Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Crazy Hectic Life

   Today has been filled amazing and just emotion filled yet again. Most of the time it was amazzing and just filled with a ton of happy things. I wouldnt redo this day over again for any amount of money in the world.
       I woke up this morning to another good morning text message. I dont know how he does it on such little sleep. We went to sleep at the same time and he had less sleep the night before compared to me. I went to sleep and didnt wake up til about eleven thirty today. It felt so good to sleep in. I woke up to a wonderful text message though. I love waking up to them because I have a feeling that he loves getting them when he wakes up in the morning. I talked with him off and on all day. I love it when I get to do that.
      I didnt get to see him the other night so I got to talk to him yesterday when I got home and talking to him all day today made my day. It's almost as if I get withdrawals when I dont talk to him. I was so impressed with him. I found out today that he will always be there for me no matter what. He doesnt know just how much he makes me want to cry happy tears when I see him say that. He even told me that he wants to take care of me because he likes to treat his girl like his princess but he's still the head of the household. I love that idea about him because I like the idea of being treated like a princess, and it appears that way to others, while he still has control of the household. It just seems natural to me for the guy to have the control of the hosuehold and all. I guess that's why I'm submissive in personallity.
       We got to talking because I told him he didnt have to buy a dress for me. I just have always had to take care of myself since I was about 10 or 11. My family made me start dinner and take care of myself and my homework and then I had to follow my bedtime schedule and all. It sucked and I hated it, even after this continued into my teenage years. I have gotten so used to having to take care of myself that I'm shocked and typically fight when someone else offers to pay for me or do something for me. I'm not used to it and it just shocks me. I told him that and told him that I had to convince myself everyday that he is real and isnt going anywhere and has no problem taking care of his little one. It felt good today to see that he told me that he would not go anywhere and hasnt noticed anyone else because he's so attracted to me. I just cant believe it. I'm glad that he's understanding of my situation and it's just going to take some time for me to get used to him taking care of me in little ways.
       Well anyways after I finished talking with him, i headed to work to do my little two hour shift of driving and delivering pizzas. I started the shift and was joking around with him, when I went a little bit too far. We were talking about how his song is always on the radio at which he said that it could mean its a good song or the radio must really like him. I sent a response with a little bit of sarcasm attached to it but it was mostly true. However there was still some implied sarcasm. I am very bad at being sarcastic and the more I realize it, I think it is kind of my wall or protective barrier. I dont know what it protects me from, but I think it may be my wall. However despite this, I think that my wall has been down with him, but I cant think of why I keep having sarcastic comments towards him. I hate it because it gets me in trouble with him and I hate being in trouble with him. I just hate it so badly.
       Well after talking with him, he reassured me yet again that I would always be his little one even if I was in trouble that i just have to be taught. I understand that he must teach me and it is comforting everytime to see that I'm still his little one. Lately my fear is that I'll get in trouble so much that he'll just get mad and say okay thats enough and leave. I think though that with everything he has said so far, my hope is that he wont leave me. I was told that he had to come up with a punishment strict enough because i had gotten into trouble two days in a row. I wish and thought that what he had done would have worked and sunk in with me, but I guess it didnt.
        I was told to come up with my own punishment and work out a way on how to be better about not being sarcastic. Well the only ideas that came revolving up were a mixture of things. I hope that what I came up with is fine. I think that I should lose my facebook for a time between one and two weeks, have spankings added to my tally (between 15 to 20 or a few more depending on how he feels), and hold a coin against a wall for a set amount of time with either my nose or my tongue (think my tongue would be most effective because its what I use to create my sarcastic comments). I just hope that those work and he is okay with those. Those are the only ideas I could really think of.
       The other part of my punishment was to talk about how I would work at being better and not so sarcastic. I think part of that was realizing that my sarcastic nature is usually a guard that I have up against friends and others. It's usually because my parents are very sarcastic and I have had to work to defend myself against them and the people I cared about the most were extremely sarcastic with me. I have to learn that he isnt going to hurt me or do anything to cause me harm. I have realized that, esepcially after tonight, and realized that I need to start focusing more on what I say and if it would be okay. i normally just write something and fire it off, not really thinking before I write it or send it. I think that I really should work on thinking before I speak or act because it is what gets me into trouble. I am one person who acts on impulse and I think that by working on this I can help myself stop being sarcastic as well as improve me personally. I guess most of it is though that I really need to let it set in, and I think after this lesson it will, that he is not going to harm me and that he is here for me no matter what. He has no hidden agenda or anything. It's a new concept to get used to for me, but I think after tonight I have really realized that I need to do this for myself and ultimately for him too.
         Well today has been such a long day but I'm happy. I picked up a work shift at the dorm desk on friday from 6 to 8am. I also work that night but I'm just excited that things are starting to look up. I also realized tonight that i'm slowly starting to pay off my bills. I paid my cell phone bill, paid 20 of my 40 insurance, set aside 40 of my 88 car tags, and just have my rent and apartment fees left for this month. I cant believe that my bills are finally decreasing. Next month i'll have a little bit to pay, but I also have to remember that on the 30th I have to have 12 for my doctor's copay. It's amazing that I'm finally getting things paid off though. I feel proud of myself that I only have a couple more things to pay and that with me not eating out I can save a good bit of money by spending only money on gas. I cant wait to see what tomorrow has in store for me.

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