Today has been a crazy long day and there is just no words to even begin to describe it. My emotional rollar coaster is running rough and ragged. I find myself facing so many ups and downs of life that i cant believe i have made it through them all.
My last and major test was this morning and i couldnt believe how stressed i was. I knew that this was the hinging factor on whether or not i was going home next week or possibly the week after. It was supposed to be the hardest test ever. The bad thing was that i was seriously considering purposely failing my test just to get away from the other drama that im facing, but i knew that Master would never go for it. He would have killed me on the spot if i had purposely failed a test. Needless to say, i passed the test but i was still being harsh on myself. I felt horrible that i had gotten as low of a score as i did, but Master always feels that as long as i try my hardest that it is acceptable(as long as im passing of course).
Last night's drama continued into today....i am in the process of rebuking an LOR that i was given from my instructor for a completely bogus reason. It sucks that i have to go through all of this and officially have lost my RAP and have shortened my time with Master and my family. Im fighting it and it is just stressing me out like crazy. All day today i havent been able to eat and just couldnt really drink either. I did when we were told to hydrate, but it wasnt with much enthusiasm. I felt guilty and just so eaten up because i had let Master down. He told me all last night that He wasnt upset with me in any way, but somehow i just feel i majorly screwed up. I just cant explain the way i feel about all of this and just how much i feel i screwed up with all this, even it wasnt totally my fault. Yes, i was in the wrong but it isnt an offense worthy of the punishment i got.
So today, i pretty much fought to keep myself from losing it. I didnt say anything to anyone and focused on keeping my concentration. I couldnt believe just how crazy it was making me. I have learned to put it aside though that way i could get through the day. My emotions are staying in somewhat check, but after writing my rebuttal i feel loads better. Master was right, taking care of this and at least trying to fight was the best advice i ever got. Now all i get to look forward to is coming home to Him and marrying Him :D I cant believe im getting married and His grandmother has offered to help us find a church and everything. I wonder how much it would be to do something small for just our families??I dont want anything big, just something small that my parents and sis and everyone can come too. I dont know how big He wants though....hnnnn decisions, decisions.
I hope and pray that these next few days fly by because it has been a torturous past two days. Before long i will be back in Master's arms and getting that spanking that i deserve and have earned despite me wanting to fight it, i know i deserve it. Cant wait to play hide and seek with Him and have Him pin me to the bed and just have His way with me.....yum! Ill leave my thoughts at that for tonight....staying on a positive note.