Sunday, April 4, 2010

I'm His!!!

 My first time in a lifestyle relationship!! Oh my! There's just so many thoughts running through my head. I feel like I've turned into a gushing school girl. I feel so happy and sad at the same time. More the sadness is because we are a bit far apart and I only get to talk to him through text and skype but still its way different. I find myself having so many thoughts from wondering if he'll like me just as well in person to I'm really pleasing him so far?
       I admit that I have never been so happy with anyone as I am now. I find myself falling for him more and more everyday. I admit I'm afraid to say it out loud but I think I'm falling in love with him more and more everyday. It's just he's sweet and is only interested in me. It shows by him not caring what I'm wearing, whether it be a skirt and shirt or a pair of running shorts and tshirt. I have always wondered what it would be like to have a guy who truly doesnt care what you're wearing and thinks you're beautiful either way. It makes me tear up a little bit thinking about it. I'm in utter shock that I have found someone who is both into the lifestyle and what I look for in a guy in the vanilla world as well.
       Yesterday I changed my Fetlife profile to I was under consideration because when me and him had spoken he had mentioned it. I admit that it took all I had to ask him where we stood relationship wise. I was curious about it, but didnt want to take a chance at rejection or at losing what I felt we had. However after him admitting that he was falling for me too, I realized I should take a risk and see how he felt about this. I couldnt believe it when he mentioned me being under his consideration. Well, I changed my profile and suggested he go look at it. I was then told to check mine and there was an update on my page to where he had put dominant of my screenname. I cant describe the joy that went through me and sheer ecstasy that surged through my body about that time when I saw those words written down.
           I cant describe how many times at work I found myself checking my phone for a textback from him or to see if I had a chat message from him. The feelings grew after we were talking about nicknames. He asked me what my nickname should be and I'm horrible at coming up with nicknames so I told him he could come up with it. He sent me a text back shortly with two choices "little one" or "little girl". In all honesty little girl didnt sound right to me, but seeing the words "little one", I knew that was me. I knew I was HIS little one and nobody elses. It was exhilirating and breath taking and just amazing changing all these status to no longer looking. I found myself no longer needing to find that person in the lifestyle who would fit into what I thought was ideal.

       My image of the perfect guy for me including a mix of the lifestyle and vanilla world was so complex that I myself had no clue every little thing that I wanted. But i find the more I talk with him and the more I get to know about him, that he is everything I wanted and more. I always wanted a vanilla guy who would make me laugh, care for me, not care about me wearing sweats or having makeup on, and just a southern gentleman. I got all this and more, but of course I know he has flaws in some things, which I have yet to see. I know theyre there but in all honesty I dont care. His good traits far outweigh the bad. I have to say that in the lifestyle area, in the beginning I thought I was looking for just total control and that was it. However, the more I read about the lifestyle and the more I learned, the more it became clear that I wanted someone to be more of a Daddy/daughter mixed with the 1950s household style with maybe a sprinkling of the 24/7. It's amazing because he is into that. Everyone of my interests on Fetlife he liked and had no problem with. I am a little nervous but I know this is who I am and I'm anxious to start getting into the lifestyle with him.
         I find myself thinking more and more about what things will be like with the two of us together and it is starting to become a craving of mine.. I long to see him and actual meet him for the first time and to hear in person "Hello little one" or "You did good little one". Text messages can convey a good bit of the feelings behind that or on Skype but its not the same as in person. I know that I may get sassy or have an attitude every now and then, but I have a feeling he will quickly put me back in line. It was so good and felt amazing when talking with my friends to tell them I am happy. I mentioned to a good friend that I had talked to about prior relationship troubles that there was a guy in my life and in essence said the words "I'm His and He's mine". To me it didnt really hit me what I said until later, but I know that I'm His and only His. I just feel myself falling for him more and more and have the same sentiments as a favorite song as of late "I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go, stop breathing if I dont see you anymore". I know its a bit extreme but I like the message behind it. I find myself missing him and hating when I dont get to talk to him for long hours. With things being like this now, what's it going to be like when we meet for the first time and I truly become His?
   I guess and my hope is that my emotions aren't getting the best of me, but I'm afraid to mention that i think I am falling in love with him. I just really for sure cant let him go. He's so perfect to me, even though he claims he's not. I dont think in all honesty I could see things in the future without him. He had a chance to run at least two to three times so far with everything I have shared and he hasnt run. To me, I love that and it shows he's willing to stick by me even after everything that has gone on. I havent told a lot of people about my sexual assault on campus and to him he understood and could pick it up that I was cautious in nature. In all honesty he is the first Dom that I have run into that doesnt demand instant submission or push me when I seem still cautious and unsure. Now not saying that he doesnt push, but its more an "I believe in you" type push then "Do it because I say so". I have forever felt that a guy would think it was my fault for what happened and he didnt say anything of that sort. My other fear was when a guy I liked and was falling for would have issues with my dad and the changes going on with him. He however suprised me by embracing it and admitting that he wasnt going to run from that. He showed me that he cares about me and not my family(although they do play a big part). The other chance was when I had major issues with my family and was at a point of giving up and throwing in the towel(and no not suicide). I didnt know what to do and with only knowing me for a couple days, he immediately offered help with no strings attached. It was a truly "I care about and want to make sure you're okay" type help. This is just something that I'm not used to, is someone caring about me and helping me out with no strings attached or lectures later.
      I guess my whole mind is reeling still from the fact that I have found someone into the lifestyle and who is a big country guy. I have always wanted someone who is similar in vanilla type characteristics and my type. He matches it and is just amazing. I still cant believe that i have been so lucky as to catch him and become His little one all in such a short span of time. I'm not complaining about it because I love it. I find myself hating my situation that I'm in and longing to be near him, but at the same time I can wait til we both meet for the first time if that makes sense. I miss him when he leaves the chat room and he has been in my dreams all along since we've met. Oddly enough its as if he "had me from hello". I'm curious to see what the future holds and all that I learn with him, because I know with him I will be a stronger person in character and personality because he will help me better myself and those around me.

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