Right now my feelings are jumbled around in my head and I am not sure if it is just the emotions from that time of the month or what it is. There are just thoughts that keep rolling around in my head and i am not sure what to believe if its in my head or if what i believe is really true.
Lately i have been wondering about making friends in the lifestyle. It seems that when i talk to someone, they talk to me and then later for one reason or another they quit talking to me. It makes me wonder and become extremely self conscious. Am i doing something wrong and nobody wants to tell me or am i just that unsociable? It just really does make me wonder when i try to make new friends that should i say this or should i say that because i don't want to say or do the wrong thing.
All that leads to me wondering have i been doing things wrong? Between moving and completely uprooting our lives and now living with family to not really having any friends to talk with or hang out with makes my moods go from here to there. It is just crazy how i feel that all these things are going on. On top of that since i have gotten out of the military, it has been hard trying to find a job. Now its not from me not trying. I have put it in at least 20 applications so far and only heard back from 3 jobs so far. One said that they had another candidate that was a better fit and the second said that because of some things that had happened it was outside of their guidelines. Im crossing my fingers that this newest one will bring something in. Its hard because i feel like theres so much pressure on me to ensure that we have money to pay the bills and for me and Master both to be able to go to school so that i can finish my degree and get that money from it and also for Master to be able to get His certifications back for his EMT. It is just so hard knowing all this and trying to find a job that we can support ourselves on and be able to go to school and all that. Master tells me not to worry about it, but it is hard not to worry about it. Its just hard not to worry about how to make sure that our bills are paid for and still have a little bit extra money to be able to do a few things as a family. Its hard trying to get my mind to where i can remind myself that i don't have to worry about it, but with our savings dwindling down for this time frame, it is hard not to.
Call me crazy, but such is my life lately. My emotions bounce up and down and i feel lonely. It is hard not having friends in this area to be able to do things with or that understand how Master and i work. Im hoping that maybe putting myself out there and trying to make friends with people in our area will benefit me. Who knows, it might actually give me some parenting ideas too.
I think for tonight i am going to snuggle with Master and put these thoughts in the back of my brain. Either way i know that i have Master and our baby girl there for me for now. I just hope that these next few times go by and that things start looking up for us.