Sunday, October 17, 2010

Trouble, trouble, and more trouble

    So today has been filled with a mixture of me getting myself into and out of trouble. I was still dealing with all that had happened last night. Recap is that i was a little over 5 hours late in getting back to talk with Master. He wasnt very happy about not hearing from me for over 5 hours and was extremely worried and pissed. I hated the feeling of knowing i had disappointed Him majorly and upset Him. He was beyond upset and i was so afraid that i was going to lose Him or go back to being under consideration instead of His lil one. There has only been one time in our whole relationship that He has threatened to do it and it scared me to my core(and still does). I dont know what i would do if He was ever to do that as a punishment because to me it is humiliating and just plain disheartening to know i would have disappointed Him that much.
   Anyways, back to the day. Today started out with a better day and i for sure followed His instructions from last night and called Him the minute i woke up. In the past i have waited until i was a little bit more awake and less sleepy sounding to call Him, but today was different. Not only was i not waiting, but i didnt want to chance Him being upset with me again today. Last night was bad enough. But i called Him and talked with Him and one of our submissive friends. She knows all about how i was in trouble and was comforting me last night when i couldnt sleep. i was so afraid of what He was going to tell me today. This morning He told me that He still hadnt come up with my punishment yet, but He had gotten my email last night of my journal that i wrote when i felt so hopeless.
   He told me a short time later that it was my job today and my task for the day to figure out how to get back on His good side. For the life of me, it honestly took me half a day to even come close to an idea. Admittedly (and ive done this in the past when i have had to come up with my own punishment for things) i googled some ideas and came up with one that was on my own. The others i took from ideas that i would hate and it became one long punishment. After thinking about it and wondering if it was going to be enough for Him and a good enough punishment, i offered my suggestion. A spanking, either separate or added onto my total already, corner time because i hate not being able to talk or move(not moving kills me more then anything), writing an essay on how i felt knowing He was worried about me and how i would fix my behavior, and i am grounded from going off base unless it is something to do with the team or with our instructors.
   He liked the ideas of all the punishments and took all of them. I was wondering if He was going to pick just a couple, but i got all of them. I'm not complaining though because i earned all of them with just how much He was upset and pissed and worried about me. This mistake will never happen again after last night. But i am receiving 300 spankings---100 from the belt, 100 from the brush, and 100 from His hand and maybe the paint stirrer. I know for sure that my butt will be raw and i wont be able to sit for a few days. All of these will be given in 3 different positions too----bent over His knee, bent over grabbing my ankles, and bent over the bed. I know i will struggle with this one for sure. I hate that its going to hang over my head until it is finally dealt with when i see Him, but i deserve it. I shouldnt have been late last night and i shouldnt have made Him worry about me.
   Last night is done and over with and i know my feelings from it and i can grow and learn from it. There will be challenges in the future, but i know and hope that for sure this isnt one of them because i am learning this lesson now. I know that He still trusts me and being over here He has to place a lot of trust in me. If i were to keep doing something like this(not that i would) it would break His trust and leave Him wondering about things. That's why im doing everything in my power now to let Him know that He can trust me and to keep Him in the loop with what is going on. Yesterday He had no way to contact me and had no way to know what was going on with me or anything. That scared Him because with His career field, it means worst case scenario i was in an accident or hurt or something. I hate that i caused Him to think that. :( My new goal is to never make that thought happen again.
   I have moved on and learned from it and hopefully will be a better submissive for it. My Master still loves me, just as i still love Him. This is just one rock in the path we're walking and He is dealing with it. Dealing with it may not be right away for all of it, but i know that when the time comes it will be dealt with just as if time hadnt passed by since the incident. So my new goal is to stay out of trouble and always make sure i have a charged phone either on me or the person who is riding with me. That way i always have a way to communicate with Him. He has always done that for me, so it is only fair that i return the favor for Him.

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