Saturday, April 24, 2010

A Thought Provoking Topic For Sure

   A thought provoking topic for me is the one I've been faced to write about. I have come to realize that I am a submissive person in both personality and actions. When younger, I never really noticed it until I stepped in to the dating scene and just in classes in general. I never really knew what it was until I stumbled on some information talking about the lifestyle when I was a sophomore in high school. To me, I thought this was a little weird and that it just wasnt normal. However, I never one tried altering my activites or my actions at all. I just cast my thoughts to the back of my mind and strived for normal relationships.
       I must admit that I struggled so much to maintain a normal relationship dynamic, but for me it just wasnt possible. I dated a couple guys here and there, but I was never happy. My high school relationships understandable didnt last long, but I graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. I started college with a fresh new outlook and continued to research into the lifestyle I had come across in high school. I finally had the time and availability to be able to research more into it. Not to mention i didnt have to worry about snooping parents getting on and catching what I was looking up. That, in my eyes, was a conversation I just didnt want to have with them (and still dont in all honesty).
        My research lead me more and more into the lifestyle as I searched into the world of BDSM to find out what various things mean. I kept coming across two words used to describe people who felt that they gave up control of the situation to people called Masters/Doms---slave and submissive. I honestly felt confused because I had no idea what the two were when I first looked into things. I didnt see myself as a slave because that word to me made me think about the old days being locked up and so much control. I just knew that they meant someone who willingly gave up their control of the situation. These people seemed to thrive in this though and I admit it puzzled me. I find myself liking the idea more and more of having someone else have the control. Now that I look back on that, I think most of it is because I've had to fight so hard my entire life for everything I have, that for someone to take control and fight the good fight for me is so much better to me.
       I found though that it involved so much more then just giving up control. I saw in almost every situation that there was also some connection behind it. The people who were seen as slaves or submissives seem to all have the same thing going on. They all thrived in making the person over them happy. To them it made them so happy and they glowed or had amazingly happy thoughts when their Master/Dom was pleased with them and proud of them. I think this is where it finally kicked in on my mind that was one dynamic that I liked. I liked the idea that i was a submissive in personality and actions. I realized I was always the one trying to please everyone and it made my day when they were happy. I slowly came to the realization that I just wasnt happy in my normal relationships. I wanted something more because to me they all just seemed too platonic.
        Well as I looked into it more and more I found that i was truly submissive. To me I found that my definition of a submissive was similar to the one that other people were defining it as. Others felt that being submissive was someone who voluntarily yielded control over to someone else but they also still get to have their own opinions and say so on things. This was way different then what I saw for someone who was a slave. I definitely knew I wasnt a complete slave because I had my own opinions and wasnt going to become someone who was mindless and just did what i was told to. I understand that some people like that, but to me that wasnt who I am. Well, after seeing that a submissive only had moments during the day where the dynamic applied, I realized that I was a mixture between the two. I couldnt see myself giving up total control and losing m thoughts and all, but i also wasnt satisfied with merely passing moments of submission either. I liked the idea of something being everyday, but also being able to keep my own thoughts and opinions. I didnt like the thought of becoming a mindless girl.
      To me, after all the research I had done, I found that my definition of being sumissive was someone who voluntarily gives up either partial or total control to a partner and is happy by pleasing whoever their partner is by various things they do in their everyday life. I feel that to me I like pleasing people and have always done that no matter who the relationship was with, parents or friends alike. To me it makes me proud and I thrive off knowing that my partner in the relationship is pleased and that I'm making them happy. It just makes my day to make others happy and know that they're proud of me.
      I guess the one goal I have now is to figure out how I can be submissive in everyday life. I feel that with my relationship, I shouldnt submit myself to just anyone. i think in order for me to work on being submissive everyday, especially to my boyfriend and dom, is to make sure that I do everything asking myself if it will make him happy. ultimately to me, everything i do is done for him and reflects on him as well. If I do something wrong, then it reflects on him in a bad way and I wouldnt want that at all. I know that being submissive in everyday life can be marked in different ways, from what I wear to various things I do.
       I know that to me, i will strive to do my best work at Papa John's by being the best delivery driver possible. I know that perfection isnt possible, but that as long as I do my best I know that he will be happy. That's all he asks of me is to do my best in anything I do. By working to be the best employee everyday and not complaining and just doing my job, shows that I am working to please him. Working without complaining shows I'm a hard worker and willing to put forth the effort to get things done no matter what troubles or hardships I'm dealing with.
       I also think that in the sports i play and the way I take care of my body show my submissiveness as well. Working hard to play my best, whatever sport it may be, reflects well on him that I'm willing to work hard to be the best in anything I do. On top of not letting others see my body or just taking care of it by making sure I work out and am not eating a ton of junk food that could harm myself. I realize that my body is no longer mine, but his to do with what he wishes and that I need to take care of it. By taking care of myself, I show that I have pride in myself, much like he has pride in me and who I am.
       The choice to not let others see my body is only reasonable partially because I am in a relationship, and to me that is cheating to let someone else see what isnt theirs to look at, and because it's not a good relfection on him. I know that I shouldnt let others have control over me, or appear to because nobody has any power over me, including my parents.
       By working hard to make sure that I take care of what belongs to him and work to be my best in everything I do, doing it for him instead of just myself, is a great way of being submissive in my everyday life. I know that everything i do may not be influenced as a reflection of him to others, but I know that to myself it is. I know I will strive everyday to make sure that he can be proud of everything I have done, whether it was simply taking care of my laundry and keeping my room clean to patiently dealing with an irrate customer with no complaints. I know that I cant be perfect with this everyday and will have some off days where it seems things go horribly wrong, but with him always there for me I can make it. I only hope that I can acheive my goal everyday to make him proud.                   

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