Monday, April 12, 2010

Scary News and Who's Around to Comfort Me?

   Man I cant believe how amazing today has been. It was what felt like a long day, but in reality it really wasnt. I am so glad that it went by fast because normally on mornings that I start doorhanging, it doesnt go by fast but today was a different story.
   I started out the day heading to work. I couldnt believe how tired I was. I remember that I told myself and him that I wasnt going to be stubborn last night when he told me it was time to go to sleep. I just told him goodnight and went through the night, sweet dreams and :* routine. It was amazing, but I passed out right after getting off with him at about 12:30ish. I remember waking up at about 7am this morning and it was bad because I remember moving to the side and my whole body responding with aches. I dont mind the aches and pains of working out and all, but it kind of felt good. I just didnt expect to be sore this much from playing softball but apparently my three games of softball had really worn on me.
          But anyways....back to the day. The morning started out with work which passed by a lot faster then I thought it would. We went and doorhung in an apartment neighborhood. It was so much fun, but I hated it in the summer heat. It went by fast because one of the assistant managers went with us today. I couldnt believe how much of a jerk he could be even when doorhanging. Like we were going to start on the second section in the back and work our way up towards the front. Well he got impatient and demanded be let out at the front so he could do them. So, we listened to him and let him out while we headed to the back and did those buildings. Oddly enough in the time that we did the back six buildings and were starting on the middle two, he was still on his buildings. We were pulling up to the middle of the buildings to start on the rest of the middle and work our way to meet up with him when we saw him come down a hill, completely lose his footing and wipe out onto his ass. We both looked at each other like "did we seriously just see that?" and busted out laughing. It was so funny and there was just no way he could have tripped and fallen like he did because he had tennis shoes on and the grass wasnt wet or anything. He just tripped over his own feet, but it was still hilarious. After we finished door hanging, which took us a little under an hour, we headed back to the store. It was so much fun. I got a piece of wedding cake. T had brought in the leftover cake from his daughter's wedding. I think it was just vanilla cake with white icing on it. It tasted so good though, but was the start of my sugar rush. Well I got off early so I headed home. I kept trying to get a hold of my mother though, because I needed to let her know the update on the whole doctor's situation. I was just glad to work a little bit today.
               I headed home and got to talk with my friend. We decided to meet up and hang out before she had to go to work. I wanted to go swimming because I knew our pool would be cold and it would help ease my back and at the same time I wanted to tan some more. While waiting for her, I took a nap and relaxed. It felt so amazing and I didnt really realize that I really was still tired from the days before. I took about a twenty minute nap but to me it felt like ages. It was amazing. But I found myself dreaming about how things would go and what my punishment would be that he was going to give me. I found myself wondering this the whole time I was out tanning. I love tanning because it's nice and relaxing and I get to add some color to body as well. It's awesome to just lay in the sun.
         Afer tanning, my friend left to go to work and I hung out. I admit that the pool helped ease my back a little bit, but not really enough to help it. I laid down and just enjoyed it. It was good to just lay down and watch tv and relax. I talked with a friend and we agreed to meet for dinner because I was hungry. It was awesome to meet with a friend, but after tonight I know for sure that I wont be going out to eat anymore at all, even if it is for lunch in between work shifts. We met at a pizza place in town and talked about various things. He's a good guy and I'm glad he's my friend. He didnt eat but he hung out with me to eat.
           Man I am so happy though because I was nervous and somewhat scared that I was having problems with my health. I started my placebo pills earlier this week and was thinking that I would have my normal time of the month. Well with the abnormal test results that came up from my pap smear, I was thinking maybe this was another health factor. I realized today and found out today thankfully that I had started my period later today. It makes me realize why I was craving a hot fudge brownie the other day with ice cream. I didnt get it but I now know why I've been craving a lot of what I have and crazy moods past couple days. I'm just glad that it's not something bad right now and that it's all good. I hate how it makes me moody and changes my mood a lot while I'm having my time, but I usually apologize to those that I may have a mood swing towards.
          After tonight I am quite happy and wish that I could talk to him, but I understand that his job comes first. I guess it's taking some getting used to, but I guess it's training for when I leave for basic and can only talk to him once a week at best. It's weird that I miss talking to him or seeing his face before I go to sleep. I admit that I love talking with him and have gotten so used to it, but I dont blame him or am upset with him for not being able to talk to him every few nights because he's out working. I actually am glad that he does the job he does, partially because if anything happens to me I know he can take care of me for a good part(although i hope that never happens) and because he's saving other people's lives. It's an amazing profession and takes an amazing person to do that job and deal with patients everyday that may live or die from the time you see them and get to them and the hospital. But I'm proud of him for doing that as his job and all. I dont know if I've told him that but I am. I know he's proud of me for things I do, but I know for sure I'm proud of him because of his job and what he does. He's a truly amazing guy.
            I found myself thinking tonight and wondering what the punishment is going to be and when it will happen. I'm kind of guessing that it will happen sometime tomorrow night when I get off work, but I'm not too sure. I just wish I knew what it was, but it's killing me I have no idea what it is or when it's going to happen. He even knows it too. But oh well.....I like how we were talking today. We were talking about him getting stricter. I think I really am curious and anxious to see what he's like when he gets stricter, but I love how he isnt going to push me too far, only as much as I can handle. I kind of am wondering if he could get a little bit stricter, but I also like how things are slowly progressing. I guess it's just I like the structure and all, but I also like the way things are. Either way I'm happy..I know either way we will get to the point where he is strict, but I'm extremely curious on what all would be different with the more strict he gets. Only one way to find out I guess, but I guess I'm a little bit nervous about asking if he could be a little more strict. I'm still trying to figure out what I like, but I also know that he knows me and I trust that he will do things at his pace, while also not pushing me too far. I guess it's a one day at a time thing.
         I have to admit though that I'm glad he's here for me after today. I found out that my mom isn't going with me to my doctor's appointment with the GYN to get checked out. This is one of the most important doctor's visits I've ever had and she choses now to leave to go see my grandmother. I can understand them wanting to go see her, but she knew I was calling the doctor's office today and that I was going to have an appointment here shortly. I just should have expected it after the big Easter fiasco, but I figured she would at least make some kind of plans to change the date to make sure she could come with me. I mean she knew how scared I was about this doctor's visit when I called her and she chooses to go out of town. I have just realized that I'm fed up and done trying to do things to please them. I'm going to just go on with my life and do things my way. I hate to say it but the only time I'm going to contact them is when i get ready to pay them. If they want to be a part of my life from now on, it's their job to put a step forward because I'm through throwing myself out there and getting nothing but hurt when they disappoint me or upset me. I just cant take anymore from them. Besides that, I have amazing support from my sister and my new guy. They are both amazing and are helping me to push myself and do things for myself. I dont think I could do half the things I do without them. But then again...I'm hopeful about tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day.

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