Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Forgetting the Past and Moving into the Present

   Wow, what a fun but long day. I can say after yesterday I wasnt quite sure what to feel with the way things were going with my parents. I killed time hanging around McDonalds yesterday and then left for my recruiter's. I had heard from my mother for the first time in about three to four days and it surprised me. She called me asking if I wanted to meet up with her and my aunt for dinner so I told her if I got out from my meeting I would. She agreed and I told her I would call and let her know when I found out more details.
       My drive to the meeting was uneventful, other then I was hoping that the email and journal I had sent were acceptable to him. I mean it was a constant thought in my head. I just hoped that he would like the ideas I presented because it was coming from my heart. I think he would be fine with it though. I headed towards the recruiter and got there with plenty of time. Come to find out we were all going mini bowling together and it was going to be over at 6:30. So I called my mom to let her know and she told me that she was going to go ahead and eat. I hate to admit it, but after her telling me they just couldnt wait that long to eat, I felt hurt and crushed. I mean this was added onto me already getting ditched on Easter weekend. I think my emotions on that are starting to overflow. I'll admit I was extremely upset, but I did what I did best and hid it from everyone around me(with the only person knowing is him).
         We went mini bowling and it was so much fun. I was texting him the entire time because in all honesty I hate going for periods of time without hearing from him. We talked about various things and I was offered to have a drink bought for me even though I said I couldnt afford it. The guy who rode with us and was bowling with us, offered to buy me a drink. Later he also ended up buying the pizza that the three of us split. It wasnt the greatest pizza but hey it was food and I wasnt complaining. I felt bad because he was paying for it and I insisted that he didnt have to. I was still remembering the lesson from the other day that I dont want to be seen as taking advantage of people. It was so much fun though. We bowled and I got quite a few strikes. Then we played DDR and I can honestly say it wasnt as hard as I thought it was going to be. I had so much fun and I even played it in a skirt.
       After finishing up mini bowling we headed back to the recruiter's office and I hung out there for a little bit. We were talking with a guy there about various things. He had mentioned he had gotten in an accident, but was okay. Although his truck definitely wasnt from the pictures he showed us. My sis and I talked with the other recruiter about various things and then I finally decided to leave. Right before I was getting ready to leave, my mom called me. She asked me if I was coming over and due to them headed back to the hosue I couldnt come over because of my gas situation. If she had offered to help me out a little bit then I would have gone see her, but there was no offer. I feel that it's a two way street on me going to see them, but if I cant afford it I'm not going to stress myself out anymore. Well my aunt called me a few seconds later asking if I was coming over and when I told her no, she got frustrated because she claimed I was already in the area. I wasnt in the area and was another 30 minutes away from them and didnt have the money to get to them.
       Well heading home, I became really uspet. I just couldnt figure out what to do and was more hurt then anything. I hate having to hide how I feel about the situation with my parents, but the only person that knows how I feel and how upset I have gotten with it all is him. He has seen me at the worse and best. I just feel that for everyone else I have to put up a wall. Like yesterday I had a wall up about my emotions and hid just how hurt and upset I was and held the tears in til I was on my own. I hate people seeing me cry and there are few that have done so. I just feel lost as to how the relationship is to continue but at the same time I want to move on, but also want to let them know how I feel. It's just so confusing, but thankfully he has been there for me so far. He has been there for me comforting me with me being upset and is totally understanding of it all. I'm still hurt but thankfully he can make me laugh and smile when all I want to do is curl up and cry.
        Well last night was fun and I got to check my facebook for an hour. After getting home he read my journal entry and liked the ideas I had listed. The corner time he liked a lot and I showed him later what the position looked like for me. He liked the position and it is now the position I am to be in when I get in trouble. I am to get into that position until I'm told otherwise. I admit that I'm glad that he's okay with my ideas and didnt think it was cheating at all. I just couldnt think of anything really, although the corner time was my idea. I think I will be sitting in the corner and not able to talk for a period of time when I see him. That will kill me because I love talking and hate not being able to. But I do know that I need to learn and he will be teaching me a lesson with it.
         I went through today as normal and had so much fun. I felt frustrated, but it wasnt any more then usual. I just got frustrated that I had to work but I didnt really want to. I got a text message from him this morning telling me good morning and I love it because I'm not sure if he knows it, but he's motivation to make it through the day and earn the money. I have to admit that him texting me throughout the day helps me make it through the long day and the double shifts. I think it's cute and love that he wants me to check in when I go out for runs because he wants to make sure I'm safe. I'm just ready to start going on runs and making tips.
       I felt amazing talking to him tonight and it's amazing just listening to him talk and watch him smile. It's funny because a couple of my friends have noticed the recent updates and changes and are curious. It makes me feel so happy to talk about him, although I keep a good bit private and to myself, but its amazing still knowing all the time that I'm his and that I trust him and he trusts me. It's a wonderful feeling and I love it. It makes me so happy and my friends have realized just how happy I am. I removed pictures today on my facebook of Jackass and it felt so good to get rid of that part of my life. There was so much that went on in my life and before I had wanted to delete the pictures but just couldnt. I felt there was some memory there and I should keep them for some reason. Well after hearing him say he didnt like them and ask me if I could remove them(which I can understand after looking at them---since I hadnt looked at them since me and Jackass had broken up in october). I realized that I was trying to hold onto something(in the past) and that there was no reason for me to keep those pictures. He was the same old person and always would be. I gladly and with no restraint or second thoughts deleted the pictures on there.
        I cant wait and am excited for early May to come up now. I'm thinking of planning something (or at least getting ideas together) and seeing what he thinks once I have everything together. I'm so excited and am just ready to see him because I feel like it will be so amazing to finally see him and have him hold me in his arms. I am just excited to see him, but also nervous because I'll be getting my first punishment. I dont think this month can pass by fast enough.

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