Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pain and an emotional Loss...

   Right now i must sadly admit that i am at a loss for words. My emotions are all over the place and i feel confused and unsure. To put it honestly this song sums up my feelings at this moment...the most important part is towards the very end of the song when it talks about "her every breath is weaker then the last.....what do you say in a moment like this?/" Really that is my question, what do you say in a moment like this? When you really cant find the words to express just what is going on inside your head and the emotions you're feeling?? This video expresses it all and i will always think of my grandmother when i hear it. I love her so much and hope to see her one day in heaven. She was one of the few people in my life that i wish i had more time to spend with, but things happen for a reason. My goal is that each day i live to make her happy and keep her memory alive.

   After a long day of appointments and the hustle and bustle around, my mind is just reeling. Coming home to Master was the number one comfort that i had to look forward to. Thats not to say that i didnt enjoy it when i came home to Master but i did. He has always been there for me and tonight is nothing different. It seems that my functioning has been reduced to just merely doing this or that. Well sort of....its like i can think but i cant think at all.
    My every thought is on i should have done this or i should have done that. Theres the thought of what would happen if i had called and checked up on her? What if are all running through my head...but Master cancels them out. Well Him and my parents were reassuring me that she is happy and hearing from my dad that she talked about me all the time and that she was proud of me. It is an amazing feeling and is somewhat reassuring to me just how much she was proud of me and knew that i was happy and getting married(long story there). My thoughts were all of how she was in a happy place, but the news is still a shock.
    New topic.......sorry off a depressing topic. The other thing today was that Master has had His lil one all wound up and wired today. Between xray positions(lets just say taking an xray of my knee the doctor had me in a position i was very familiar with---hands and knees) and being played with to the point of being turned on then just stopped...His lil one was left wanting much more. Needless to say the thoughts have been nothing but that today aside from the news i just got. Anyways....its not that im a slut or that i want to seem so needy, but knowing that im turned on just for Master is a comforting thought. Is it sad that i am sad of the news of my grandmother passing that i find myself wanting to move on and just lay and snuggle with Master? Its not that im being insensitive, but i think that is honestly my mechanism for dealing with shocking news. There is no processing of it, there is just pushing it to the side. Thats what happened with my assaults from the past. There was no processing of anything.....i wonder if thats a fault in my functioning skills but who knows im just going to cuddle with Master and lean on Him because i know that He will be there no matter what for me. He is my world and heart and soul and in a time like this i have never been more thankful to have Him by my side then i do now. Now back to snuggling with Master and working on my grandmother's happy memories.

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