Today is an amazing day and i find myself loving the relaxation of just laying in bed and watching tv with Master. It's days like this that make me so thankful for everything that i have. My head has been swirling around and around things lately and it seems that my dreams are all about this too. Somehow i think my mind is running at a faster pace then what my brain can handle.
Last night, my dreams were a little weird and ive noticed that a lot lately it has been about how i am questioning between Master and someone else. People say that your dreams tend to tell you what you are thinking about and it is a way for your body to process things when you cant do it yourself. To be honest, i half believe this because when things happened with my parents my dreams were about them and trying to control me. They got better though because Master always rescued me in the end. These new dreams that have happened the past couple days have got me wondering what they mean in real life. They are mostly of me having to choose between Master and another man. For some reason i find myself married but i am longing for another man in the dream.
Life has me loving every minute of it, but i realized today after reading another blog just how much i love Master and just how much faith i have put into Him. He is my heart and soul and is my one and only Master. The blog i read was talking about how a friend of theirs went through a horrible break up where she was released from her Owner. To think of this just makes me tear up to be honest. Master and i have a had O/our fair share of ups and downs, but many of them have been patched up. If i ever were to be released from Him, i honestly dont think i would be able to live another day because so much of myself is built into our relationship together. He is my heart and soul and i love Him so much. There were so many times along the way that i thought He would leave, but He surprised me by sticking by me through every minute of it. He had a chance to leave, but chose to stay and that shows a lot about Him.
The topic was also brought up in the blog about safety nets and building them in case something were to happen, such as being released from a Master or Owner. Her thoughts were similar to mine. If Master and i hadnt met yet or were just starting our relationship, i would have thought about setting up a safety net. In my own way i kind of did. I found myself letting Him know things little by little because i didnt want to get my hopes up like i had before. Before i met Master i had talked to numerous Dom's before and had even met with a couple to take a dip into the lifestyle and see what it was like. When i met Him, things were different. Im not sure how i knew it, but when we first began talking i knew things were different. Somehow i found myself wondering if He was going to be like the rest of the Doms and just stop talking to me after a certain point and leave me wondering what i did wrong. He was different though. He got to know me, not just the submissive me, the real me and who i was before we even began a discussion about the lifestyle. He knew me and i relished in that. Anyways, back to the safety net....Master made me realize that i didnt need a safety net with Him. If i had put out a safety net, it would have meant that i didnt truly trust Him and the thing was i DID trust Him. I trusted Him with all my heart and soul and He trusted me. He truly trusted me.
When our relationship first began, i learned a valuable lesson the hard way. Im sure there is a previous blog about this, but i feel that the issue fits wonderfully in this blog as well. Master and i were still talking and another "Dom" that i had been talking to came back into the picture. He messaged me on skype and i talked to Him. This was where i took a risk that almost cost me everything that i had with Master. The supposed "Dom" that talked to me was one i had started talking to before i met Master. However i quit when he started just like all the others with the "you must do this now" crap that a lot of them do with the instant submission. That was not who i was. Instant submission without even getting to know me was not cool in my book and this guy to be honest scared me because of his connections. This guy talked with me and mentioned how i had gotten a slot to leave for training. At this point, i was confused as to if he had something to do with it and a ball of worry was growing in my stomach. The talk continued on and it turned into Him trying to blackmail me into being with Him and not caring about Master. There were comments made about how we could do things and Master wouldnt know while i was in basic, but i couldnt do that to Master. It was not in me to be a cheater and i honestly didnt want to even be around this guy because of the bad aura he had around him and the damage it could cause to the future that i wanted. The talk ended with this guy and i had been talking to Master at the same time. Even looking back on it now, it still fills me with guilt that i didnt tell Him about it at the time so that He could deal with it. He was my protector and my Master and i had done one of the worst things in not trusting Him to help me out of a situation that i didnt know how to get out of. Needless to say that was one of the darkest moments of our relationship where i was threatened to be released from Him. The feelings that day came flooding back when i read the excerpt from a friend's blog on one of the blogs i read. It scared me to death to think of losing Him.
Thinking of safety nets, i realize it is a lot like that day where i chose not to trust in Master and put myself into a situation that almost cost me everything. If i had chose to create a safety net, it would be like a part of me would be admitting that i didnt trust Him when in fact, that is not true at all. There have been so many valuable lessons learned since ive been with Master. He is my rock and my solid place. He is the one that i turn to when everything goes wrong. He knows how to ease my fears and comfort me when it seems as if everything else is crashing down around me. Just the thought of being in His arms and laying on His chest comforts me. He punishes me, but not more than what He knows i can handle and He always does it fairly. Everything that i have been punished for has been fair and i deserved it, whether i got mad at Him for no reason or i made Him worry for hours on end. All in all, if i really think about it, He is my safety net. He makes sure that if things crashed all around us and that everything keeps working like clock work.
Thinking of what would happen if Master and i were to break up scares me, but somehow i find comfort in knowing that i dont think it would happen. That scenario would be a very strong if in my book. We have dealt with so much ups and downs and Master has had numerous chances to leave, but He has simply grabbed my hand and pulled me tight and let me know He was there. He has always let me know that He is in my corner too and that im never facing anything alone. If the two of us can make it through all the hills and mountains we have so far, then i know we will go far. In fact, i guarantee we will go far because of one thing between us...TRUST. It's a big thing, but Master trusts me and i trust Him. I know that He truly loves me and wants nobody else but His lil one. He is my Master and yes, sometimes i may think He is a little harsher with the punishments that i wished for but i know He does it out of love and no matter what i trust that He is making the right judgement call for the crime and for the both of us. Even in the future, i trust that He will continue to make those decisions for not just me or not just Him, but us. Until then, im completely satisfied with snuggling up against His chest and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon, because it reminds me just how lucky i am to have someone that is both my best friend and my Master.