Monday, January 24, 2011

Struggles and strife....

   Wow, things here have never been as crazy as they are now. Life is wonderful with trying to plan a wedding and throwing my job in there. How do Master and i ever find time for each other?? That's the major question and all i know is that i miss Him terribly right now. Granted, i know He is missing me just as much as i am Him, but it still sucks.
   This morning was yet another morning that i had to kiss Him goodbye for the morning to not be able to sleep or cuddle or snuggle with Him until Friday night. This new routine sucks and is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. It breaks my heart every morning that i have to kiss Him and hug Him goodbye, knowing that i wont see Him again until Friday night. Life for the two of us hasnt always been easy and throwing in the military lifestyle, i have realized that its just getting harder. My mind wanders daily as to how He is doing and what He's thinking of and if He misses me. It's like the two of us are back to where we first started when we first started talking to each other. There is a weird feeling and i am trying to get used to it.
   Today was the first time i have actually done a little bit of grocery shopping for myself. Before it was when i was still in the college lifestyle and mindset and on a way more limited budget than what i am now. Granted, just because i have all this money to burn, well correction WE have all this money to burn, doesnt mean that i will be just spending it haphazardly. Master has taught me this much, that no matter what you should still live below the means. Not only that, i like the idea of saving money and being a thrifty shopper. He has taught me very well, although sometimes it is a downfall much like Sunday was. Master needed new pants and i recognize that no matter how i balked at the price of the two pairs. The two pairs of pants put together equaled almost a hundred dollars. To a person who is used to living so close to the end of their means, more or less paycheck to paycheck, this shocks me no matter how often it happens. Either way it still shocks me because i will NEVER be used to just being able to throw that kind of money down for a couple pairs of pants, just like the two of us go out to eat a lot together.
   Oh well, life is crazy and hectic but i wouldnt change it for all the money in the world. Master is my heart and soul and knows just what it takes to make me tick. He knows the buttons to push, the ones to leave well enough alone, my biggest fears and secrets, and just everything about me. When people question me about whether or not i felt that i was ready to get married to Him, my answer is always a full hearted yes. People who dont indulge in the lifestyle cant understand just how deep the trsut level is between the two of us. There is no words to describe the level of trust you place in someone who knows how to send you off into mind shattering numbness or even just toy with your mind in general. Not only that you put such a high level of trust in this person to hope that they dont take your trust and throw it back in their face.  You trust not only that they wont send you off into a mindless oblivion, but that they wont physically harm you and just take care of you in every sense of the word. Beginning all these preparations for the wedding and just having to leave Him at the end of every weekend, has made me that much more appreciative of everything my Master does for me.
   This week is going to take a lot of trust and just a lot of getting through things that are boring for me and just bending my nose to the grind. This coming weekend, i cant wait to just relax and be with Master. Life with Him will get back to normal and im sure that i will slide back into my place just as if i never left. Now what i just said doesnt mean that i havent lost my submissive mindset at all. But being as i only get to see Master on the weekends, i feel that i am only a submissive with Him during the weekends. Phone conversations and all of course i am submissive, but i dont feel in touch with it until the weekend comes. I wonder if this is normal?? I dont want to feel like im depending on Him to bring out my submissive side, but i feel that with all the moving and the new lifestyle to get used to with the military is making it harder. I guess i might as well get used to this, but its not going to be easy. My one happy thought is that waiting to see Him each weekend is making the time pass by faster. My thoughts are constantly on making it home to Him and that snuggle and bittersweet kiss and hug. Oh that bear hug :)

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