So tomorrow is going to be an interesting day for sure. It's not one that i am 100% sure that i am ready for, but in the long run i know it will be better for me and peanut in the long run as well as Master. He is completely on board and told me the decision to go ahead is on me because He doesnt want to tell me one way or the other what to do concerning this major issue because it is about my healing.
Tomorrow is a big step for me because i am going to be starting to work on bettering myself and getting to a point where my past doesnt affect me as much as it seems to do every so often. It is hard for me to admit and a part of me is not sure how it will go because i have to be cautious in the little details that i tell the counselor tomorrow for the safety of my job and my life because it is not advisable for the lifestyle and military to mix at all, especially with the military's view on how it could be considered abuse.
Anyways, i guess im kind of scared about tomorrow. This is a demon that im getting ready to face that i havent brought out into the open since i was in training for my job. Even then, it didnt fully come out but it was more that i was reminded of the assault i experienced. To be a victim of it not once, but twice is excruciating to me and there are times that i question myself and whether i really did everything that i could have. To me, its scary to face this demon that i have tried so hard to bury and just move on from, but there are times where it still rears its ugly head at me and a lot of them happen to be the most inopportune time.
****this is the hardest thing for me to admit and in writing this, i am writing it more for myself to brace myself for bringing it up in therapy tomorrow. For anyone that has gotten this far, proceed at your own risk with the rest because it is very brutal and is somewhat raw at times. I apologize in advance if this offends anyone****
We met up and things seemed to be going alright. We met in a public place and i made sure to park away and met him in front of the counter to buy tickets. It seemed things were fine til we got into the movie. It was dark and he chose the seat at the very top and decided that he was going to do what he wanted with me during the movie. There wasnt much i could because he had his arm around me, pretty much preventing me from moving away and i didnt want to draw attention to myself and make people think that it was just i was wanting him to almost have sex with me in the theater. So i sat through the movie and it finally ended, i was ready to go. He had me walk with him back to his car and this is the one part that i feel like i should have thought differently. I guess it was because it was in the middle of a lighted parking lot that i felt he wouldnt really try anything with me again. There were too many people around for that. I couldnt be farther from the truth in my thought. When we got to his truck, he offered for me to sit in it because it had started to rain. When i sat down, he pulled me over to him and began to use his hands anyway he wanted. Despite my protests, he was going to get what he wanted and i knew it by the way he was holding me down. In my own attempt to save myself, i dialed my friend that was my safe person and pretended that they were locked out of the house. It took me telling him no and pushing this guy away about ten times before i was finally able to get out of the truck and walk back to my car. Trying not to let him see, i made it to my car and immediately lost it.
I had just been assaulted and i felt so dirty and unpure and completely unsafe. On top of that, i couldnt report it. Honestly, who would believe a girl that comes in and accuses a cop that he sexually assaulted her? Not very many people. There's an unwritten code with cops that i have seen even if you dont work with them. It is like a brotherhood and nine times out of ten they will try to protect their own. Granted he wasnt a cop from my town, but he would have had more credibility compared to me. I mean from that to how do you explain how you met him? Do you tell them that you like men to be dominate with you and thats why you met him? Then it makes you look bad because they would assume that they were dominant with you and you just changed your mind. After experiencing a previous fail with the system on reporting my assault, i kept this one a secret. That has been the hardest part because to this day there are only two people that know about it.
I guess tomorrow scares me because it will bring up those emotions again that i faced that night, much like they are right now as im writing this. Although i feel that i ended up on the better end of the bargain because i have a Master that loves me and supports me through anything. He has been there and showed me that the guy in the lifestyle who assaulted me was a jerk and should have been shot. My only hope is that one day looking back on this i can show my child that i am a positive role model for them. I want them to know that no matter what happens, they should always report an assault no matter what it is because even if its just hands in your private areas and you dont want them there, it is still assault. Thats one reason i decided to go ahead with the therapy in bringing all this back up to the surface was for peanut and Master. I also want to get to a point where i dont push Master away when He's just playing with because of something buried inside me. It's nothing He is doing because i know i am ALWAYS safe with Him, but sometimes there's that unconscious reaction to push away if someone is on top of me or if it hurts sometimes. To me, im hopeful for a brighter future where i can gain a semblance of my old self back and put this demon in my past for good.