This post is a little hard to write, but I feel this is the best way to get these overwhelming thoughts out of my head and maybe get to where I can feel comfortable with whatever happens.
First things first, this month has seen several changes and one of them is that I have started working out and focusing on getting healthier for myself. This has become a major priority to me and I want to make sure that I am able to go workout every day that I can as well as push myself to become healthier. I have always had excuses before of why I couldn't do something and that I just couldnt do it at that point in time. Well, this time things are different. I have found an amazing gym that even has the ability to watch my kids while I do workouts. They also offer just 30 minute classes. I have literally told myself that there are no excuses for me to not go because of them doing this: it's a short time and no worries about childcare during the workout time period. It has only been a week, but I have already seen such a massive improvement with myself and my self-confidence, strength, motivation, and toning of my body. I love it and I want to keep working towards that goal of getting healthier.
That leads in to where I am having a major dilemma. Each time I feel like I come up to a decision, there is something else that comes along that sets me going back and forth between my options again. I was granted the ability to return back to nursing school at the same level I was when I withdrew from my classes. On the flip side of that, I have also applied to another local university and am waiting to hear an admissions decision. This leaves me in a dilemma and it is not one that I can go with the "let the chips fall where they may" outlook. I have to make a decision because financing of this decision is a big factor.
Returning to nursing school is a big deal and I love that I was accepted back. However, there is part of me that is hesitant because the same teacher that nearly failed me and was not organized at all is teaching again. This already has me leery. Then to top that off, the stipulations are if I withdraw or fail a class then I am completely done with nursing school at this school. I don't like this because what happens if a personal conflict or something comes up and I have to withdraw due to that. Basically I become screwed and am no longer able to attend nursing school. That's just as bad as failing a class in my opinion. Then add in that I have to check off on skills that we were only introduced to and said we were checked off on (teacher explained how to do it and did group demonstration so that we could do it in clinical) as well as do a health assessment again. This has me slightly worried because any margin of error and I will not be allowed back into nursing school. Yes, I was allowed to come back but the return is contingent upon doing these things. It is this contingencies that leave me slightly worried and nervous. Part of me also wants to say screw it to the particular professor that told me that they felt I wouldnt be a good nurse and were concerned about my skills and could not agree with me caring for anybody let alone a NICU infant (despite getting amazing/glowing reviews in semester preceding this one).
Then the school change comes into play. Changing to this other university I would be completely starting over nursing school. Honestly, I am perfectly okay with that as I feel that I get another chance to learn the skills (possibly some that weren't even taught at my current school) as well as refresh my clinical experience and working with variety of patients. The flip side is that I have to take classes either during the summer and the HESI exam to be able to apply for the nursing program to start in the spring. If I can't do this, then the dates would be pushed to the following Fall. This is better than the other school because the other school only has a program start date of once a year, in the summer. This multiple start date would allow me to continue to apply to start the very next semester if I don't make it the first time. There is another downside and that is that this school I would have to drive anywhere from 15 minutes (if get classes on campus close by) or 30-45minutes away (if take on one of main classes). This takes time away from my family, time away from being able to workout (HUGE priority to me right now outside of family time). The one thing that has me nervous is that I have not heard anything back about if I have been admitted or not, but I also just found that they were on spring break this week (cue Master laughing and saying that i have no patience). Just nervous not knowing whether or not I was accepted to start classes this summer.
Then add in another factor that comes into play. Paying for school. There is the possibility of a program paying for school but that requires me to have a set degree plan in place and I am unable to deviate from that. This has me worried because that leaves no backup option if I don't get into nursing school the first time. Then I feel I should go for a biology degree and have them pay for that then I have a degree to fall back on no matter what happens with nursing school and if I don't get in the first time. If the program doesn't pay for school than Master and i are left to cover the costs ourselves and for that, the other school is the better option. We would be paying for a full 2 years of nursing school for what we would pay for a semester of nursing school at the school I withdrew from. That is something that I definitely don't take lightly because right now Master is the main person working (not for lack of trying on my end) and I don't want to make things where we are struggling because of having to pay tuition.
These decisions are not an easy one to make and I want to make the right one. However, it seems like they are so evenly matched that I really don't know what the right one is. I know that I have to make a decision, but my head keeps spinning everytime I look at this. And the even harder part is that I am the one that will be learning the material so it is up to me to make this decision, and solely me. I also feel like I am letting Master down whatever decision I choose. If I choose the other school, then I am choosing to take time away from my family even more as well as the time that I would for working out. But if I choose the school closest to us that I withdrew from, then I am choosing to sacrifice my mental health again and quite possibly push our relationship again (definitely unintentionally) because of the major stress that this school would put on me. It is already stressful enough, but I know that I would feel added pressure to succeed because if I fail out then I am completely done with no second chances.
I just feel like I'm barely treading water with this decision and don't know which way to go or which way to choose. Master is highly supportive and has told me everytime that He will support me no matter what decision I make. However, I want to make the right one for myself and my family and that just doesnt seem clear to me at the moment. This decision isn't an easy one to make and I truly feel lost as to what direction to go. Each one has a huge drawback as well as huge good things.How do you make a decision that could impact your family one way or another? Do I go back where I know the stress levels are 10x what they should be for nursing school? Do I hope and pray that I got into the school I applied to and not worry about going back to the old school? My mind is reeling so much over this that I feel any minute I am liable to bust out into tears because it is so hard for me to choose and I want to make sure that I do something that I love, which could be either a Biology or Nursing degree. There is more to feel/write, but I cant even put the rest of it to words yet...maybe an update later with the rest of the thoughts rolling thru my head.
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