Monday, January 3, 2011

Why do I feel this way??

It seems life is always going amazing at points but for some reason I don't find myself happy. I don't even know why that is....its not like me at all. I am truly happy for everything happening but I think in all honesty I'm scared at the same time.
Master told me last night that it seems like everything is happening so fast and I think today it finally hit me as to just how fast it really is. I mean we're married and just signed the lease for our first house/apartment. Under normal circumstances even the normal person would be happy...but I'm not. Why?? Why am I not having the normal reaction here???
Lately my thoughts have gone to the bills we have to pay and what gets paid when and how much we'll have left from each check and that's not counting little things that pop up. On top of that we don't really have any furniture at all for our place other then a couple dressers,a bed, and a tv. Wow...I mean I should be excited we have our own place to do as we wish now and for us to be who we are freely with no worries but yet I worry.
My life before Master was full of me fighting and scrounging for every cent that I had and to make sure my bills got paid. To put it mildly I was struggling to stay alive. Master is more then amazing when it comes to money and has helped me curb my bad spending habits, but I can't help but feel that fighting attitude surface especially when I think about all the bills to be paid. Maybe its my head's reaction to fight but I feel shocked. We are doing well and the bills are getting paid like they should so why do I even worry the slightest???
I wish I knew the answer to this. I only hope my worries and anxieties on things don't cause Master to second guess things. When I worry about money despite Him telling me we will be okay is just my response. I guess its mainly because I'm afraid of going back to having to scrounge and fight for it all and just struggle. That's highly unlikely to happen but for some reason my brain thinks it could happen. Now how do I conquer this is what I want to know because I don't want to be at the point where He constantly has to reassure me we are fine.
My worries are logical in my brain while on paper they just seem foolish. If things really are fine and taken care of...then why worry??? Who knows in all honesty with me. I swear at times I'm not wired right. But I'm going to continue pressing on and hope that Master understands my reactions in these situations is more not wanting to repeat my past then not trusting Him and that He has it all taken care of. Maybe its time I should do like they always tell you in church.....just let go of what is holding me back and just wholely trust that everything will work out and Master will make sure of that.
Master is my heart and soul and I trust Him. Sometimes its hard for me to sit idly by and just do as told and He knows it,but I'm working on it. I wonder if this is a test of whether I can fully trust Him and His judgment. If it is, I failed horribly but I'm determined not to give up yet. I'm too hard headed and stubborn to give up the fight so easily. I love Master and I want to show Him that I can not worry about everything and completely trust Him. For now its putting my words into actions....I wonder how this will go?? Who knows but its worth the fight for sure because Master deserves it and its not just for me but Him too.

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