Monday, October 21, 2013

Updates....oh and some thoughts thrown in too!

   Wow, so i just realized that it has been a little over a month since i have written last. Maybe that is why i feel like there are so many emotions swirling around in my head. Either way, it is definitely something that is much needed and right now i feel i need to get everything out in the open either way.
    So i feel that i should get this out in the open and hopefully it doesn't come off the way that i don't want it to. Master i am throwing this disclaimer out right now that there is nothing displeasing about what You are doing, it is what im doing/not doing that i am unhappy about.
    Best place to start is to catch up on our lives recently. Master and i are FINALLY back in our own place. Thankfully we found a place that was the perfect price range, quiet community, excellent amenities and everything. It is amazing, but the only downside is that we have neighbors below us that we have to take care not to stomp and things of that nature. Plus we also have a neighbor beside us. It is frustrating having to be careful about our activities because we definitely don't want to alarm our neighbors by them hearing Master smacking me or giving me a spanking. This makes it hard for me to concentrate, especially since i know that there is the possibility that our neighbors can hear us. This happened yesterday when Master punished me for getting upset at Him for no reason. It was hard because the smack of the hairbrush echoes in our room.
     Other than that fear, this new place is amazing because i am able to clean up at leisure, do laundry and not worry about it being moved to make way for someone else's if they need it, and just being able to get back to being us in general. Having our own space and not being looked at funny because we do things a certain way is certainly a blessing and i have never been so thankful to be in our own place in my life. It makes me more thankful that we were able to get this place. It happened out of a bad situation with His family, but i will choose to leave that out of this post because it is a HUGE problem with me but Master knows how i feel concerning this.
     So there is a couple things that i have been struggling with since we moved in here and i feel bad because Master has even told me that i am bad at communicating at times. It has taken me a little while to figure out how to voice what i feel about these two things, but now that i know what it is, i can only hope that it doesn't upset Him/hurt Him/make Him feel like He is doing anything wrong. Reading on FL, i came across a post in one of the groups i belong to about who cooks in the family and it got me thinking about us. Since we have moved in here, aside from last night Master has cooked just about every night. Now don't get me wrong, i really don't mind Master cooking and love His cooking. He cooks just as well as i do if not better at quite a few meals. However, there is a part of me that struggles with this and only after reading that post did i realize what it was about---Master cooking. It has nothing to do with His style of cooking or anything like that, but that simply put He is the one cooking and not me. Ever since things have changed in our dynamic to shift towards the M/s dynamic, i have felt that it is more my duty to do the things like keep the house clean, do the laundry, cook, and just make sure everything is running smoothly and that Master is completely happy. Now don't get me wrong, i don't mind sharing the kitchen with Him but to me it feels like i should be the one doing it while He is in the living room watching our child and watching tv. Before we moved into the apartment, He even allowed me to buy an apron so that i could wear it for Him while i cook but it still hangs up in the kitchen. Its just weird because in a way its like im jealous maybe that He is cooking and im not, but it makes me wonder if this is normal for someone in our dynamic. Do the other slaves that their Masters cook feel this way? Believe me i don't mind it, but i feel it is something that is my duty as a slave to do and i feel like im not doing my job properly in that He has been cooking. Maybe i need to ask Him and see if it is just that He likes cooking and im not doing anything wrong and maybe we should switch off cooking so we both get to cook or something...ahhh i don't know.
       On the other hand, there is another issue that i have realized too after reading in the same group above that i have going on. It seems that i have been letting things go and unconsciously pushing buttons or forgetting things (not on purpose or intentionally trying to push the limits). There are things that i have done that i know Master would have punished me for before but He has been hesitant on. Just recently we had one night where it left me wanting and DEFINTELY feeling owned, but then it was like we went back to ourselves, well vanilla selves. It just leaves me feeling like sometimes the M/s dynamic of our life gets pushed to the side and i feel that it shouldn't. Coming back from visiting family in the south, i had never felt more slavely (is that a word) in my life when it came to Him. He pushed me and played with me and pushed my buttons. We have had a few nights of this since moving in, but nothing like that ride coming back and the amazing way it made me feel so connected with my lil one self and with Master. Its hard to put into words exactly what im feeling concerning this, but its almost like i feel like we should go back to the root of things and go over the rules and what works for us and doesn't and if some of the rules that we first thought up don't work then change them. That is one thing i have learned is that this lifestyle changes and sometimes you grow and change as a result. Things that worked when we first got together will be different this time around because we have a child and have to be cautious of the people we are around. Now i feel we just need to figure that part out and remember that the lifestyle is who we are (although we are excellent together as a vanilla couple too, but the lifestyle is at the core of who we are because neither me nor Master could function without it in our lives). So now that we have our own place, maybe it is time to sit down again and talk about the rules and what is expected of me and see where that leads and go from there. Who knows, in the future it may need even more tweaking because nothing is ever perfect when it is first started.
      It has been a crazy road for me and nothing has made me happier and feel more loved by Master and more like His slave then when He pushes my boundaries, like He did on the way home from our trip. He knows just how to make me feel secure and loved and like lil one. There are times that i know that i will disappoint Him or upset Him and times that He will need to punish me, but i know that in doing so He is forgiving me and allowing me to clear my slate with Him. One can only hope that things continue to progress for the both of us and i look forward to even more amazing moments as His lil one as we explore things here.
        On a happier note, Master and i are getting ready to delve into the lifestyle and brave out into the world of munches and play parties. It is harder having to ensure schedules match and that our child is taken care of, but we are excited about getting to know people in our area that are kinky and to really explore this side of ourselves because vanilla friends for us just don't cut it because they don't understand our dynamic and it is easier t be around like minded people, especially if i do something wrong and Master gives me the look or something they understand what is going on. It is exciting and to be honest i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited about going to my first ever munch. Not quite sure when it will be yet, but im excited and nervous and just ready to see what it is all about. Believe me i know it is not all about sex and orgies and things like that, but friendship and talk about things and just making friends.
      Well, i guess that is about enough excitement going on in our lives for now. This semester is starting to wind down and im thankful for that, but still gotta make it to the December before im done and get a break until the next load starts. Best wishes and hopefully i can check in tomorrow after talking with Master about these feelings im having.