So today has been one of those topsy turvy days. Like the kind where you feel like you are completely outside of your body. It started with a text and phone call from my mom to let me know that my dad had been hospitalized in the late hours of the night for chest pain and that he was waiting to see what was going to happen with the tests he was supposed to have. Waking up to that kind of phone call and text messages is not the best thing in the world and i kind of felt deflated after it. It felt like the winds were being taken out of my sails by yet another blow. Master and i are already dealing with my health and starting a new relationship with my parents and my aunt, and now my thoughts were suddenly on my father and his new health concern. There were thoughts of things said and emails sent and things left unsaid and whether this was going to be something to drastically affect out relationship. Before even finding out the results, i was already fearing the worst news imaginable---that my father had a heart that was beginning to fail and whatever time he had left had better be spent wisely.
Let me just say that with all of this, Master was just the greatest. He hates seeing me sad and especially with something like this because He has already faced the same things i was fearing the most. He hated seeing me worry without having any kind of news and always hates to see me just sad faced. Trying to cheer me up, it brought smiles for a few minutes but then id go back to thinking about how things should have been handled differently and all the things i should have told my dad that i didnt and how our relationship isnt the greatest. Basically going through a long list of regrets and hoping that he was going to pull through okay. Luckily, my Master knows just how to pull me out of my rut because He calmly pointed out to me that if i can tell Him that everything is fine that i should pay attention to it to. Somehow i got my family gene of not listening to my own advice when i tell other people.
After hearing the good news that the tests were normal, but they had to focus on my dad's lungs...i began to follow my own advice like Master had said. It was time for me to be happy and if it was something majorly drastic that they would call me like my mom had said. Still i couldnt help but feeling like something was out of wack. Lately Master and i have started a new diet routine, well more i have started a diet. Master is following through with me and making sure that i stick to what i said about losing the weight and wanting to watch what i eat and how i eat. Dealing with all of that, i kind of felt disconnected and despite having meals planned at home, i wanted to do something. My mind was reeling and i just needed to get out of myself and away from everything. Lately it felt like everything was falling on my shoulders more and more.
This diet so far has taken on a whole new world with me. The first couple days i counted calories and went with trying to get around 1200 calories a day, but to me seeing those numbers get higher and higher. It was like i couldnt get them down fast enough. They were going down and i was only over by about 95 the third day, but i felt like i was starving myself because one thing was too much calories and i didnt want to go over. The numbers seem to get bigger and bigger so, i have decided more for my sanity that i am not going to worry about the numbers anymore. My focus is more going to be on still making sure to go with the healthier choices and i will definitely keep up with logging what i eat and how much, but i wont be logging the numbers as far as calories go. It was much better today at lunch and at dinner knowing that i didnt have to fit a certain number and Master was very supportive. He has been there for me for everything.
Master and i are beginning a new start and this saturday will be interesting to say the least. He laughs at me because i have NEVER, repeat never, gone into a sex shop and that cherry will finally be broken when we explore one in our town. We looked up and i was intrigued by all the different toys from vibrators and massagers to whips and chains and gags and just everything. My mind was reeling and i wasnt sure where to begin, but it will be interesting to see what we get this weekend. My hopes are that maybe we can get a gag, new spanking toy(although ill probably hate it in the long run---its a love/hate relationship thing with that), and maybe a vibrator that Master would definitely have fun with. The vibrator is more of a selfish wish because ive never felt a vibrator on my clit before. The gag is just interesting because i like the idea of Master being able to hear how much pleasure He is causing me or how much pain(if i get a bad spanking for being such a naughty girl). There is just some unknown pull towards a gag and being bound and gagged at Master's mercy and He is playing with me and spanking me and then teasing me to no end and i cum and cum until i cant think straight and then He screws me into subspace oblivion.
So today has been a random thought sort of day, but i realize that sometimes if i feel like this i should definitely be able to ask Master for help in making it right. It may not be tonight, but hopefully in the next day or two i really do hope that He does give me the spanking He mentioned to put me back into where my head is screwed on straight and im not worrying about different things and just everything. He is the one that knows how to make it right and i trust everything. He knows my furthest reach and knows just how to calm me and down and bring me back to earth to where i feel like im myself again. So here's to trying to begin diving back into my submissive habits again....wish me luck and hopefully there will be no more parental health scares along the way.