Sunday, October 9, 2011

Fear and loneliness sure do pack a big scare....

   So today has been an interesting day to say the least. Master and i have been dealing with bestbuy to get His computer fixed. Let's just say it makes for an interesting dilemma that we are in. He ordered his laptop in early june and the day before yesterday it decided to crack out. I was the last one to use it and i turned it on hibernate and then slammed it shut to scare our dog(she is just too easily scared so we're trying to work with her on that aspect). Well we couldnt find the receipt, but best buy has a way for them to look up past purchases by your name or phone number(helpful hint for those who may accidentally throw away recipts and need theirs like we did). This would normally have worked for us, but we hit a tiny glitch---they couldnt find His computer at all. The only computer it showed we had ordered was my laptop this time last year. It showed my name and Masters name and the address we had used to send the laptop to and to pickup His laptop. The weird thing is there was no history of His laptop at all. We had the bank records and everything to show, but there was nothing on best buy's end of things. I even pulled up the account online where he had ordered it and checked the order history over the past year and nothing showed up.
   So needless to say Master and i are waiting to hear back from someone saying that they have checked into everything. It is frustrating because a part of me feels like it is my fault that Master's computer broke. I was the last one to use it and i was the one that slammed it shut. Master tells me its not my fault at all, but i cant help but feel that i made the error happen because i slammed it shut and maybe caused something to go loose or something. I guess, i dont know, sometimes i feel like i need a little more reassurance sometimes. So many times before in the past i was accused of things and i guess thats why i feel like this may have been my fault too.
   So onto the rest of the day. Master and i hung around the house and snuggled and cuddled. I feel like lately my bratty side is starting to come out more and more. A part of me feels that i need a spanking or something. My head feels like its somewhere else and i feel like things are slipping in my mind. The lifestyle and Master are the only things that keep me hanging on, especially when my health concern is never steady and i keep getting bounced around from doctor to doctor. Cleaning out some things today, and going through trash to try and find receipts to help our best buy situation, Master and i found our old phones. Going through His and my phone and seeing the old text messages and how they were full of nothing but "Yes, Sir" and "Sir" was always on the end of most of the text messages i sent. Lately it feels like things have changed between us. I know they havent changed as far as the dynamic between me and Him. Belive me, i know that He is still in charge and the dominant person around this house. It just feels like ive changed so much since ive been sick. The lil one i used to be and the lil one know makes me feel like im not as submissive acting as i was before and i find myself feeling more bratty at times. Master threw laundry at me earlier today (jokingly of course) and told me to fold it after taking my computer away from me. I must admit that He took it away because i was too glued to my facebook page to get up and get the laundry when He hinted at me to get it. The bratty side in me came out though because when He went to swap the load in the washer to the dryer, i made the comment that " i didnt want to fold laundry" under my breath to where Master couldnt hear. I feel like its an inner struggle with myself from being sick and the lil one that i want to be and see myself being.
   With this revelation, i kind of wonder if its like a self-sabotage type feeling that im having or just all my emotions bundled up. I NEVER want my emotions to get the best of me to where i take them out on Master because He has NEVER done anything to deserve that. From the very beginning He has always supported me and has stood by me through thick and thin and held my hand through the roughest points in my life. He deserves so much more. So i guess thats why i struggle with things right now. I feel that i am so weak and that im not the lil one that i can be for Him. Words just cant express the struggle i feel right now in that i feel like ive let Him down in some way because i cant do what i want to do or i dont get to allow Him to enjoy His lil one every night because i pass out from being too tired. It just hurts because i feel like im judging myself worse then He is. All my life i was told that i wasnt any good, and to this day my parents still ignore the abuse that i faced at their hands(this was brought up by my therapist and not my words as far as abuse goes). I want things to be different and i know their different, but in my head i cant help  but feel like a slight failure in my submissive duties. Im limited in what i can do physically and just struggle with things a lot. It's just lately i dont even know how to begin to describe to Him the conflict that i feel within me. It's a struggle to get back to the lil one i was before when W/we met and fell in love. I fear that im changing and i dont want to change to where He feels He doesnt love me anymore. Thats my worst, deepest darkest fear at this moment is losing Him because of my own personal demons.
    Personal demons makes me think that im so mentally challenged, but right now i feel something so deep down that i honestly cant even think of how to describe in depth what exactly it is other than i dont feel like the same lil one. I may look like the lil one He met, but i dont feel like it at times. I find Master being a little more lenient at times because He doesnt want to hurt me or make my medical condition worse and it makes me feel so fragile. It's nothing that He's doing because i know He is only looking out for my best interest because there are certain things i cant be doing all the time with an unknown medical condition because Master certainly doesnt want to see me end up in a hospital bed with an iv in my arm again. It's an inner struggle with my own conflicts. Reading others blogs, i find myself longing for that kind of stuff to happen to me where i feel the dominance and control everyday whether it is by a maintenace spanking or just in talking with friends about what is going on in my life. Master controls me, but i feel that there is more that i want and need but i feel that voicing this is in essence trying to "top from the bottom" as it is put. Im not the type of person to try to screw up what the two of us have going, so i dont want to appear to be topping from the bottom. How do you go with this delicate balance while also letting the only person that knows the deepest and darkest you know you want more. You want to be taken to that place where you can let that inner slut out or experience something more often because it feels good and takes you away from the daily life? I dont know and i know i can talk to Him about anything, but how do you bring it up when the very thought of it makes you shrink back because you were taught that "its not very ladylike to think like that or want that". It's like what i was taught contradicts with everything that i think and want from Master in this lifestyle.
   This brings me to another point, Master and i are in a new town and granted we arent too far from His family, but i kind of feel a little lonesome at times. I have a couple friends on the base, but its not the kind of friendship where i can talk about everything. A part of me just wants that one friend that i can go and hang out with and comment about how i have to make sure i get home because Master wants me home or that i couldnt do something because Master would make it to where i wouldnt be able to sit down for a week. I dont know. I guess with all this medical stuff and talking to the therapist i kind of feel like im suppressed. I have to hide this whole personality of who i am for work and for the therapist. I can tell him about everything in my life but the lifestyle and that sucks. Its such an integral part of who i am, but i feel like im not myself because im hiding so much. Has anybody else felt like this or is it just a moment of pure insanity on my behalf to where im just feeling sorry for myself. I dont know...i guess maybe its a bit of lonesome and having nobody close to me as far as friend wise because i know i have family in His family. It's just hard you know...
    Oh well, enough of my blabbering on and on about this and that. I think its time for me to come to terms with whats going on in my head. Maybe i should get up the courage to ask Master for a spanking, and not a light one either, but that spanking that puts you into subspace when Master starts taking me from behind after my butt is a rosy red and burning. I need something, i just wish i knew what it was so i could say it. I guess for now, i think im going to try and work on being more vocal about my needs and what id like from Master instead of assuming He's a mindreader and being all sad-faced and mopey towards Him. He just wants to help and He cant do so until i tell Him what is wrong. Maybe i should start with the spanking and move on to trying out the new toys we bought. Idk but i hope i figure something out soon. Im sure Master is going crazy with how my moods are so wishy-washy lately.

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