Friday, February 11, 2011

New Life, New Home, New Me, Same old Family....

   Wow, what a wonderful message to get on my profile when i log onto my favorite social website today. Recently we had a death in the family and it has affected me more then what i thought. Granted it was someone close to me, but not extremely close it still affected me. My grandmother's passing affected me a lot i will admit, but looking at everyone around me (mainly Master's family) i realize just how much im loved and how she would want me to be happy.
    Our life is starting out amazing together. The first apartment we got was just a bad living situation for us with noisy neighbors, people trying to break into the car, and just not a safe neighborhood area. The bad part that i realize now that i think about it is that a lot of people knew the area where we got our old apartment was a bad place to live, but not once did anyone tell us not to go there. It was suggested that if there wasnt anything close to the base, then there would be something close to the nearest big city. Well, it was close but it wasnt safe. Oh well, you live and you learn i guess and this was our learning experience. Needless to say, we got a newer and better place to live. We are now living in a two bedroom, one bath house with a huge kitchen. Although we dont have a lot to fill it with, that is something we can work on. The two of us just started out together and i wouldnt expect us to have everything to fill a house.
   Speaking of us just starting out our life together, i cant believe that Master and i have been married for almost two months now. The two of us were talking about it and i cant believe it either way. The two of us together is just like we are the best of friends. It's not like anything changed between us. He is my best and closest friend and is always there for me. The first person i turned to after getting the news was Master because He knew exactly how i was feeling. There are torn feelings for asking Him to help me get through this especially around this time of year because it being so close to His father's passing. His father is a man that i have heard so much about and only wish i had been able to get to know him. There are things that Master says or does and it is just like what they say His father did. It's crazy...but we both have realized we met for a reason, especially since my birthday was the day after his funeral and a couple other dates match up to crazy coincidence. Anyways, Master has been there for me from the beginning. Always fighting in my corner and lately it seems that i have been shoving myself further and further into that corner.
   With all that has happened, my emotions suddenly became raw and i felt trapped. Not so much trapped that there was no way out, but trapped in that all my emotions were coming at once and i just didnt know what to do. Turning to Master, i leaned onto His shoulder and got amazing support. He rubbed my back and just comforted me, letting me know He was there. There is no other way to describe how loving and just out of this world amazing that a guy can be when something like this happens. With all my family situation, He has been nothing but understanding. Which brings me back to the lovely message i got when i checked my profile. There was a message from my mother telling me not to post anything else about the whole situation with my grandmother because my father wanted to keep things private. No offense, but being as far away from any of my family as i am and just having Master to support me, i turned to that for my comfort. It is another way of me grieving and she couldnt see that. The whole reason my parents want it to be private is because my father is getting surgery done and my mother has decided to stay by his side instead of going to the funeral. Believe me, her work would completely understand if she left and went to where my grandmother's funeral is going to be held. But no!!!
   Yet again going back to me being the child, it is my responsibility to bear everything. Master and i have talked about this numerous times again and despite having a wedding coming up, i understand she is grieving but this is just unacceptable to me. There is no way that i can just sit by and let this go!! Who am i to be the one to play secret keeper for the family?? Its not my place and nor is it my responsibility to hide the reasons why my father is different or couldnt be there. Sad to say this is one of the reasons for not going to the funeral, although i had my own reasons that werent that. It was a sub reason that i realized later after someone else voiced this too. Since my dad has let loose that he doesnt feel like who he is and was planning on getting this reconstructive surgery, my thought processes were pretty much equivalent to "whatever" as my response. It wasnt until i had to start altering how i talked to people or what i said to people because of him that i got frustrated. It is not my place to judge how to tell people or even hide it from people. Now when it came to Master that was my doing because He is in my life, but just other family members it isnt my place to hide things. If he hasnt told them by now, they will know because im not hiding anything at my wedding just for him. That being said, my moms message has put me into a bad mood so to speak because i feel she is wrong in asking me to keep things private based on this.
   Anyways, it seems that life gets more complicated, but if it wasnt for Master i would be making this decision a whole lot easier on myself. Yes i want my family to be at my wedding, but if their behavior is going to continue at such then i will be removing them from the guest list. There is no getting out of it this time. It may cause a bad reaction in the family, but i dont need to justify anything to anyone other then Master. He is the only person that has been there from day one since i met Him and has asked for nothing else in return except honesty. He doesnt put on another face for everyone around Him or expect me to be two different people around everyone. That doesnt happen!!!!! I refuse to conform anymore for my parents!!!!! It is my life now and im living it with Master!!! They dont like any of it or how im doing things they can get over it. I'm done playing cater to everyone else's needs and desires. There is only one other person besides me that i need to worry about when it comes to needs, desires, and wants and that is Master. He is my Master and i must pay attention to those and take care of them.
   Life it seems gets crazy hectic and is about to get even crazier, but i know that no matter what happens it will be okay. My knee is getting checked out and Master isnt worried about it, so i wont worry about it. My health is amazing and so is Master's. There's nothing else better that we can ask for other then a healthy family in the future, but that is a good way in teh future. Until then the two of us are going to keep working on things side by side and ill rely on His family when i need family because it seems they are the only ones who have been there for me as well from before i left for the military to my coming home. Kinda sad when i have to say that but its the truth.  Cant wait to see what the future holds, but it looks amazing to me as long as i have Master. Who knows....i think i may ask Master to please give me a spanking tonight and just use me and abuse me because i have that feeling that i need to know im His. There is that feeling of needing to be dominanted and controled. Call me crazy, but with all this craziness happening, it is the one thing that keeps me stable is knowing He is in control and that He holds the power. ( i do know this, but those things reassure me that much more and sometimes more then words are that much more reassuring)

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