Is it true that you can feel like you are no longer submissive anymore? If it is, then i feel this way. It seems that life has taken a huge chunk out of things and left me feeling cheated in a way. Everything else gets put onto my plate to deal with and i am expected to keep going as if nothing happened. Lately i have had to deal with finding out that one of my family members has stage 4 cancer in their lungs, lymph nodes, adrenal glands, and colon. The news isnt the greatest and the prognosis from what i looked up is a few months to maybe a year or so at the most. Add onto that being majorly homesick, dealing with being sick and work not playing nice(major part of my frustrations) and just everything in general and thats a lot to handle for one person. It feels as if i am the one that should shoulder everything and keep on going.
How do you handle dealing with all these issues and still keep your submissive side. Between work, school, mommy duties, i feel there isnt really anything left for submissive me. At the end of the day, Master and i are both exhausted and there isnt really anytime for us. Our needs have been put to the way side and occasionally we have a few minutes for some adult time together, but there isnt really any time for Master and submissive. There have been no new positions, no play times in a good little bit, and just nothing really to do with the lifestyle. Now in the past Master and i have said that if it wasnt in our life we could live without it, but i dont feel that i can live without it. It is a strong part of who i am and i feel utterly and completely lost without it.
When i first got into the lifestyle, i found that i could go without it when i tried denying who i really was and go with a total vanilla relationship. Then before i had really gotten to know what the lifestyle was about, i was able to live without it and there was no need for me to really deal with the lifestyle or dabble in it. However, now that i have lived it and know what it is like i love it and know that i cant live without it. There is just something about it that calms and centers me and brings me back to reality when things get to be too much. Master knows just what to do when it seems that in my head so much is put onto my shoulders and i feel like i cant handle it all and am getting close to a mental breakdown. With my sickness, Master has been more careful but i feel that im suffering due to it. There is this soooo strong pull in me that is craving the lifestyle. Before i had our baby, Master couldnt keep His hands off me and would play with me and little things like that, but now it seems few and far between that this happens. The only good thing is that when i walk naked into the room to change after starting laundry, He automatically diverts His attention from the tv to me.
My feelings are so mixed and overwhelmed with everything that i feel like my own self is fading. I feel my submissive side is fading, although Master has made occasional comments about how He has me trained right. I guess its just that a part of me wishes we had more time to spend as just Master and submissive, although i wouldnt give up being a mommy for all the money in the world. Maybe it is time that Master and i invest in a babysitter or ask someone to watch our little one for a few hours so that we can have fun with each other whatever that may be. Maybe i need some submissive friends that i can meet up with and talk openly with, although around here theres not many people. It makes me nervous to talk to new people, but at the same time i want to find someone that understands being parents and that sometimes we cant drop everything. Honestly, i just wish i knew what i needed. Maybe i will try finding some new friends and trying to talk to Master about this issue. This is the first time since me and Him have met that i have felt like i am losing my submissiveness and that i dont want to lose that with Him and ALWAYS want Him to be my Master.
If anyone has gone through this, please feel free to give me some advice because i really do need it right now. I feel like im struggling to stay afloat and i need to just feel better somehow.