Monday, April 5, 2010

Sweet Wonder

   Man, today has been such a long day. I hate having to work split shifts because it makes the day seem so much longer. I worked early this morning from 10am-12pm and then later tonight from 4pm-8pm. It was a lot better though because I worked door hanging with S and M. They are like the slackers of the whole group, but not really slackers to be honest. We relaxed in the car and then went and hung a little bit on the apartments. THey were so small that we didnt really have a lot to do and were done with them in about 45 minutes.
       I think the morning went by faster for me though because I spent a good bit of the time texting him. It makes time fly by every time I talk to him. I found myself smiling especially when he said to me that he wanted to make sure he was the man that I wanted. I would have cried happy tears right then and there. Although, funny thing was, I was told not to cry happy tears because I was at work. I wanted to argue some, but I think after last night and my ban from Facebook twice in a row, I was going to be good today. He thought that was good and funny. Funny thing was when I was browsing the bookstore today looking at books on the lifestyle. It was a first for me, but it felt good to look for something about it and to tell him because I know he wouldnt laught at me.
            I have to admit that I find myself thinking about him more everyday and crave talking with him. I spent the morning wondering about an offer that was given last night. I know that I am very stubborn when it comes to accepting help but something in me is saying that I might want to accept his help. He has offered me a place to stay rent free and my bills would be paid. But I have to admit that part of me is nervous to accept the help. I've had help offered to me before with so many strings attached, but with him I know it's different. It's purely out of an "I want to help you and make sure you're taken care of" mindset. I admit that I'm having a debate in my mind over what to do.
      Last night I vaguely remember talking to him on the phone and after texting him today I realized that he is the first person that I have ever talked to on the phone and fell asleep. It was amazing and everything I thought it was. It's funny because there are so many other things that I havent experienced, much like kissing in the rain to dancing in the rain or laying under the stars, but I can see myself doing them with him. I know that I must have patience when it comes to seeing him, but I'm willing to wait. It's like the quote I found when I was dating someone that I thought I loved. I feel that I truly am falling in love with him more and more everyday. I havent even been in his arms yet or seen him face to face but I know that I'm HIS and always will be. I feel it everytime we talk. I hear the concern in his voice, especially when I got some bad advice and had a bad weekend. He was there to comfort me and offer advice on how to mend a situation. He doesnt have to prove himself to me, but yet he strives to do it everyday. He keeps telling me that he wants to make sure I'm happy and I know I am.
        I find myself thinking that I really am in love. I'm not sure and really am scared to admit it. I am scared that it will be thrown back in my face like it was before. It's kind of like the lyrics in a new song that I have come to love, "I know you've heard those three words from others but they fell flat, but this ring aint something I mean to give and then take back". I know he's not giving me a ring (not to scare him or anything that I'm already thinking of marriage, more of me giving him my heart). I have told someone I love them before and it was taken back and thrown right back in my face before. I know what I'm feeling is true because it's like no other, but I dont want to say anything until I hear it from him. I guess that goes with my cautious nature and my fear of rejection. I dont want to say them and cause him to run off because I feel this way about him.
       Oddly enough the one thing that soothes my patience and lets me know he cares is when I hear the two words or see the two words written "little one". It's his name for me and I know that he cares when he uses it, not that he doesnt care when he's not using it, but I just dont know how to describe it. It's amazing though because the more I talk with everyone, and questions do arise as to whether I have a man in my life, I respond to questions with pride that I do have someone in my life that is extremely sweet and amazing. There's just no words that can explain how I feel. I could try, but it wouldnt do it justice.
      I think that in the future, I really would like to meet. I'm getting anxious and find him in my every waking moment and my dreams. I have had a couple bad dreams, but its nice to know that he's going to be there to comfort me when I have them. He doesnt want me to have bad dreams, but be happy. I am truly happy being his and am really excited to get into the lifestyle and see what things are life in person, much like my thoughts yesterday. It's just more and more I have become curious and the need has been there for so long. I know it's somewhat close to lusting for it, but it's not. I can patiently wait til the day I get to see him and look into his eyes and feel his touch. I may not have a lot of patience, but my patience will hold out til then.

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