Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Beginning---chapter 1

*****This is my first time putting this writing up on here. Im working on a book that I started writing quite a few years ago. It is a work in progress and now I'd love to see what other people think before I start adding more chapters to it. Please feel free to leave me some feedback as to what you think. If people like it, I may add more. Thank you for reading this and enjoy. This is just the first chapter of at least twenty-two that are written right now.*****

 I had just gotten into the door of my house when I heard my phone ring. I ran to pick it up before the answering machine and in the process sent my phone and keys and various other items to the floor. "Hello, this is Michelle." I said.

"Michelle, this is police chief John. We have a situation down here at the office. Can you come in? We really need you." I heard coming from the other side of the line.

"Sure. Just give me a few minutes to take a shower and then I'll be on my way after I grab a bite to eat, of course." I said.

"Thank you. I will see you in a few minutes," came the reply followed by a click. I headed to take a shower, wondering what was so wrong at the office that they needed my help. I thought of all the different things that could possibly have happened. Maybe a prisoner was loose or someone just wanted to talk to me. Whichever one it was, I was unsure about why they wanted me there. None of these would come close to the facts of the situation though.
**********

 "I cant wait to get off this bus and show Mommy my good report from Mrs. Bishop for this week." Bethany told her sister.
 
Bethany had been bugging her older sister for the past hour and a half. The two were only four years apart, but it seemed like more. Bethany was a spitting image of her mother. She had her mother's platinum blonde curls and round face. Beth also had her mother's temper and easy sense of humor. Danielle, on the other hand, was more outgoing but had inherited her father's good sense of judgment. The two fought over various things, but they knew they loved each other. Neither knew this bond would be tested in just a few short hours.

"Alright already! You've said that about a million times already. Would you quit it!" her irritated sister replied.

"No! This is quite fun annoying you so much."

"Well, if that's how you want to be, then I'll poke you every couple of seconds until you quit saying that."

"No you wont. Anyways, if you do, mom will have a cow when I tell her." came the quick reply from Beth's peeved sister.

"Well, like you said, she would have a cow when you tell her, but you left out one small detail. That's only if mom finds out." Danielle proudly said.

"You wouldn't dare try and stop me from telling her would you?" her sister questioned.

"Maybe I will, but maybe I won't. It depends on what you're going to give me in return."

"I guess I could quit repeating that saying about how I cant wait to get home and show Mommy my report."

"Excellent idea! Now give me your hand and we can shake on it."

So they did. Beth left her sister alone for the rest of the trip home.

 **********

 I just stepped out of the nice, warm shower when I heard the phone ring. "Hmmm... I wonder who's calling me. It's probably the chief wondering where I'm at." I thought to myself, but I would be wrong yet again. So, I ran to answer it, "I'm sorry chief, but I told you that I would be there in a few minutes. I'm going to grab something to eat and then I'll be there. Ok??? Hello??? Are you there???" I huffed into my phone. Immediately after I asked if someone was there, I heard a click in my ear. "Guess he got my point." I thought to myself. I went back down the hall and continued to get ready.

 **********

 Meanwhile, Bethany and Danielle reached their house. "Finally! We're home!" Beth exclaimed. She ran from the bus to her front porch and reached it in a few seconds.

"Hurry up and open the door Beth. I have my hands full and cant open it right now." Danielle huffed as she came up behind her sister.

"Alright, give me a minute Mrs. Impatient." she replied. She opened the door and stepped into the entrance way of the house.

"Keep it down. You know mom doesn't like you yelling in the house. All it takes is for you to say 'Mom we're home.'"

"Yeah right, Mom never told me that. You sure that that's not just something you're making up?"

"No, its not. Remember she told us that day she caught us messing around and yelling at each other from other areas of the house. It was that day we were playing marco polo in the house and dad had some important business call he was on." came the reply.

Beth realized that her sister was right and she placed that thought in her mind to make sure she didn't yell again. She could remember the punishment that she and her sister had to deal with and she didn't like it at all. Just thinking of it sent a chill down her spine. "I better let go of this thought" she said to herself. Beth followed her sister into the kitchen and almost burst out with her good news, but caught herself when she realized that her sister was still in the room.

"I'm going to go and put my stuff in my room mom," Danielle said.

"I wish I was old enough to have my own room," thought Beth. Beth had no memories of a time where she had a room without her younger sister Elizabeth in it. It was this reason that she always wanted a room of her own even though she knew that she would probably never get one, at least until Danielle moved out anyway. It still didn't hurt to ask whenever she thought about it. "Hey mom, when can I have my own room like Danielle?" she questioned.

"Maybe in a few years honey. You're just not old enough right now and I'm sure that Elizabeth is quite happy that one of her two big sisters is sharing a room with her. Besides we don't have the space right now for you to have your own room. Not with Danielle and your brother needing their own space. We've already had this conversation before Beth." her mother said in a kind of matter-of-fact way.

"Oh, by the way mom, I have some really good news from school today. Here's the report from Mrs. Bishop. It's really good isn't it?"

"Ummm... let me see the report and then I can tell you whether it's good or bad," Beth's mom said.
Beth handed her mom the piece of paper, she opened it up, and slowly read it.

 **********

 I hurried to gather all my stuff so I could get out the door. I couldn't quite get rid of the feeling that I was forgetting something when I locked my door. This feeling would later come back to haunt me, when I realized I left my phone. It wasn't until I reached my car that I remembered I hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast. "Hmmm... I think I need to gran something to eat." I said to myself. I got into my car and breathed in the fresh scent of Febreeze as I slipped into the driver's side. "Maybe I could stop at the little neighborhood market down the road. I know i'm running a little late, but I think the chief could wait a few more minutes. A full stomach is better than an empty one, isn't it? So, I started my car and backed out of my steep driveway. "I hope that I don't scrape my car on the bottom of my driveway again. I need to talk to someone about getting this thing fixed." I said. Immediately afterwards, I heard the sound of metal scraping the ground. "Darn it! I cant believe I did it again. Im going to park on the side from now on until I get it fixed or something done with it." I rambled on to myself. I continued on my way towards the store thinking of what I was going to get that would satisfy my hunger craving. Little did I know, but a blast from the past was about to turn my life upside down in a way I never expected.

 *********

 "So what do you think mommy?" came the small little voice from behind the piece of paper. Sandy lifted the piece of paper to look at her daughter, Bethany.

"I think that it is very great sweetie. Where's your sister? Will you go get her and tell her to come in her please? I think that we need to have a little bit of a talk about this." her mother calmly said.
This kind of frightened Beth a little bit. Even though she knew how to read, and had since she was three, she didn't dare touch that note to find out what it was for fear of her mother finding out and punishing her severely, similar to the marco polo game incident. She returned to her mother and told her that Danielle would be in here in a minute. "What's the matter mommy?" Is there something bad in the report?" she questioned.

"No sweetie. I just want to talk with your sister and get her opinion on this too before I tell your teacher my decision. I want this to be a family decision." Sandy replied.

Beth could tell her mother was between anxious and nervous. The lines that had formed from years of worrying on her mother's forehead were furrowed. Beth became a little alarmed, but she quickly calmed herself down by telling herself that there was nothing to worry about. She began to notice that her mother seemed dazed. "She seems like me when I got the wind knocked out of me in gymnastics class." she quietly thought to herself. Then she decided that she would ask her mother a question about the note. "Mommy, is it about me skipping a grade?" she timidly asked, hoping that was it.

"Not exactly. You'll see in a minute what it is when your sister gets in here. Danielle get in her now!" she hollered.

Danielle entered the kitchen a few minutes later. "What? I told Beth that I wasn't coming because I had too much homework to do and she's not supposed to be bothering me anyway." she retorted.

"Danielle Freeman! I know that you did not just tell me that you considered your sister to be bugging you. I sent her in there to get you because we need to have a little discussion as a family," she began to yell.

All three sat down at the kitchen table and began discussing the note from Mrs. Bishop. "So I can only skip a grade ahead if I take one of their tests?" Beth questioned.

"Yes. They say that you're very smart for your age and they would like you to take this test to see if you can skip a grade and do more challenging work." her mother soothed.

"But mom, you wouldn't let me do that. Why are you going to let her do that? It's not fair!" Danielle whined.

"No one said that life was fair. Besides, you weren't chosen for this test. That was another test darling." came the smooth reply from Sandy.

So the discussion continued until Beth and Danielle's mom realized that she hadn't started dinner yet. "Oh my goodness. I haven't started dinner yet and your sister will be home soon and we all know that she loves to eat my dinners." she cried. "I guess we're going to have to go to the store and pick something up. I think that you deserve a treat while we're there, Beth. So you and Danielle can go pick out a treat while I get the stuff for dinner. Now go and get your coats," she told them. They went and got their coats and all three climbed into the car and headed towards the little neighborhood market. None of them knew the danger that lay in store for them when they got there.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Moment of clarity or breakthrough thought process?

    So today has been a self thought type of day. There has been a lot of mumbo jumbo running around in my brain and it is hard trying to discern everything and figure out what is what. This may be a long rambling post, but the good thing about this being a blog for me is that i'm writing this to get it out there and if someone doesnt like it they can always move on to the next bdsm/lifestyle blog right? Call me calloused after saying that, but i feel that in my life i have done a lot of caring about what other people think. After a conversation last night with my grandfather and the words of Master reverberating through my head over that whatever someone does it isnt up to me to judge them. I can not like it or disagree with it, but ultimately it isnt up to me to decide how it turns out. Now with this being said, i have come to realize that a lot of the times i worry what people think about me and i try not to show too much because i dont want to give people the wrong impression. Master even commented about it and told me that it was almost like i was living in my own little shell when He first met me. He felt that i was so naive and innocent and acted that way. There are a lot of things that i havent done with Him because i was nervous about what if someone found out somehow or something along those lines, but thanks to getting out of my old career i dont have to worry about it as much as i did before. The biggest consequence now is losing a job instead of facing possible jail time for myself.
    Anyways, my mind is made up that once these next few days are over with, i am going to set about becoming the person that Master knows i am inside, the person our baby needs, and a more social butterfly. There are things that i keep putting off and putting off because i just dont feel like it and then i get moments where i have self-loating of how im so fat and i feel like i look horrible. If i feel that way and i really want to do something, it is about time that i get off my lazy butt and start working out and holding myself accountable. This is something i have to do for myself and if Master wants to throw in an added bonus of rewards/punishments then so be it, but for now i am doing this one alone. My mind is made up and Master knows that when i usually make my mind up to something there is not really any changing it. So im curious to see where this road will take me. Starting the day i know Aunt flo has left, i will be working out and keeping track of every little bite that i eat and how i feel and if i take my medicine or not. Right now i have a very high cholesterol and it was a joke or it seemed like one to me before but i realized its not a joke and could kill me in a few years if i dont do something to change it.   
Master and i have discussed my blog post from the other date about how i felt confused and then had a moment of clarity later in the day that i was upset about the circumstances we were in. Earlier tonight i had a subtle reminder when browsing through the K and P section of FL where i saw this writing about a submissive or slave that was upset and her Master reminds her that she submits to Him everything and not just her body. It is up to me to remember this because if not im failing Master and failing Master means i disappoint Him and i dont ever want to do that. My mind, heart, body, soul, cares, worries, fears, everything is His and He has agreed to bear the burden. If He tells me not to worry about something, then i dont need to worry about it. If He says that we will be okay and that if something doesnt come through we will be fine, He knows that somehow we will figure out something and we will all be taken care of. He is the protector of me and our baby and i wouldnt want it any other way.
    This brings me to another point.....Master and i have talked about trying new things in the lifestyle and there are a few things that i'd like to try. Looking on Master's profile to remind myself of what He liked and didnt like and what i was looking to try, i found a few things. These are what Master has said that He likes and is into and i am craving to try it. He has indicated that He likes bondage,rope bondage/suspension, candle wax, and outdoor bondage. All of these seem very exciting to me and of course there is still the unpursued idea of Master having two submissives at His feet and to do with what He wishes. In my mind, i am itching to try this because this would be an amazing experience and a part of me is very curious what it would be like to try everything there is with another girl with Master there of course. The other thing that i havent told Master yet is that i have a craving to possibly go to a munch or a play party. Neither of us has ever talked about it before, but the idea of being around others and just showing how much i love Master and see if they really are like what i have read about. Plus i really would like to see what it is like to see the different aspects of the lifestyle that are shown at these kinds of things and also to be around people that are just like us. Sometimes i feel alone and that is also a part of the new me...with Master's encouragement of course i have put myself out there and am trying to make new friends in the lifestyle. :) So far i have been talking to a couple, but im not sure where things will go with either one of them. Either way if it happens, it happens and if not i know that i did nothing wrong in trying to talk to them. The other thing that i would love to try more of and this is weird coming from me is more anal. The way Master has worked with my ass and how it takes Him hurts but feels good at the same time. The way it hurts is such a good feeling kind of hurt that oh my goodness, i am just drooling about it right now. He has truly made my whole body His that during Aunt flo, i find myself missing Him fucking me like He does. Last night Master had me sucking His cock and He kept running His hand over my ass (i love it when He does that especially when im laying down in bed and writing in my blogger). All i kept thinking was that i wshed He would take my ass and use it for His pleasure. It was weird because i felt like He wanted to, but He was unsure because of whats going on down there. All i kept think was "please Master just pull my shorts down and fuck my ass hard and use me like your submissive". He has called me an anal whore before and oddly enough during the moment i really do feel like one because i love it so much. There is just no way to describe the feeling and i still cant believe im saying i like it before because it used to scare me. Now i find myself wanting it and thinking of maybe trying a butt plug or something along those lines for Master one day. Oh there are so many ideas and im hoping that He knows after reading this just how much i love Him using my body for His pleasure. It makes me feel so good knowing that my ass is giving Him the pleasure that it is, especially during times that He cant really have His pussy. :D He has tried a vibrator in my pussy, i wonder what about my ass and if it feels the same. Wow there are so many different places this could go.

 
(i dont claim any ownership for these pictures, they are found by internet search)
    So my mind is thankfully decluttered now and it is up to Master to see where things go from here. There are no promises that i wont have days where i am not myself, but i plan on getting back to the lil one that Master first met and fell in love with and stay that way. It may be hard at first, but i know that we will get back into the swing of things and get back to being the Master and lil one that we were before our baby came along (not that we arent Master and lil one now, it just feels different). The path will be tough and probably filled with a few punishments/other things, but with Master beside me i know that i will make it. :D The future already looks brighter, even if i dont have any job prospects right now.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Moment of clarity?

   For some reason today my emotions have been more off center than usual, but i cant explain just why they are off. When asked earlier today why i was feeling blah and what it was and how to fix it, i couldnt even begin to describe it to Master or even a way to fix it. What is blah? How do you fix blah in someone who isnt quite sure how to fix it themselves? Well, in my case it didnt really get fixed but pushed under the rug.
   Frustrations lately seem to push me over the boiling point and i find myself losing my temper more often then i should. Now it isnt quite as much as i was before Master and i had the big talk and signed the rules, but it is a good deal and i am slightly concerned about it. Little things continue to add up and then i let them bother me and somehow some of them end up coming out against Master and He has to coax out of me why im upset or anxious or whatever i am at the moment. This afternoon at lunch was the perfect example because He had to coax out of my why i was upset. At first i thought i was upset at Him and things that are going on, but thinking it through after a few minutes of "i dont knows" and shrugging my shoulders and Him reminding me that we have had this talk before to finally get it out of me that it is the situation we are in.
    It has been almost two months since i was at work, but under a month since i got my last paycheck. It is worrying me that we still have about two more months left for me to start school and get a paycheck every month from that thanks to my benefits. We had some money saved up from our tax return, but it is slowly dwindling away and part of me is nervous as to what happens when it runs out and the school money hasnt started yet? We also still have to be able to pay for groceries and our other bills and just everything is starting to get to me. Plus on top of that, living with Master's grandparent is fine with me to help us save money but it is starting to wear me out. Our baby is at the age where they are starting to climb on the coffee table we have and cry when we tell them no they cant do something. Right after we tell them no, he is reaching in to try and pick them up or comfort them and is urging them to climb up to get to him when we dont want the baby learning it is okay to climb on the coffee table at all. It is hard because i feel that the baby is getting confusing messages when we see them crawling on the table and stop them but dont stop them when they get up and Master's grandparent takes the baby into their lap. It is basically counteracting us, but because the way both of us were raised neither one of us is going to tell this grandparent that they cant do that. We dont want to be seen as being disrespectful, especially since His grandparent is giving us a place to stay.
    Other minor frustrations also include that normally i am the one to clean up the kitchen, but every night i am getting told not to worry about it because we are the ones that cooked dinner and His grandparent can clean up. This same grandparent also cleans up after us, like if i put a dish in the sink after we use it after dinner, it is washed off and in the dishwasher the next morning. Normally i would be glad for the help but i feel this is part of my duties in taking care of things. It's taking away from the things i can do around here. It is just frustrating to go from having your own place to not wanting to step on the toes of someone else while you are in their house. Master had to turn the heat off in the house because this same grandparent didnt realize he still had it switched over to heat so the house is now comfortable to sit in, but Masters grandparent is now cold because they keep putting on sweaters and robes everynight.
    Writing all this has made me realize that part of the reason i have been so blah today is that i dont feel like my submissive self. There are so many things stopping me from doing my duties around here and then with this whole money situation i cant help but worry about our family and how we will make it. Earlier today i was mad because i felt like Master was brushing off the rules that i have broken and things have been let slide for some reason or another. But now i realize that it isnt His fault and more the situation we are in. Living with family, we have to watch we do especially since the family we are staying with are VERY religious and...yeah. Anyways, it wasnt His fault that He cant punish me like He would at our own house. He cant exactly put me in the corner in the middle of the day and at the end of the day after putting the baby in bed, there is not a whole lot of time for punishments. It is just a not good situation and i know it is NOT MASTER's FAULT AT ALL. It is my head putting these insecurities and trying to place blame onto them.
    It is weird how things suddenly become clear when you take a moment to think and examine things. It is stressful living in this situation, but i know that it is a short time deal. This living arrangment is just until we can get back on our feet again and i can get a job somewhere and Master can finish His certifications so that He can work. My mind has to wrap around the concept that this is only temporary and that i should do what i can for Master and try to make things easier on Him becasue He has a lot to deal with on His plate right now. I only wish that i had been able to tell Him all this earlier when He asked me what was wrong, but to be honest i didnt realize the issue until just now. When the timing is right, i know that i will get the punishments coming to me. Maybe it just means that for now while we are here, Master and i have to get a little creative as to the punishments and how they are given out. Whether that means doing like Master has done before and putting on the music channel, incorporating more gags during play and punishment (which i dont mind because i know i actually get somewhat loud sometimes), or even try making the huge walk in closet the punishment room and whatever i get punishment wise is doled out in there. Either way, i know that Master loves me and is doing the best job He can with the circumstances we are in. Being blah and dwelling on the bad of the situation isnt going to help either of us.
    On a side note, ive put myself out there and maybe made a few friends in the lifestyle through Fetlife. So far we are just talking, but who knows. Im just excited that people are talking to me and not sending a few emails and then running like a couple people have done. Its exciting and im working on getting out of my shell that i was put back in when we moved back up here.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Am i doing something wrong?

    Right now my feelings are jumbled around in my head and I am not sure if it is just the emotions from that time of the month or what it is. There are just thoughts that keep rolling around in my head and i am not sure what to believe if its in my head or if what i believe is really true.
    Lately i have been wondering about making friends in the lifestyle. It seems that when i talk to someone, they talk to me and then later for one reason or another they quit talking to me. It makes me wonder and become extremely self conscious. Am i doing something wrong and nobody wants to tell me or am i just that unsociable? It just really does make me wonder when i try to make new friends that should i say this or should i say that because i don't want to say or do the wrong thing.
   All that leads to me wondering have i been doing things wrong? Between moving and completely uprooting our lives and now living with family to not really having any friends to talk with or hang out with makes my moods go from here to there. It is just crazy how i feel that all these things are going on. On top of that since i have gotten out of the military, it has been hard trying to find a job. Now its not from me not trying. I have put it in at least 20 applications so far and only heard back from 3 jobs so far. One said that they had another candidate that was a better fit and the second said that because of some things that had happened it was outside of their guidelines. Im crossing my fingers that this newest one will bring something in. Its hard because i feel like theres so much pressure on me to ensure that we have money to pay the bills and for me and Master both to be able to go to school so that i can finish my degree and get that money from it and also for Master to be able to get His certifications back for his EMT. It is just so hard knowing all this and trying to find a job that we can support ourselves on and be able to go to school and all that. Master tells me not to worry about it, but it is hard not to worry about it. Its just hard not to worry about how to make sure that our bills are paid for and still have a little bit extra money to be able to do a few things as a family. Its hard trying to get my mind to where i can remind myself that i don't have to worry about it, but with our savings dwindling down for this time frame, it is hard not to.
    Call me crazy, but such is my life lately. My emotions bounce up and down and i feel lonely. It is hard not having friends in this area to be able to do things with or that understand how Master and i work. Im hoping that maybe putting myself out there and trying to make friends with people in our area will benefit me. Who knows, it might actually give me some parenting ideas too.
    I think for tonight i am going to snuggle with Master and put these thoughts in the back of my brain. Either way i know that i have Master and our baby girl there for me for now. I just hope that these next few times go by and that things start looking up for us.

Father's Day

   So today has been an amazing and wonderful day with Master to celebrate Father's day. He got to spend time with me and our little girl and hopefully it was an amazing day for Him. Today was His first father's day as a dad because last year this time we were waiting on whether or not our little girl was going to make her appearance in this world.
   This post is to wish my Master a happy father's day!!! Me and your baby girl love you so much!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Rough week is an understatement....

    So this week has most definitely been a rough week for both Master and me. At the beginning of the week, Master woke me up to inform me that our new german shepherd puppy that we had gotten was dead. It was heartbreaking for me because she hadn't been a part of our family long at all. To start off with, when we got her we found out that she had a major infestation of ring and roundworms. They were so bad that even the vet was shocked. She also had a heart murmur that the vet said was more than likely because of the large amount of worms in her body. When we got her, she was 9 weeks and 5 days old. We took her to the vet at 10 weeks and 4 days. Not even a week after taking her to the vet and getting medicine to treat the worms and then giving it to her, she died. Master found her in the bathroom after going in to use it and it was already too late. We had been putting her in the bathroom at night with a pillow and a towel over it to simulate her old surroundings with her littermates and mother. It just sucked to find out that she was sicker than either one of us ever thought possible. She had such a short life and she was already loved so much and was such a sweet and good dog that she didn't deserve to die. :( The only reason that i can think of is that the people who we got her from were complete idiots and didn't realize to deworm her and the rest of her littermates at 4 weeks, especially when i have a vet tell me that a 9 week old puppy should not have the amount of worms that she did. Ugh, end tangent although that doesn't end the pain of losing her.
    On another note, today Master and i got news that a family member passed away. It just sucks because this family member was looking forward to our child's first birthday. It just sucks finding out this kind of news and the timing isn't great, but when is the timing ever great to find out that a family member passed away? So now Master and i are dealing with that.
     So on to other news that is a little more spicy at least concerning Master and i. So far it has been a battle between the two of us and adjusting to the new rules that were set forth after Master came up with them. Lately, Master and i have been working on things and i have been trying to get better at communicating with him instead of bottling things up and getting mad at him. The first big to do after the rules was in the car on the way home. We were trying to figure out what to do for dinner and because of my health i have a limited amount of things/places i can eat. For some reason i cant eat red meat in huge quantities and very often at all. It was bad because He wasn't in the mood for what i suggested and it was all i could think about for what i could eat and our budget as far as choices went. So i got frustrated and then got mad and it just continued. To put it mildly that i was a bit upset was an understatement. Master and i stopped for a drink and while i was getting it, He brought up the rules and reminding me that i had signed them and showed me where it said that i wasn't allowed to shake my head as an answer to His questions. Master told me that i signed those rules and agreed to it that i would follow them and i wasn't acting like i was going to follow them. It hurt hearing those words come out of His mouth, but i knew that He was right and i wasn't acting like it. He told me that He loved me and the two of us made up, but it still sucked that i let Him down and wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. So far i haven't been punished for that, but then again sometimes Master does like to keep me on my toes and guessing when i will get my punishment for something. Sometimes He punishes me that night and others He punishes me days or a week or two later, letting me stew in my mess.
       This brings me to what i feel today. To me, im not sure if Master is just waiting until things calmed down or what the plan is but i know He has a plan....He always does!! Today has left me wondering about things. The past few days i have let a few things slip, not purposely, but it was one of those things where i just didn't feel like doing it. Right now there is laundry sitting across from me that is waiting to be folded (and will be taken care of first thing in the morning after i get up and am ready to go). Its just sometimes i feel like i just don't know what to feel and just feel blah, while at the same time i know that i need to be a good submissive and do these things. Lately i feel like im being a brat and sometimes wanting to push buttons, but there has been so much that has gone on that i don't want to be a brat to Master. That is not who i am and that is definitely not the person that Master met up with when He met me and we discussed what we liked and didn't like.
     Part of the rules for Master and i is that we try new things in the lifestyle or that i be open to it and lately i have been thinking a lot about things in the lifestyle. Tonight i found something that id like to try, but haven't had a chance to yet. When Master and i got our first toys, one of them was a vibrating egg with a remote and so far we haven't had a chance to try it because the batteries went out as soon as we got it. The problem is that the batteries for it are super expensive because theyre the small little round disk type. Its always been a fantasy of mine to go to dinner somewhere with Master as just the two of us and He has the remote and im at His mercy, trying to hold myself together as He enjoys the view. The other thing is maybe at some point me and Him can go camping just the two of us and enjoy the great outdoors together because that has always been a wish of mine too. There are a lot of things that id like to try that im slowly working on and trying to figure out as to what id love to try with Master, not including what is running through His head.
     So that is it for now. Time to go wallow in my own fantasies and snuggle with Master.