Friday, November 19, 2010

Tough week trying to make you proud

   Wow, what a week and I don’t even know how to begin to describe it to you. So many horrible things have happened and I feel so lost. I’m writing this as I face my first restless night of sleep in a while. Going to sleep without hearing your voice is complete torture to me and the worst punishment that my MTL could come up with. I felt horrible and my heart sank so much when I heard he was taking our phone batteries. It meant there would be no time to talk to You about anything that went on or earlier this week. You, the one person who can calm me down no matter what, was inaccessible in one swift moment.

   Tonight seems to be the mounting of all the pressure that I feel building up on me. I find myself struggling with the added pressure of having to perform better. Being told my an instructor that he doesn’t think you are pushing yourself completely for your team and that he wants to see more push from you is disheartening when you hear it. I got that speech today and let me just say that it sucked horribly. I couldn’t imagine not putting enough effort in because I was putting in every ounce of effort I could. Yes im not the most in shape person and he even asked me that, but still im trying just as hard as everyone else at this training. I just don’t know what to do about this…You told me not to worry about it, but when you get this kind of news from an instructor it kills you.
   The next thing was we found out last night that we got in trouble from our MTL about the 341s pulled for my phone. We were originally told that nothing would be given to Ssgt Smyers but somehow they got given to him. That is how I ended up losing my phone to him, well not so much my phone but my battery. Either way my phone is now useless for one night and I honestly feel lost from everything. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I tried so hard to be good, but it seems this week that everywhere I turned there was something getting me into trouble.. I’m a good kid and for some reason here has brought me nothing but trouble. Anyways….he wasn’t happy about the whole phone situation but said that he is the instructor and reserves the right to make the decision he did of taking away our phone batteries. A part of me is outraged at this and I want to fight it, but I know its no use. You would probably agree with him that it should have happened and probably would have if I was home with you.
   After that, today was going fine until I was waiting to clear weapons. I was standing there and just talking and I accidentally hit the button that sent my bolt forward. I looked up in shocked and voiced out loud that it was an accident because quite a few peoples heads turned to look at me and see what had done it. Our head rope was standing in the back and all he did was look at me and say “oh your bolt went forward?” and kept talking. He heard my statement and he finished what he was doing, but on his way up he stopped at one of the instructors and told them that my bolt had gone forward. I know it was him because he was the only one back there that saw anything that went that way. Everyone else was still in line behind me. I listened to my peers around me and did as they suggested and pulled my bolt to the rear. It had happened to a couple other people in line and they had done the same thing and nothing was done. Somehow I was the one that they called up. The instructor asked me if I bolt had gone forward and I explained to him that it had on accident. I was then asked if I pulled it to the rear while I was in line. When I answered yes he gave me this look of shock. My weapon had already been cleared out once and yes I can understand the safety issue but nothing was found then. I honestly thought it was the right thing to do.
     He explained that it was a weapons safety violation and that it was an automatic LOR. I couldn’t imagine this and knew exactly what it meant for my possibility of getting RAP. It was hanging in the air as of now. I couldn’t imagine how something like that could cause such bad effects. I was guilt ridden and so terrified as to what was going to happen. It terrified me knowing that I had committed a weapons safety violation. I honestly didn’t know that what I did was a weapons safety violation until he said something to me. Anyways, he asked me if I had any paperwork and when I said no he told me to go away. I’m not sure if he is going to write me that LOR or not but im deathly afraid. I have worked so hard and it seems everything keeps building up on me. Little issues here or there that seem to be obstacles that seem too big to overcome. I don’t know what to do anymore.
     Coming here, I thought life would be so much better and id be able to talk to you all the time, but in an instant that was taken away tonight. I feel lost and I feel like im drowning. I love you so much and hate that something like that bolt to the rear thing would put all of our plans for Christmas in jeopardy. I know that from now on I am going to do exactly what they say with no extras involved and follow it to a T. I thought I had been before but I guess that I need to be more disciplined about it. The worst feeling in the world though is knowing that I disappointed you in all of this. You hold such high expectations of me and I have let you down. I let you down because I could have acted better in every one of these situations. I am going to try my hardest to not let anything else get to me. You are my heart and soul and I don’t want to do anything to lose you. I only hope that you arent mad or hate me after all this.
    This week has been rough and I know that tomorrow will only be rougher. Comments made today about how I wasn’t doing certain activities got to me and I hate that people are making them. I try to brush them off like you suggest, but there are some from people that I wouldn’t expect them from and that’s what throws me through a loop. I only hope to make you proud and finish off these next few weeks stronger then I have before. I will finish it for you and I will make it home to you as Your lil airman.

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