Sunday, October 17, 2010
I dont even know what to say
So to tell where the adventure started and how that happened i have to say that i got a car today. i am so excited because it was what me and Master had been looking for and was within my price range and budget. The weird thing is that the dealer let me drive it off the lot and the payment and financing options are still being worked on as we speak. im guessing this is because of the fact that i am military and they know where im going to be...its not like i can just drive off with the car.
Anyways, i got the car and was driving it around with the guys that came with me. All of them wanted to check out walmart/gamestop(both in same shopping area) and then food at the riverwalk. i should have known this was a bad idea from the beginning taking 2 vehicles to downtown. It will NEVER happen again because in all honesty i will be riding with someone that knows where they are going or has a GPS on their phone. i am so directionally challenged and it showed tonight for sure. But we made it to the first stops no problem, but when we got to downtown we got separated. The two guys in the truck branched off at some point and we couldnt find them or get in touch with them. my phone was dead as well as the phone of my friend that was with me. The two of us walked down the riverfront looking for them because that was where all four of us were headed. me and my friend didnt find them so the decision was made to grab food and just head back. There was no need to stay longer then needed, but food was an important thing at the time.
After what felt like forever, i finally made it back to base and back to my room. The worst feeling in the world was about to happen and it had already begun happening as i continued to get turned around the wrong way. i was ready to pull over and just call Him to let Him know i was okay and then call the instructor on duty to ask for directions, when i saw signs showing us where we were close to base. But the worst part was when i got back and was able to plug my phone in to charge it. Seeing those messages from Him trying to check and make sure i was okay and i couldnt answer the phone...it hurt knowing He was so worried. i honestly feel so worthless and just deflated because i caused Master to worry so much over me. The worrying for Him is worse because i am over here in a large city and He cant do anything about what happens to me, aside from trusting me and who im with.
Tonight was a huge snafu on my part from not having a phone charged(it charged all night but for some reason died super fast today) and also not having someone with a charged phone/GPS in the car with me. i hate that this whole thing happened tonight because it is my fault. i should have been smarter and realized that there was no way/need to go to the downtown area for food especially with two dead phones. im not forking out extra money for a car charger when i have one at home. i can suck it up and just make sure my phone is always charged fully before going anywhere..if not im not going to allow myself to leave because i dont want the situation of Him not being able to get ahold of me to happen again.
My stomach is churning right now and i am tossing and turning already and ive barely laid down. Speaking on the phone with Him after receiving those messages, i was curled up into a ball. i couldnt think of anything other then bawling my eyes out and praying that He would be forgiving and not hate me. i talked with Him and everytime i cringed as He asked me if i knew how worried He was and that He was so pissed and worried because He hadnt heard from me for five hours. i cringe because i hate myself for going that long without calling Him or even trying to send Him a text somehow to let Him know i was still okay.
i cant think of a worse way to end the day. i guess its a good thing that it is the end of the day and that i am fixing to head to bed. i only hope and pray that He will have mercy on me. i love Him so much, but i hate when i disappoint Him or cause Him to be worried like i did tonight. Whatever punishment comes from it or whatever really comes out of this, i understand and will bear it because i deserve it all. i was the one who was bad tonight in all aspects and have to face the consequences for my actions. i guess for now all i can do is go to sleep and start tomorrow as a brand new day.