I feel so horrible today. It's like once I got in trouble last night, things have just steadily gone down hill today. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and am doing fine at it so far, but it does help he's keeping me from majorly stressing out. I think thats another reason why I really like him because he's keeping me calm and helping me find a solution instead of going "how could you be so irresponsible with things". He's helping me find a solution to things and I love that. I am slowly starting to realize that maybe i do need that guiding hand in my life to help me out when life gets stressful instead of how my parents react by just getting pissed and doing it for me. He pokes me in the right direction, with some help but isnt going to do it for me.
Last night was a bad night for me and I knew I had pushed a little bit too far. I got in trouble and the worst part was I felt so horrible because i had upset him and disappointed him. To me the worst thing I feel is when I disappoint people. I hate it because I feel like I have let them down and it just kills me. I am too much of a people pleaser to hear that I've let someone down.
But anyways enough about how I hate disappointing people and back to the task at hand. I feel horrible because I took advantage of him last night. i was told to be careful and that one more smart ass comment would get me in trouble. I restrained myself for a little while but one kind of slipped out, but I was only kidding about so i threw in just kidding to the message. I was almost in trouble and had more spankings added onto my tally, but when pointing out that I said I was joking he took the extra ten added off. I know that was a big sigh of relief for me because 40 hits on a spanking would kill me. Well, not literally but I can for sure imagine it would be extremely hard for me to sit down after that. After that was where my stupidity and smartass mood just couldnt quit with everything going on and already being in hot water that I had to keep going. I wish I had stopped myself but I ended up taking advantage of his niceness, or gift of grace, and pushed it further. I made a comment about how I could put "just kidding" at the end of the messages and it would keep me from getting in trouble. Well, when he told me this wouldnt work, I was in the mood to push so I argued with him a little bit about it. I feel so stupid that I did that.
After arguing with him, I felt horrible after he turned the cam off. I hate not being able to see him because there's just something comforting about seeing him, even if it's on cam for now. But he clicked off his cam and audio. I wasnt allowed to see or hear him. This was a big block, I had disappointed and upset him. I felt so horrible I was almost at the point of tears. As i watched him tell me why he was upset with me and how he didnt like people taking advantage of him and that someone he loved had done that. I felt horrible. I didnt want to take advantage of him, i was playing around. I guess this made me realize that my playing and joking goes too far and I had pushed his buttons one too many times last night.
He told me that I could do something to make him not upset at me, but it wasnt something that was going to go away easily. I can say that the one thing I like is that no matter what happens that I get in trouble for, he always reassures me that I'm still his little one. That is one of my secret fears is that I'll do something to upset or disappoint him that he wont want me as his little one anymore. I think that would honestly kill me if that happened. But I was told that I could do a couple tasks for him to work on it. The first one was to write this journal so that he could see how I felt, I lose my facebook privilages except for an hour starting today, and I had to come up with a suitable punishment for when we meet up.
I can admit that coming up with a punishment for me isnt easy at all. It's the hardest thing possible because everything I think of doesnt seem good enough or harsh enough that he'd think it was worth it. In all honesty I have a few friends that are into the lifestyle, a couple are submissives and a couple are dominants. I hope it's not viewed as cheating, but with my brain running slow and having no luck at finding anything, I sought a little bit of help. I ended up talking with one of my dominant friends and he offered suggestions. I do feel that i often speak out of turn and am curious as to the way he suggested to teach me not to talk out of turn.. This one may suit for the punishment but I dont think it goes to the taking advantage of him issue. I think though that I should lose my privilage to talk for either a few hours or a day. To me when I can I love to talk and can do it for a while. I'm usually not a very quiet person and to not be able to speak at all would be so hard for me. The other idea that I partially came up with and partially was suggested (it was off an idea he said he'd have his sub do if she did anything like that) was to be used in however way with no complaints, arguing, grumbling, or struggling. To me I know this would be hard for me because I like to have a little bit of fun or would try to playfully argue about something. I know that it's the job of a submissive to do as her dom wishes but at the same time you can be playful about it (although in reasonable amounts as I'm learning much like there is a time and place for it). I mean above these two ideas the only other one was for him to use ice on me or to tickle me unmercifully or I have to sit in the corner with no talking for several hours not moving from a certain position (not really sure what this position would be).
I guess all that has taught me a very valuable lesson. I learned that you shouldnt joke too much when someone is nice to you and lets something slide. It may seem funny at the time, but theres a time and place for joking about things. I realized that especially like that, I dont want to be seen as someone who takes advantage of people, because it definitely isnt who I am at all. I'd hate to be seen this way. I'm just ready to get the rest of the day over with and go home and relax. Although by the time I get home I know that he will be home. i have one other part of my punishment that I remembered and its to show him the standard position to see if he approves of it or not. I hope he does, but I do know that I cant do this one very long because past a certain time my feet lose feeling or my knee gets really tight. I hate that I had to sprain my knee because i tnow makes things a little bit harder then normal. Oh well, I hope he likes the ideas, even though I'd not exactly like them used on me, but I did upset and disappoint him and I know I deserve. I think another lesson I learned last night was that I really do need that guiding hand to correct me when I get out of line, much like this, and to just mentor me I guess. It's also that I really do have a lot to learn and I know he has a lot to teach me.