Monday, January 21, 2013

Ramblings going around in my brain.......

    So today has left me thinking a lot more than normal. As usual there is so many things rattling around in my brain, but after last night i find that i need to get these out and also let Master know how i am feeling. We had a session together last night and it felt amazing hearing Him whisper in my ear how much of a slut i was and just how well i knew the position to get into when He flipped me over onto my back.
    Master and i have had our fair share of ups and downs over these past few years. Lately it seems that my head keeps spinning more and more back to the lifestyle and having more experience in it. My heart and mind feel a little lost because it has been a slow return back things. Granted we had a baby and have had to modify things, but i thought that once the baby went in their own room that things would kind of start getting back to normal. A part of me is wondering if i can ask Master if it is possible to start from the beginning(not like where i was under consideration or anything like that) or just have some time together every night. We only get a few nights together by ourselves and the rest i am usually working. At the same time, the other part of me is wondering if it is better to ask for just the time and if it is possible to do more accountability for breaking rules and things along those lines.
     Master has a lot asked of Him from me and i feel truly sorry that i always seem to ask/kind of demand so much from Him. It is hard to explain just how isolated i feel at times because i dont really know but a couple people here and there is only one person that is in the lifestyle that i have met around here. It sucks not really knowing people and i wonder if there are others that i can get to know and maybe hang out with. A part of me wonders if that is what really is wrong with me is that i just need some friendship outside of just me and Master. The one friend that i know is very busy most of the time and we have only hung out once so far.
     Reading back through my first few blogs, i found myself wanting to experience that again. If i did something wrong while we were out, Master gave me a spanking when we got back later that night or would save up a few punishments and then give me one for all that i had done wrong. Understandably Master has a lot on His plate lately because He is playing daddy and everything else for our baby and taking care of me when i get sick, so things with the lifestyle have been put on hold. Right now though i feel that holding onto the hope of everything between us is what keeps me going. The lifestyle is who i am and Master being in charge of me helps keep me going when the times get tough. Despite all this, i feel that things have kind of been pushed to the back burner because of me feeling sick at times or because of the baby. Now that things are at a place where we can reestablish the lifestyle in our bedroom, i want to take charge of it. My body is craving a spanking and just Master showing just how much of the Master He is in our lifestyle.
      Lately i have been dressing up for Master and it has helped me realize that i need the submissive side of me back. For the first time ever i felt sexy and just amazing like Master thought i was hot. Before doing this for Master, i had never felt hot before. There is the need and desire to be put into position(old injuries can flare up but its nothing that ice or biofreeze cant cure) and played with and teased for hours on end as His toy like i am. Our house always looks like a disaster and yes there are times that i am busy or dont feel good, but there are times where i know that i could clean up everything i just dont feel like it. Master is an amazing man and i dont want to put too much pressure on Him so it is hard to ask Him for things like this. He does so much already from starting dinner to taking care of our baby while im sleeping after getting home from work or working on school work and sometimes cleaning up the house or the kitchen. It is my job to do all of this and i know there is time for me to do it, if i just had help with things. In my heart, i know that we can go back to actively being in the lifestyle and that it will take some modifications but we can do it. I'd like to be held accountable for ensuring the kitchen is cleaned every night, the baby's bottles are washed out every night/day, the bathroom is kept clean(clean toilet and shower at least every other week), mop the floor in the house and vacuum up the dog hair when it is piling up because i know i can do it in between my classes and work because it is not impossible and there is plenty of time between the two and i know that i will still be spending time with Master and our baby because like He says if im in the house/same room with them, then i am definitely spending time with them no matter what i might think.
     This is hard for me to do because i am very stubborn and hard headed, but im going to post soon a copy of everything that i have to do and dates due so that Master knows for sure. He doesnt have the schedule or planner book that i have because it stays with me, but there are times i just dont feel like working on my school work or studying and i know that i should be doing it but i blow it off. By posting all that for Master, i am showing Him what is due when and there is no way of getting around it. He will be able to access it whenever and that way He knows when i have a test coming up and when i need to study a little extra since i have a hard time asking for help and am very stubborn. My grades are important to both Master and i and i have to do as well as i can to get into the next level of schooling to achieve my bachelor's degree.
      On a side note, i got a letter in the mail the other day and waited to open it until i got home to Master. Come to find out, it was a letter from my college saying that i had been invited to join the honor society at my local college. It is crazy to think that after only 3 semesters i have made it into the honor society and fulfilled a promise that i made to my parents. Years ago i had told them that i was going to make the honor society and that it would be done just the same way that one of them had. It was crazy to think that i made it on top of being stuck in the hospital on bed rest and with a newborn baby at home (all with Master's help of course). It made me feel sooooo proud knowing that i made Him proud by making this honor society and doing my best. Between that and sticking it out through work one night while i was super sick was the best feeling in the world to hear Him say that He was proud of me and that i had done well. There are no words to describe.
     So there is something else that i have to add that i have been thinking about as well that i havent really ever mentioned to Master before. Lately i have been reading and i have gotten more curious about what it would be like for me to experience doing anything with another girl. Before i met Master, i had been adamant that i wanted nothing to do with another female. The stories i have been reading lately have me thinking that maybe i was a little too quick to put myself into a box and say that i wanted nothing to do with another female. A part of me is very curious as to what Master would think once He reads this. He has joked about it and if He wanted to, He could have had any other female that He wanted with me because i had not made it a hard limit but He had chose not to. Now though, it is more the curiosity is killing the cat and i think that maybe a part of it is part of my bucket list to do it. A huge part of myself is highly curious as to what it would be like to have another girl with Master and Him enjoying Himself with both of us. To me, i would like to actually try this with Master if He feels that it is something that He has wanted to try too. I mean nowadays, who actually gets told by their wife that they want to have a threesome with their husband. It is definitely going to be interesting seeing His face when He reads this section of the blog. That will be for another time for me to post further details as to if anything comes out of it and if i ever do experience something like this.
       Well anyways, this is how i have been feeling and conveying it to Master. Granted it's not the same as telling Him face to face, but He knows that when something is rattling around in my brain, it is far easier to put down in writing then tell Him because ive not always been one to say what is on my mind. Wish me luck :)

a collar that i would like to get to be able to wear for both my work and at home because my original collar from Master is too small for me to wear because i gained weight when i got sick :( :( :(

more toys but thats for another night ;)

1 comment:

  1. While reading your post, I felt your words so strongly. I can empathize with the feelings of isolation. If it feels right to you/Him sometimes dialing it all back to basics can be a good thing. And sometimes, we just need to have a lot more patience than we want to ;o) *hugs*