Saturday, April 24, 2010

So much to little time

 Wow, last night was...umm...there's no words to describe it. I had so many emotions that went through my head last night it was crazy. I must admit that I learned a lesson the hard way.
       Last night me and him talked about an issue that had popped up. I had made a stupid mistake and regretted it. However, after the talk I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Much like he told me to do, I'm going to look at it like a lesson learned. I realized though just how lucky I was to have him in my life. It's funny how almost losing something makes you appreciate it that much more. I did also realize that I needed to stop worrying about trying to fight my battles on my own. It doesnt matter that I have had to fight for everything I have in my life in the past, because my present and hopefully the future are filled with him in it helping me to fight my battles. It has taken me so long to get used to him being there for me, that it almost cost me everything with him.
      I have had some changes made to how things are being done, but I understand the reason why. I broke his trust and need to earn it back. So for now,I only focus on him when he's talking to me on the computer and I have to ask permission to talk with anyone other then my family. It's different, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to earn his trust back. I just hate that I lost it.
      I remember feeling so upset last night and this morning because he was upset with me. It killed me that I had made him upset. I think that is the most I have ever cried and he saw it all. I do have to say though I'm going to stick with what he said with it though and chalk it up to a lesson learned. I will NEVER put myself in the situation I did before becuase I know now that I have him fighting in my corner and that no matter what he will always be there for me, he's not running away. I know it's taken me some time to realize it, but I know that if anything happens I'm going straight to him.
      Today was an uneventful day though. I slept a good bit of the day, waking up partially in the early morning hours to the storm rolling through. The sound of the thunder rolling over my head scared me slightly when I was half awake. I couldnt believe that it scared me, but I nudged it off and rolled over, falling back asleep in no time. I woke up later in the day after resting, with a text message good morning and asking if I was awake right after I woke up.
       I relaxed and texted him back and forth and checked my facebook. It seemed the bad weather had hit everywhere today. After a few text messages back and forth, I was given the task of writing about what I thought being submissive meant and how I could work to be more submissive in everyday life. I started writing on it, not wanting to upset him anymore. It took me about an hour and a half to two hours to write it. I cant believe how many thoughts were running through my head on this issue. I just couldnt figure out what to put where. I started giving a brief overview that lead to why I think a submissive is what I think it is. I only hope that he likes it. I tried my best because that is what he asks me to do everyday.
        After finishing that, I cleaned up my room a little bit more. My plans to do a trash run were changed today with the major bad weather that hung over. So i just relaxed, hanging out in my room and enjoying my day off. The only sad thing is I know that the bad weather was going on where he was at for part of the time too. I dont normally worry, but when weather starts getting bad enough that it can spawn tornados, I worry about him being out in it. I know that his job may not seem dangerous, but when he's out there during bad weather working to save others lives, I view that as heroic in my book.
      I also started my checklist of various things that I need to bring to basic. The bad thing is i have to buy quite a few things. I think that I'm going to see if I can get out of my lease in June which will save me about $330 on rent for that month. That money can be used to help pay bills. The only thing is that I have to talk to a few friends to find a place to stay in the area because I will be working at the desk on campus over the summer too. It shocks me how much I have to get done before I leave. I know that it will be especially hard for me to say goodbye to him too. I know he'll be there for me though. I cant wait to figure out some good bases to put on my wishlist. That should be fun to do and I'm excited to figure out places to live
     I hope that tomorrow is better. After getting through today, there is always hope that tomorrow will be better. I'm thinking its best to just take one step and put it in front of the other. I am positive that things will be fine no matter what after all that I learned.

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