“It’s a type of training exercise, no, not on how well you present yourself, but on how well you handle orders you don’t like. It’s easy to submit when you are told to do what you want to do anyway. When it really counts is how well you obey when it isn’t fun. When you are required to kneel in front of a mirror with some stranger staring at you, something you would never do normally. That image you see in the mirror? You are being forced to confront your own nature, the core of who you are. No pretense, nothing concealed. You begin to realize just how truly dependent you are on your master.”
This is a quote from a story that has quickly become a favorite of mine. Reading it after an extremely rough morning of grueling PT led by a PT machine, I was aching for something to just quench my thirst. Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a thirst like a normal thirst, but a thirst and hunger for my Master to tell Him all about what had happened and how I had done. Anyways, that brings me back to this quote. Reading it after the session we had this morning makes more sense to me then ever before.
Before now, I honestly struggled with trying to find the balance between my world and the lives that me and Him live and the military world that I have suddenly found myself in. Most of the time I found myself teetering on the brink of losing one while trying to still find my footing in the other. Missing curfew here or just snapping out of tiredness from the long day at Him as He is trying to be helpful were the little things that I see now were wrong with how I was handling things. Looking at this quote from the story, it makes me realize that the two worlds are kind of one and the same and there is a way to balance them.
When it comes to the military lifestyle that I find myself in now, there will always be orders that I wont want to follow or will disagree with, but I will still have to do them. There is no second guessing or thinking “well I don’t want to do this because its not right” or other mindsets like that. The NCOs here and the officers that make the decisions as well as the squad leaders and ropes are all in their places for a reason. The people over them think that they have the ability to lead and the power to do so. I see now that it wont be easy at times, but I must follow their orders without hesitating because that little ounce of hesitation may mean the difference between life and death for someone.
Enough about the dreary picture of war and on to the lifestyle that I live with my Master. He is my Master and truly owns me in every sense of the word. Right now, I may not wear His collar, but that doesn’t mean that my actions should be any different between now and if I was wearing it. One day soon I will be presented with it and I want to make sure that He is and always will be proud of me and be able to say “That’s My lil one” with pride. I realize that my actions from when I was with Him to how I act now are totally different. He has had to make adjustments because there are times that the military does interfere with specific rules He had for me, for instance the clean shaven rule. With limited time here, I try to follow that rule but it is hard to find the time with the crazy hectic schedules we keep here. Now does that mean I am intentionally disobeying Him? No it doesn’t. It just means that I have to work extra harder to keep up with it and do it when I am given the time, like the weekends I have off duty.
This morning I found myself in a predicament that I honestly felt weak compared to everyone else. During the pt session, we stopped running and lined up in a parking lot to do suicide sprints from every second line for 3 of them. I have a bad knee, but I did them. The worst part of it was that after we were done, we had to wait in the push up position for everyone else to do their sprints. Looking down the line, it seemed like there were so many of them. I think in all honesty there was probably 15 to 20 of us this morning and I had to hold that position while everyone was doing their sprints. At my weakest point, I found myself thinking of Him and how He would want me to continue to hold that position. I found myself thinking and saying to myself, “This is for my Master. This is for Master. This is for You.” I repeated it over and over again for the next two or three minutes or how long I don’t even know really, but it was hard. I found myself struggling and yes it was unpleasant, but I dealt with it and I knew that Master would be happy when He found out.
Living life here isn’t hard, but I find that He is honestly my source of strength and my calm when the storms are raging here. I have faced incredible hurdles here and I’m in the process of facing even more. Girls who are so used to getting their way, find that I am the easiest one to pick on for some reason, but im not one to give up just because of the games they play. Yes, I may have an issue with my feet(an issue that was once embarrassing but I now know its not really that embarrassing after all) but that is not anything to judge me on. Everyone has their own issues and that is one of mine. I have found that He has been my biggest source of strength while working through school here. Through thick and thin, we have had our ups and downs, but He has been there from the beginning, fighting for me. He always has my back and will continue to do so. Yes there will be times that I will act up or do something against His rules, but if I keep this quote in my mind always, there should be rare times for that.
I promise to keep fighting not for me anymore, but for Him. Not once has He asked me to do anything that I cant do. It’s no longer about me, but about my Master. He is my Master and I will do this for Him, not myself. Everything I do is for Him and no longer for just myself anymore. Just a little bit of refocus and it can easily be done. Only a few more weeks and ill be back in His arms again. Cant wait until then, but until that day I get to just dream of Him and His loving arms.