Sunday, May 30, 2010

Tomorrow is Only a Day Away....

   Wow today has just been over the top for me. It was just one of those days that just starts out bad and get progressively worse. The only thing that I was kept happy with was when I was able to talk to him. It seems that no matter what he always makes things better, as I hope I do the same for him when I'm talking with him. There is just no way to describe how lucky I feel to have him in my life because he keeps me grounded.
    I started the day off waking up around noonish. I spent a good bit of the night up last night because I wanted to make sure he made it home safe after his phone had no service and his brother's phone died. Somehow he got a charger though (and I was so ecstatic when I got that text message he was able to talk more cause the phone was on a charger). I knew he was safe, but he was out with his family at a party with a bunch of drunk people so I will admit that I worried a little bit. I am just happy that I knew where he was and that he would text me or call me to let me know he was safe when he got a chance. That's one thing that makes it so easy for me to be able to wait to hear from him. As long as I know where he is, it makes the wait a little bit easier.
    Anyways, after waking up, i checked my voicemail. It was amazing hearing his voice and knowing that he made it home safe. I felt sad because he sounded so sleepy. I had just hoped that he would be able to get some sleep. I texted him good morning and hoped that i wasnt waking him up. I got a message back that he was up and had gotten some sleep and I was happy. It seemed that today was possibly going to be better, but I was hoping that I was wrong.
    After talking to him for a little while, I decided to get ready for the day. I was going to wear my tank top, but decided to go with my baby doll top instead. It was cute and i couldnt believe how loose my jeans were and I liked the way I looked in the mirror. I couldnt believe that my grandfather was telling me constantly here that I was fat. it's just crazy and I think I'm not going to spend as much time here next time I decide to come down or I'm not coming alone. It just seems everything I do isnt good enough for him.
    Well, i grabbed my laptop and was heading into the living room to set up for the day, but it seemed my grandfather was still asleep. Realizing that I was just going to be camped out watching tv for yet another day because my grandparents had no idea of what to do for the day. I was a little upset because I came down here to spend time with the two of them before I left for basic, but I guess that concept is lost on them. All I've been doing is the same things that I do when I'm at home or hanging out with him. I decided that I would hang out in my room and if my grandparents wanted to do something then I'd be up for it.
    I spent the whole day in my room and I was honestly somewhat hopeful that we were going to go out for a special dinner tonight. They had talked about us going out for a nice dinner before I leave. I was getting ready to go in and ask them if we were going to grab something for dinner when my grandmother came out to talk to me. She wanted to know if I liked lima beans or broccoli because she was planning on fixing them as a vegetable. I told her no I didnt like either one and she asked me what I like. Sticking with basic vegetables, I suggested corn or green beans so she went with green beans.
    I couldnt even begin to imagine what this meant to me because I felt so let down. We had made plans to have a special dinner to celebrate me leaving, but it seems my grandparents just forgot about it. It made me feel like I was just something to sweep under the carpet and that plans with me could be changed willy nilly and I wasnt important. I had tried not to get my hopes up, but try as I might they got up a little bit and were then crushed. I came back into my room and cried. I should have expected it from them because it seems that this visit is just like any other one with them, but its not because this could be the last time for a while that I get to take time whenever I want to come see them and they might not be as healthy in the future.
    I felt so horrible as I thought about the various disappointments over the week from not going fishing with my grandpa to the dinner that had been planned. I couldnt believe that they could be so callous as to just move on as if its nothing. Its bad because I feel like I want to tell them off for some reason, but I knew I shouldnt out of respect and I knew he wouldnt be happy with me if I lost my temper. It's crazy because at times like these I kind of feel like I'm reverting back to my old self where I have to hide so much and be this perfect little angel they expect me to be. I hate that feeling because it's what I felt like in my past, before I found him and before I figured out and accepted who I was. These feelings have been overcome and I know he has done so much work with me as of late to get me out of my shell and I feel that visits like these counteract everything. I know they love me, but this past week has been so unbearable. I have hidden my true self and done things to appease them, but I just hate having to hide myself.
    Anyways, on to the rest of the day. I came out a short time later to check and see what we were having for dinner and how much longer was left. This was where I was cornered and pissed off majorly and upset. I couldnt believe what was being said to me. My grandfather told me that I was really starting to "push his buttons" because it seemed that I was addicted to my phone. He said that I'm constantly on all day long and that it really irritates him that I am. I normally would have been fine, but here is where I was about to completely fly off the handle, but knowing I shouldnt because I didnt want to make him mad if I flew off on my grandpa.
    I couldnt believe my grandpa was yelling at me for being on my phone. The bad thing was that he was being so hypocritical of me. Both of my grandparents were actually. I couldnt be on my phone all day, but yet I was left to my own devices to amuse myself while he looked up old army patches all day long. I dont have any problem if we were watching tv together or playing games together or something, but with him in another room and me left on my own, I'm going to text and play on the computer and do whatever I want. I may text and talk at my parents, but I usually dont out of courtesy because they have asked me not to, but they also interact with me and talk with me and sit in the same room. I dont text around them because I'm actually invovled in something with them, unlike my grandparents.
    It was unbearable for me to listen to my grandpa lecture me about my phone. I feel that he really doesnt understand things going on with the new technology. It's like I'm an addict and all, but he is still stuck in the time where there weren't any cell phones and just house phones. He still believes that he is pretty much like god and that he cant do anything wrong and he knows everything. I'm not saying he doesnt know anything, but no matter what age you are, you can still learn new things but he refuses to.
    After dinner, I began cleaning up the table and dishes. It seems that they havent really commented on it, but I knew he would be pleased if he were here with me because I was cleaning up and doing the work to let my grandparents rest. I felt that it was my job anyways to clean up the kitchen, not just because my grandparents had cooked, but because of how I feel with my place and just being submissive. I know it's my job to make sure things are cleaned and cooked and just taken care of to make sure things run smoothly. I was glad to do it and I loved doing it, because even if my grandparents didnt know it I was in my place and doing what is natural for me to do and where I feel at home.
    Clean up finished with nothing eventful happening and I went into the living room to watch some tv with my grandparents. I had gone back to text him a quick message to let him know so he wouldnt worry about me, but I wished I could take my phone in with me. Because of the discussion earlier, I didnt want to start heating up things more so I left my phone in the back bedroom where I was staying just to let things cool down for a little bit. I normally wouldnt do this but with my grandparents it's a no win situation for me, much like if I was to get into an argument with him---I know that I'm going to lose it either way. I walked into the living room and had my stuff to color. I was in a random coloring mood and me and my grandmother were going to watch a movie.
    After sitting down and coloring for a little bit, my grandpa asked me if I slept with the tv on. I of course wasnt going to lie to him so I told him I did. I also told him that I watch it most of the time until about 3-330 in the morning because that was when I was falling asleep. I should have kept my mouth shut because this started a whole new debate. He couldnt understand why I couldnt get to sleep until that time in the morning. My grandmother told him that it was the schedule my body was on, which she is very true but its more it's just too hot in this house for me to sleep until my body is exhausted. He kept saying that he didnt understand it and that it was just lazy for me to sleep in all day. Well, my body isnt able to go to sleep until 3-4 every morning because of the heat and it's used to not being able to fall asleep til that late as it is. I didnt want to be mean and come right out and say the heat in the house was the reason why because then he would start on me about how it wasnt hot and that I should get used to it if I'm going into the military...
    He kept saying that the military isnt going to have someone to wake me up and let me know when formation is and that I need to be out there. Immediately I knew this was wrong and i told him so. He also had made the comment that there were no more formations or anything like that. Well this isnt true at all, especially for basic. I mean they're not just going to baby you through basic and all. They are going to break you down and build you up. Anyways...I made the comment that you still have formations in basic and that you are woken up for pt and everything else in the mornings. He scoffed at this and goes "yeah right". He told me it was completely wrong and acted as if I had no idea what i was talking about. I told him that it wouldnt be wrong and that everyone that just graduated from basic was telling me this and even those in basic right now. I couldnt believe that he was choosing not to believe me, thinking he knows everything about the military. The military today isnt the same military that he was in. They still have some similarities and some differences, but it still was crazy that he felt I knew nothing about what was going on. He scoffed at me and was like "yeah right" again when I told him that all those people had said it and that with at least 4-500 people saying it(at least that I have noticed on the boards and talked with), it couldnt be wrong. He's just stubborn and feels he knows everything.
    I guess the part that got me the most was that he felt that I was just lazy and sleeping in and all. I told him immediately that if I had to get up I could, but that I'm enjoying all the free time I can sleeping. I just feel that he thinks I'm a lazy girl and just doesnt want to do anything and that I stay up to all hours of the night based on the emails I sent him. I dont think he understand everything going on, but it just eats me how he thinks he knows everything about me when he truly doesnt.
    Well, I calmed down and kept my cool, just spent the time coloring. I found myself thinking of him and my drawings were centered around him. I would have drawn other things but I had to keep them PG rated for my grandparents because my grandmother had asked me to show her some of my artwork. I definitely wasnt going to show her my artwork that I made specifically for him because there were things in there that she would have been asking what it was and why it was on there. It would definitely raise a ton of questions that I didnt want to answer, nor did I want them to know about it.
    While coloring, my grandmother decided the current movie we were watching was bad and that we should watch something else. She checked out the Pay-per-view movies and there was only two options that she decided on. I had the option of watching Valentine's Day or Dear John. Well, I knew Dear John was the sweet romantic movie and if I watched it that I wanted to watch it with him(if he was willing to watch it). So, I chose Valentines Day which is still a romantic movie, but it was also the lesser of the two. I wish I was watching it with him, but I was watching it with my grandmother instead. We had to delay watching it until later in the night though because a storm stopped our first viewing.
    After choosing a movie and a start time, my grandmother went and changed before the movie started. I continued coloring, but part way through the movie I decided I was hungry and grabbed a snack. I decided to have some ice cream because I was craving something sweet and chocolatey and I could have a little bit of it. I ended up getting a little with chocolate syrup all over it. I'm not usually a fan of ice cream except at odd moments, but now was one. It wasnt a craving, I just needed something sweet and with sugar to put sugar in my system. Anyways...I think my grandfather was going to say something about my snack, but held his tongue. His only comment was for me not to give the dogs any of the chocolate syrup. I just answered that I wouldnt and went about eating it.
    I had a feeling if he could say something about it, he probably would tell me that I didnt need that snack and it was bad for me and all. He seems to be under the impression that eating more then once a day is bad for you and that junk food in any form is bad. It's crazy and I hate it. I think that's why I've been having such an issue with eating around him lately. Like tonight at dinner he made the comment that I had eaten too much of the roast beef when I got a little bit to put on top of the roll I had grabbed. I barely took any roast beef to put on that roll, but he felt it was like I had taken a huge amount of food or something. He claimed there wasnt enough to do anything with the leftovers, but there was plenty enough to make a sandwich or something small.
    I ate my snack and started watching the movie with my grandmother. I felt horrible because halfway into the movie my grandmother decided to get up and go to bed. She decided to go to bed because the dog decided that he was tired and she was following him to bed. I understand that they have schedules but you would think spending time with me before I left would be worth it, but apparently not. I was left to watch this movie by myself. I hated it because I was alone watching a decent movie (it would have been better with him watching it with me). I hated it and it just made me feel like I was about ready to cry. I hate how alone my grandparents make me feel while I'm down here, but the only good thing is that I can talk with him because he calms me down and makes things so much better. I dont know how he knows exactly what to say or what to do, but it seems that every Dom knows this. I'm still learning about his likes and dislikes as he is learning about me but I love how he already knows me so well because this bond can only grow stronger with time, as I hope it does. I cant wait until Tuesday when I'm back in his arms again. That day is just about here.

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