Thursday, December 30, 2010

Crazy up down road of life

It seems my emotions lately are getting the best of me and it is honestly starting to worry me. I feel that sometimes I am being too much of a baby or stepping out of place. Being out of His arms for six months I feel has affected me more then I thought.
Master and I took vows a week and one day ago to be there for each other no matter what happens. I know that He will always be there and don't doubt this especially after He took care of me a few nights later when I was praying to the toilet god and could barely walk on my own. But I feel somehow I'm not living up to my full potential.
Last night Master and I both had a little too much to eat and felt horrible. Before too long I recovered from it but Master was still under the weather. It seemed I was thinking more of myself by playing with Him and waking Him up when He was trying to go to sleep. It was a mistake on my part but it got me thinking....
I have struggled yesterday and today with my inner demon feelings. I know that Master would never leave me but I'm not used to someone forgiving me when I disappoint them or upset them like He does. Screwing up on anything to me is major and last night I felt horrible when Master pointed out He took care of me but I had yet to take care of Him. What kind of submissive am I if I can't take care of my Master???
He told me earlier today that I was going to be getting a good spanking tonight and in all honesty I welcome it. I feel that I need something to smack me out of this funk I'm in. I don't want Master to think that I'm focused on myself more then Him because I really am not. He is my world and soul and I hate to disappoint Him.
I have been taking care of Master for the most part but at times like last night I felt knocked down when He rubbed my knee and my back but I didn't do anything for Him feeling sick. Maybe its my own feelings of insecurity or whatever you want to call it coming out, but I feel lost. I feel like I'm screwing up the littlest things and makes me nervous about the bigger things.
Master and I got approved for our own place and I can't believe everything that goes into it, but I'm ready to really start being that domesticated submissive house wife He loves. Its going to be a totally new adventure and I can't believe its finally here but I'm ready. I have a feeling there will be a lot of spankings in the future but I can't wait to be in our own place and Master can do as He pleases instead of being nervous someone could come home.
Anyways....my thoughts seem to dwell on how I feel I've been acting. I don't know if Master sees it but I feel I've been a really big pain in the butt with an attitude that wasn't deserved and just not doing things like they should be done. I know in the past Master did a spanking just to remind me of where I stand and I wonder if that is the case here? Do I just need a good spanking every so often to remind me of where I stand and that I may be a chick with a gun that I'm still His lil one and I do as He says when I'm with Him????I think its very possible. I will probably talk with Master about this.....He's already picked up that somethings wrong so I'm sure it will come soon anyways.....for now I will go back to my happy thoughts on our new place and ignore the evil thoughts that I'm screwing up so horribly,....

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