Thursday, November 17, 2011

Definitely facing raw emotions and struggle

  If my head full of feelings was able to be translated into words, i feel that i wouldnt even know where to start. For some reason its like this awful monster has taken over my head and my life tonight. There is just no way for me to put into words how i feel. Its confusing and raw and heavy. It feels like its clawing at me and im fighting it, but the harder i fight it the faster it takes over me.
    Master and i have talked numerous times about children and how i feel so worried about whether i will be able to give Him kids or not. He is my whole world and for some odd reason the only thought on my head has been about how i wish to provide Him one of the most important things to me. Everytime the two of U/us have talked He reminds me that its not something that has to happen overnight. Its something that has eaten at me since i got sick because i feel that my health issues have gotten in the way.
    Before i go into more detail i have to say that this next little part is raw and i am not sure what is going to go through my head as i type these next words. The weird though is that i dont feel so focused on the thought of having kids. My head makes it feel like its constantly in my head. TO me i feel that life is so short and with my health concerns, i dont ever know what is going to happen. Before life got hectic for us and i found out how much of a pain in the butt that my family can be, we were facing my health concerns. Things had seemed to stabilize with my health for a short period of time and we were trying for a child. We werent told that we couldnt try and the weird thing was that the first two times we tried, i think i did get pregnant. All the signs and symptoms were there and i felt such a hope and a light feeling that we were going to have a child. I read all about the feelings and what to expect if you were expecting a child. I had the sensitive boobs(not because Master had been playing with them) and i was definitely seeing the skin changes(the darkening of the boobs too) and was thirsty as could be. Being as thirsty as i was definitely changed things for me because i had never been that thirsty in a long time. Growing up, i had always wanted to be a mother. I knew it was one of the most important things to me and to be honest, i wanted to be a stay at home mom and just provide a nice home cooked meal and everything for my husband, whoever He would be. So to finally know that i was pregnant was amazing. Before all these feelings i had been pregnancy tested before because of my other medical symptoms, but never experienced them like i did once i knew i was. Its weird how you can just know, but with everything out of whack at that time, i could tell this was different then the rest of the symptoms.
    So going through everything, i was so happy and thought i was. I began to drink more water and was even taking prenatals just in case(also a suggestion from the obgyn to take them if we were trying to get pregnant at the time). I hadnt really told Master either time because i wasnt for sure if i really was. It was about two weeks after i thought i got pregnant and probably about a week after noticing the extremely sensitive boobs and the extreme thirst that i had the description of implantation bleeding. In the beginning it did just like what everyone said it would do. The bleeding was extremely light and it was like that for two days or so. Then it got really weird. The first time our dog pounced on my stomach. The bleeding had almost ended and it seemed that she had jump started it somehow. I began to bleed heavy and dark blood. It looked almost like my normal period minus the tissue coming out. So i thought maybe it would do that for a day or two and then go away. A few hours later, i passed a massive blood clot that was the size of about a quarter. After passing the clot, the bleeding eased up and completely stopped. It seemed that my mind couldnt comprehend what had happened. It was like i knew that i was pregnant, but even after that i didnt test positive when i tried a pregnancy test. It was like i was in shock and disbelief and when i went and sat down with Master He  knew immediately that something was wrong. Choking on my words, i told Him that i wasnt sure, but i had thought that i had had a miscarriage. Bawling i cried and sobbed into His arms trying to find sense in everything. To me, i knew i was pregnant and i had been messing around with our dog. All the what ifs went through my head and i wondered if her doing that and me climbing all the stairs and everything made it that much worse on me and made me lose the baby or made it just too hard for that embryo to implant. He was a true Master and just comforted me as best as He could because He was at a loss. He couldnt tell me if i had a miscarriage or not because He hadnt seen the clot, but somehow in my heart i knew that i had probably had one no matter what anyone else said.
    Master calmed me down and got me to where i wasnt crying as much and explained that i shouldnt cry. It was not O/our time to be pregnant and that maybe God felt that it wasnt time for U/us to have a child just yet and that we could always try again. To me this seemed fun because it meant way more sex and way more making sure that Master was pleased. I think honestly that being away from Him for six months made me into a sexual maniac, but you wont catch me openly admitting that. Anyways, i sighed and wiped my tears and realized that He was right. Maybe this just wasnt our time to have a child and that W/we could try again. Somehow we tried again and about two months after the first time i found the feelings coming back a short time later. I could feel that i was pregnant again. I saw my boobs changing again and saw that i was even thirstier then last time and that i just knew it had to work this time. When i got those feelings, i made sure to not let our dog anywhere near my stomach and i was just working as easy as i could to make sure it stuck when the implantation bleeding started. Stubborn me had a lot of work to do from cleaning the dishes and other things around the house, so needless to say i wore myself out the last couple days of the bleeding and made it start worse. This time there was dark bleeding, still no tissue coming out until i got up from the toilet. All i could see was this huge clot and i began to panic. It wasnt happening again to me. There was no way!! I had done everything possible to make sure it stuck. The doggie wasnt jumping on my stomach and i was taking it as light as i could without being a total couch potato. The clot passed anyway and it was about the size of a quarter again. This time it wasnt just one, there were two clots and then the bleeding just magically stopped. It was like the clot was some magic drain stopper or something. I was heart broken.
    The one thing that i could do for Master and i was screwing it up. This happened not once but TWICE. I felt like i had done something wrong when i could have controlled something. There was just raw emotion and hurt and i dont know what else there. Its weird because im sure some people would say that i was never pregnant because the embryo didnt implant so theres no way i was pregnant and thats why my tests were negative, but i know my body and i know what i felt. I WAS pregnant then.
    Master has comforted me numerous times when i get these thoughts in my head but it is so hard to see everyone out walking around and having kids left and right. We were told not even a month after trying the second time not to try at getting pregnant anymore because it would complicate the doctor's attempt to treat whatever was going on with me. It was heart breaking to be told that you cant do what everyone else around you is able to do like rabbits. It seemed that people who had no intention of getting pregnant were getting pregnant and just the people who dont need any kind of kids are having kids and it makes me sad to be honest. Here we were trying and nothing could result from it, but these people were doing it with little effort. Granted i dont know their stories completely, but thats just what it looks like to a lot of them.
    There is no way that i can even begin to describe this urge that i have in me and sometimes it is so overpowering that i dont even know how to control it. There is no way that it is the number one thing on my mind, but its like there is such a strong need for us to have a child. I can see it in Master's eyes when He smiles at His niece or laughs at the little kid laughing on the tv. He loves little babies and little ones and i can tell that He would be an amazing dad, but for some reason i cant do that. Our attempts have showed nothing and even then my health has gotten in the middle of it. Right now, i am able to get pregnant because the doctor decided not to keep pursuing the rounds of tests because he felt that he wanted to give me the ability to have a child and going through anymore raditation would just put me at much worse of a risk for not having children.
    So after all this rambling about the past, i have to say that today has caught me off guard. Maybe its because i keep seeing people coming in with their babies and i just found out that one of my friends is pregnant and due in July. I mean how do you fight this feeling that is so strong that it threatens to overwhelm me? No matter what i do, i cant hide the fact that i so badly want a child that it hurt so bad that i lost the two that we possibly could have had. It was my job to protect them and i couldnt even do that. Its hard to explain to Master why im sad when i read the news that friends are pregnant. To be honest, im a mixture of sad and happy. Im happy for them that they get to experience that little bundle of joy and that happiness that only comes with seeing that innocent child smile at you and know that you're their whole world. Nothing could be better in my eyes. The sadness comes with knowing that i have yet to be able to experience it and at this point we arent sure that i will be able to. We are trying right now to get pregnant. Well not trying, but its a matter of if it happens it happens.
    My heart breaks because i dont even know how to put into words for Master how i am feeling. How do you explain all the turmoil that i mentioned above that is rolling around in my head and i feel it threatening me every so often? How do you explain that sometimes i just need to be pulled in tight and told that you love me and that it is beyond my control? He has told me that before, but for some reason it hasnt stuck(insert lovely family life story here because i have a feeling that takes a part in it). Maybe one day we will have a child to call our own, but until then i have a feeling that i will struggle with these feelings every so often. Maybe i can get a radar to sense this rolling tide so that i can take cover in Master's arms and hope it just passes by. Until then i have to hope that He understand just how hard it is for me to go through this and not know how to describe it to Him while hoping that He doesnt think He did anything wrong in the situation. He is my whole world and i dont want to ever do anything to lose Him and i feel if i keep letting this baby thing get to me that He's going to crack from my constant need to have a child even if it is from an indescribable itch. But thats where im wrong because He is strong enough to stay. He's shown me numerous times before that He will stay, now its time for me to really get that through my head that no matter what He wont run and hide from whatever demons im facing.


  1. (((Hugs!))) I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. I hope you'll be able to get well soon:). You can always write me privately if you need someone to talk to...I had a miscarriage several years ago and I was so, so sad so I know what you're going through.


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