Today has felt like the longest day in the world, especially after this weekend. After this weekend, both Master and i think that i may have post-partum depression so i am going to talk to someone to get some help. Things are starting to get way overwhelming with everything that i have to put onto my shoulders and bear. Master tells me all the time not to worry about a lot of it, but i cant help but worry. Growing up the way that i did, it is just a force of habit now and im not sure if it can ever be changed.
Anyways, so this weekend i had a breakdown and if it wasnt for the fact that Master's family and my family were there, He would have come out of the bathroom to find a mental case in the corner sobbing and rocking back and forth. (for those of you wondering where baby was during all this, my sister was holding her and visiting with her) Oh i forgot to mention that all this had started late friday night with a baby that didnt want to go to sleep for four hours and then me not getting but maybe 3 hours sleep. She went to sleep about 4am and then i was up about 830-9 because i couldnt sleep without Master in the bed with me. We got up to get ready and leave to go take our family pictures and then when we got there Master and i got into a little disagreement. It wasnt an argument because i just got upset and at that point i just say ok and leave it alone cause i didnt want to go off and face a punishment spanking. We took pictures, with only bad part being she screamed bloody murder when they placed her on her stomach for one of the poses. She hates laying on her stomach....and then we bought the pictures and left. By yhis time she had only gotten about 40 minutes of sleep or so between her feeding at about 11am and our picture appointment was at 1pm. So we had a very overly cranky baby from no sleep and meeting family and staying awake with them later in the day. It led to me not sleeping very well at all :( despite changing her diaper, rocking her, rubbing her back, putting her in the swing. Last resort was in the little boppy sitting pillow and that worked wonders. She was asleep within 15 minutes.
The next day was the baby shower we were supposed to have before she came home but had to move because she came early. The first thing that set me off was i wanted to sit on the floor that way other people could sit down while we opened gifts, but i HAD to sit in the chair. It pissed me off and then i had to deal with Master's grandmother calling his niece's name (imagine hearing Miney, Miney, Miney, Miney, Miney over and over again for about 5 minutes straight) and my grandmother getting upset because i told her nobody was picking up the baby while she was asleep in her swing after her not sleeping the night before. It made me mad that she was like "im not going to do any harm" and was going to try to pick her up anyway after i told her no again. It was hard because im trying to please other people, but i need to be nice for my daughter because she has no voice right now.
While the shower was going on, my grandmother announced to everyone that she got the right to hold her because she had driven over 2000 miles to see her, when she had only driven up to my parents to see her. Everybody was asking about how things went with me and our daughter and she had to keep throwing her 2 cents in about how she did with my mom and aunt and how things were with them and all this. Basically making it to be about herself instead of about our daughter. She wouldnt let anybody else hold her and claimed her to herself. The only time anybody else got to hold her, mainly my mom, was when she went outside for a smoke or not sure what.
Master's mom was getting ready to leave and gave me a hug and told me she was sorry for not buying the pak n play that she had talked about. Well i didnt want to lead her on, but i pulled her aside to let her know that we had one. She had already gotten a gift for her granddaughter and i felt that if she couldnt afford it, i didnt want her trying to scrape together and continuously pushing it off. Before i could even explain to her that she got enough for her and id rather he spend her money to visit her granddaughter, she yelled at me saying that it wasnt fair and that i had pissed her off. Master had just started working on the relationship with her so i felt that i had just killed it. He was in the bathroom when all this happened so i wiped my eyes because tears were falling by now and went back out. Everyone kept asking me if i was okay, so i changed my mind and retreated back into the bedroom that connected to the bathroom where Master was.
After seeing that, i felt that i had screwed up so horribly and gave up trying to impress everyone. It seemed that everything that happened and just how i was feeling overwhelmed me so bad that i just wanted to sit in the corner and hug myself because i had disappointed Master and He was surely going to hate me after i told Him what had happened. He came out and i explained what had happened and the tears that i had tried to hold it just kept falling and the sobs came out in the big heaving sobs because i was soooooo upset and knew that i had screwed up everything. To me, i felt that i had screwed up again just like i had been doing. He gently talked to me and explained that everything was okay and He definitely wasnt mad at me. He didnt know why she acted the way she did but that she didnt hate me.
It was a rough day so im glad that Master and i are finally home...It was a long and exhausting weekend and i needed some Master and i time. It seems hard for us to just have time to ourselves even when we go up there because it is constantly us going to visit family because they want to see the baby and if not then we hear about it and it never stops the entire weekend. After this weekend, i feel somewhat connected with Master, but not as much as i do when i am my complete self.
It is hard to want to ask Master for some play time at night when i dont ever know if i will suddenly get tired around bed time or how she will be. There is the very strong urge for play time and just to be reminded about the lifestlye and to be retrained because i know that i desperately need it. The last time Master said something smart, i wanted to smart off or when He smacks me sometimes i just want to turn around and smack Him. The other night that i did, He definitely reminded me of my place by swiftly pulling me over His lap and reminding me that i am lil one and He is the Master.He is trying and i know He is basing everything off how i am feeling. I feel that for me, especially to keep me from breaking down until i can get in to talk to someone i need some play time. It lets me know im His and that He still finds me irresistable.
He played with His lil one the other night and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. To have my hands restrained, blindfolded, and Master using toys on me and His fingers was exquisite. He had me begging Him to fuck me and it is very rare that i do so. There was sooo much need and lust built up in me. The bad part is that He just played with me, so i still have that very strong urge and need for Him to use me. Only time will tell when it will happen but i cant wait when it does. I kind of hope that it goes like it did that night. It was extremely hot to have Master tie me up like that. Oh i also forgot the spanking that i got. My mind is a little foggy as to which instruments were used, but im sure that He used the toys i got Him. I can only hope to feel it again soon. Weird for me because i never would have wanted a spanking, but right a spanking is what keeps me grounded and lets me know that no matter what He cares for me and loves me.
So on top of struggling with wanting to be fucked and played with and just have Master pleasure me with His tongue down there again for the first time in ages, i have been struggling with the rules. I am struggling with wearing the underware that He wants me to wear for certain outfits and then on top of that i found myself struggling for the first time with pleasuring myself in the shower. In my mind i was toying with the idea of using the shower head to have some fun and He would be none the wiser. The need and desire for pleasure was so strong that i was tempted to do it and in the back of my head, i almost allowed myself to do it but i stopped myself. I remembered the two rules to always be honest with Him and that i wasnt allowed to cum without His permission. That would be breaking two of the biggest rules and i dont even think i want to know what the consequences are. Although with this, what im getting to is that i am proud of myself for not disobeying MAster's rules on this although i have been disobeying the underware rule (not sure if i will be punished for breaking the underware rule or not). Today was my first day of connecting with my submissive side as i put on the old underware that Master has been wanting me to wear because it was what i used to wear at the beginning of our relationship until i got lazy and sick and just made excuses as to why i couldnt wear it. It felt amazing to follow those rules, but i wish i knew what Master would do if He knew. Would i get a reward for doing so well or just a good job? Who knows, but im sure at some point i will find out. I think for now, im going to go take care of a couple things and come back to bed and snuggle with Master. Even if i dont get rewarded, to me snuggling with Him is the best reward ever.