Friday, October 22, 2010

Troubles or hesitancies...still being formed....

   Today, wow what an interesting and emotional day. I just cant even begin to describe the various events that went on from the hosue party that got broken up by the cops to the various scenes where i got thrown down on the floor all over again. It seems that i love that aspect of things, but it also lets me let go of my rebellious side and just let it go so it doesnt come out on Him.
   I have done some serious thinking and im still working at getting my thoughts together, but it seems they wont focus. Bullis is after next week and im worried that i wont make it. im worried about it because it is the toughest part of this training. i know that with Master pushing me and always there by my side that i can do anything, but i know it will be tested in these upcoming weeks. It will be hard for me going from being able to talk to Him daily by computer and email and text and phone, to just phone calls. i truly do hate the idea of how our communication will change in the upcoming weeks and i hope it wont affect anything.
   i also feel that my communication skills suck. im trying so hard to fit in here and do things, but at the same time i feel that things here are making me struggle with Him. I feel so torn because here i am being taught to be loyal to my wingman and be good to them and they will take care of me but at the same time i am so loyal to Him too. i feel lost because i am so confused as to what to do. i want to put Him first and foremost in things, but it seems with here it is impossible to do. He is the number one thing in my life and my job is second, but here it seems the people and instructors are making it the number one thing in my life. i dont know...i guess as the thoughts come down there might be more on this later...but my thoughts are so out in left field right now.
          I'm sorry for anything going on that makes it seem like im not paying attention to You or that things tend to go in one ear and out my other ear. I try my hardest and You are always and will continue to be the number one thing on my mind. I am still struggling with how to process You and the training here because they both interfere. I love You with all my heart and soul and want nothing more then to please You, but being here just makes it that much harder. I never knew that i would have to struggle so hard to hold onto something that i love so much. I know im not giving up on You or what we have together because whether i like it or not, i am Yours. I guess this is just one of the trials to face, but i admit its hard and i hate seeing You get frustrated because it seems that You are being put on the backburner when it is not meant that way at all. Please just help me to figure out how to make this work and how to stop letting my training here interfere with You and U/us.

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