Sunday, March 24, 2013

That Drowning, Helpless Feeling

   Today finds my head and heart in two different places and my emotions are once again all over the place too. For the first time in a little while Master and i are having a misunderstanding and it has left me feeling ashamed of myself and just hurt, upset, and frustrated. The worst part though is that i am ashamed of myself and the selfish feelings that have welled up inside of me. When Master got onto me, saying that i was upset just because i wasn't getting my way and that i do this when i don't get my way hurt. To me, it felt like i was slipping back to how i was before i met Master. Before i met Him, when we were first talking there were a lot of changes that i had to make with myself as far as dipping into the lifestyle with both feet. When the two of us first began talking, i remember thinking that some of the decisions He made left me upset or if i didn't like it i would pout and get upset. After Master made the comment He did today, i felt like i had lapsed back into that person---that submissive that lacked the training and proper Master to correct her.
    All that leads to my feelings of being hurt and upset. The crazy thing is that it is over something as little(well now it seems somewhat little) as a german shepherd puppy. To explain why i reacted the way i did, i first have to give a little background before the story of today. Back in January, Master and i decided that we were ready to start trying to have another child and i thought we were pregnant again after missing my period at the beginning of this month. There were all the signs and symptoms, my body was changing and my hormones were through the roof. We went to the doctor for a test and it came back negative, but i felt this wasn't true because i knew my body and i could tell that i was. The doctor tried pushing me to take the provera to jump start my period again and fix my cycle, but i refused until i knew without a doubt i wasn't pregnant. He said the only other way was to do an ultrasound so i requested one. Well the night before the ultrasound, Master and i had some rough sex to where He caused me to bleed a good little bit. Then the ultrasound came and they had to do the pelvic one and that restarted the bleeding. It showed that there wasn't anything that could be seen, but the ultrasound tech said it was possible if i was too early along and from my last pregnancy, we didn't show up on the ultrasound right away. By the dates they use to calculate i was supposed to be 7 weeks, but was only showing at 5 weeks by ultrasound and 2-3 weeks by blood. So i knew this had to be the case because my body was telling me i was pregnant(and it wasn't me wanting to be pregnant so bad that i was thinking of these symptoms because Master even said He noticed them too). Anyways, the next day i went into full bleeding mode and this crushed me. Yes i had told Master that i would be fine if we ended up not pregnant and i thought it was true, but now i don't know. Just like last time when we were trying for our first child, i strongly believe that i had an early miscarriage. It sucks because i was looking forward to having another baby in the house. Well to add onto that, i found out at the end of February that i would be cut loose from my job at the end of May and there is all the stress and such that goes with that, but the worst part is we will no longer have the health insurance coverage that covers pregnancy after May. So Master and i were concerned if we got pregnant after May, what would happen.
      With the threat of not having health insurance after May and it being a testy time to bring another baby into the house, i threw out the idea to Master about getting a second dog instead and think of it as a trial run like we did with our first dog before deciding to try for a baby. He agreed and said that we would wait until we got moved and then we could look. This got me excited because He agreed that we could look for a dog and one dog that we both agree on looking for would be a german shepherd. The two of us just love that breed and the jobs it is able to do. But back to earlier....about two days ago i was bored at work and looking through craigslist at the various dogs they had posted on the site. There i found a german shepherd that was being offered for free as long as it would go to a good home. The next morning when i got home, i talked to Master about it and asked if we could get her and the reply i got was that if i got a kennel first then we could. However, after not receiving an answer that day i began to look around for a german shepherd again and sent out a few more emails to people that had ads listed on Craigslist. There was a dog i found and i was texting Master about it and asking what He thought about the specifics that were listed. There were two different prices, one without AKC papers and the other with the papers. He suggested it would be better to get with papers, but He would have to see the dog to judge if the price was worth it. Seeing this, it was clear to me that Master understood that i was looking for now and not in the future. Since the first dog He told me we could get didn't ever contact me back, i felt that i needed to see if there were any others out there that were within what we were looking for. A few more emails later and i had my answer.
        So now i finally get to the events of today. Last night and today when i asked Master about a puppy that i had found that was a reasonable price, He kept saying no looking at puppy and just shaking His head. This comment was made in a joking manner, or so it seemed to me. Not once when i was looking around was i told that we would not get one now, especially after being told i could get the one going to a good home if i simply got a kennel for it. Anyways, there was a puppy that i had found that is a very reasonable driving distance from us and is well within what we were looking for(the people are actually discounting what was a firm price for us to come get her tomorrow). When i keep trying to ask Master if we can get her, He simply laughed until the most recent attempt. He told me that He had never said that we would get one right now and that when i appeared upset i was acting that way because i simply wasn't getting my way. This hurt me because like i said earlier, it made me feel like i was digressing but at the same time frustrated me because i felt led on in this whole process. The whole time Master knew that i was looking at the dogs, but not once was i told you can look but we aren't buying one right now or anything along those lines. To me, He had consented to getting one as long as i could provide a crate, especially after okaying a price on one as long as He could look at pictures of the dog. He also made the comment that He thought i was looking for a younger dog when i showed Him the second one i got a price on because it was already two years old.
     There are mixed feelings of i should have asked for clarification on this whole thing and that it is my fault because i was jumping to conclusions, but at the same time it hurts because He had said okay and now all of a sudden He is changing His mind with no notice. Now i know that as a Dom and my Master that He has every right to do it and that i should accept it as the final say, but i really feel strongly about getting this dog. There are just no words to describe how badly i would like to add this puppy to our household. It is a dream dog of mine every since i heard my parents talking about how they used to own one and watching them as police dogs and various other things. On top of that, Master and i had even made a deal after i asked Him about the first dog that if we got another dog it meant no more trying for another baby. So if He is making me wait until at least the end of next month when we move to get a dog, then why is it that we cant try for another child because if i were to get pregnant before the end of may, i would have continued coverage for my entire pregnancy.
       How do i explain all these confused and mixed emotions to Master? How do i explain that i feel cheated because we had a deal and now He is going back on it, but that im torn inside because i know it is my duty as a good submissive to accept His authority and final decision on this issue. Its just hard because i cant help but feel that it is a good thing to get this puppy and put trying for another baby on the backburner for the time being and i know the price on this puppy is a very good deal from all the other prices i have been seeing. The owners are only wanting $150 and from what i have seen, german shepherd pure bred puppies are running from $250 and up.
     After getting all this out, i feel like i really need a crash course on submission and that things are starting to well up again inside of me and im struggling with them again. It is time for me to get back to writing on here every night so as to get out the various emotions because it seems to be coming out against Master and i hate that thought(which is another reason i think a puppy would be good for us because just like our daughter it would help brighten both our moods and i think our dog would have fun with the puppy and needs a playmate). My pride is hurting right now as i type this, but i feel that i have to suck it up and deal with it if Master makes the final decision that we aren't getting another puppy. He is the Master and Dominant in this relationship and no matter what He will always have the final say after i plead my case and whether i like it or not that is what goes. Before we even started dating, i knew the type of relationship i was getting into and i think as i wrote this i had to remind myself that He is the ultimate decision make in ALL things no matter how upset or angry i get.
      So im sorry Master for getting upset and feeling angry and hurt and frustrated about the whole dog situation. In my head, it seemed like a big deal to me at the time, but now i realize i shouldn't have made such a huge issue out of it. You are my Master and i trust that You will always make the right decision for us. Please forgive me for the way i acted and i promise that i will understand whatever decision You decide about the puppy. It may not be easy for me to accept if You tell me that we are either waiting or not getting another one, but i must do it not only because i am Your submissive but because i know You have our best interests at heart. Just please consider everything before making the final veto and know i will do everything i can to help you take care of this new puppy if you decide to let us get it. (Heres a pic of what the puppy would look like a little bigger---not the dog i am looking to get but another one that looks like it)

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