Monday, October 11, 2010

A Curious Day....and building frustrations

   So today was my first day during the week off and having a 3 day weekend here felt amazingly spectacular....just saying. Anyways, last night was an interesting night. Here lately i have been feeling for the longest time that i am the only that is really strongly missing someone (out of female submissives and their masters), but this just wasnt the case. I found out it's not just me and it's not even just us in this situation. There are other couples working on relationships in the lifestyle like we are. It was crazy because i felt for the longest time that i was crazy for missing Him as much as i do. It turns out He misses me just as much as i miss Him. It makes me feel so special and amazing.
    I find myself truly falling in love more and more each day that i am away from Him. Towards the end of this month, it will have been 4 months exactly since i have left Him to be here. I admit i was lucky and i got to see Him for a couple days when He came down for my graduation but it just wasnt the same. The rules we had to follow because i was deathly afraid of a TI (they still scare the crap out of me) finding out about anything we did wrong in public, like a kiss or a hug or heaven forbid holding His hand. It killed me that i couldnt give Him a kiss or even acknowledge Him in a way that i had grown accustomed to. We had to sneak around in the hotel and sneak kisses in the backseat of the car while my mom wasnt looking or on the way back up from the pool. I do remember i earned a couple good smacks while He was here too, but those werent what i felt that probably would have been if there werent those rules there(not that He would spank me in front of my own mother either).
   Being in the military, i find its a daily struggle to do my duties. Its not that im distracted by the fact that im away from Him and everything i know and love, but that im not fulfilling my duties like i should be. He has constantly reassured me that i am doing just fine and not to worry because He has everything taken care of, but how can you not worry when you're me.I'm supposed to be the one there taking care of everything and all the issues that are going on and everything else, but right now the shoe is on the other foot because i cant fix anything right now. I guess it's just the typical struggle a submissive faces when their Master is the one taking care of them instead of them taking care of the Master. I need to work on this and know that one day i will be understanding of the situation i am in and just shut up and do as He tells me to, but for now i'll still wish that it was the other way around with me taking care of Him.
   So anyways, there is a good thing about being here because i am able to go out and look for things for Christmas for Him. Yesterday was an unplanned outing for me, but i knew that i needed to get off base and not just hide myself away for the three day weekend we were having. I went with a couple of my friends down to the mall and went exploring. Of course, i found an amazing store there that i never knew catered slightly to people in the lifestyle---Spencer's. I have never really explored in Spencer's because in the past my mother thought it a horrible place and refused to let me shop in there. Well needless to say, it was fun exploring the back corner of this shop. I also felt less embarrassed here as i would have been extremely embarrassed looking at what i was yesterday. I found things like tingle flavored gel for your clit and nipples or lockable wrist cuffs for the shower or even whips and body whipped cream. I have quite a few ideas and am wondering if i should have a budge instead of a limit of 3 lifestyle gifts because there are so many choices. I have so many ideas..... I almost got myself into trouble for what i was thinking for Him, but i will know for sure what im getting by the time it comes to getting them before i leave.
   I cant wait for Christmas for one amazing reason. I got to see it today and saw it when He ordered it---my collar. I will officially be collared and will be His completely(not that i wasnt already). I'm so excited because in the beginning of looking into the lifestyle, i wasnt too sure about the idea of a collar. I didnt really like how it was so enclosed and just something kind of threw me off. Well after thinking about it, and i looked at a few, i realized that i did like it. At first, He was hesitant and then He started liking them too. I am so excited because I cant wait to see what it looks like on me. He sent me a picture of it and i cant wait to finally wear it. It will to me be the final step into us being official. It's so exciting to have one made specifically for me and to know that i will be His for the rest of my life.
   I can say that i am His already and have been since the day we met. To me, it was like i had known Him my entire life after the first few seconds of talking with Him. He didnt have to lure me in or anything. He was just himself and i was myself for Him. He sees this lil one as a girl who is sexy and just amazing to Him even when i dont feel that way. I always feel sexy when i am with Him because He could care less about the other girls around that are hotter because i am the one coming home with Him. I am the one that He gets to take home at the end of the night and love and be His lil one. I hope He knows that ill always love Him unconditionally no matter what factors pop up in my life. He has been there and i still love His control of my life, even if it is from a distance for right now. He controls me in every essence, because even if He may not be able to see what is going on, He knows what goes on in my life. He can tell when im lying and when im not.
   My trouble right now is im struggling with not being able to touch myself or anything like that. I am only allowed to touch myself when i am around Him and He is able to see. Well, being millions of miles away(not miles but feels like it everyday) He cant touch me so im not allowed to touch myself. I hate it because lately i have been so turned and i have literally gone without sex for 4 months and it will be almost 6 months exactly when i finally see Him in person again. Ugh, how do i deal with this daily struggle of being a good girl for Him when my hormones are raging inside??? I feel like everything is about to bust because i feel such a strong urge for something to touch me down there and there are days that i get so turned on with talking to Him about various things and just lately reading stories that i love. Im trying to be good and have been good so far, but i just hope i have the will to last the next two months because i dont even want to know what my punishment would be if i were to break one of His rules, not to mention His trust in me. I mean how could you trust me if i were to mess up on that here??? I'm just glad i havent :D my will to be a good girl for Him is too strong to chance messing up and not only disappointing Him but breaking His trust and possibly worse. So for now i shall deal with my struggles and wait until i can go home for Christmas because i have been promised it is well worth my wait which means an awful lot to me coming from Master.
   I wonder what tomorrow holds and what troubles i may get into. Who knows... :D it seems im always getting into some kind of trouble.. :D

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