Normally i don't write on here, but after this weekend it definitely warrants a new look at things and i have no shame anymore of hiding things. This is how im feeling and if someone wants to stop by my profile and read it then more power to them and if not then its okay. This Friday my Master and i went to our local munch and had an amazing time. This was only our second time, but it was one that truly stands out for me. :) It was an eye opening night to say the least and it was in part thanks to a lovely new friend who was willing to take the time to talk to Master and myself while answering the questions i had.
Since joining this lifestyle a few years ago, i thought that i had done a good bit of research and had come to know who i was as far as identifying myself and how i fit into that role. To me things had their rocky moments, but i had found my place as His slave and most of the time i acted like one. There were times where i would rebel and He would fix it. Things felt off to me, but i thought maybe it was just how things change after children come into the picture (believe me i know it changes). Things continued to progress with me and there were times that i will admit here that i put up walls that i shouldn't have to defend myself against the one person i should have trusted. He is the one i should have turned to, but instead i went and hid like a little kid sulking in a corner. Often this happened when i would disagree with Him and instead of being graceful about it, i would get upset and angry and run. There was not enough distance between us and i felt that by stomping around and huffing around that i was going to "show Him". It "showed Him" nothing other than i could act like a complete idiot and show off when i disagreed with what He said. Everytime i did that, i was hurting Him without knowing it because i didn't have the confidence in Him.
Things have been slightly better, but still off recently and it was finally brought to my attention why by a new friend at the local munch. It started with a simple conversation about a spank a sub congo line that i had seen at the first play party Master and i went to. My comfort level was changing as i realized just how much i could set the scene and i realized i had the control in a way. It was up to me to control how they hit, what they used, and where they hit (avoiding a spot that i have that instantly stops all play when hit). All of that led to a conversation about the lifestyle and things in it. It was a lot of things and my head is still trying to remember every little detail (seems preggo brain lasts after the baby too). It progressed to where Master, O/our friend and His partner, and myself talked together about me. The new friend was able to read me like a book and laid out that i feel torn in 20 different directions because i am constantly afraid of letting everyone in my life down. Cue emotions and the need to burst into tears at this moment, but the tears waited. From there He explained that the only person that i should be worried about is Master and nobody else. He is my rock and that i should rely on Him and tell Him when i feel that way so He can help me figure out how to not feel like that. Tears were threatening to fall at this point, but somehow i still was able to hold them back. Maybe it was pride by this point or stubbornness in wanting to appear strong. Either way i continued with the questions and the revelations that were going to happen.
As the questions spilled out, the answers became harder to bear, but it was truths that i needed to hear. My family has always been one of those that i feel pulls me in twenty different directions and i don't want to let them down (especially since it is my parents) but i don't want to disappoint or upset Master either. In the past i was easily guilted into doing things that i normally wouldn't have done. The emotional abuse growing up was hard to take and even now as an adult i had found myself falling back into the cycle with my parents. Imagine the writing talking about how to identify an emotional manipulator and my parents fit that writing to a T. Through the conversation i realized that i had let them control my life too much and that it was time to hand over to Master the reins and let Him deal with them pulling me in numerous ways.
The rest of the night led to more revelations about how i deal with my parents emotional abuse growing up, my parent's change, and that i haven't been trusting Master as much as i should have been. There were things that i should have trusted Him with that i blew up about or didn't turn to Him for help with. It hurt to realize just how bad i had let things get and how lost i had become in getting away from the real lil one that i had kept hidden for so long. To be honest, im surprised that He didn't try to pull His hair out or spank my butt black and blue for everything that i have done to Him. Instead He has stood by me and tried to understand me. He has been the most loving and caring Dominant that i feel so much pride in having Him as mine.
Part of this talk Friday night brought to realization that sometimes these behaviors are done because there is a hidden reasoning behind it, such as because i need to be punished/spanked for the emotional release it provides or another reason. (Please forgive me now for not remembering the other one, but this is the major one that i remembered). It seems that all the times i was getting mad and putting walls up was because i didn't know how to communicate with Him that i was overstressed or feeling pulled in twenty directions. It made me realize that i need to learn how to communicate better with Him and if i want a spanking for an emotional release that i cant be afraid to ask for one or let Him know how im feeling.
This talk Friday night led to all these new revelations and a long conversation on a drive home this afternoon between Master and myself. It has awakened this feeling inside me of wanting to do the best i can to please Master and i haven't felt this huge overwhelming need since before O/our child came into the picture, probably since W/we were dating. Right now i am still trying to figure out what to do and it may take a little while, but i see a bright new U/us in the future and an even more cohesiveness between U/us as partners. This is my promise to no longer put walls up, stomp away in anger when Master disagrees with something that i said, allow my family to control me and pull me into so many directions, care what others think outside of Him and to work extremely hard to communicate better with Him. :) This has made me excited to embrace these new changes for Master and to give Him back the lil one that He has missed having around (and some of me that He has never seen because i have kept it so walled up and put away).