It seems that life seems to go well for a little bit and then for some reason it just has its up and down days. Sometimes i wonder if things really are like Master says with me....that i'm a good girl when i want to be. Honestly i do try my hardest to be a good girl, but with my nature it is hard and i have to fight to not mouth off or cuss at bad drivers. Not saying i dont do it, i may just not do it when Master can hear me. Although i really dont swear, i just call them something equivalent to a cuss word in my eyes.
Anyways...today has been a good day and lately has been good, but between last weekend and this weekend i have realized something is off wtih me. Last weekend i wrote a journal entry(which still needs to be posted) and lets just say i got what i asked for. Talking about wondering if last weekend all i needed was a good spanking, well i got it. But i just dont know. Most of the time i really am a good girl, i think its just i have my moments where my mouth overpowers my brain and the thoughts come out before they process. Most of this is when im focused on something and its like i want to get it done. At the same time i neglect other things around me, whatever they may be and i know this needs to change.
My life lately has been going amazing, but i wonder if things would be better once Master is officially moved down with me and im not just with Him on the weekends. Dont get me wrong, i love spending my time with Him on the weekends, but i think some how or another it is throwing my body off. My sleep is way off when im away from Him because i have gotten so used to sleeping in the same place as Him, my mind is always on Him and im scared to walk into a house all by myself. It's just weird and being a girl, i definitely dont eat by myself and if i do its fast food at the house watching a movie. But anyways.....i keep saying that there are so many things that i have to change, but i wonder what they all are. It seems that i find one thing and get it pinned down what i need to do and another pops up. Wondering what is up with things, but thats just me.
Master is my life and my world and i hate disappointing Him in any way. He guides me and punishes me when i have done wrong and believe me i know when ive done wrong. There is no room for manuevering when He has made up His mind on a punishment or lecture or whatever He decides to do. With the popups that have happened these past couple weeks, i feel that i have let Master down. There has been no change in the person i was before i left and the person now, its just struggling to deal with me being that person with all the new things around me. Stressing out is something that i do often and it usually gets to me. Lately the stress of planning the wedding and trying to make sure certain key people are there and dealing with family...i feel that has shifted onto Master. How do i apologize to someone for pushing these feelings on them when they havent done anything to you?? How do i tell Master that i am so sorry that i am letting all this affect me as much as it is? There are just no words and i feel that is all i have done lately. He has told me time and again that He is in this for the long haul and a part of me is afraid that if i keep screwing up, He will question if the submissive wife He married is the same submissive girl He knew before i left for basic. That in all honesty is my biggest fear....among the fears of my job but He knows these. How do you voice these fears to the one you love the most and hope that they dont throw them back in your face?? Master would never throw it in my face so i dont have that to worry about, but i do worry about how to bring up these feelings that i have noticed tonight?
Attitude, mouthiness, sarcasticness, whatever i have that is negative or bad is something that i am aiming to get rid of. There were a few of those that i thought were done with and over and had been cured before i left, but it seems they havent. Am i wrong or do i feel there is so much more i crave?? There is so much more i crave, but i know that in the future those things listed above have no place in our relationship whether relating to vanilla world or the lifestyle. There is no place at all for them. My sarcasm has been curbed and to my knowledge hasnt come out unless Master has encouraged it but my attitude it seems makes itself known. Looking at the moments when they happen, i feel like such a brat. Knowing what happens, i dont feel like a spoiled brat, just a brat. Tasks i feel that have to be done and i get upset if theyre not done when i want them to be. Shouldnt it be the other way around and i should get upset if theyre not done when He wants them to be done??? Honestly it should be the other way around and i dont know how to flip my switch to get it that way. This wedding preparation has me irked and i want to make sure it goes off without a hitch, but there is a price im paying and i dont want to pay it anymore. It is affecting my submission and my relationship with Master to where im relapsing to old ways that He has already cured and taught me not to do. Maybe its my rebellious side coming out and saying it wants a spanking or the dominated feeling, but i know for myself i dont need that because i know its there. Whatever the case, i know He is there and i need to share with Him that i just feel i want these to be done just how He would like them done and not how i want them. My aim is for everything to be as perfect as possible.
So thinking back to the beginning of our relationship and the punishment and sex and everything. Is it the same as it was then, not as much but better. Its better then it was before and believe me the punishments now surely keep me in check and i know where my place is all the time. Sheer wonder voices in my head of if i want more or what i want with this and my bratty moments. Reading other places it seems that me being bratty could be a way of asking for more, but i dont see that. My happiness is complete here. My body is always wet and waiting for Master. He is on my mind and my pussy aches and throbs for Him constantly. Just tonight i had to change out of my jeans because they were soaking wet from my soaking pussy. He had been playing with me and teasing me all day and just being around Him makes me so hot and wet. But i still havent quit worked out how to share it with Him when i notice this.
Spankings for me are punishment, but sometimes i wonder if there is worse in His head??? Who knows, but im sure that His thoughts involve a lot of things and He shouldnt have to constantly punish me. Not sure if i wanna know His other thoughts either. My new thoughts are wondering if it is possible to have time every night or every so often in position because it makes me feel extremely submissive and i love the feelings it creates in me when im in position. It feels natural for me to be there and lately ive noticed that my knees arent as bad with it as i thought. Honestly i thought they would be worse, but i think theyre bad only if im in position for like the 30 minutes i had one time for punishment. Anyways, i think im going to go on a self searching mission to find that side of me that Master knew before i left. The lil one that was so eager to learn and had her moments but for the most part obeyed very well cause it seems lately im not obeying well at all.
Wish me luck as i go on this mission. Hopefully Master has some insight and can help me pinpoint where i can improve because i honestly want to know. There is a plan to ask Him later tonight on when i can approve, which hopefully are things that i can do. All i know is one thing is to not let my pissy side get to me and transfer into things with Him because He is always there for me and on my side of everything.