So tonight im left in a thoughtful mood. Honestly, im not sure really what to think to be honest. Between yesterday and today i have had a few more tests done as far as my health is concerned. Which sorry for those of you reading this, but i have a feeling this post isnt going to be kink related at all. There is a lot that i need to get off my mind for now. Anyways...yesterday was the mri for my back to find out if my pain is anything musculoskeletal related. Somehow i really dont think it is, but then again what do i really know i dont have a medical degree. As far as i know the mri went normal although i still have to discuss with my doctor to find out if it was normal or not.
Recently, i got a copy of my medical records and i found out what was going on with me at least what theyve done test wise for bloodwork and ct and mri and things like that. Come to find out, my doctor told me that they didnt find anything out when it comes to the ultrasounds and mri results. This i know is a lie, but im not sure what to make of it becasue i found out they found 3 different cysts in my kidney area. There is a 0.6cm cyst on my right kidney and a 0.7mm cyst on my left kidney and another one (i forgot the size) on the inferior pole of my right kidney, whatever that is i havent figured it out yet. So to be told that nothing was found, but suddenly i have cysts and im having backpain in the same area that i have the cysts and where my kidney has been viewed as swollen just doesnt make sense to me. It leaves me feeling confused because i dont know what i can do about it other then maybe ask for a second opinion but where else is there to go. Ive been on base and to the hospital here in town so many times that theyve adopted the attitude of "well i dont know what else to do".
So after dealing with all that, this morning Master took me to have an endoscopy done. I was afraid of this because ive never had one done, but it wasnt that bad having the procedure done. They put you to sleep and then you wake up in the recovery room. Crazy enough, i dont mind that whole deal because it was a pretty painless process. They give you some medicine, you feel fuzzy for a few seconds and then its off to lala land. The whole procedure went pretty well for the most part, but while i was in the recovery room with the medicine wearing off(and Master laughing at my little kid attitude) i heard that they found some abnormal tissue that they had to take out. This normally wouldnt freak me out, but it has me a little worried. They took out some abnormal tissue. The thought of what it could be is running through my head like crazy and i am honestly scared to death to get the results. It could be anything and that thought scares me. I honestly thought that they werent going to find anything because it is something wrong with my kidneys more then likely, but who knows maybe they did prove me wrong. Even still, its scary being told that we found some abnormal looking tissue in your stomach. It has me wondering if ill be a healthy person ever again.
So add onto all these worries and fears, work has started picking back up again. My supervisor called me and told me that they were putting me back where i was before. She told me how they "needed" me back and that i had to test soon because i was too far past my date. Now the ironic thing is as far as testing is concerned, i am on a medical hold right now because they have no idea what is wrong with me. Either way i have a feeling they are going to try and test me first thing Friday morning when i show up to work, but that wont happen because im not testing. One i refuse and two i am in no way ready at all. There is no way that im going to fail it when im not prepared at all to test for it. On top of having to deal with the pressure of being tested on my job when im supposed to be on a med hold, they are talking about me working. This is quite hilarious to me because im on a profile saying there are a lot of restrictions on things that i can and cant do. Oddly enough i cant do three of the primary things that i need to do for my job which is arm up with a weapon(not able to because of being on muscle relaxers that make you drowsy and my qualification fot the weapons is up at the end of the month which i cant qualify because im not allowed to lay prone or stand to shoot my weapon), i cant stand for more then 10 minutes at a time(my job requires that you stand out at a gate and check ids for about 12-13 hours and there is no sitting to check the ids either), and i have so many doctors appointments coming up that they are going to end up having to move manning around anyways(they took me off because they were short on people because i was constantly missing work due to er visits or drs appointments that i had to be off work for). It's odd that theyd have me coming back, but if anything happens its on their conscious. Im honestly done playing games with them because all it does is leave me upset. When i get my chance, im getting out of this career field, but until then im going to do what i need to do to make sure im healthy and to take care of myself for the future. It's on them if i get worse especially with the weather going back to being hotter and them wanting me outside....if that holds true i can probably see an ambulance being called in the future because i pass out from the heat(i already almost did in florida so i know it will happen).
I guess the worst part of all this going on with my health though is not knowing what is wrong with me and being told everything is fine when things are coming back abnormal, high, or low. It just doesnt make any kiind of sense to me and im worried about it. I dont want anything to turn out to be horribly wrong with me because i want to live a long time with Master, but i also know im not in control of that. All i know is that im ready to find out what is wrong with me because im anxious to find out if i can have kids or not as well.