Monday, July 30, 2012

Fear

    Reading one of my books this morning, i came across a scene that got me thinking and crying at the same time. Lately i have felt that i have been out of sorts, not just with myself but Master too. A part of me wonders if it is just all the hormones changing and going back to the levels they were before, the baby blues, or just me making a big deal out of nothing.
    Our daughter has been home for five weeks now and i cant help but think that we are both so lucky to even have her here after everything we went through. Watching her sleep at night, i always find myself counting fingers and toes and just watching her breathe. My deepest fears come to life everytime i hear a little choke or watch her chest stop rising for a minute or so. It comes from deep inside me and i cant help but feel this way. Im so afraid that one minute that i am going to turn around and she stops breathing or something happens to her and i dont know it. She is our whole world and i am so afraid of losing her after everything we've been through that it scares me to my core.
    Seeing her sleeping and so peaceful and kissing her cheeks, i find myself counting every day as a miracle for her. She could have come into this world at 25 weeks instead of waiting until a little into 32 weeks. Thinking of all the hardships we had and the several times that i went into labor and i was forced to just sit through it and take all those medicines to relieve the pain. Did i do something that could end up harming her in the future, especially the day she was born because they had given me morphine and phengren and benadryl about 10 minutes before she came into the world. It would devastate me to know that she was hurt by something i took to help myself. It makes me feel like i was being selfish and not thinking about anyone but myself when it should be about her.
     We had to face her being in the NICU for a week, although it was supposed to be longer by the original doctor's account. She was supposed to have a breathing tube and a feeding tube and stay anywhere from four to six weeks, but she only needed a CPAP for a few hours and then was on oxygen after that for about a day. She was a fighter from the beginning, but despite that with everything she had it was still very sobering to watch your daughter have to have all sorts of tubes and wires running from  her. She had an iv, monitor wires, her hospital bands, and for a brief time the oxygen tubes. Not only that i had to let someone else take care of her for the first week of her life. We werent able to take her home and calm her when she cried or feed her when she got hungry. Granted, i did feed and change her the couple times that i could but it still felt odd and unreal.
    Kissing her cheek every night, Master laughs at me because i lavish kisses all over her. To me, she is our miracle baby and her birth mark is a testament to that. After the birth we noticed she had a red mark on her forehead and above one of her eyes. We found out that it is known as "Angel's kiss" or a more scientific name that i cant think of. To me, this name truly fits her because she was watched over by angels especially after my water broke and she was healthy and stayed in there for another week with no problems or infection.
     Before i got pregnant, i faced a lot of health concerns and it scares me that it feels like they are slowly coming back. Since ive been home, ive had chest pain and side pain and a new one--pain that radiates across my whole abdomen. Master jokes it off that it's not coming back(part of me thinks its because He's trying to reassure and ease my mind), but i cant help but feel that it is. We were playing a game with the kinect and i got worn out and my side was hurting horribly like it did before we got pregnant. With all those issues, i dont know if any of it will affect her and that i may have caused harm to her somehow by something i did. She was our miracle and i thank God every day for her.
     I guess the best that i can say is that i am struggling with these feelings and will always worry about her. We have already been through so much and i cant bear the thought of something happening to her to where she has to go back into the hospital or even worse. Call me a worrywart, but i have to imagine its a possibility in the back of my mind. Aside from that, my other worries concern Master and myself and whether i am doing a good enough job and if i really am a good mother so far. I know i dont know everything, but i feel that He has connected more with her than me and has so much more at ease with it then me. Myself, i feel that im overworrying especially when others joke about it because i cant bear to let her out of my sight for too long, even if it is to let someone else hold her. It scares me that they may not hold her right, or she wont like them, or i dont know. It's just fear for her i guess.
     Anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to deal with things or advice, please feel free to comment and let me know because i feel like im struggling. Im struggling with handling motherhood and myself and Master, dealing with my feelings and fear for her, and the worst part of just myself and how i still look horrible and have this huge roll and dont know how to go about losing this extra weight.....ugh such a up/down feeling today.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you Lil one,

    I remember when our first baby was born I had similar fears as you do right now. I was so worried I'd drop her when I was giving her a bath or walking down the stairs. I was a basket case until my hormones evened out and finally I just had to realize that God loved my baby girl way more than I ever could and I'd just have to trust Him to take care of her. This world has no guarantee that something won't happen to our loved ones, but when we leave it in HIS hands, we can have peace. I hope you can learn to relax about the safety of your baby girl, Lil One! I'll be praying for you:).

    Love,
    Kitty

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