Thoughts flowing around my head

     Lately, there has been a lot of thoughts that have been going around my head, and it is becoming harder to put my thoughts together, especially because they seem to be conflicting with each other. So i guess for me the best way to figure things out is to lay them out in writing and maybe that will help them gain some type of order.

    This blog has kind of fallen to the side because my communication with Master has become drastically better since He and i first got together. Part of me feels badly because i do not write in it as much, but i also enjoying having all those writings to look back on at how i was feeling in the very beginning of Our relationship together and to remind me just how much i love my Master (not that those feelings will ever change). He and i have always been amazing together and despite our few disagreements (mostly from me being stubborn and hard-headed) we have come out stronger. It is this strength that i am drawing on as i move forward with the relationship, school, kids, and life in general. He has shown me that we can take on anything with stride.

     So the first part of thoughts rolling around in my head has to do with the way things have been lately between Master and myself. i have apologized to Him recently for how things have been since i started nursing school. i honestly did not realize between that and some medication side effects that i had put our physical relationship on the wayside.For the two of U/us this is one of the ways that we truly connect and reconfirm the Master/slave relationship. It puts me back into my place as a subtle reminder of who is in charge while also allows Him to assert His dominance. i am on a break from school and i have realized just how horribly and how long He had to deal with the two of us not physically connecting. It hurts me to think that i did that without meaning to and that in the future i hope to find a way to get around this and be able to focus on that side of our relationship just as much as i am now during my break from school. i can only hope that He knows just how sorry i am about that whole time period.

    The next part rolling around in my mind has to do with the job/school dilemma. Until recently i honestly didnt think it was much of a dilemma to face, but my brain now says otherwise. A few weeks ago i made the decision to step back from nursing school because i was in danger of "failing" two classes. Now i say "failing" because by grading standards i was not failing, but by nursing school standards i was. For them anything less than a 74 is considered failing.  Well i was initially very okay with my decision to take a break and Master was very supportive of it as well. He let me know that no matter what decision i chose that He would be there to support me. Now that i am a few weeks removed from the situation and am looking at it from an outsiders perspective, i am wondering if i should go back. There are many things that have me thinking this and one of the big ones is since i left i talked with a classmate and it was made clear that the Dean of the program could care less about the fact that people had childcare issues due to a professor not relaying clinical times/information in a timely manner and that there was not anything being done about the drastic issues with the class as well. That to me has me frustrated because you claim we have to be flexible as students, but that can only be done to a point when childcare is involved. Most people, myself included, are not able to call up a sitter in the morning and say "oh by the way i need you to be here in 30 minutes". It just doesnt work like that. Then there is the added cost of going to this school, but the issues we have had with the program don't seem to make it worth it.

     The second part of the school dilemma is that i am trying to get a job because of the time frame that i am having to wait to restart classes with my program. Initially i was planning on getting a job as in the hospital that would allow me to use the courses that i have already completed and keep my skills up to date. However, i have yet to get a callback from the hospital about the positions that i have applied for. Master has mentioned a possible second job that He feels i would do really well in and this is where the dilemma increases. i know that He did not mean to cause this dilemma on purpose but this idea has led to thoughts of whether i should go back. This job is completely different from nursing, but it is also something that i could see myself doing for the rest of my life and being happy with. In searching for this type of job, i feel it isnt fair to get the job and then have to leave within a year for a nursing job. It isn't fair to the company, but at this point i would like to get a job to help the family out and i have the skill sets to do this other job. So this had led me to feel that if i was given the opportunity to get the job that Master thinks i would be good at that i would step away from my nursing degree for now and maybe the future. Part of me feels that i am coming to the point in my life that i need to be realistic and settle on a career. It is not good for me to keep jumping from one track to another when things get harder or just in general. This is why i am leaning more towards looking the path of the job that Master suggested.

      The above thought also leads to me feeling this would be a better decision for my body. Right now we are talking about having another little one and clincials are hard on the body as it is, let alone if i were to have to do them towards the end of pregnancy (depending on when we get pregnant in the near future). There is also the fact that i am high risk and if we dont get pregnant before i was to return to school, i would be in a hospital and on my feet for 12 hour shifts with little time to sit down or pee or even eat. During my clinical time period i noticed that not many of the nurses had time to eat and were often scarfing down a cracker here or there and mostly drinking water or some sort of caffeine to keep them going. While i could do this in theory, i wonder if it is possible for me to do longterm with already having a bad back. My back was hurting during clinicals, but it was something i felt that i could push through. Now i am wondering if physically i would be able to do what the job demands if i did not get my inital choice of working in the NICU. Part of me just feels that i really need to be realistic in the decision that i make. The other part of me also feels that i would be better suited for the jobs that Master suggested because i have noticed that my studying/ability to retain nursing school information isnt what it used to be. i have noticed that i am finding it harder to retain ALL the information that is required to know throughout the school in the amount of time required. Now i can use this break to study and focus on my weak spots, but i cant help but wonder if it will be enough in the long run for me to pass boards and the NCLEX. It's wondering if this is just self-doubt or if i am really being truthful since starting school about my capabilities. i was able to get my EMT but that was not as much knowledge as what is required to know for nursing. SOOOO MUCH INFORMATION......This picture of the books needed doesnt do justice to the pile of papers and notes that are added to all this as well and i am expected to retain all of this. i want to be a nurse but i am feeling drawn in another direction if i am being realistic with myself.

    Then the next thought process jumps to if i make this jump, will i be letting Master down? There is Him and one other person that i truly care about letting down because they have both been there for me. Master because i dont want to disappoint Him because He has truly been there for me since day 1 and has been my strongest advocate and supporter. i dont want to let Him down in choosing to stop my schooling even though i know He feels i would make a great nurse. Then the other person i care about letting down is my father. He has been there for me since i got into touch with him and i dont want to disappoint him by not finishing school and choosing a different career path. However, i feel that if i do this career that i can be happy in it and do it for the rest of my life. It is just a hard decision to make because these are the two people that i would hate to disappoint, although Master is the most important person because my father tells me that i always have to do what is best for myself and my family. Reasoning that out like that makes me realize that yes i dont want to disappoint my father, but the ultimate person that i dont want to disappoint or let down is my Master because He truly is my world and has ALWAYS been there for me.

     With that being said, i am truly wondering what is the right decision for me. i have always felt led to be a nurse and felt that was God's calling for me, but now i wonder if i am being called to work a different job. Either one i can be truly happy at. It's a matter of which one is the better choice for myself and my family....hopefully with some time i will know what God is calling me too, but i am blessed to have this blog to be able to put my feelings out so that hopefully Master can help His lil one make some sense of it all too.

      Hopefully all of that made sense and it is everything that has been running around in my head. Now to talk to Master and see what He thinks of my idea of taking the job He thinks would be good and putting the nursing school on hold either temporary or permanently (depending on things).