Sunday, October 17, 2010

I dont even know what to say

    Wow, there is no way to describe this feeling i have right now. It is the worst feeling in the world and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. Tonight has been just a bad night somewhat all around. i hate how everything happened and the thing i hate the worst is that i caused Master to worry about me a lot. He was extremely worried and pissed at me when i finally made it back home.
    So to tell where the adventure started and how that happened i have to say that i got a car today. i am so excited because it was what me and Master had been looking for and was within my price range and budget. The weird thing is that the dealer let me drive it off the lot and the payment and financing options are still being worked on as we speak. im guessing this is because of the fact that i am military and they know where im going to be...its not like i can just drive off with the car.
   Anyways, i got the car and was driving it around with the guys that came with me. All of them wanted to check out walmart/gamestop(both in same shopping area) and then food at the riverwalk. i should have known this was a bad idea from the beginning taking 2 vehicles to downtown. It will NEVER happen again because in all honesty i will be riding with someone that knows where they are going or has a GPS on their phone. i am so directionally challenged and it showed tonight for sure. But we made it to the first stops no problem, but when we got to downtown we got separated. The two guys in the truck branched off at some point and we couldnt find them or get in touch with them. my phone was dead as well as the phone of my friend that was with me. The two of us walked down the riverfront looking for them because that was where all four of us were headed. me and my friend didnt find them so the decision was made to grab food and just head back. There was no need to stay longer then needed, but food was an important thing at the time.
   After finishing dinner, me and my friend headed back to my car. Leaving the riverwalk, we headed to back to base. It was pure crazy...i thought i knew where we were going and my friend did too because we both had paid attention to the drive when taxi cabs or other transportation was used to downtown. i got lost and ended up taking the next exit up from the road we needed off 410. i had to turn around after that and went the wrong way on the other side of that road so i had to turn around again. i felt so horrible and directionally challenged. At this point i knew Master was probably starting to get worried because it had been a few hours since i had been able to contact Him. i was desperate to get back fast so that i could call or text Him to let Him know i was fine. i made mistakes that i shouldnt have made and went the wrong direction trying to get to the road off 410 so i had to turn around a third time. On the fourth time, i finally made it to the road and got to driving down it and things didnt look right. I turned down headed away from the base, but realized shortly after i had been headed in the right direction the whole time.
     After what felt like forever, i finally made it back to base and back to my room. The worst feeling in the world was about to happen and it had already begun happening as i continued to get turned around the wrong way. i was ready to pull over and just call Him to let Him know i was okay and then call the instructor on duty to ask for directions, when i saw signs showing us where we were close to base. But the worst part was when i got back and was able to plug my phone in to charge it. Seeing those messages from Him trying to check and make sure i was okay and i couldnt answer the hurt knowing He was so worried. i honestly feel so worthless and just deflated because i caused Master to worry so much over me. The worrying for Him is worse because i am over here in a large city and He cant do anything about what happens to me, aside from trusting me and who im with.
     Tonight was a huge snafu on my part from not having a phone charged(it charged all night but for some reason died super fast today) and also not having someone with a charged phone/GPS in the car with me. i hate that this whole thing happened tonight because it is my fault. i should have been smarter and realized that there was no way/need to go to the downtown area for food especially with two dead phones. im not forking out extra money for a car charger when i have one at home. i can suck it up and just make sure my phone is always charged fully before going anywhere..if not im not going to allow myself to leave because i dont want the situation of Him not being able to get ahold of me to happen again.
    i feel so guilty that He was up and worrying for hours tonight. He hadnt heard from me for 5 hours...if i was in His shoes, i know i would be worried sick. my stomach is doing flips and churning from the guilt and just hatred at myself because i disappointed Him and had Him worried about me for so long. with Him being in a field that deals with people everyday in life altering situations, i know that was probably one of the most forefront thoughts in His hand. He wanted to make sure i was okay. i feel ashamed that i let it happen and i let Him down because He trusted me to always have a way for Him to get in touch with me. i should have had my phone fully charged and not had it die on me. No matter what i know this will NEVER EVER happen again.
    My stomach is churning right now and i am tossing and turning already and ive barely laid down. Speaking on the phone with Him after receiving those messages, i was curled up into a ball. i couldnt think of anything other then bawling my eyes out and praying that He would be forgiving and not hate me. i talked with Him and everytime i cringed as He asked me if i knew how worried He was and that He was so pissed and worried because He hadnt heard from me for five hours. i cringe because i hate myself for going that long without calling Him or even trying to send Him a text somehow to let Him know i was still okay.
   He has decided that tomorrow i wont be allowed to go off base unless it is with my team or my instructors or doing something for my job. i honestly completely understand and i also wonder if He will be adding more. i am not complaining about the not being able to go off base because i deserve it. i lost my ability to go off base after tonight with all the worry i caused Him. i honestly feel that i should have to earn that right back(aside from the trip i will have to make to the dealer to sign the other documents and all)...i should have to earn the privilage to go off base and enjoy the riverwalk or other things and be responsible and have a charged phone and let Him know that im okay. i think i may even suggest that i am grounded from using my car except for essential trips around base to take care of things for the team or to grab groceries if i need any. i also think maybe i should have some numbers added to my spanking tally because im sure if i had been home tonight i would have received one and then we would have talked. i do feel i deserve a spanking to remember for this incident, but im not sure if Master agrees or not...
    i cant think of a worse way to end the day. i guess its a good thing that it is the end of the day and that i am fixing to head to bed. i only hope and pray that He will have mercy on me. i love Him so much, but i hate when i disappoint Him or cause Him to be worried like i did tonight. Whatever punishment comes from it or whatever really comes out of this, i understand and will bear it because i deserve it all. i was the one who was bad tonight in all aspects and have to face the consequences for my actions. i guess for now all i can do is go to sleep and start tomorrow as a brand new day.
     Master, i love You so much and i hope You know that. i didnt mean to be late tonight at all and if i had the chance to redo it all again i would. i would give anything to take back those 5 hours that You spent worrying about me. i promise that it wont happen again and i will do whatever i have to do to make sure that it doesnt and for You to trust me to go out like that again. i feel so horrible and crummy that i let something like this happen. i should know better and i should have done better, but i didnt. i messed up and im sorry. i hope You can forgive Your lil one and that ill still be Your lil one. All i know to say is i'm sorry Master....i really, really, really, am sorry that i caused You all this worry and frustration and everything else. Your lil one comes to You and kneels at Your feet, begging forgiveness.

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