But I got to my moms work and nobody was there, but the pizza and all went into the fridge. Apparently the police department there likes living off leftovers so they had plenty of breadsticks and pizza for them. But I was upset because my mom didnt really talk to me or ask me how my Easter was or anything. It was as if life just didnt exist really. I mean it did, but she showed no interest in how things had gone for me. She asked me the usual question of how are things with me and if anything was new but didnt really delve into things. On top of that I told her I wasn't single anymore and that I was dating someone and she asked how I met him and didnt even really want to know anything about him or if I was happy. It was just like she blew me off and shrugged off my being happy because I had met him off a dating site. After that I just cant forgive her for things, as much as I want to because that was the final blow. I'm so ready to cry over it, but at the same time I dont want to shed another tear over her.
        I hate feeling like crap over the whole family situation, but a part of me is still struggling with the idea that I dont have to constantly please everyone else first before making sure that I'm happy, I'm learning that it's more important to focus on myself and make sure that I'm happy then worry about everyone else. The funny thing was that my sister told me the same thing that he did. It was amazing and he honestly didnt hurt my feelings, but its good to know that there are people that are there to back me up and support me no matter what. He has always voiced that he wants to make sure I'm happy and will back me up fully. He's there to support me. It's weird because I ask myself everyday what I did to deserve such an amazing guy like him. He says the right things when I need to hear them and can make me laugh when I'm so upset that all I want to do is cry. I just am so thankful that he is in my life. I cant imagine my life without him right now really. He is so amazing and I've never been happier. It's not that he's able to say all the right things and do the right things, it's just he truly cares. There's just no way to describe how perfect he is, even though he doesnt think so. He is the man of my dreams and so much more. Even though I dont know his flaws just yet, he knows mine (at least some of them) and has accepted them. i honestly know that no matter what his flaws are he is a good person and I really do care about him and I'm slowly finding that I am falling more and more in love with him everyday. I'm scared to tell him that one little word, but I know it can wait. I know not to rush things, but I know this feeling is like no other.
        I guess it's weird gushing about him, but it seems he completely fills my life. He's always in my thoughts and when I'm not talking with him I miss him and cant wait to see him on cam again. I am so excited and cant wait until May. I'm nervous but more excited then anything because I will finally be able to see what being held in his arms feel like and see his personality in person. I'm excited and just wish there was a magical button to make time fly. I guess in between now and then I just get to deal with it and work my hardest for time to fly past. I just hope I dont get in anymore trouble for my smart mouth because I can feel it starting back up again. I think I may lose it after that first spanking because i think right now I'm up to 30 or 40 smacks. I lost count, but I'm sure he hasnt. I just hope it's not with that belt because the belt hurts, but oh well. I do deserve it for my mouth. It's just hard for me to control it, but I guess now is a better time then any to learn.

Forgetting the Past and Moving into the Present

   Wow, what a fun but long day. I can say after yesterday I wasnt quite sure what to feel with the way things were going with my parents. I killed time hanging around McDonalds yesterday and then left for my recruiter's. I had heard from my mother for the first time in about three to four days and it surprised me. She called me asking if I wanted to meet up with her and my aunt for dinner so I told her if I got out from my meeting I would. She agreed and I told her I would call and let her know when I found out more details.
       My drive to the meeting was uneventful, other then I was hoping that the email and journal I had sent were acceptable to him. I mean it was a constant thought in my head. I just hoped that he would like the ideas I presented because it was coming from my heart. I think he would be fine with it though. I headed towards the recruiter and got there with plenty of time. Come to find out we were all going mini bowling together and it was going to be over at 6:30. So I called my mom to let her know and she told me that she was going to go ahead and eat. I hate to admit it, but after her telling me they just couldnt wait that long to eat, I felt hurt and crushed. I mean this was added onto me already getting ditched on Easter weekend. I think my emotions on that are starting to overflow. I'll admit I was extremely upset, but I did what I did best and hid it from everyone around me(with the only person knowing is him).
         We went mini bowling and it was so much fun. I was texting him the entire time because in all honesty I hate going for periods of time without hearing from him. We talked about various things and I was offered to have a drink bought for me even though I said I couldnt afford it. The guy who rode with us and was bowling with us, offered to buy me a drink. Later he also ended up buying the pizza that the three of us split. It wasnt the greatest pizza but hey it was food and I wasnt complaining. I felt bad because he was paying for it and I insisted that he didnt have to. I was still remembering the lesson from the other day that I dont want to be seen as taking advantage of people. It was so much fun though. We bowled and I got quite a few strikes. Then we played DDR and I can honestly say it wasnt as hard as I thought it was going to be. I had so much fun and I even played it in a skirt.
       After finishing up mini bowling we headed back to the recruiter's office and I hung out there for a little bit. We were talking with a guy there about various things. He had mentioned he had gotten in an accident, but was okay. Although his truck definitely wasnt from the pictures he showed us. My sis and I talked with the other recruiter about various things and then I finally decided to leave. Right before I was getting ready to leave, my mom called me. She asked me if I was coming over and due to them headed back to the hosue I couldnt come over because of my gas situation. If she had offered to help me out a little bit then I would have gone see her, but there was no offer. I feel that it's a two way street on me going to see them, but if I cant afford it I'm not going to stress myself out anymore. Well my aunt called me a few seconds later asking if I was coming over and when I told her no, she got frustrated because she claimed I was already in the area. I wasnt in the area and was another 30 minutes away from them and didnt have the money to get to them.
       Well heading home, I became really uspet. I just couldnt figure out what to do and was more hurt then anything. I hate having to hide how I feel about the situation with my parents, but the only person that knows how I feel and how upset I have gotten with it all is him. He has seen me at the worse and best. I just feel that for everyone else I have to put up a wall. Like yesterday I had a wall up about my emotions and hid just how hurt and upset I was and held the tears in til I was on my own. I hate people seeing me cry and there are few that have done so. I just feel lost as to how the relationship is to continue but at the same time I want to move on, but also want to let them know how I feel. It's just so confusing, but thankfully he has been there for me so far. He has been there for me comforting me with me being upset and is totally understanding of it all. I'm still hurt but thankfully he can make me laugh and smile when all I want to do is curl up and cry.
        Well last night was fun and I got to check my facebook for an hour. After getting home he read my journal entry and liked the ideas I had listed. The corner time he liked a lot and I showed him later what the position looked like for me. He liked the position and it is now the position I am to be in when I get in trouble. I am to get into that position until I'm told otherwise. I admit that I'm glad that he's okay with my ideas and didnt think it was cheating at all. I just couldnt think of anything really, although the corner time was my idea. I think I will be sitting in the corner and not able to talk for a period of time when I see him. That will kill me because I love talking and hate not being able to. But I do know that I need to learn and he will be teaching me a lesson with it.
         I went through today as normal and had so much fun. I felt frustrated, but it wasnt any more then usual. I just got frustrated that I had to work but I didnt really want to. I got a text message from him this morning telling me good morning and I love it because I'm not sure if he knows it, but he's motivation to make it through the day and earn the money. I have to admit that him texting me throughout the day helps me make it through the long day and the double shifts. I think it's cute and love that he wants me to check in when I go out for runs because he wants to make sure I'm safe. I'm just ready to start going on runs and making tips.
       I felt amazing talking to him tonight and it's amazing just listening to him talk and watch him smile. It's funny because a couple of my friends have noticed the recent updates and changes and are curious. It makes me feel so happy to talk about him, although I keep a good bit private and to myself, but its amazing still knowing all the time that I'm his and that I trust him and he trusts me. It's a wonderful feeling and I love it. It makes me so happy and my friends have realized just how happy I am. I removed pictures today on my facebook of Jackass and it felt so good to get rid of that part of my life. There was so much that went on in my life and before I had wanted to delete the pictures but just couldnt. I felt there was some memory there and I should keep them for some reason. Well after hearing him say he didnt like them and ask me if I could remove them(which I can understand after looking at them---since I hadnt looked at them since me and Jackass had broken up in october). I realized that I was trying to hold onto something(in the past) and that there was no reason for me to keep those pictures. He was the same old person and always would be. I gladly and with no restraint or second thoughts deleted the pictures on there.
        I cant wait and am excited for early May to come up now. I'm thinking of planning something (or at least getting ideas together) and seeing what he thinks once I have everything together. I'm so excited and am just ready to see him because I feel like it will be so amazing to finally see him and have him hold me in his arms. I am just excited to see him, but also nervous because I'll be getting my first punishment. I dont think this month can pass by fast enough.

Sweet Wonder

   Man, today has been such a long day. I hate having to work split shifts because it makes the day seem so much longer. I worked early this morning from 10am-12pm and then later tonight from 4pm-8pm. It was a lot better though because I worked door hanging with S and M. They are like the slackers of the whole group, but not really slackers to be honest. We relaxed in the car and then went and hung a little bit on the apartments. THey were so small that we didnt really have a lot to do and were done with them in about 45 minutes.
       I think the morning went by faster for me though because I spent a good bit of the time texting him. It makes time fly by every time I talk to him. I found myself smiling especially when he said to me that he wanted to make sure he was the man that I wanted. I would have cried happy tears right then and there. Although, funny thing was, I was told not to cry happy tears because I was at work. I wanted to argue some, but I think after last night and my ban from Facebook twice in a row, I was going to be good today. He thought that was good and funny. Funny thing was when I was browsing the bookstore today looking at books on the lifestyle. It was a first for me, but it felt good to look for something about it and to tell him because I know he wouldnt laught at me.
            I have to admit that I find myself thinking about him more everyday and crave talking with him. I spent the morning wondering about an offer that was given last night. I know that I am very stubborn when it comes to accepting help but something in me is saying that I might want to accept his help. He has offered me a place to stay rent free and my bills would be paid. But I have to admit that part of me is nervous to accept the help. I've had help offered to me before with so many strings attached, but with him I know it's different. It's purely out of an "I want to help you and make sure you're taken care of" mindset. I admit that I'm having a debate in my mind over what to do.
      Last night I vaguely remember talking to him on the phone and after texting him today I realized that he is the first person that I have ever talked to on the phone and fell asleep. It was amazing and everything I thought it was. It's funny because there are so many other things that I havent experienced, much like kissing in the rain to dancing in the rain or laying under the stars, but I can see myself doing them with him. I know that I must have patience when it comes to seeing him, but I'm willing to wait. It's like the quote I found when I was dating someone that I thought I loved. I feel that I truly am falling in love with him more and more everyday. I havent even been in his arms yet or seen him face to face but I know that I'm HIS and always will be. I feel it everytime we talk. I hear the concern in his voice, especially when I got some bad advice and had a bad weekend. He was there to comfort me and offer advice on how to mend a situation. He doesnt have to prove himself to me, but yet he strives to do it everyday. He keeps telling me that he wants to make sure I'm happy and I know I am.
        I find myself thinking that I really am in love. I'm not sure and really am scared to admit it. I am scared that it will be thrown back in my face like it was before. It's kind of like the lyrics in a new song that I have come to love, "I know you've heard those three words from others but they fell flat, but this ring aint something I mean to give and then take back". I know he's not giving me a ring (not to scare him or anything that I'm already thinking of marriage, more of me giving him my heart). I have told someone I love them before and it was taken back and thrown right back in my face before. I know what I'm feeling is true because it's like no other, but I dont want to say anything until I hear it from him. I guess that goes with my cautious nature and my fear of rejection. I dont want to say them and cause him to run off because I feel this way about him.
       Oddly enough the one thing that soothes my patience and lets me know he cares is when I hear the two words or see the two words written "little one". It's his name for me and I know that he cares when he uses it, not that he doesnt care when he's not using it, but I just dont know how to describe it. It's amazing though because the more I talk with everyone, and questions do arise as to whether I have a man in my life, I respond to questions with pride that I do have someone in my life that is extremely sweet and amazing. There's just no words that can explain how I feel. I could try, but it wouldnt do it justice.
      I think that in the future, I really would like to meet. I'm getting anxious and find him in my every waking moment and my dreams. I have had a couple bad dreams, but its nice to know that he's going to be there to comfort me when I have them. He doesnt want me to have bad dreams, but be happy. I am truly happy being his and am really excited to get into the lifestyle and see what things are life in person, much like my thoughts yesterday. It's just more and more I have become curious and the need has been there for so long. I know it's somewhat close to lusting for it, but it's not. I can patiently wait til the day I get to see him and look into his eyes and feel his touch. I may not have a lot of patience, but my patience will hold out til then.

New job creates new possibilities

Wow, so today was a good day for me. I think I really am starting to like my new job. I'm actually happy to go to work. I must admit this morning, I thought about going back to sleep, but I didnt. I knew it'd be wrong of me to not want to go to work just becasue I was tired. I got sleep, but woke up off and on(seems to be a common theme this week). I left and went to work and came in we were swamped. We had one order that was about $550 before the discount. 31 pizzas total....it was like chaos because we had that order plus about four others ones.
    I had so much fun learning how to make pizzas. It was so cool...I learned how to make pepperoni pizza, supreme pizzas, and sausage pizzas, and hawaiian pizzas. THey all looked so yummy and I really liked the look of the garlic breadsticks :). The cool thing is with two of the managers there I get free pizzas. I like that and may bring my mom some for lunch later this week if she wants to.
    I have to say I love to drink, sadly havent done it lately because of the possible risk if I get caught in public, but I do so every now and then just not enough to really do anything. My sis brought me a Sparks and I cant wait to drink it. It's yummy and well needed after a hard week. I cant wait to see what else happens...
    I'm liking how things are going so far..It's like I'm slowly letting out who I really am and just becoming more of a girl and my natural self. Its totally cool because my friend even says I'm changing and becoming different since the time he met me. I'm curious to see how much more I will change. I also admit that I like finding my girly side. I find myself dressing more girly and wishing that I was experiencing the lifestyle already, but patience is a virtue sometimes.
    I had fun later today, after getting lunch with my friend(where payback was oh so much fun for him----getting them to embarass him by doing the happy birthday), I left and headed home. I got home and checked my mail. After doing that, I went outside and tanned. I laid down 45 minutes each side with an extra 15 minutes for my front. I wonder if I'll have tan lines, but then again I cant exactly go topless outside. If I ever was to do that, I would have to go to the tanning bed. It felt good to lay outside and tan and I fell asleep a little bit listening to my ipod and relaxing in the sun. I think i may plan to lay outside for a little bit everyday to get myself a tan.
    I cant wait for later tonight. I have small group for church at 7 and am curious how that will go. Thankfully it wont last long and then I'm home for the night. I'm curious as to what will be talked about tonight and cant wait to see if I got some color from today. I have a feeling I may be a little bit burnt.