Monday, May 31, 2010

Tomorrow Is Only a Day Away

   This day couldnt have been any worse then what it was. I was happy and go lucky thinking that it was going to be a good day since it was my last day here. Well, this belief just went out the window after the start to my morning.
    I woke up and it was a good day. I had gotten plenty of rest and it seemed I was wide awake. Last night was yet another night of me not being able to sleep until about three this morning. It seems that it doesnt matter what I do or how early I try to get to sleep, but I cant get to sleep til about 3 or 4 in the morning. Even if I try laying down at around 11, I still cant sleep til 3 or 4 and that is with nothing on but the tv.
    I got up though after texting him to let him know I was okay becasue I had gotten a message he was worried about me because he hadnt heard from me, although I was still sleeping. I let him know I was still sleeping and that I was getting ready for the day. I got in the shower and was having an amazing morning, singing in the shower to the songs playing. It was another happy feeling as I started the day, but I hoped it stayed this way.
    After getting out of the shower, i got dressed and headed back into the room. I was on a mission and decided to get that taken care of. I got my bag out and started packing it to make sure that I had everything taken care of. I knew we were leaving early tomorrow morning so I wanted to go ahead and get it taken care of. I packed both my backpack and my bag with everything I would need, aside from essentials needed for the morning.
    I finished that and headed out into the house. I was wondering what my grandfather was up to, thinking he was sleeping, but I walked in and there were no dogs to greet me or anything. I looked around and saw the dogs outside. I thought maybe they were put out there, but they werent. After about twenty minutes of sitting and waiting, I also ate a snack/lunch for me, I decided to see where they were. I walked out onto the back porch and I found out that my grandpa was sitting outside with the dogs. I asked him what he was doing sit out there and his response was "why not". I didnt know whether this was sarcastic or not but he said that it was better then sleeping all day. I couldnt believe that he was saying this. I honestly wasnt sleeping all day. If i truly wanted to catch up on my sleep, I would have slept into the afternoon or evening, but I didnt. I got up after making sure I got some sleep that should be about what I'm supposed to get.
    After realizing this, I held my tongue a little bit. I couldnt believe that he would say something like that, but he did. He went on from there saying that i played all night and then slept all day. I took offense to this because the only reason I was up as late as I was, was because I couldnt sleep until then. When I told him that I wasnt able to get to sleep until about 230-3 every morning, he told me that I was acting like an idiot. He didnt use those exact terms, but it was pretty much what he was saying. He told me that I could get my body out of this schedule by staying up all day and then I could sleep at night. However, I knew this wouldnt work for me because it has been tried already. I tried that even when I was working and on a schedule then, but it wouldnt work. My body is too used to staying up late at night and sleeping into the morning. I can get up early in the morning and stay up all day and I still wont be sleepy until two or three in the morning. He told me that I didnt know what i was talking about and asked me if I expected him to believe that "load of shit" (as he put it).
    The conversation took another turn after this argument fizzled out a little bit. I was then asked why I came down here and when I told him to spend time with them he told me he didnt think so. I was told that my actions spoke louder then my words and I was saying one thing but my actions were saying another. He told me that i was so addicted to my phone that I am constantly on it everyday. I have to admit that yes I am on my phone everyday but I am usually texting him to let him know I am okay. I would have dropped my phone in a heartbeat (letting him know what I was doing) to spend time with them. However, the whole time he claimed that I was on my phone, he was always in his office looking up his war patches. I dont have a problem with him looking them up, but when the blame turns to me and how I dont want to spend time with them, well it makes me mad. He even told me that i was making him out to be an idiot by expecting him to believe that I didnt text when driving. I admit that I do occasionally but I'm not going to admit that to him. Most of the time if I do its at a light or on a straight stretch of road with no traffic around.
    After the phone conversation, he told me that he felt that I just wasted time and money coming down here. He even claimed that he had plans for the week but after the first day or two of me sleeping in, he said to hell with it. I couldnt believe this because it was apparent to me from the time I got here that he didnt really have anything planned other then going fishing. It was making me mad and upsetting me that he had things planned but didnt even tell me. If he had mentioned that he had plans for the day and all, then I would have gotten up. Going back to the sleep conversation for a second, I did tell him that if I had to get up I could get up. Anyways, it just pushed my buttons that he felt I was so lazy and was sleeping the day away, but if he had plans and I had known about them i would have gotten up every morning and been ready to go.
    I just hate how that whole conversation went. It made me mad and upset me mostly because he felt that I was a waste of time and money. I came down here to hang out with him and Grandma Barb which it seems lately the only person I have spent time with has been grandma because I have gone shopping with her and watched a movie with her. She is curious about things going on in my life, but he has showed no interest whatsoever. I am ready to just be able to relax again because my vacation here has brought nothing but pain and discomfort.
    I know it wasnt a mistake, especially hearing it from him that it wasnt a mistake that it was a two way street, but I also just feel that it hurt hearing from him all those things. I know my grandfather may be opinionated and stubborn but he just doesnt know about half the things today that help the world function. He is still stuck in his idea that the world should be like it was before cell phones were around and everything else, but he doesnt understand that this is how people keep in touch in todays world. They text and email because calling, unless you have a huge voice plan, takes minutes. Ugh, I guess I'm just frustrated and letting them get to me, but I know they shouldnt. I have been taking care of myself and my grandparents may think that I sleep all day or other things, but I know this isnt true. I am a good person and very motivated and driven and happy, but they cant see any of that through their opinions.
    The afternoon drug on with me watching tv and talking with him. I am glad that I had him to talk to because i honestly would have gone out of my mind crazy from watching tv constantly and run out of things to look up online to amuse myself. There's only so much you can look up online but today passed by pretty fast for the most part, thankfully.
    I spent the whole afternoon in my room watching tv and on my own. I couldnt believe it, but it was a boring day for me aside from talking with him. I hated that I was alone feeling here, well i wasnt alone but he wasnt here with me. I'm just glad the day went by super fast. After it passed dinner time, I decided to check and see what we were having. I couldnt believe it but I had heard my grandma come up and down the hall a couple times, but she didnt say anything to me. I dont know if she knew what was going on or had gone earlier that morning.
    I went into the kitchen after hearing her go in and came in to see my grandparents in the kitchen and computer room. My grandpa just gave me this look and went back to what he was doing. It was like a look of scorn or I am not sure what, but I could tell he wasnt happy with me but he was going to hold his tongue. I'm glad he did because I would have left right then and there if he had gone off because I wouldnt be able to handle it. Anyways..my grandfather informed me that I needed to make sure my bags were packed tonight. Already a step ahead of him, I let him know they were already packed and this is where he asked me about my dirty clothes. I had already planned on waiting til I got home to do laundry because I was doing his laundry with mine too. We had already decided that early on in the week. I didnt have a ton of dirty clothes anyways because I had packed some extra clothes. Well, when I said this he just looked at me like I was nuts. He was like you're taking home dirty clothes and when I told him yes I had to do laundry when I got back, he looked like i was crazy or something. I think he really is wanting to try and change my habits, but he doesnt know things I have going on or plans I have when I get home.
    After this discussion, I went in and talked with my grandma a little bit and asked her if she knew what we were doing for dinner. Come to find out she had been home all day and had remained in her room all day, but yet I am the one that gets yelled at for being on my phone or anything else. I just hate how judgemental they can be on various things. She went and asked my grandpa and he replied that there were a ton of leftovers in the fridge. This meant I was right in guessing earlier today that it was going to be a fend for yourself night. It was crazy because they had planned to take me out for a special dinner before I left but none of this was happening. They had made plans already, but yet these plans were never talked about until they felt I wasnt spending time with them.
    I decided to fix myself some dinner because I was hungry. I asked my grandmother if she wanted some roast beef, but she didnt want any. I ended up making some roast beef and mashed potatoes with a piece of bread. It was a good dinner, small and filling, but still good. I ate it and my grandfather just kept giving me these evil looks.
    After eating dinner, I redid my nails and he just kept giving me evil looks of disbelief that I was going to do my nails in the living room. I was trying to compromise and spend some time with them, but it seemed this just wasnt good enough. He was analyzing me the whole time I did my nails and watching my every move. It took my whole being to not ask him if he needed something or just go "what" to what he was saying. I just couldnt believe the looks I was getting after his speech this morning.
    Finishing up my nails, I had my phone in the pocket. I was watching tv with them when the phone rang. i didnt know if they wanted to talk to the person or not, but neither one of them made a move to answer the phone. Whoever it was hung up a few seconds later and immediately after my phone started vibrating. I knew when it vibrated a second time that someone was calling me and when I checked it was my mom calling me (this is one reason why my phone stays on me because my grandparents dont answer their own phone). She wanted to double check what time my flight was leaving and getting in so she could make sure she was picking me up ontime. I didnt see my grandfather's face, but I'm sure he was ready to say something when I pulled my phone out of my pocket and answered it when mom called me.
    I finished the phone call uneventfully and finished up the night. It seemed that my attempt to spend time with them failed. A short hour and a half after coming out, my grandfather was in the computer room again and my grandmother went to bed not too long after that. I hate that I put effort in to trying to spend time with them, but yet my grandfather claims that I'm too absorbed with my tv and phone. Little does he know, but I can put it down if he wants to do something.
    Oh well, enough of my venting. At least I'm out of here and on my way home tomorrow. I cant wait to be back in his arms because I've missed them a lot. I cant believe how much i miss him but I wouldnt trade the feelings I have for him for anything else. I cant wait to give him his surprises and show him the drawings that i made for him. I know there is one in particular that i cant wait to show him because it has extra significance in all the symbols in it. He will know the meaning of it with everything in there, but it's a surprise for him. I just cant wait to be in his arms because that is when I know I'm safe and protected and at home. He has always made me feel like I'm at home when I'm with him. The end of tomorrow cant come soon enough.

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