Last night was an interesting night, but one well needed after the way i have been acting towards Master. The two of us cuddled and talked about various issues that were going on with me that i had mentioned in my blog post last night. To even begin to describe it, i have to really think of how to put into words everything that was running through my heads and the emotions last night. Last night was the first time in a while that i have been raw emotionally and opened myself up to Master about how run down i was feeling.
Master has always told me that no matter what He always loves me and that nothing will ever change that. After coming clean with how i felt last night, i have to admit that i had put my heart on a shelf for alittle bit wondering if He was going to think that i had changed so much that He would want to leave me. Master reassured me though that this would never happen. There was nothing i could do to change how much He loves me whether in the vanilla lifestyle or in this lifestyle that we chose to live. Master pulled me close and stroked my head, another reassuring factor for me when He does this, and told me that no matter what my fears were, they had no foundation whatsoever. He would stand by me through thick and thin, even when my mind was wishy washy.
Last night it felt as if i was having to become rebellious to get that form of release in a spanking that i so desperately craved from Master. My luck though left me hanging because i wasnt going to receive the spanking that i hoped to get from my bratty attitude and just plain rebellious nature. Master talked to me about my attitude and made me realize that He knows i want us to be 24/7 but my rebellious side and nature make it so much harder for Him to make things 24/7 when i gripe and complain about various things or stomp my feet. Somehow being sick i felt like i had become disconnected, but it was really me sabotaging myself. To put things in perspective, i read a lot of BDSM stories growing up once i found that i was into the lifestyle. The stories and various articles i read made comments about how you arent supposed to make things easy for the Dom or Master because then it just seems like you are a complete doormat and they dont want that. So in essence, i let my rebellious side loose because i thought it was what He wanted. Turns out, this wasnt what Master wanted at all. He does want a little bit of rebellion now and then because it makes things interesting, but He doesnt want me to fight Him tooth and nail over every little thing. A comment was made to Master about how i felt that i had to be the southern girl that let my rebellious side out, but He countered back that a true southern girl knows when to listen and obey without question.
So in light of the discussion that Master and i had last night, i have a feeling that i am in for a good spanking (or at least i hope so) for all the past brattiness that i have showed. It also showed me that i have been doing nothing but following what other people think and that is over starting today. In the past i was questioning myself and trying to blend my submissive personality while also trying to hold a foot in a predominantly male career field. It's very hard and i was being told to take note and follow what some of my male coworkers were talking about with their partners. The odd thing is, Master and i havent really had a disagreement persay, more a misunderstanding or miscommunication, but compared to the men i work with we are way better in our reactions. Both Master and i think this is because our relationship dynamic has levels of trust that go way deeper and the connection is way deeper because of all that is involved with living our type of lifestyle. If you dont trust the partner you are with, then you are putting yourself in grave danger everytime you let them choke you or spank you until you hit that nice fuzzy place. It is up to me to realize that i dont need to pay as much attention as i have been to what everyone else has been saying because it is causing me to sabotage what myself and Master have. I dont want to do that anymore and it is time for a new change.
The other change that i have decided to make is also that i will be changing how much or how badly i rebel on things. Naturally i am stubborn by nature so i cant honestly say that i am going to completely quit doing it because that is impossible for me. It is almost like saying im going to take away the very air that i breath. It just cant happen. I think though that i am going to do a rules revamp and i am going to actually create a book just for me. Personally, i think this book is going to be a reminder to me of the various things that i need to keep track of in my own head from my rules, to things Master likes, to just random tidbits that pop in my head. But back to the topic i started this point about, i want to quit being so stubborn headed. Master may not have to punish me as often but i wonder if we can start maintenance spankings every week. These help to keep me from going insane and losing my head after all the stresses that i have to deal with at work. With knowing id be getting these at some point, i think id definitely feel more and more submissive and like myself.
Feeling like myself is one of the major points that im looking for and i want to go back to being lil one. Lately i have done nothing but make excuses as to why i dont feel like myself when i realized i just have to change a few things and i could still be myself with only a few minor limitations. So today i decide that im going to stop being so rebellious and id like for Master and i to go back to things being 24/7 but not exactly with Him micromanaging me. I know that micro-managing is tiresome and takes a lot out of a Dom and i dont expect Him to dictate what i wear, who i hang out with, and things like that but id like for Him to exert His control as much as possible because it is my reassuring factor. Knowing that if i do something wrong there is consequences or that if i dont keep track of my food journal that Master will take care of me and deal a punishment that fits the crime. I may not be back to my perfect health, but i can get back to how things were with us in the lifestyle. I crave more activity every night as well as knowing that im giving Master pleasure. We bought new toys and im anxious to put them to good use. The naughty little girl in me cant wait to try these out and allow them to be very well used. There's a gag that hasnt been tried out, rope yet to be used, and another vibrator that im wondering how it would feel. Oh well, i guess time will tell because im not going to pressure Master into anything. It is up to Him when and how things happen. Too long i have struggled with trying to overpower Him and rebel against Him, but that time is over. Now its time for me to be that good lil southern girl that listens and does what she's told(although every now and then rebellion may come out).