Sunday, November 7, 2010

Fighting Myself at Times...

   Today has seemed like a whirlwind of activity from the very start to even now. I cant seem to stop being on the go, even when im stopped and doing nothing. Try as i might, it seems that even on the days im relaxing that im always out running here and there with friends doing this or that.
   This morning after i woke up, i headed out with friends to get some food and then finish my Christmas shopping for Him today. i was so excited to finally be able to get the last of His gifts today that i just couldnt wait. i still cant wait for Him to see them because i know He will love them and will most definitely use them very well :D. Anyways, we headed out and went and picked up a friend of one of my friends because he needed a ride and it turned out well because i got gas money out of it.
   After leaving there, all of us headed to get food. i was starving and so were they. None of us had eaten since the night before and it was about two by the time we finally got in to eat. Crazy enough i dont think i have ever eaten that much before. i had three different kinds of chicken, pepper steak, rolls, biscuits, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, nachos, cupcake, slice of cake, grapes, and 3 glasses of sweet tea. It was a heck of a lot of food for little me and lets just say it has kept me full all day. Thats why i love eating at the buffet. It keeps me full and i get my moneys worth.
   The day got a lot better and more interesting for me after that. The trip took us to the mall where i ended up buying His Christmas gifts and it was a crazy thing. i went into the store and began looking for His gifts. i found two of them that i wanted and i couldnt find the third that i had already decided on. The funny thing was that i sat in this store and debated on various things to get for quite a few minutes. While i was debating some members of my team came in so i was crazy paranoid that they would see me, but at the same time i was at the stage where i didnt care as well. i wanted to get His gifts and i didnt care if they saw. It was between me and Him and i didnt have to explain anything to Him. All i will say about my gifts for Him is that one of them is going to be interesting for sure cause i tried it out on myself and it might leave a mark. Lol, He's going to have fun when He gets them when we stay in the cabin. Although that also means hopefully (if i dont majorly act up or do something wrong to cause me to lose it) that ill get to wear His collar that weekend. It will be so amazing.
   So back to the rest of the day. The group with me headed out to the mall to look around and ended up going to bass pro. i could live in there for years i found out today. In the past, i just walked right on by and didnt pay attention to anything going on, but after today i have a feeling it will be bad and a big dent in our money if we are let loose in there. i saw so many things that He would have liked or that i liked and wanted that i wanted to get, but i was able to restrain myself and walk out of there without spending anything. i was most defniitely a good girl when it came to walking out of there with nothing.
   After leaving there, the decision was brought up about seeing a movie. They offered to pay and did pay for me. It was only about 5 something and there was still time before He got off work that i thought it would be good to see one. I also couldnt turn it down because they all wanted to see one and even paid for me to get in to one. There was no getting out of that one, well there was but its hard to say no to a bunch of people who offer to buy your ticket for a movie. So we ended up going in to see Due Date. Good movie and very funny on a side note. Well, i let Him know i was at the theater and that was going to watch the movie and then head back to base so that He knew what was going on. I got a one word response text message that shocked my world....wtf. It shocked me so i sent Him a text back asking Him what He meant and if He was upset with me because that was like a shock. i didnt know what i had done and was confused. i tried calling Him and no answer. At this point every thought was going through my head and i was on the verge of tears because i thought i had done something so wrong to upset Him that much. Needless to say it was a lot of overreacting on my part. i got a text message about 20 minutes later saying something and that He had been sent out on a call. i couldnt believe it. i had overreacted for nothing.
   My head lately has been so jacked up that i find it hard that my first thought was to jump to the conclusion that i had done something so wrong that He just wouldnt speak to me. i know though that when He gets mad He doesnt want to talk to anyone, but this was different. i didnt know what i had done to make Him mad, which thankfully in this case was nothing. Anyways....i feel that i am so anxious and nervous that ill do something to cause Him to get so upset with me. He has talked about making the leash tighter when i get home and i wonder if He feels that im taking advantage of the freedom opportunities that He gives me while im here. i truly dont but i found myself later tonight understanding just why He is so worried about me all the time. i am a million miles away from Him and He has no way to control what is going on around me or what im doing. The only thing He can do is trust me and He puts a lot of trust into me. Sometimes it is  hard for Him, but i understand His worry and His need for the things like my curfew and other things.
   After thinking about things, i also came to realize that i am not quite sure how to balance things with Him and me, me and my social life. It is so hard trying to find that balance without Him here because He is the one to say what goes on when and where when im home with Him. Its hard for me because He is so many miles away and i am left feeling a little bit lost. It seems that He has mentioned before when i write about things coming out and i talk to Him about it after the fact. The thing is with me i dont realize what is happening until it is either happening or already happening. im honestly afraid of doing something or breaking rules and He has enough because it seems to be the same thing. Im trying so hard to make sense of this new world and everything. i dont know how to word it or even begin to describe what im trying to ask for help  or patience on. i love Him so much and i hate that i frustrate Him or upset Him. i just want to be that perfect lil one and i try so hard to be perfect for Him, which i know ill never be....but i try. i just hope that He sees it. im trying so hard to follow His rules and theirs and still have a social life too. Ugh, its all sooooo complicated...like i dont mean to sound like i want to be mindless but sometimes it seems easier that the choices be made for me,  but i know i have to be an adult and make some decisions on my own.
   The other thing i came to realize is that some of my choices made this weekend werent the greatest. i have a feeling and i know that He will probably agree with this is that i wont be leaving base next weekend. i dont want to say that i dont deserve it no matter how hard the weekend is, but i dont deserve it with all that has gone on this weekend for being late getting back last night and He didnt get very much sleep because of it and me being late tonight as well. i really dont try to miss my curfew or disobeyHim, but i think this will make things a little bit easier for me. im making that decision for me because i need to focus on Him and me and make sure that i have time to talk to Him since im so exhausted during the week by the time me and Him get to talk.

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